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I've Penned A Letter To Boston

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#31 Tony Romo

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Posted 28 April 2012 - 09:19 AM

lol he's just bitter his team has never won anything and that there's more red sox fans than rays fans at his home games.

Red sox have won 2 championships in 86 years

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#32 Neversummer


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Posted 28 April 2012 - 09:31 AM

You're wasting your time. As noble as letter is, I'm sure they've thought about it for a millisecond and said 'no'.

#33 La Mauviette75

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Posted 28 April 2012 - 10:03 AM

Check the time stamp of the OP's post as it was written BEFORE the Bruins organization came out with their statement.

Indeed it was. perhaps it would have been more sensible to wait a little for the Bruins to react. it was really predictable that they were going to issue a statement. any team would have.

either way, here are my belated comments. I hope they are helpful, Kristin. They are given in good faith.

"Dear Boston Bruins Organisation"

other people mentioned the alternative spelling of Organization. since i grew up in europe as well, I'm tempted to spell it with an S too, but since it's going to an american source, it's probably best to spell it the american way. It's a little odd to address the letter to the organization as a whole. a little research may allow you to address it to someone in particular. Peter Chiarelli? Cam Neely? The Jacobs family? some kind of PR director? if you just address it this way, no one will read it, apart maybe for some intern who will shred it with glee.

First of all good show on a fantastic series, as a fan of hockey and the NHL in general I love the playoffs.

Here, as is almost always the case, you need a comma after "first of all". Then, there's too many ideas in this one sentence. The Bruins performance in the first round is a separate idea from your appreciation of the NHL (the two ideas aren't logically connected. the fact that you love the playoffs and the NHL has no incidence on whether the Bruins had a good show, or whether the series was fantastic). "good show" is further a little colloquial for an official letter. Maybe split the sentences. So, "first of all congrats" and then introduce yourself as as fan of the game. Also, when you start with "first of all", you generally need another adverb or something to indicate you're moving on from the first point. So next idea should have something like ['second', or 'in addition', or 'this being said', or 'however' etc...)

"Sorry you aren't moving on but this is a good time to now reflect on how you can make your team, your players, you fans and your city proud again.

Starting a sentence with "Sorry", again, is colloquial. The "i" is implied, which is no good for formal letters. so "i regret" or something like that. Also, in official letters, if you want to be taken seriously, you should strive not to use contractions, unless they really help the flow of a sentence. aren't = are not. a comma after "moving on" would help the rhythm of this sentence. there's a minor typo at "you fans".

Further, on the substantive side, I think the night of the defeat might not be the best time to reflect on how to make improvements. Finally, "proud again" is perhaps a little too heavy in connotations. It strongly implies that the team, the players, the fans and the city are not proud at the moment. This could strike a chord because, as I'm sure you know, hockey players and fans are very proud human beings. A defeat in a valiant fought series may only bolster this pride and people may not take kindly to the insinuation of the opposite. Further, a few racists making stupid comments would not put an organization to shame. It may anger them, but since it's far from reflecting the opinions of the bruins team, fans , city etc... it doesn't hurt their pride. Anyhow, when you list "your team, your players, you fans and your city" you should use a comma right before the "and". It's called a serial comma, and though it is not mandatory, it certainly is more proper than not using one. Let's put it this way, no one objects to a comma there, whereas some people get all uppity about it so might as well just do it.

I don't know if you are aware of this but this came to light from numerous boards

Because this is a sentence, it needs a period at the end of it. You mention "this" throughout your letter, but you never mention what "this" is. Though many would understand what it is you're talking about because of the context, you need to specifically identify the subject of your letter. So clearly state that "this" is the racist tweets following the overtime goal scored by a Black player.

Further, since these tweets are big news, I think it pretty obvious that it would come to their attention, so you probably don't need to hedge with the "awareness" question. Further, you may not want to indicate that your awareness of the tweets comes from an internet board (but if you do, you should specify what kind of "board" since many people are not familiar with what an internet board is). In fact, you could just say that you saw this on twitter yourself. Internet boards are a secondary source, and an unreliable one at that. Primary sources are much stronger. It's a much stronger statement to say "I saw this with my own eyes and i disapprove" than saying "i saw that someone saw this somewhere and i disapprove of what was he said he saw".

Now I have to be honest with you, I am not a Bruins fan (I grew up with the Habs) however this is a new low in hockey.

This is a good sentence because you're yielding information to your interlocutor. By acknowledging your position as a Habs fan, you're strengthening your credibility (which is counterintuitive). However, this sentence has the same problem as one of the sentences above. There's two separate ideas here. the fact that you're a Habs fan has nothing to do with the fact that this is a new low in hockey. The logic you're trying to convey is simple. Basically it's" I admit i'm a Habs fan, however this does not impair my objective belief that these racist tweets are the worse thing that ever happened in hockey". This does not flow naturally from your sentence. Simply adding "I believe" before "this is a new low" could help. again, you need a comma before "however". "I grew up with the Habs" is also slightly colloquial for a formal letter.

