Cheesy Joke Thread

[Heretic]

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........?

[Heretic]

Some supposedly true lawyer questions during court:

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Down by the River]

How many Habs fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and talk about how good the light used to be.

[Peaches]

How many Habs fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and talk about how good the light used to be.

Lol. Saw this one on FB.

I freaking love it.

[Twilight Sparkle]

How many Habs fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They just sit in the dark and talk about how good the light used to be.

low blow XD

Lol. Saw this one on FB.

I freaking love it.

your sig doesn't have 6 peaches, in a pyramid, spinning in an endless circle

[Scott Hartnell's Mane]

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work.

Edited May 11, 2013 by Scott Hartnell's Mane

[Heretic]

Those of you who have even a slight mechanic’s mind will love this.

You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story...

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube of toothpaste inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled all of his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem.

The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should.. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. At the end of the first month, he reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment and they verified the report as accurate.

Puzzled, the CEO travelled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed that just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bloody bell rang.”

[Heretic]

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing one morning

but after a short time I ran out of prawns.

Then I saw a redbelly black snake with a frog in his mouth.

Frogs are good barramundi bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth

so I grabbed him right behind the head,

took the frog,

and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the problem was how to release the snake

without getting bitten..

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels

and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, and

he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident

and carried on fishing

using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that bloody snake, with two more frogs.

[Wheels22]

What's scarier than a ghost?

2 ghosts!

[canucks#01fan]

A catholic bishop gets pulled over and the officer says "have you been drinking tonight sir? Youre all over the road" he replies with "but officer, im a bishop, im supposed to move diagonally"

[Guest r0cknr0lla]

Where do you find a legless dog?

Where you left it!

[Heretic]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women believe that giving birth must be way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

[Heretic]

A doctor at an insane asylum

decided to take his patients to a

baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached

his patients to respond to his

commands.

When the day of the game arrived,

everything seemed to be going

well. As the National Anthem

started.......t he doctor yelled, "Up

Nuts" And the patients complied

by standing up.

After the anthem ...he yelled,

"Down Nuts". And they all sat back

down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the

doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They

all brokeout into applause and

cheered.

When the umpire made a

particularly bad call against the

star of the home team, the Doctor

yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they

all started booing and cat calling.

Thinking things were going very

well. The doctor decided to go get

a beer and a hot dog, leaving his

assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a

riot in progress. Finding his

assistant, the doctor asked," What

in the world happened? "

The assistant replied, "Well,

everything was going just fine till

a vendor passed by and yelled

PEANUTS!"

[tocnhockey]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi, honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,

right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,

knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later

The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes

on and ran around screaming.

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser

and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window

and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water

last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

'Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number ...

[Heretic]

Man Logic:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 am I correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past

20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting

for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

[Heretic]

Patience Of A Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . Easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice,

"William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little sods name is Kevin."

[Heretic]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to £121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.

Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

[Cyril Sneer]

Celeb jokes.

What is black and sits ontop of the stairs?

Christopher Reeve after a house fire.

How many sugars does Christopher Reeve like in his coffee?

*blinks twice

What would princess Diana be doing right now if she was still alive?

Scratching the top of her coffin.

How do we know princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the dash.

How do you kill a fox?

Cut off one of its legs and make it run across Canada

[Heretic]

A story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test in France...

The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*Ed as a fart...

The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'

'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... A corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'

'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... And (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?

The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'

[burrkeshanlon]

So Tommy was child born with no arms, no legs and no body just a head.

Everyday his mother would place him on the window and he'd watch all the other children play games and run around in the playground. He wished and wished that he had arms and legs and could run with the other children.

One day his fairy god-mother appeared out of thin air, she said "Tommy I will grant you one wish and one wish only. What will it be."

Without a second thought Tommy said "I wish to have a body with arms and legs."

And like that the fairy godmother granted his wish.

Tommy jumped up in amazement and rushed down the hall out the front door on to the road and

BAM...he was hit but a truck and killed instantly.

The moral of the story "Quit while you're ahead".