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Sarcasm/Satire Hockey Blog

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[color=rgb(102,102,102)][font='Roboto Slab'][size=5]We're back, Jack! I hope Jack Eichel reads this, because that would be a perfect intro to this blog. Or Jack Johnson, or Jack Hillen, or zombie Jack Adams, because it's almost Halloween and it would be very fitting if he read this and ate my brains.[/size][/font][/color]
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The regular season started this past Wednesday, and this may be one of the most anticipated seasons of all time. You have two generational talents in McDavid and Eichel, you have a list of high profile rookies playing, making this possibly the best rookie year in recent memory. Then you have teams that have changed for the better by adding elite talent like Phil Kessel, Mike Green, and Brandon Prust.[/size][/font][/color][color=rgb(102,102,102)][font='Roboto Slab'][size=5]
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What really excites me for this season, is the fact that earlier this week, living legend Jaromir Jagr announced he is going to grow out his iconic mullet. I haven't been this happy since the Canucks put Linden Vey on waivers. Which was actually on the same day, so it's been a pretty good week so far. Apparently as far as the mullet goes, it was Twitter God Roberto Luongo who talked Jagr into it. Even though he's no longer the goalie for my team, this guy just keeps delivering. [/size][/font][/color][color=rgb(102,102,102)][font='Roboto Slab'][size=5]
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So aside from Luongo asking him to do it, why did he decide to bring it back? [/size][/font][/color][color=rgb(102,102,102)][font='Roboto Slab'][size=5]
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As a blogger who just makes stuff up, it's pretty obvious. Patrick Kane has one, Anze Kopitar pretty much had one. This is what it takes to be an elite player and win The Cup in this day and age. Jagr gets that, and he's constantly adapting to things like that in an effort to be the best 68 in the league. He's also the only 68 in the league, so that helps. Actually, he was the only 68 up until last season when Mike Hoffman started to use it. Seriously, get a different number! that one is for Jags. [/size][/font][/color][color=rgb(102,102,102)][font='Roboto Slab'][size=5]
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Sweet Upper Deck jacket![/size][/font][/color][color=rgb(102,102,102)][font='Roboto Slab'][size=5]
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I don’t know how long it’s going to take him to grow it out, but if he somehow fully grows it out by the playoffs, The Panthers will be a legitimate contender. This may be Jagrs final season as he turns 44 this February and has nothing left to prove other than that he can still grow out that mullet, and dominate players half his age. He may also be growing it out as he knows he has one last shot at The Cup, and this mullet is the best chance he has in doing so. Or he just really misses the 90s.[/size][/font][/color][color=rgb(102,102,102)][font='Roboto Slab'][size=5]
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I hope he still keeps going after this season, he’s always fun to watch and is the last remaining player of his era. It may be some time before another player with his skill and size combination comes along. As far as point scoring goes he is one of the all time greatest hockey players. As far as modern day longevity in hockey goes, he is the best. As far as sleeping with Czech models half his age goes, he is second to none.[/size][/font][/color][color=rgb(102,102,102)][font='Roboto Slab'][size=5]
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We need more people like him.[/size][/font][/color]


Evil Zach Senyshyn

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Narwhal Hockey is back by unpopular demand! (1 person (me)) lets get through the dreaded off season together and have a laugh. This week we have a double shot that features a couple of Nathan Gerbe size mini blogs.

Blog 1

Zach Senyshyn - The NHLs Youngest Assistant GM

Suck it, Dubas.

I didnt know much about Zach Senyshyn or Boston GM Don Sweeney up until the draft, and even thought his (Dons) last name was McSweeney. It wasnt until after the first round where he used 3 picks simultaneously that it clicked that there was no Mc before the Sweeney. However, what really clicked in my mind was that I found it odd he took Zach Senyshyn with one of those 3 picks. That would be like if you took Emile Poirier in the first round, who would do such a thing?

Jay Feaster Don Sweeney would, but why? I've racked my brain regarding possible theories and reasons why he would use a first rounder on this guy when he had picks in the second that he could have used that would have been more appropriate. Only one theory remains. This Senyshyn kid is now secretly calling the shots in Boston. In his pre draft Boston interview he must have bullied rookie GM Sweeney to the point of giving in to his demands of blowing up the team for youth, and drafting him in the first round. He's secretly an evil genius, who put up a reasonable 45 points in 66 games in the OHL.

