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#241 TheFleetwoodMack

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Posted 14 January 2015 - 11:10 AM

Why is a calendar sad? Because it's days are numbered
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#242 Heretic

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Posted 14 January 2015 - 03:34 PM

This is the honest truth!

 

TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

 

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint?

 

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

 

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

 

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-

Ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

 

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

 

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

 

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

 

Next time take me to a vet!


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McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

 

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#243 Ronalds.Kenins41

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Posted 19 January 2015 - 01:18 AM

 

 A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

 

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

 

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

 

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

 

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

 

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

 

Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

 

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

 

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

 

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

 

Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

 

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father,but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

 

Dear son,' said the father,I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

 

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

 

Dearest father,' the son started,I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

 

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

 

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

 

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

 

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

Father,' the son said,You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

 

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

 

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

 

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

 

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

 

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

 

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

 

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

 

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

 

`I-'

 

And then he died.

 

I hate this story, why did you post it here. I read all of that thinking I would A) discover why he needed the balls and B) was expecting a laugh out of the story. 


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                               Thanks to GoaltenderInterference for the awesome RK sig

                           


#244 jdatb

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Posted 19 January 2015 - 08:27 AM

I hate this story, why did you post it here. I read all of that thinking I would A) discover why he needed the balls and B) was expecting a laugh out of the story. 


Known as probably the harshest anti joke of all time
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#245 Amish Rake Fighter

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Posted 19 January 2015 - 11:59 AM

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says "Why the long face?"

 

Horse says, "I just found out I have AIDS."

 

 

 

 

that one's not for everyone


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#246 Heretic

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Posted 24 January 2015 - 05:46 PM

CATHOLIC CONVENT UPGRADE

 

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their
habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked.

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"


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McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

 

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#247 Honky Cat

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Posted 30 January 2015 - 04:27 AM

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied, “Beer, and women with big tits”.


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#248 Heretic

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Posted 10 February 2015 - 11:48 AM

How old is Grandma? (Read this to the end-- quite an eye opener.)

 

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end... It will blow you away.

 

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.

 

The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

 

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

 

' television

' penicillin

' polio shots

' frozen foods

' Xerox

' contact lenses

' Frisbees and

' the pill

 

There were no:

 

' credit cards

' laser beams or

' ball-point pens

 

Man had not yet invented:

 

' pantyhose

' air conditioners

' dishwashers

' clothes dryers

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

 

Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together.

 

Every family had a father and a mother.

 

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir."

 

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

 

Our lives were governed by good judgment, and common sense.

 

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

 

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

 

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

 

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

 

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

 

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

 

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

 

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

 

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

 

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

 

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

 

We had 5 & dime stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

 

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

 

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

 

You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

 

In my day:

 

' "grass" was mowed,

' "coke" was a cold drink,

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

' "chip" meant a piece of wood,

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and.

' "software" wasn't even a word.

 

We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

 

We volunteered to protect our precious country.

 

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a Generation gap.

 

How old do you think I am?

 

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

 

Are you ready?????

 

This woman would be only 62 years old.

 

She would have been born in late 1952.


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McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

 

cdc-unavailable.jpg


#249 c00kies

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Posted 10 February 2015 - 12:29 PM

McDonald's would have been heard of...it was founded in 1954ish and definitely would have been around when she was a kid (like 7 years old).

 

You can do a similar joke (or w/e you call it) with a 20 year old (born 1994) instead.

 

Still, it is pretty interesting.


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#250 Honky Cat

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Posted 10 February 2015 - 09:34 PM

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef....
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#251 Heretic

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Posted 11 February 2015 - 10:50 AM

Why shouldn't you eat clocks?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because it's time consuming.

 

 

 

And for those born in the last century:

 

10993093_10152530581440356_8805660539523


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McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

 

cdc-unavailable.jpg


#252 LaBamba

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Posted 15 February 2015 - 08:04 PM

What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?

1/2 a cat.
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#253 Horvat

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Posted 15 February 2015 - 08:12 PM

Q: what the difference between a goat and a lamb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A:

 

- Sheep or lambs are mammals which belong to the Bovidae family and the Ovis aries species while a goat is a mammal which also belongs to the Bovidae family but is of the Capra hircus species.

 

- Goats have 60 chromosomes while a lamb has 54.
 

- Both eat plants but goats eat the tops of plants rather than those near the ground like lambs do.
 

- Goats are intelligent and independent while lambs are very dependent on each other. They get lost when separated from the flock.
 

- Goats smell and tend to attract parasites such as lice and ringworms while lambs are less smelly and tend to become infected with stomach worms.
 

- Sheep milk has a higher fat content than goat milk.
 

- Goat meat is leaner, lower fat, and less cholesterol while lamb meat has a higher fat and cholesterol content.
 

- Goats have hair that does not need to be sheared regularly while sheep or lambs have fleece that is sheared at least once a year.
 

- Lambs have cropped tails and are typically hornless while goats have horns and tails that can point up.

 


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sweet sig pahlsson, thanks! :-)


#254 Gross-Misconduct

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Posted 16 February 2015 - 07:03 PM

What has wings but cant fly?


