Need an Analysis of a Potential Date

[Matthew Lombardi 18]

I met - through a mutual friend - a girl that I'm interested in. We've been MSNing/texting /Facebooking for extended hours every single day.

I haven't physically met yet HOWEVER, I've tried three seperate and individual times (not in a creepy way) to ask her for a casual tea/coffee/drink and it doesn't seem to be working. The first time, she sorta glossed over it. The second time, she agreed to do it one day. The third time, she said that the weather has been bad lately, so after the third time, I told her, "okay fair enough, you decide whenever - i won't ask again".

She seems to trust me. She actually texted me if I've ever had FWBs before and of course, I got caught off guard. When I was slow to reply, she bugged me asking if I was avoiding her question. I told her I didn't do it. She replied and said that she's had two FWBs but didn't work out at all. I told her she was worth more than an FWB to a guy.

This girl: she's the same age as me, lives in the same city as me, is really unique both in looks and interests. She does a lot of things that many other girls just don't do, like being interested in woodworking. She's nice but shy. She's had a boyfriend that dumped her and she's been somewhat living in the past. I've been trying to break her apart from that and I've tried to present myself as the potential next one. But it doesn't seem to be working.

But NO PHYSICAL contact so far, which of course has been derailed. So after the third time, I decided to give up.

So, two days ago (keep in mind I've met her for a little more than a week), I texted her and told her how I felt about her (which was.. I've been liking you more and more lately). I figured I'd experiment and avoid being friendzoned like I've been before.

She didn't say no but she DEFINITELY sidestepped it. She said (paraphrasing) that some guys think they see something but really find out later that it was nothing. Maybe this is her defense mechanism.

I responded and said "Fair enough, but some guys are not really that shallow as you think".

Then she said "I'll think about it but right now I have a headache so I have a hard time expressing myself" so I left it at that. I told her I hoped that she'll feel better soon.

She texted me later but didn't talk about what we talked about today. Instead, she talked about another topic (broke her nail wearing jeans), then it went to eating and I didn't reply after that.

So today, I decided not to reply to her couple of texts and tonight she thought I was ignoring her, to which I denied of course, but yes, I was avoiding her.

Now I'm seriously pulling away from her - despite my interest in her. I just want to give her the cold shower and just move on.

So, what's your analysis of this situation? Please feel free to point out errors/mistakes that I've made (I'm here to learn so I won't take it personal) and other compliments. I'll fill in more necessary info if needed.

What is your analysis of this girl? Is she worth pursuing? She has a similar background to me in that she has difficulty trusting people from the opposite gender so it seems we'd understand each other quite well.

I don't want to be a player yet I don't want to waste time too if she won't ever like me back the same way.

If she really is in fact interested in JUST an FWB, how do I approach this? I don't really want to ask her for an FWB because I feel there's something more there.

Thanks.

[mau5trap]

I'm off to work, but I will revisit this when I come back..

Interesting...

[Amish Rake Fighter]

It sounds like, if anything, either she wants something casual with no strings attached or she's a little gun shy from past experiences. The important thing is what you want, if you're okay with the casual situation or you think there's a possibility for something more, then move on to step 2.

Try asking her out to a situation with a group of friends so there's no pressure.

If she doesn't go for that, she's probably not worth wasting any more time on. Personally I don't like playing games but I'm a lot older and I've seen this kind of thing before. I'm not saying she's one of them because I don't have enough information, but some girls just like stringing guys along for whatever reason.

Sometimes ignoring them will pique their interest

[Rye and Kesler]

FWB...

[nucklehead]

Marry her.

[Jai604]

You've stated your stance on the situation. Don't chase her now. If she's interested, she'll contact you.

Don't avoid her, but at the same time, don't make yourself too available.

[kacholu]

The biggest mistake you have made was showing too much interest I think. Without meeting her physically it's a bit of turn off to express how you feel.

Like the above poster mentioned, do not ask her out again. Somehow hint on going with a group of friends if she says anything but a solid yes then you have to cut her loose. On a side note, she might not be as great as you think, could be just the fact that she is ignoring you that's making you more attached.

If she likes to be fwb and you don't then can you introduce her to me?

[Phil_314]

Texting only allows you to "get to know" someone to a certain extent, and from what she said I'd be skeptical about her; take it with a grain of salt especially if you haven't met them before

Also, how do you get that she TRUSTS you when she won't even want to see you or be honest with you (and how do you know that how she presents herself through her texts is really her?), and if you perceive that she wants you to just be her FWB? The first two (honesty and seeing you) should be self-exp as being important but in particular the last part about her asking you to be her FWB could mean that she's just loose and wants to find security from you, possibly for just a short period of time, maybe even as a rebound guy. How could it be presumed that trust exists?

That's my two cents. I wouldn't continue with her unless she's willing to initiate and meet you in person to really see how she is.

[Stefan]

She's 100% not interested at the moment.

Doesn't mean she CAN'T, or WON'T be, but attraction is pretty damn delicate.