So what should we expect next from this guy? and why have I used so many question marks so far? we don't know what to expect, or the answer to the other question. Time will tell what players he wants traded. All we know is Zach Senyshyn likes young players like himself on his team, and isn't afraid to boot grizzled vets to acquire these young guns who are only 18 or 19 years old. Don't be surprised if they make a move for Sam Bennett in the near future.


He looks secretly evil if you ask me.

Blog 2

Revenge of the Backup Goalies

It seems now more than ever there are a lot of quality goalies in the NHL. Guys playing backup are putting up impressive numbers and showing they can take on a starter role. Guys are tired of not getting enough chances, among other things, and are making every opportunity count. Lets take a look at the perspective from some goalies around the league and see why this could be frustrating not getting your big chance.

Anders Lindback - Tired of backing up goalies who are the same height as him.

Carter Hutton - Save of the year in 2013-14. Tired of backing up goalies with no save of the year on their resumes.

Martin Jones - Tired of backing up goalies who are Quicker than he is.

Michal Neuvirth - Tired of backing up goalies wherever he gets traded to.

Karri Ramo - Tired of backing up goalies who play just enough games to be considered a starting goalie.

Cam Talbot - Tired of backing up Henrik Lundqvist.

It's nice to see some of these guys are finally getting their chances to shine in the league. Guys who were backups previously like Dubnyk, Talbot, and Jones will all be starting goaltenders next season. Dubnyk even earned a trophy for persevering through teams that suck, and finally landing on a team that had decent defence.

Congrats, Dub.

We'll be back with another full sized blog by the end of the month. Be sure to follow @NarwhalHockey on Twitter where you can see Eric Nystrom tweeting us about butter.

It's well worth it, and the more followers we get, the more butter it gets.


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I hate puns but couldn’t think of anything better.

This week I got followed by former NHL enforcer and current vegan Georges Laraque on Twitter. The Green Men, and Carolina Hurricanes player Zach Boychuk also followed me recently (they follow everyone, I’m not special) and I thought I should finally plug my twitter on my next blog, which is now.

It’s just @NarwhalHockey

I should also finally start this blog off, which is now.

What a time to be a Caps fan. They made some solid moves at the draft and free agent frenzy, and are looking like serious contenders. If there’s one team that can win the cup next year that previously hasn’t, I think that team is the Washington Capitals. They already went half way last year, but I think they can do better this coming season (Full way!) There are 4 players in particular who I feel will lead the Caps deep into the playoffs next year, and if you keep reading (totally worth it) you’ll find out who.

Player 1:
Post Beard Braden Holtby – Ever since growing a beard, this guys numbers have been off the charts. He keeps getting better in the playoffs every year, and I don’t see his numbers dropping unless he shaves (his face). The amount of pre game work this guy puts in is admirable and I want to see him and his beard be a success in this league. I also want full credit on the Pre/Post Beard advanced stats when someone finally uses them.

Player 2:
Grey Beard Ovechkin – I’m going all in with the beard fancy stats. They say with grey hair comes wisdom, Ovechkin say with grey hair comes goals and plus/minus. “The Caveman” (Sorry if that’s not your real nickname) Ovechkin put up better goals and plus/minus than last year and I could see that paying off with him doing it again then tearing it up in the playoffs, like he tears up the english language. He was also funny at the All Star Game Draft.


Player 3:
T.J. Oshie – Oshie doesn’t have a cool beard like Ovechkin or Holtby, but I feel like he will help, possibly, if he grows a cool beard, like Ovechkin, or Holtby.

Player 4:
Tom Hanks – Actor Tom Hanks looks just like Justin Williams (I think so) who is the actual 4th player on my list. Justin Williams is gonna bring playoff experience and clutch game 7 performances that will help counter game 7 losses to teams like the New York Rangers. Who as of late end up losing in the finals or conference finals anyways. Maybe if Kreider spent LESS time running into goalies, they (NYR) would spend MORE time in the playoffs. Take that, Kreider!

So watch out for the Capitals next year. They could easily become a powerhouse with these new additions and solid defence/goaltending. Let’s hope they don’t Cast Away (Sorry) all the competition.

Note - I tried to work in a joke about Head Coach Barry Trotz seemingly having no neck (head coach because he can’t be the neck coach) but it didn’t go with anything. I apologize for not getting that in, and to Barry Trotz’ neck, I know you’re there, lurking, helping Barry swallow food.

Also Note – If Tom Hanks had a twin brother and they played on the same team like the Sedins, the back of his sweater would just say Thanks.

Tom Hanks for reading.


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Hint: There’s no puzzle, that was just to lure you in, and it rhymed. Anyways…

Look out Anaheim, California!

