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Dustin Penners Pancake Peril

Boeserific

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Reblogged from: https://narwhalhockey.wordpress.com

Pancakes never hurt anyone, except Dustin Penner.

It all started three years ago. A delicious stack of pancakes was made by Penners then wife, Jessica. Dustin couldn’t wait to devour them (the pancakes, you knew that). He quickly hunched over to eat them and felt something go in his back, mid chew. He corrected his posture as a cascade of butter and syrup slowly ran down his face, he knew that he was hurt.

Dustin went to the LA Kings trainer to see if he could fix what was wrong with his back, the trainer was unable to do anything and sent him home. When asked about it, the trainer said that this was by far the worst pancake related injury he has seen in his professional career, and that he hopes to never see anything like it ever again.

When the team found out about his injury, the news spread like Wildfire (Min vs CGY) and Dustin quickly became a laughing stock on social media. Even Phil Kessel had a laugh at his expense. It was at that moment that Dustin knew his career would never be the same again.

Fortunately, his back got better after a few days of resting on the couch. He credits video games for the fast healing. Games such as Wayne Gretzkys 3D Hockey, and NHL99 helped him stay in shape during this tough time. He also claims that he smashed his records in Ms. Pacman Maze Madness, Elmo’s Number Journey, and Hey You, Pikachu!

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He finished the season with the Kings and went on to sign with the Anaheim Ducks, the pancake jokes in the Ducks locker room got so bad that they started putting pancakes in catering. He requested a trade shortly thereafter, and was dealt to Washington, where the pancake jokes continued, and escalated into full on pancake standup comedy routines.

Within 5 minutes of being in the Caps locker room, Penner was made fun of by the Russian players. According to Penner, he walked into the room and all he heard was Ovechkin, Orlov, and Kuznetsov having a chat in Russian, then all of a sudden Ovechkin says pancakes and they started laughing.. in Russian. If that’s possible.. if not, I apologize.. in Canadian.

It was about this time Penner said to himself that he was just going to finish the season and leave. He has been a free agent ever since and attributes the pancake incident as a career ruining moment. It even got to the point where he received a few joke calls from GMs hoping to obtain his services, they always started innocent enough, but ended with the GM asking if they can do a pancake performance bonus for his contract, at that point the GM usually laughs and hangs up.

He has tried to rectify (heh) this situation by switching to gluten free buckwheat pancakes, sugar free syrups, and even the unthinkable act of using foreign maple syrups on his pancakes. Nothing is working, says Penner.

How can something so good go so wrong? It doesn’t have to be this way, he says. After years of suffering, and a lot of thought (about pancakes), Dustin is actually at peace with it and is ready to embrace the whole thing. He is in talks to be the new spokesperson for Aunt Jemima. We’re not sure how that’s going to play out, but maybe they can work him in as her half cousin or something, because not even that is as strange as a grown man injuring his back while eating pancakes.

Lastly, but certainly not leastly, he is currently in the process of creating Penners Pancakes, a charity that provides pancakes to underprivileged bearded men who have thrown out their back.

If that doesn’t deserve an NHL Foundation award, I don’t know what does.

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This one is a bit of a read. Will try to keep them short like the first two when I can.

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