Baer. Posted November 12, 2015 Share Posted November 12, 2015 Why did the scarecrow win an award?Because he was outstanding in his field 2 Link to comment
Heretic Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Bit of knowledge for today Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. The weatherman assured him that there was absolutely no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once, because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area." The king was polite and considerate, but replied: "I hold my palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked...... and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about weather forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government, and ... occupy all its highest and most influential positions ...and which later became the official symbol for the Democratic party. Thus ends your Bit Of Knowledge for today. 2 Link to comment
BettyWhites44 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Why was the baby strawberry crying? Because his mother was in a Jam. 1 Link to comment
Heretic Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Priest and Pilot A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?' The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.' Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes Into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.' Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. 'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can This be? 'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.' 1 Link to comment
thejazz97 Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 How does Justin Trudeau keep his breath fresh? With govern-mints! 1 Link to comment
D-Money Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume? A: Because they're ugly and they stink. 2 Link to comment
theminister Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 Knock, Knock. Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? 2 Link to comment
Angry Goose Posted January 6, 2016 Share Posted January 6, 2016 What's the difference between a hippopotamus and a Zippo? One is a heavy animal, the other is a little lighter! 1 Link to comment
JAY JAY Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Packed Lunch An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building" The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much. "Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch." 1 Link to comment
thejazz97 Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Link to comment
JAY JAY Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 When To Start Cussing! A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!" 1 Link to comment
JAY JAY Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Montreal Canadians Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a season when neither the Leafs nor the Canadians made the post season playoffs. It seemed so unusual, that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams because of their great rivalry. So, they decided on a week-long ice fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. So on a cold Northern Ontario lake they began their contest. The first day after 8 hours of fishing the Canadians had caught 100 fish and the Leafs had 0. At the end of the 2nd day the Canadians had caught 200 fish and the Leafs 0. That evening the Leafs coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place". So the next morning he dressed one of his players in Canadian colours and sent him over to their camp to act as a spy. At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked "Well, how about it, are they cheating?" "They sure are," the player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice". Link to comment
JAY JAY Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Two Little Kids Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room...the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." 2 Link to comment
JAY JAY Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Clever Words 1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s 2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage. 3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through 4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do 5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist 6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate. 7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets 8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living. 9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money. 10. HEROES What a man in a boat does 11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower 12. PARADOX Two physicians 13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm 14. POLARIZE What penguins see through Link to comment
JAY JAY Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Cowboy Boots An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat" Link to comment
JAY JAY Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Kids A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?", she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move", answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?", the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move." Link to comment
JAY JAY Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Nuck Wish I met a buddy today who was talking to a genie... The genie granted him a wish. "I want to live forever," He said. "Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that." "Fine," He said, "I want to die when the Canucks win the Stanley cup." "You crafty bastard!" said the genie. 1 Link to comment
JAY JAY Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Ole and Clarence Ole lived across the Minnesota River from Clarence Bunsen, whom he didn't like at all. They were yelling across the river at each other all the time. Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come ofver dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!" This went on for years. Finally, the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses. Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now iss yer chance, Ole. Vhy doncha go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you vud?" Ole replied, "OK, by yimminy, I tink I vill do yust dat!" Ole started for the bridge, but he saw a sign on the bridge and stopped to read it, then turned around and came back home. Lena asked, "Vhy did you come back?" Ole said, " Lena, I tink I changed my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know, vhen I yell at him from across da river he don't look so big. But dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 In." Link to comment
JAY JAY Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 Crow Study They found about 200 dead crows near Halifax, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the look-out crow could say "Cah" but could not say "Truck." Link to comment
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