Cheesy Joke Thread

[JAY JAY]

In The Garden of Eden

 

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden.

God told Adam that it was time to populate the world. "Adam", he said, "you can start by kissing Eve".

 

"What's a kiss?", asked Adam. God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and kissed her.

Adam returned with a big smile on his face and said, "Lord, that was great! What's next?".

"Now you must caress Eve".

 

"What's caress?", asked Adam. God explained and then Adam took Eve behind a bush and lovingly caressed her.

Adam returned with a bigger smile and said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What's next?".

"Here is what gets the deed done. Now I want you to make love to Eve".

 

"What is make love?", asked Adam. God explained and then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

 

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?".

[JAY JAY]

For Those Who Remember

 

For all of you who remember being there... for those of you who are too young and weren't there - but sometimes wish you had been... Remember the words from the song...

 

 

"Where have all the flowers gone? long time passing"

 

 

Have you ever wondered what happened to all those really cute and crazy, good looking,

barefoot, young hippie chicks

 

 

who didn't wear bra's did drugs, smoked weed, got tattooed

 

 

and slept with every guy they met during that great Age of Aquarius back in the 60's?

 

 

Well, wonder no more !

 

 

 

                      

 

 

 

 

Kinda gets you tingly all over, doesn't it ?

[ShakyWalton]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man" the biker says "I didn't think you'd cry! I can't stand to see a man crying".

"This is the worst day of my life" I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me".

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

[JAY JAY]

[Tre Mac]

Why did the raging doctor go bankrupted?  He didn't have any patients.

[JAY JAY]

[ShakyWalton]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you
want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and
this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five
incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you
had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher
now, she might be disappointed.

 

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

[JAY JAY]

[Heretic]

A Heart-warming Lawyer Story:

 

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.  "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.  The grass is almost a foot high.”

 

 

Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?

[ShakyWalton]

Sister Maryellen entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.

Sister Maryellen lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, “Sister Maryellen, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.”

Sister Maryellen said, “Hard bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Priest said, “We will get you a better bed.”

After another 5 years, Sister Maryellen was summoned by the Priest. “You may say another two words, Sister Maryellen.”

“Cold food,” said Sister Maryellen, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Maryellen in to his office. “You may say two words today.”

“I quit,” said Sister Mary.

“It’s probably best,” said the Priest with a heartfelt sigh, “You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”

[ShakyWalton]

A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while the other was a perpetual pessimist.

One Christmas he decided try to temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts, he told them they'd each get something 'chosen especially for you'. His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with manure.

On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to his father with a sad face and said "How can I possibly use all these? The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other toys will be broken!" After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps.

There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to which the boy exclaimed "With this much manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

Edited December 22, 2016 by ShakyWalton

[JAY JAY]

2 hours ago, ShakyWalton said:

A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while the other was a perpetual pessimist.

One Christmas he decided try to temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts, he told them they'd each get something 'chosen especially for you'. His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with manure.

On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to his father with a sad face and said "How can I possibly use all these? The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other toys will be broken!" After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps.

There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to which the boy exclaimed "With this much manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!"

I loved that one!

[ShakyWalton]

With  Christmas nearly upon us, I would like to share my personal experience with others about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a 'social session' with family or friends.

Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than a few glasses of nice white wine, followed by a couple of bottles of rather good red, a Cointreau and a Bailey's.

Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something I've never done before... I took a taxi home. Sure enough, on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it on and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I'm not sure what to do with it.

So if anyone would like to borrow it, give me a call.

Merry Christmas and be safe out there.

[ShakyWalton]

If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind of party where your guests, the next day, call you up to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another great party next year.

What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one. 

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level: 

FESTIVITY LEVEL 1:
Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.

FESTIVITY LEVEL 2:
Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

FESTIVITY LEVEL 3:
Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down Christmas-tree ornaments, and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike them.

(You want to keep your party somewhere around Level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level 4.)

FESTIVITY LEVEL 4:
Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree, and have consumed all ten gallons of alcohol at the party. The piano is missing. The best way to get to Level Four is eggnog. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. If you use enough alcohol you won't have to worry about them getting salmonella poisoning - their alcohol toxicity level will eliminate that possibility. Then induce your guests to drink this potent mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door. If your party is very successful, the police will then lob tear gas through your living-room window.

[ShakyWalton]

Dumb Blonde ???
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blonde replies,”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?

[ShakyWalton]

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother "Mum am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are". His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear". A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents "Are all my relatives' real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears". Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because" said the young polar bear "I'm f%$%ing freezing!

[ShakyWalton]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding" Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me".

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

[Tearloch7]

1 hour ago, ShakyWalton said:

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding" Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it's made a big difference for me".

"That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

 

So tragically hilarious ...  

[JM_]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Surrey?

 

They couldn't find a virgin or 3 wise men. 

[JAY JAY]

Three Blondes

 

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven.  St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.  St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"  The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."  "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"  The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."  St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde.  He asks, "What is Easter?"  The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."  "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.  "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.  The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.