Cheesy Joke Thread

Heretic · September 25, 2012

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and there would be those,

Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;

Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,

We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,

Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,

What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English

Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

In which your house can burn up as it burns down,

In which you fill in a form by filling it out,

And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???

Tony Romo · September 28, 2012

Two penuts were walking down an alley when one got a salted.

Edited September 28, 2012 by Tony Romo

White Goodman · October 4, 2012

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Wheres my tractor?

(i also like anti jokes)

SpinDrive · October 5, 2012

Yo mamma's so fat, that there's a strong chance of her developing type 2 diabetes.

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Lettuce." "That's impossible."

Why didn't the Asian ask for a calculator? Because he was doing the dishes and a calculator seemed rather inappropriate.

What's black and white and red all over? A zebra that has been shot, because poaching is quite often in many African Savannas.

SkeeterHansen · October 5, 2012

So did you hear about Bruce Willis? They found him dead, apparently he overdosed on Viagra.

In fact, you could say he... Died Hard.

believe in blue forever · October 6, 2012

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew

Edited October 6, 2012 by believe in blue forever

Gollumpus · October 17, 2012

Does anyone know any jokes about Stats? Probably

Q.) Why do people become statisticians?

A.) Because they find accounting to be waaaaay too exciting.

regards,

G.

Gollumpus · October 17, 2012

A guy walks into a bar...

"Ouch!" he says.

One hundred and thirty-seven lemmings walk

into a bar.

"Ouch!"

regards,

G.

Heretic · October 17, 2012

SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario :

Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2010 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months. School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.

Scenario :

Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with. Passes exams, becomes a solicitor.

2010 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons. Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night,puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.

1957 - Wasps die.

2010- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.

Scenario :

Johnny falls over while running during morning break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing footie.No damage done.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Reminds us of how stupid we have become!

Tony Romo · October 17, 2012

Why don't tennis players get married?

Because love means nothing to them

October 18, 2012

SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2010

This joke is funny because its true.

Edited October 18, 2012 by Gumballthechewy

Gollumpus · October 19, 2012

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think we should spank him."

regards,

G.

Edited October 20, 2012 by Gollumpus

Heretic · October 23, 2012

The English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England,and attended by some of the best linguists in the world:

Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner...

His final challenge was this:

"Some say there is no difference between the meaning of the words "COMPLETE" and "FINISHED".

Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED

in a way that is easy to understand."

Here is his astute answer:

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE; but, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

Heretic · November 2, 2012

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and

after a while they got to know each other so

well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom,

the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her

white dress. The groom broom was handsome

and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was

lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the

bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,

'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Heretic · November 30, 2012

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,

'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast

November 30, 2012

^^^ That's hilarious!

avelanch reminded me of this joke in the Hottest Woman thread:

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Edited November 30, 2012 by Gumballthechewy

Alchemy Time · November 30, 2012

My parents decided to suprise me with a car for my birthday. They missed.

Tony Romo · December 4, 2012

What did george Washington say to his men before they got on their horses?

Men get on your horses

What did farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Where's my tractor

What's big black and looks like a bear?

A big black bear

Edited December 4, 2012 by Tony Romo

Heretic · December 6, 2012

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Making mine shortly!)

1 cup sugar,

1 tsp. Baking powder,

1 cup water,

1 tsp. Salt ,

1 cup brown sugar,

Lemon juice,

4 large eggs,

Nuts,

2 cups dried fruit,

1 bottle Vodka, or if preferred substitute Whisky, Brandy, Gin.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shift the lemon juice and powder your baking. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or shomething. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Vodka. Wipe the bench with the cat.

Merry Christmas

December 7, 2012

Heretic, where do you find all these? They're golden!

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