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#91 SkeeterHansen

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 10:47 PM

Q: What did the psychiatrist say when a man walked in covered in only saran wrap?
A: I can clearly see your nuts!

Q: What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
A: Roberto

Q: Why did the elephant get kicked out of the pool?
A: They kept dropping their trunks!

Q: What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A: A small medium at large!


:bigblush: This is fun.
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/=S=/


#92 Virt 'n Kass

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 10:53 PM

A dog goes to a newspaper to print an advertisement. He wants to sell one of his bones. The man at the paper asks what the dog wants the ad to say. "Woof woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof." the dog replies. "So, nine woofs?", the man asks, "You know, we charge a flat fee for the first 10 words. You could add another woof for no extra cost." The dog says, "But that wouldn't make any sense."
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#93 Sugar baby watermelon

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 04:26 AM

Why is Piglet always so dirty??

He always plays with Pooh.
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#94 Sugar baby watermelon

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 04:27 AM

An Asian boy says to his Dad, "Dad I just got stung by a Bee!!"

His Dad says, "Why you no get stung by A!!"
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#95 Sugar baby watermelon

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 04:27 AM

Mexican Word of the day - Wheelchair

Example - Juan & I have only 1 slice of pizza, is ok, wheelchair!!
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#96 Guest_Gumballthechewy_*

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 07:30 AM

A dyslexic walks into a bra...

.........

Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.

"Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.

She said, "Rectum."

"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"

.........

Tom the Angry Driver

Tom was driving down the road and he sees a guy hitchhiking up ahead and he thinks to himself: "I'm gonna run this guy over!" but as he gets closer he sees that the hitchhiker is a priest and he says to himself: "god will have my ass on a spit if I run this guy over..." so he stopped and picked him up, a little while later he sees another hitchhiker and he says to himself: "ok, this guy is gonna get it!" but he looks in his rear view and sees the priest and says to himself: "I can't with him in here, I'll just scare him a bit." so he swerves close but as he goes by he hears a loud thud and so he asks the priest: "what the hell was that!?" the priest said you: "missed him so I opened my door."

.......

Sunday School

Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?" When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty! " shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Lucy didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Lucy a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted,

"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Edited by Gumballthechewy, 11 September 2012 - 08:16 AM.

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#97 debluvscanucks

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 07:58 AM

A blonde woman walked into a bar.

No, really. Suffered bruising and a concussion, but no changes in brain activity.
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2421657-1-1-1-1-1.jpg

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#98 Alchemy Time

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 08:06 AM

So did you hear about Bruce Willis? They found him dead, apparently he overdosed on Viagra.

In fact, you could say he... Died Hard.
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#99 Guest_Gumballthechewy_*

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 08:17 AM

So did you hear about Bruce Willis? They found him dead, apparently he overdosed on Viagra.

In fact, you could say he... Died Hard.


Ha ha! Priceless!
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#100 Guest_Gumballthechewy_*

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Posted 13 September 2012 - 11:55 AM

Psychiatric Hot line

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hot line. 
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. 
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. 
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. 
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. 
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. 
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press. 
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. 
No one will answer
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#101 canuckspride

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Posted 15 September 2012 - 03:14 PM

what seperates the fruits from the vegetables?

the burrard street bridge
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#102 Alchemy Time

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Posted 15 September 2012 - 03:45 PM

"This just in! A dangerous criminal escaped from the Saskatchewan Provincial jail this morning, But was apprehended a 1/2 hour later."

"Apparently, police found him excatly where they originally arrested him, hiding behind the tree."

Edited by ER15, 15 September 2012 - 03:47 PM.

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#103 Peaches

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Posted 15 September 2012 - 06:48 PM

Where did Wendy go?

I think the Bacon ate 'er
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Feminism will be outlawed. Mostly because it's a backwards idiotic viewpoint that doesn't serve any real progressive purpose.


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#104 playboi19

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Posted 15 September 2012 - 07:24 PM

Gangnam Style
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#105 nuckin_futz

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Posted 15 September 2012 - 08:05 PM

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


::D

Edited by nuckin_futz, 15 September 2012 - 08:05 PM.

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#106 Alchemy Time

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Posted 15 September 2012 - 10:18 PM

Why did Billy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.

Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

Knock knock,
Who's there?
Not Billy...
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#107 GodzillaDeuce

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Posted 15 September 2012 - 10:23 PM

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"


::D


donald rumsfeld, eh? I guess I know which president you mean, then
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well I'm sorry that gd is soo perfect


#108 Mainly Mattias

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Posted 17 September 2012 - 01:16 AM

life sucks. and then you die.

i don't do comedy.
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“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think you've lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.” ― Asha Tyson

#109 Sugar baby watermelon

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Posted 17 September 2012 - 04:21 AM

How do frogs die??

They Kermit suicide.
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#110 MikeyBoy44

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Posted 17 September 2012 - 09:40 AM

Guy asks his wife " hey you wanna grab me a beer before it starts?"
Wife cautiously replies "ok" and gives him a beer.
Few minutes after guy says " hey Hun wanna grab me one more before it starts?"
Wife replies hastily " Before WHAT starts?"
"And Now it starts!"
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#111 Bitter Melon

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Posted 17 September 2012 - 07:29 PM

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?

"Robin, get in the batmobile."
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BO KNOWS


#112 Alchemy Time

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Posted 17 September 2012 - 07:35 PM

Q: If you're on your jet ski and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse?

A: Blue ice cream, because turtles don't wear hats.
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#113 Mattias Ohlund.2

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Posted 17 September 2012 - 08:38 PM

What did the elk say when the moose fell off the cliff?

"Oh dear."
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Proud GM of Edmonton-CDCGML



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Credit to Intoewsables!


#114 Guest_Gumballthechewy_*

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Posted 18 September 2012 - 01:20 PM

Q: If you're on your jet ski and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to cover a doghouse?

A: Blue ice cream, because turtles don't wear hats.


My brain hurts....
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#115 Mr. White

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Posted 21 September 2012 - 03:34 PM

A horse walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says...









"I don't mind the long face but don't start anything"

Edited by Alexander Edler 23, 21 September 2012 - 03:34 PM.

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^VanCauck93^

#116 BananaMash

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Posted 21 September 2012 - 03:42 PM

What did the dairy product say when he was getting his picture taken?

Cheese!

I'll show myself out. Unless someone already told a similar joke, in that case, you may throw tomato's at me.
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wZEgqzy.png


#117 Guest_Gumballthechewy_*

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Posted 22 September 2012 - 08:22 AM

What did the dairy product say when he was getting his picture taken?

Cheese!

I'll show myself out. Unless someone already told a similar joke, in that case, you may throw tomato's at me.


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#118 Heretic

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Posted 22 September 2012 - 08:42 AM

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact
that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
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McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

 

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#119 c00kies

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Posted 22 September 2012 - 09:54 AM

What do you call a group of old female bears?

Many paws ;)
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Thanks to Blueberries for the sig :)

#120 Guest_Gumballthechewy_*

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Posted 22 September 2012 - 10:07 AM

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'


That's hilarious!
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