You've stated you're interested, which is an enormous problem.

First off, you guys hadn't met. Turn off city. You killed any good tension. And tension is good... You meet, everything is in the air, a bit of confusion about where you two stand with eachother, there's that awkward moment, and before you know it you're porking her.

You sort of came off as a sucker. I used to do this crap all the time, you were just being honest, but that's the reality of the matter.

The quicker you can just shut up and keep your feelings to yourself the quicker you'll start having success with women like this, and I say "like this" for a reason, because her reaction isn't uncommon, but it does come with a special breed of women.

Is it safe to say you're both teenagers? How old is she, and you if you don't mind me asking?

Anyways, if you want to redeem yourself, and you're really fixated on this girl (which is a huge waste of time in my opinion, unless she's boner city) just pretend you've never said anything. Just talk to her, don't suggest to go out anymore cause that's also ruining it for you, and just be passive. She's playing a game with you, whether those are her intentions or not, maybe she doesn't realise it, but she is.

I've been on her side of the fence, where a girl has shown too much interest in me and for WHATEVER REASON it just kills something inside of you.

So, next time the topic of discussion is what each of you are doing later in the day/at night, whatever, lie. You're going to say you're just hanging out with a girl you met a few days ago. Don't get into detail, and don't reveal anything, and don't feel bad for lying, and if you do, make plans with a lady friend so you're not. It's just going to be bait, see how she reacts. If she asks the details, just say you're not sure, you're just going to hang out. If she's very persistent in getting details, then it's good. She's bothered by the fact that you're showing interest in other women. Keep it low detail, and play it off as nothing like "oh just a friend hanging out it's no big deal", but try to throw in some flirty playful teasing like, asking her if it bothers her.

Anyways, let me know how it goes dude. I feel your pain. Years of inexperience, no sex for months and months and months, and looooooooots of learning.

[Bertuzzi Babe]

From a female perspective...... and going solely on what you've said here...

You've been corresponding with this girl for only a week and yet on day 5 (or so) you've told her how you feel about her.......

She was dumped by her previous boyfriend which is a difficult thing to get over and past, something she very clearly has not done yet because as you said " she's been somewhat living in the past"....

She has side-stepped three different opportunities to meet you - three opportunities you've thrown at her in less than a week...

You say she's shy and yet you're coming on (as demonstrated by the behavior of yours you've detailed here) pretty strong in the face of that in spite of knowing all the above....

She's been sending some pretty clear messages, actually......though it's much more obvious from the female perspective than the male. She's ignoring the content of your texts by focusing on trivialities like a broken nail and wearing jeans, avoiding discussion by citing a 'headache' etc., and she was pretty clear when she said "that some guys think they see something but really find out later that it was nothing." It was a warning, a subtle one, but a warning off, nonetheless.

The FWB question may have been a test of sorts but again.....she's made it obvious that just doesn't/hasn't work for her. (And I am very impressed by your answer to her in regards to that, by the way! ) And perhaps she was a little taken aback by your answer as it was not what she was expecting to hear. Which then throws another pressure aspect into her decision making.

My opinion is that she doesn't appear ready to move into another relationship yet. Given time and confidence to get back 'in the dating game' again, you might be the guy she'd like to meet and go out with. Right now, I think she's still hurting and burnt from her previous relationship. If you want to try and further anything with this girl, I think you do need to back off.......wa-a-ay off......be her friend.......let her start trusting a guy again.......don't pressure her because if you do, she's going to cut and run, like she's demonstrating to you right now.

It's a lot to ask, a lot to invest in a girl you've only just met and have known for 7+ days but when it comes right down to it, only YOU know if she's worth it and if you're willing to wait it out or not! Good luck!

[Bertuzzi Babe]

Texting only allows you to "get to know" someone to a certain extent, and from what she said I'd be skeptical about her; take it with a grain of salt especially if you haven't met them before

Also, how do you get that she TRUSTS you when she won't even want to see you or be honest with you (and how do you know that how she presents herself through her texts is really her?), and if you perceive that she wants you to just be her FWB? The first two (honesty and seeing you) should be self-exp as being important but in particular the last part about her asking you to be her FWB could mean that she's just loose and wants to find security from you, possibly for just a short period of time, maybe even as a rebound guy. How could it be presumed that trust exists?

That's my two cents. I wouldn't continue with her unless she's willing to initiate and meet you in person to really see how she is.

[Down by the River]

You made one key mistake, but its okay, many of us make it (I definitely have).

You never want to lay all your cards on the table early on. Don't tell her that you like her. Especially don't tell her that you have been liking her "more and more". Wait till you have had at least a few (3+) dates.

As a guy, when you find a girl who you are interested in, we have a tendency to think there must be other guys after her. Because we think this, sometimes we have the attitude of "I really need to lock this girl down and show interest before some other guy comes along". This is an attitude that needs to change.