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#255 jdatb

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Posted 16 February 2015 - 07:15 PM

What has wings but cant fly?


Ur mahm?
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#256 Gross-Misconduct

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Posted 16 February 2015 - 10:59 PM

Ur mahm?

 

anigif_enhanced-26352-1405194661-20.gif


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#257 Dral

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Posted 23 February 2015 - 02:41 PM

Saw this on FB, laughed too much

 

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"

...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

....I love these touching stories !!!


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Dral is definitely both Mafia and drunk

 

#258 CanucksFan2323

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Posted 26 February 2015 - 11:26 PM

what's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy?








A $100 Bill
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#259 c00kies

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Posted 27 February 2015 - 11:24 PM

What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?

1/2 a cat.

 

Or a non-menopausal woman every month.


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#260 jdatb

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Posted 02 March 2015 - 10:25 PM

what's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women crazy?








A $100 Bill

 

*$1 Bill


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#261 ajhockey

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Posted 03 March 2015 - 12:48 AM

Why shouldn't you eat clocks?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because it's time consuming.

 

 

 

And for those born in the last century:

 

10993093_10152530581440356_8805660539523

 

Heck even people born in the early 00's should get this reference. I'd be saddened if they didn't.


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#262 Heretic

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Posted 04 March 2015 - 06:09 PM

Men Are Sensitive, Too!

 

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.  She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.  She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.  He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.  She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.  'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.' 

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating?  I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears.  ‘Yes, I do,' she replies.

The husband pauses.  The words were not coming easily.  'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued.  'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.' 


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McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

 

cdc-unavailable.jpg


#263 Heretic

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Posted 30 March 2015 - 07:44 AM

Ole and Lena on the Road
 
A road crew supervisor in Minnesota hired Ole to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji. The supervisor was skeptical about hiring him since Ole didn't have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and he told the supervisor that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so. 
 
He explained to Ole that his work for the day would be to complete 2 miles of center line on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started. At the end of the day the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Ole that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress. 
 
On the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Ole would pick up the pace again.
On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole completed painting only 1 mile of road. Ole was called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem. 
 
"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Ole?" 
 
"Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a smart man like you vould figger it out fer yourself. Every day I get farder and farder avay from da paint can.
 
Turns out Ole is your typical county employee.

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McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

 

cdc-unavailable.jpg


#264 Heretic

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Posted 02 April 2015 - 03:37 PM

 A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.  She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,
while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.  'You ok?' she asks.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde teacher.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, ‘Because I'm the goalie!’ 


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McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

 

cdc-unavailable.jpg


#265 Heretic

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Posted 19 April 2015 - 10:52 PM

Plastic Bags
 
Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.
 
The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
 
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
 
The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. She went on to explain:
 
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
 
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.
 
We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.
Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up the amps on 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
 
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a small handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
 
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
 
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $50,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the"green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint. But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Edited by Heretic, 19 April 2015 - 10:52 PM.

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McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

 

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#266 Heretic

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Posted 20 April 2015 - 11:07 AM

On  the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the  door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks

past.  For this I will give you a life span of twenty  years.

 

The  dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten  years and I'll give you back the other  ten?"

 

And  God said that it was good.

 

On  the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a

twenty-year life span."

 

The  monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long  time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the

dog  did?"

 

And  God again said that it was good.

 

On  the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the  field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,

have  calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

 

The  cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

 

And  God agreed it was good.

 

On  the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,  marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

 

But  the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my  twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave

back,  and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty,  okay?"

 

"Okay,"  said God, "You asked for it."

 

So  that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and  enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to

support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on  the

front porch and bark at everyone.

 

Life  has now been explained to you.

 

There  is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it  as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on

the  front porch.


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McCoy: We were speculating. Is God really out there?
Kirk: Maybe he's not out there, Bones. Maybe he's right here. [points to his heart]

 

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#267 HC20.0

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Posted 20 April 2015 - 11:32 AM

On  the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the  door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past.  For this I will give you a life span of twenty  years.
 
The  dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten  years and I'll give you back the other  ten?"
 
And  God said that it was good.
 
On  the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span."
 
The  monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long  time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the
dog  did?"
 
And  God again said that it was good.
 
On  the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the  field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have  calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
 
The  cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
 
And  God agreed it was good.
 
On  the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,  marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
 
But  the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my  twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave
back,  and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty,  okay?"
 
"Okay,"  said God, "You asked for it."
 
So  that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and  enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on  the
front porch and bark at everyone.
 
Life  has now been explained to you.
 
There  is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it  as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on
the  front porch.


You just blew my mind.
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#268 Dral

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Posted 20 April 2015 - 11:46 AM

 

You just blew my mind.

 

was it because God created the farmer before man ? ;)
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Dral is definitely both Mafia and drunk

 

#269 Heretic

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Posted 21 April 2015 - 11:23 PM

Pecans in the cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
               
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
               
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'  He just knew what it was.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
               
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
               
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
               
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...
               
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
                       

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now... let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....
               
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile, before the kid on the bike passed him


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