The Confuqulation That Was Van Vs. Phoenix.
Entry posted by getHIGGYwithit
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We've all heard it before. AV is a coaching genius. AV got us to the Stanley Cup Finals. AV has made the Vancouver Canucks the best team the organization has ever been able to produce. When we were winning this mentality was all fine and dandy. We bowed down to our mobster look a like coach, and bragged about his sass. We giggled with him, shook our heads in disgust with him, and stood behind him as he smirked his way into our hearts.
But times have changed, and moods have soured. We were warned. The Mayans told us the world would end in 2012, and we all thought it was a joke. We thought that there was no way they could be right. But then the worst has happened. Our worst nightmare came true. The Sedin’s got off the scoring board.
Fans began to wander the streets in confusion, calling out obscenities as the faint sound of "Henrik to Daniel" faded into a mere memory. Stumbling into local sports traders the fans did the unthinkable. A shipment of "Weise" "Alberts" and "Rome" jerseys found their way onto the streets of Vancouver. The city obviously losing touch of what a good hockey player looked like.
And then it happened. The angry little French man in AV reared its ugly head after losing to his former team.
"How could Montreal beat us?” he clamored. "They are one of the worst teams in the league!"
And that is when AV went crazy. When our sassy bilingual coach went rogue.
And did this:
22, 33, 21
20, 17, 7
14, 26, 36
9, 40, 32
3, 23
2, 8
5, 6
AV PROBLEM 1) You know you can make a problem list when you find Mason Raymond on your first line.
As speedy as that little guy is, he is no first liner. I believe it is a requirement for 1st liner's to know how to not fall on the ice. But then again Mason Raymond's girlfriend Alex Burrows may want to argue that.
Overall, the game against Phoenix didn't go horribly when looking at it offensively. The shock appeal of Raymond’s promotion had settled pregame for the crowd. The Canucks clearly knowing this would be a difficult decision for the fans to accept released the hint that Raymond would be on the 1st line the day before. Everyone was ready for the horror show that would be the first line. We all accepted that Raymond was destroying every other line, and that since the Sedin’s are currently slumping, we may as well quarantine the worst players to one line. The line did not fail to disappoint throughout the night. While MayRay did a great job of rushing the puck into the opposing teams zone, he failed to bank on any chances that were presented to him. Fans weren’t disappointed to see Raymond fall though, because they came prepared. Everyone in the crowd had brought a 40 of Captain Mo’s and were ready for the Mason Raymond drinking game.
Result: An even more ineffective first line. A crowd of drunk, and sad Sedin fans.
AV PROBLEM 2) Burr's Demotion.
The leagues of 'Stanley Cup Finals #14' jersey's were disgusted that their dragon slayer had fallen to the third line.
"Clearly AV is just jealous of his luscious eyebrows," said every (ie. no) fan.
These die hard Burr supporters decided to give the demotion a chance once realizing that Jannik Hansen is actually kind of bad ass. Quickly the crowd saw that Burr & the Honey Badger have some wicked chemistry, and that together they could possibly 'win da turd'. After a quick, scrambling goal by Burrows in the first period, all but 4 burrows jerseys were content to find him on the 3rd line and away from the toxicity that is the ‘current Sedins’. As for the 4 burrows jerseys that were not content, they all happened to be poorly made fake jerseys, donned by 14 year old females looking for Chris Higgins abs, and wondering why Cody Hodgson was missing a tooth.
Result: Turned out ok. We’ll let AV off this time.
AV PROBLEM 3) Manny Out, Weise In.
One of the most gigantic jaws problems with the unibrow 4th line was that Dale Weise was on it. As much as that one misguided girl from twitter thinks he's 'liek the coOLest canuk" he is actually really bad. Not only is his face productivity lacking in Canuck standards, but his overall ugliness bitterness over being a healthy scratch for the past 10 or so games has really made him an unattractive (oh wait no that works) unattractive choice for the team. Unfortunately we had no choice in the matter due to Manny Malhotra being out for personal reasons.
Result: I had to look at Dale Weise’s face. Wasn’t the loss punishment enough?
AV PROBLEM 4) Splitting up the HamJuice.
Nobody could have predicted how good Ham and Juice would work together. Ham is so tender, and well rounded, while Juice is tangy and can pack a punch. However, opposites must attract because the two make a delicious very effective defensive pairing. While numbers may tell AV that the defensive pairs may be faltering, these numbers (may I say in the most proper way) are wack. Taking Hamhuis away from Bieksa, is like taking away a stroller from a baby. Who is the baby going to lean on? Who is the baby going to rely on when he goes to pinch in from the corner and has the puck stolen from him? (Ok, bad metaphor). Either way, giving Bieksa a chance to shine with Edler, made Bieksa look like (and I say this nicely) the most ridiculous excuse of a defensemen in the league. I remember at one point in the game, I begged for AV to hear me through my TV and bench Bieksa. I pleaded for Rome to replace him. That's right. I wanted Rome to be on the ice. I saw past his numerous turn overs, repetitive horrible penalties, and over all stupid plays, because I wanted Bieksa off the ice. I knew at this point somewhere far away, maybe a small farm in Ornskoldsvik Sweden, that there was a pig that just learnt to fly.
Result: Bieksa having possibly the worst game of his career. Confusing Hamhuis into pinching and scoring a goal, throwing off the delicate balance that is the Hamjuice.
PROBLEM 5) Cody
Why you have to be so mean to him AV?
Result: We’re still angry about that.
Overall, the game was a bust. Our offense came out ready to kick ass and take names (especially Weise who was looking for some new LG twitter accounts to follow). What started as a 2-0 lead, fell as quickly as Mason Raymond in his signature spin-o-rama. No matter how hard the offense worked to create chances, the defense wasn’t able to stand strong and protect our net. Even though Luongo has looked extremely uncomfortable in net for the past few games, the goals cannot be blamed on him when he had no one to help him out. The amount of odd man rushes, and lack of coverage was absolutely grotesque.
When pre game AV said that MAG and Tanev were the most reliable defensemen, I quite literally guffawed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of the Tanman, but Hamhuis and Edler are just straight beastly. However, by the end of the game I had to agree with AV’s statement pregame. Stupid evil genius.
The worst part is that in yesterdays practice the defense pairings stayed roughly the same. While I know that we are just mere fans, and that the coaching staff have experience and expertise, I must give a solid WTF. Obviously breaking up the Hamjuice was a horrible mistake… how can they not see that?
MOVING ON from last game. I look forward to seeing the final line decisions for tonight’s game against Columbus. I don’t want to jinx anything here, but I think we are all on the same page when I say that we should win this game. A 92 point- 3rd place team vs. a 51 point- last place team should be a sure bet. However, given our previous losing streak, I think we all have reason to be a little worried.
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