There are always going to be other guys after the girl you like, whether you are in a relationship wit her or not. You need to forget about them. Don't let that possiblity pressure you into trying to move things forward faster than usual. Stay the course. Let her feel that you are not concerned about other guys and that you aren't worried about trying to spend every moment with her out of fear she will find someone else. Make her see that you know that you are her best option.That shows confidence and is attractive.

EDIT:

One More Tip:

Chances are, since you are a guy, you are a crap texter. You're texting, but you're also watching the Canucks, doing homework, making food, etc.

I have got myself in a world of trouble not paying attention to the details of what I have been texting. I know its hard for you, beacuse you haven't actually met this girl in person, but whenever possible, avoid lengthy text conversations. If you can't aviod it, put some thought into what you are saying. More importantly, put some thought into what you are saying within the context of what she just said.

[KittenMittons]

Honestly, if a girl wants to spend time with you and talk to you, she will. She won't make excuses. Even if I am busy on a night that a guy asks me out, I will say no but suggest another date. While I say no to coffee on Wednesday, I offer to meet for coffee on Thursday. Her sidestepping questions and suggestions to meet is clearly because she's not interested.

And, I hate to point out a television show, but How I Met Your Mother actually made an interesting point in that "we are always on someone's hook, and we always have someone on our hook." This girl, while having no real romantic feelings for you, is keeping you on her hook. It may be because she sees you as a backup or maybe she just feels attractive knowing a guy is interested in her without reciprocating any feelings. Whatever the reason, I personally say forget about it and move on. Relationships should never be this frustrating and complicated.

[Common sense]

You were very upfront with it, which is good - most people aren't, and unfortunately it leads to further problems in the relationship as it progresses. You have stated your intentions, only to be subtly rejected.

As much as it sucks, give her the final ultimatum of meeting her for coffee, allow it to be on her terms (when it is, whether friends can be there as well), and if she rejects, then move on

[Down by the River]

And, I hate to point out a television show, but How I Met Your Mother actually made an interesting point in that "we are always on someone's hook, and we always have someone on our hook." This girl, while having no real romantic feelings for you, is keeping you on her hook.

[Matthew Lombardi 18]

Many thanks to everyone who replied - in particular to the following people that I'm quoting. There's a lot of sense made by people here on it.

It sounds like, if anything, either she wants something casual with no strings attached or she's a little gun shy from past experiences. The important thing is what you want, if you're okay with the casual situation or you think there's a possibility for something more, then move on to step 2.

Try asking her out to a situation with a group of friends so there's no pressure.

If she doesn't go for that, she's probably not worth wasting any more time on. Personally I don't like playing games but I'm a lot older and I've seen this kind of thing before. I'm not saying she's one of them because I don't have enough information, but some girls just like stringing guys along for whatever reason.

Sometimes ignoring them will pique their interest

[I R Baboon]

Like everyone else has already stated, you laid it out all on the table way too quick. But if you really like this girl, don't give up just yet after a week or so. I remember I did the samething ad you with my current girlfriend, but fortunately I waited till she was ready, trust it make take a while but it's worth it.

[FeStealth]

Too fast junior....

Asking for coffee is too direct probably, since it's a 1 on 1 meeting. Just say you're gonna go for a couple of drinks with your buddies, watching hockey, whatever group activity... and ask her to tag along.

Make the first physical contact very low-key. As of now, you're basically acting like a little puppy that keeps following her, albeit just online.

[Matthew Lombardi 18]

You made one key mistake, but its okay, many of us make it (I definitely have).

You never want to lay all your cards on the table early on. Don't tell her that you like her. Especially don't tell her that you have been liking her "more and more". Wait till you have had at least a few (3+) dates.

As a guy, when you find a girl who you are interested in, we have a tendency to think there must be other guys after her. Because we think this, sometimes we have the attitude of "I really need to lock this girl down and show interest before some other guy comes along". This is an attitude that needs to change.

There are always going to be other guys after the girl you like, whether you are in a relationship wit her or not. You need to forget about them. Don't let that possiblity pressure you into trying to move things forward faster than usual. Stay the course. Let her feel that you are not concerned about other guys and that you aren't worried about trying to spend every moment with her out of fear she will find someone else. Make her see that you know that you are her best option.That shows confidence and is attractive.

EDIT:

One More Tip:

Chances are, since you are a guy, you are a crap texter. You're texting, but you're also watching the Canucks, doing homework, making food, etc.

I have got myself in a world of trouble not paying attention to the details of what I have been texting. I know its hard for you, beacuse you haven't actually met this girl in person, but whenever possible, avoid lengthy text conversations. If you can't aviod it, put some thought into what you are saying. More importantly, put some thought into what you are saying within the context of what she just said.

[Matthew Lombardi 18]

Too fast junior....

Asking for coffee is too direct probably, since it's a 1 on 1 meeting. Just say you're gonna go for a couple of drinks with your buddies, watching hockey, whatever group activity... and ask her to tag along.

Make the first physical contact very low-key. As of now, you're basically acting like a little puppy that keeps following her, albeit just online.