Cheesy Joke Thread

[JAY JAY]

Hey buddy, do you have a light?

No I don't, ask me if I have a match.

Do you have a match?

Yea, my butt your face!

[ShakyWalton]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[chon derry]

an old italian man "luigi" says to another old italian man  hey mario u like  the fat women?   mario says no,  luigi asks hey mario u like awoman with a hairy legs? mario says no  luigi asks hey mario you like woman with amoustach? mario says no, luigi says hey mario then why you f cka my wife?

[JAY JAY]

Stow Away

 

A young blonde Surrey girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the sea.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by.

"You're not thinking of jumping, are you babe?" he asked.

"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.

 

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.

"Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Alaska tomorrow.

Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there.

I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found".

 

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night.

For the next few weeks, the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats.

He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

 

The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to Alaska.

One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me."

 

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, "He certainly is. This is the ferry to Swartz Bay."

 

[JAY JAY]

Birthday

 

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday.

My parents forgot and so did my kids.

I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

 

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!"

I felt so special.

She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.

We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"

"Okay," I said.

 

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, &

my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[JAY JAY]

Hickory Dickory Dock.

 

Two mice ran up the clock.

 

The clock struck one and the other got away with minor injuries.

[JAY JAY]

CAUTION - ADULT JOKE

 

The Interview

 

 

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

 

[LaBamba]

Why would Jesus suck at hockey?!

 

Cause he'd get nailed to the boards. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 20, 2016 by LaBamba

[Sean Monahan]

What's the difference between an old greyhound station and a lobster with 36DD breasts?

 

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

[ShakyWalton]

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing...

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"

"But if you have sex with just one goat..."

[Tearloch7]

Good one Shaky ...  glad to see you have retained your perspective ..

Edited September 23, 2016 by Tearloch7

[ShakyWalton]

15 minutes ago, Tearloch7 said:

Good one Shaky ...  glad to see you have retained your perspective ..

You bet ...as skewed as it is  .....good to see you around.

[JAY JAY]

Funny You Should Ask

 

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel.

By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.

Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian.

Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."

So they went to see the Rabbi.

The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian.

What is happening to our young people?

Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.

Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.

 

The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel..."

[chon derry]

so a jewish mother goes to the airport to meet her daughter ,she see's her daughter walking with an african man with a grass skirt and a bone thru his nose ,the mother walks up to the daughter and slaps her in the face , and says you idiot i said a rich doctor!

[JAY JAY]

Contest

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together.

 

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.

Next week is his first communion.”

 

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word.

The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

 

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.

 

“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

[JAY JAY]

Newfie Working Girl

 

A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

 

"Twenty dollars." she whispers.

 

Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

 

So they hide in the bushes.

 

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

 

It's a police officer

.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

 

"I'm making love to me wife!," the Newfoundlander answers, sounding annoyed

.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

 

"Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!"

 

[Heretic]

While out campaigning Donald & Hillary go into a bakery... As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket... She whispers to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see a thing and I don't even need to lie." Then she says "I will definitely win the election." ... Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, theft, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result." ... Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." ... Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another... the owner gives him another and Donald eats it...then Donald asks for a third pastry & eats that too... The owner looks at Donald and says, "Saw what you did with the pastries... where's the trick?" ... Trump replies... "Look in Hillary's pocket."
    

[JAY JAY]

Marriage Seminar

 

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

 

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

 

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

 

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

 

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

 

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[JAY JAY]

Blind Date

 

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.

 

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

 

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.

 

She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

 

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

 

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.

 

Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

 

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

 

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

 

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

 

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[Roger Neilsons Towel]

2 hours ago, JAY JAY said:

Blind Date

 

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.

 

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

 

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.

 

She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

 

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

 

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.

 

Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

 

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

 

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

 

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

 

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

 

This one made me laugh out loud! Hahaha