Or shall we say, look out National Hockey League. GOOD friends Ryan Kesler and Kevin Bieksa have been reunited in Anaheim and are poised to have a strong season. Adding these two players to the team gives The Ducks two more players. In doing so, The Ducks have also made themselves immune to things such as smaller/inferior NHLers, Michael Ferkland, playoff losses to Nashville/San Jose, and guys who don’t play like bastards.

The main thing these guys bring to the Ducks team is personality. If these two improve anything on the team it will be interviews, because guys like Getzlaf and Perry just don’t compare off the ice. Like, they just don’t have a chance, they suck in comparison, Kesler and Bieksa have so much personality that they could even have their own show. I’ve said enough, and Kesler actually already has his own show so I’m totally right on this.

Although they make the Ducks better on and off the ice by bringing their hard working spirit and personalities to the team, they also bring other things like Kesler bombs and milk hotdogs which can make any team THAT much better.
I really feel like if there is anything that’s gonna take that team to the next level, It’s gonna be the Kesler bombs. Every player that get’s Kesler bombed becomes a better player/person afterwards. It worked with Raffi Torres, after being Kesler bombed he put up more points and never dressed up like Jay Z again. Torres was actually in Arizona when he did that, but still, it probably would have been something even worse had he not been Kesler bombed the year before. Kes is a hero, really.

So if Perry or Getzlaf get Kesler bombed who knows what can happen? the thought of them getting better via Kesler Bomb is a scary one. They have the potential to be a very dangerous pairing next year if this happens, more dangerous than putting Luca Sbisa in for a 5 on 3 Penalty kill. But enough about those guys. The big thing here is, on one hand you have #17 Kesler, and then when you add #3 Bieksa into the equation, you get 20. I don’t know where I was going with that, but I’m gonna keep it in because it completes this paragraph.

(Just imagine they’re both in Ducks uniforms, I don’t have photoshop)

It’s a Vancouver reunion of sorts, okay it’s a total Vancouver reunion, as Kesler and Bieksa form the Mighty Nucks of Vanaheim (Has that been used before? probably, that also should of been the title) So good luck to the Mighty Nucks, if you guys get a cup we can win and celebrate vicariously through you, if you make the finals and lose in game 7 we riot, vicariously, via GTA. Unless by lose in game 7 finals we mean conference finals and it’s vs the Canucks, in which case we celebrate our victory for real, and trip on confetti.

Shane O’Brien is also joining them.

But he’s clearly not as entertaining, and only get’s this one sentence.

I like Kesler.


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Pancakes never hurt anyone, except Dustin Penner.

It all started three years ago. A delicious stack of pancakes was made by Penners then wife, Jessica. Dustin couldn’t wait to devour them (the pancakes, you knew that). He quickly hunched over to eat them and felt something go in his back, mid chew. He corrected his posture as a cascade of butter and syrup slowly ran down his face, he knew that he was hurt.

Dustin went to the LA Kings trainer to see if he could fix what was wrong with his back, the trainer was unable to do anything and sent him home. When asked about it, the trainer said that this was by far the worst pancake related injury he has seen in his professional career, and that he hopes to never see anything like it ever again.

When the team found out about his injury, the news spread like Wildfire (Min vs CGY) and Dustin quickly became a laughing stock on social media. Even Phil Kessel had a laugh at his expense. It was at that moment that Dustin knew his career would never be the same again.

Fortunately, his back got better after a few days of resting on the couch. He credits video games for the fast healing. Games such as Wayne Gretzkys 3D Hockey, and NHL99 helped him stay in shape during this tough time. He also claims that he smashed his records in Ms. Pacman Maze Madness, Elmo’s Number Journey, and Hey You, Pikachu!


He finished the season with the Kings and went on to sign with the Anaheim Ducks, the pancake jokes in the Ducks locker room got so bad that they started putting pancakes in catering. He requested a trade shortly thereafter, and was dealt to Washington, where the pancake jokes continued, and escalated into full on pancake standup comedy routines.

Within 5 minutes of being in the Caps locker room, Penner was made fun of by the Russian players. According to Penner, he walked into the room and all he heard was Ovechkin, Orlov, and Kuznetsov having a chat in Russian, then all of a sudden Ovechkin says pancakes and they started laughing.. in Russian. If that’s possible.. if not, I apologize.. in Canadian.

It was about this time Penner said to himself that he was just going to finish the season and leave. He has been a free agent ever since and attributes the pancake incident as a career ruining moment. It even got to the point where he received a few joke calls from GMs hoping to obtain his services, they always started innocent enough, but ended with the GM asking if they can do a pancake performance bonus for his contract, at that point the GM usually laughs and hangs up.

