Cromeslab Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He lied awake all night wondering if there really was a dog Link to comment
Dral Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 How can you tell who loves you more, your wife or your dog? Lock them both in the trunk of a car for a couple hours, then when you open it up, see which one is happy to see you. Link to comment
BananaMash Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 How can you tell who loves you more, your wife or your dog? Lock them both in the trunk of a car for a couple hours, then when you open it up, see which one is happy to see you. This is also a good way to find out if your wife is cheating on you.] Wat Link to comment
Sugar baby watermelon Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 How does Moses make his tea?? Hebrews it Link to comment
Heretic Posted December 7, 2012 Share Posted December 7, 2012 Heretic, where do you find all these? They're golden! Most come from my dad! Link to comment
Heretic Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 Why did Bilbo cross the road? To see the chickens...one last time. Why did Merry cross the road? Because it was the big one...big one! Why did Saruman cross the road? To catch chickens for orc-breeding. Why did the chicken cross the road? To rescue Gandalf from the tower. Why did Gandalf cross the road? Because he was riding on the chicken. Why did the Black Rider cross the road? To reattach all the pillow-feathers to the chickens. Why did Elrond cross the road? To cast the chicken into the fire, and destroy it! Why did Galadriel cross the road? If the chicken strayed but a little, it would fail. Why did Gollum cross the road? To eat the chicken. Why did Pippin cross the road? To beat Gollum to eating the chicken. Why did Sam cross the road? To make Pippin cook the chicken first. Why did Frodo cross the road? The chicken was his guide and he was bound to it and it to him. Why did Boromir cross the road? Because Frodo was bound to the chicken. Why did Aragorn cross the road? The chicken's fate was no longer in his hands. Why did Faramir cross the road? He and the chicken finally understood one another. Why did Legolas cross the road? Because he could not linger. Not even for chicken. Why did Gimli cross the road? He didn't. He was tossed. 2 Link to comment
Scott Hartnell's Mane Posted December 19, 2012 Share Posted December 19, 2012 Two Republicans walk into a bar. You'd think one of them may have ducked. Link to comment
Gollumpus Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Three elephants fell off a cliff... http://instantrimshot.com/ regards, G. Link to comment
Mr.DirtyDangles Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 America has been having some serious problems with solving redneck crime lately. The DNA all matches and there is next to no dental records. Link to comment
Scott Hartnell's Mane Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 America has been having some serious problems with solving redneck crime lately. The DNA all matches and there is next to no dental records. Hear about the fire at the West Virginia state capitol? Nearly burned down the entire trailer park 1 Link to comment
Heretic Posted January 14, 2013 Share Posted January 14, 2013 As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before; I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage. In all seriousness, please don't drink and drive. 1 Link to comment
Bananas Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 (edited) What's red, green and spins around really fast? A frog in a blender. I've never heard anyone else tell that one :D Edited January 18, 2013 by Joe_Shmo Link to comment
Heretic Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept. He hears a voice say, "I can see You! Jesus can see you, too!" He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle! ... A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!" He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?" The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!" "Hah! So what?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar. "I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a Doberman!" 2 Link to comment
Scott Hartnell's Mane Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Organic Chemistry is Difficult, man...those who take it have Alkynes of trouble Link to comment
Scott Hartnell's Mane Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 My chemistry teacher threw Sodium Chloride at me....That's a salt. Link to comment
Heretic Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) A Stunning Senior Moment-------? A self-important college freshman walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one" the student said loud enough for the others to hear. "The Young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. We have nuclear energy, ships and cell phones, computers with speed of light......and many more." After a brief silence the senior responded as follows. "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young......so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little sh*t what are you doing for the next generation? The applause was amazing. Edited January 31, 2013 by Heretic 2 Link to comment
GodzillaDeuce Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 My friend said he was cold so I told him to stand in the corner corners are 90 degrees 2 Link to comment
Heretic Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket. What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....' HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Edited February 13, 2013 by Heretic 4 Link to comment
Alchemy Time Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....' HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Totally worth it. 1 Link to comment
Heretic Posted February 26, 2013 Share Posted February 26, 2013 A lesson in irony. The Food Bank Program, administered by Social Welfare Canada is actually proud of the fact that "It is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!" Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves. This ends today's lesson.. 4 Link to comment
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