If I may offer a suggestion, if any of these people are season ticket holders, you may want to review your contracts with them.

Good sentence overall. you could just have a colon after "suggestion" so that the reader is alert to the fact that the suggestion is coming right up. again "these people" is too vague. just say exactly what you mean: the people who tweeted racist tweets. you can also be more bold in your suggestion. what you mean is that their season tickets should simply be terminated. "review" is a little weak, since this is an important part of your letter.

This isn't good for your team, the city, and fans of hockey in general.

Apart from the problem that this sentence is just stating the obvious, you could benefit from being specific. what team, what city? Anything to make the job easier on the reader. Boston and the Bruins is what you really mean. you don't want the reader's brain to have to make connections, as small as they might be. "This isn't good" isn't strong enough. It's BAD. that's much stronger and direct, and it's what you're trying to say.

This is an embarrassment and its spreading.

"It is", not "its". if you must, make it "it's". "It's spreading" is vague. what do you mean by that? what is "it"? what is the threat we're facing here? be specific.

May you make the wise decision and please re-educate your fans on what good sportsmanship is.

"May you" is a little forceful, but I like it. reeducate is one word. again, the implications of this sentence are a little too strong though. it implies that the bruins "fans" in general don't know what good sportsmanship is. This may or may not be true, but if you want a listening ear, you need to hedge a little. Hedging is very important and it makes your argument seem more balanced. Also, your argument goes beyond "good sportsmanship". racism is not a question of sportsmanship. sportsmanship is acknowledging defeat to a superior opponent. racism is criminal. you're hurting your argument by presenting this as a question of good manners when it's a much deeper issue. "on what good sportsmanship is", is a little clunky. a more direct approach might be better, so: "reeducate your fans on how to.... or reeducate your fans so that....".

I wish you luck in the future, and I hope that the Bruins can be the stoic original 6 team that it is suppose to be.

What do you mean by stoic here? The common definition of stoic is: "A person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining". I don't think that's ever been a quality any team has ever had. Emotion is a great part of the game. Showing emotion is central to hockey. Fans care, players care, and it's always good when they show that emotion, within reason. So a different word than stoic would be better. Also it's Original Six nor original 6. generally it's best not to use numerals when they're short, and since Original Six is a proper noun, it takes capital letters. "suppose" should be "supposed". I think "supposed to be" is a big strong too. You don't want the reader to feel insulted. It's a fine line, but you can make someone realize there's something wrong with them without having them feel humiliated or insulted.

Overall it's a pretty good letter. If you want to be heard it needs to be more formal though. feel free to disagree on any points. If you feel strongly about this, there are a bunch of different ways you could have your voice heard, be it by sending it to someone in the organization who will actually read it, or sharing it with the hockey community at large, or having it published online or in print.

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#34 La Mauviette75

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Posted 28 April 2012 - 10:08 AM

Red sox have won 2 championships in 86 years

that's a pretty selective time stamp. they've also won 2 championships in the past ten years. or we could just settle it as they've won 7 world series in their long history, two of them coming in recent years.

which is more than i can say about the rays.
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#35 King Of The BS

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Posted 28 April 2012 - 11:13 AM

i rarely log on
but this really motivated me to post so be warned
Being a montreal fan you never knew that after every home game anytime brashear walked to or from the dressing room, the habs faithful would call him the N word among other various disgusting things.

is it worse the teams fans are doing it to an own player ?

or a bunch of ( and we all know) classy bruins fans after a loss,hidden online like cowards ?

racism is wrong anyway shape or form.
im not defending anyones actions but when a habs fan pens a letter to the bruins,there is a little bias and it makes you sound conceited.especially when the habs fans are known for it.
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#36 Smashian Kassian

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Posted 28 April 2012 - 11:19 AM

Organization has a Z

I don't think a huge organization like that would take spelling errors seriously. I am not a grammar nazi but I am just trying to help before you send it off.

They have no control over their fans and they don't really have a way of figuring out who did it.

:picard: Read the names of the people on twitter???


#37 Denguin


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Posted 28 April 2012 - 11:20 AM

Lol, re-consider their contracts with their season ticket holders?

Yeah... Not gonna happen.

#38 La Mauviette75

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Posted 28 April 2012 - 11:31 AM

Lol, re-consider their contracts with their season ticket holders?

Yeah... Not gonna happen.

well it could. the bruins are maxed out and have a wait list for season tickets. so if they got rid of people, they could raise the prices more than they can for a returning season ticket holder no?

but honestly, the odds that one of those 40ish people is a season ticket holder are quite low. odds are they're fifteen years old and judging on their spelling/behavior, they're probably not the doctors and lawyers who can afford to pay that much for tickets
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