He has tried to rectify (heh) this situation by switching to gluten free buckwheat pancakes, sugar free syrups, and even the unthinkable act of using foreign maple syrups on his pancakes. Nothing is working, says Penner.

How can something so good go so wrong? It doesn’t have to be this way, he says. After years of suffering, and a lot of thought (about pancakes), Dustin is actually at peace with it and is ready to embrace the whole thing. He is in talks to be the new spokesperson for Aunt Jemima. We’re not sure how that’s going to play out, but maybe they can work him in as her half cousin or something, because not even that is as strange as a grown man injuring his back while eating pancakes.

Lastly, but certainly not leastly, he is currently in the process of creating Penners Pancakes, a charity that provides pancakes to underprivileged bearded men who have thrown out their back.

If that doesn’t deserve an NHL Foundation award, I don’t know what does.


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For as long as they have been in the league, the Coyotes have been an underdog team. Year in and year out nobody expects anything from them, and year in and year out they deliver nothing as expected. It's safe to say at this point the fans know what they aren’t getting.

The only great season they have really had thus far was in the 2012-13 season where they somehow made the playoffs and shocked the Chicago Blackhawks (If this was Tampa I could of used a crappy pun) by defeating them in the first round and then going on to the conference finals where they were steamrolled by the LA steamrollers, or Kings.

One guy who was with the team that year was veteran forward and Ashton Kutcher/Frolik look alike, Antoine Vermette. Vermette took being eliminated to heart and felt like the team wasn’t efficient enough in setting up plays and could not score on Jonathan Quick as a direct result of that.

Vermette is a guy who loves the Coyotes, and loves playing for them, he eats, breathes, and sleeps with Coyotes. Or however that saying goes. Ultimately, his love for this team is evident in the fact that he has played with them for more than one season.

It’s been a few years now and the team is still missing the precision passing playmaker (PPP, I’m sure it’s a thing) that they did not have in the finals against LA. Vermette took note of this and had a chat with Coyotes GM Don Baloney before the most recent trade deadline. The mission was simple, get traded to the Blackhawks for a 1st round pick they could use on one of the best playmakers in the draft, and return after the season. They knew the Hawks are likely to go far and have a late pick. Nick Merkley fit the bill perfectly as far as playing style and projected draft ranking went.

However, that was only half of it, the other half was actually winning a cup. Something Vermette wanted very much and knows his Coyotes cannot do until they stop sucking, and Martin Hanzal stops hacking everyones wrists. Months after being traded, The Blackhawks were deep in the playoffs. Vermette had a strong playoffs scoring 4 goals with 3 being game winners. Vermette eventually ended up winning his first cup with the team, as Chicago won yet another Stanley Cup.


That was 3 cups in 6 years for Chicago. On July 1st it was 2 Vermettes in 3 years for Arizona. Same guy though. Just days before at the draft, The Coyotes drafted two phenomenal playmakers taking a big playmaker in Dylan Strome, with the 3rd overall pick, and a smaller playmaker super Amadeus in Nick Merkley with the infiltrated Chicago draft pick.

When asked about this top secret mission in a video interview, Antoine said he had no comment on it, and that he wanted us to call him Vermette, Antoine Vermette. He then pulled out a PP7 and shot out the camera lens.

Mission accomplished, Vermette, Antoine Vermette.


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Every once in a while a players falls in the draft and becomes a steal. This year the Florida Panthers pulled off the heist of the century when they drafted a 6’4 215 lb Canadian man beast with the 11th overall pick. The other teams were afraid they could not tame such raw power, but the Panthers took a courageous chance and The Crouse is now theirs to unleash on a frightened National Hockey league.

The Panthers probably thought they were just getting a mean power forward who could someday fill a top 6 role and occasionally wallop guys the size of Johnny Gaudreau. Little did they know they drafted the greatest goal scorer of our time. The second coming of Gretzky, but with the size of Lemieux.

How could someone possibly know this?

NHL 15.

Just look at the goal and point totals for this guy. It’s clearly evident that by the 2026/27 season, the Panthers will have the NHLs first 100 goal scorer. Not only that, but judging by his Playoff numbers, the Florida Panthers will have a dynasty that will save the franchise from relocating, just barely, then maybe later on they move somewhere cool, like Canada.

Seriously though. Don’t be surprised surprised if Crouse scores a hat trick in his first game, on his first shift, on his first shot.

The league just got a whole lot Scorier.

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