Newsflash Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharpshooter Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dajusta Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 After I wrote the book on the psychology of creationists. It's called, 'The Genesis Of The Batcrap Cuckoos: Going The Way Of The Dodos and other Dunderheads'.....available at fine book retailers everywhere. And insecurity can certainly be a feature or effect of immaturity, though I didn't assert anywhere that insecurity is wholly equal to immaturity...now did i? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newsflash Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkeeterHansen Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertuzzi Babe Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Boo hoo. Unless she was in an abusive relationship with a gorilla who told her not to have her jimmies rustled, she gets no sympathy for labeling me as sexist for posting the jimmies rustled picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matthew Lombardi 18 Posted September 2, 2012 Author Share Posted September 2, 2012 Wow, this thread keeps growing. I would like to thank everyone so far for participating. It has been enlightening and entertaining at the same time. I've read every single post, including a few more GodDeuce's posts... A lot of people have provided some really interesting takes on this situation and I don't disagree with all of them, at least not all at the same time. I am right now leaning on the idea of finding another girl, but I feel absolutely horrible because of it. I have managed to secure a picture of her and IMO, she's not bad looking. However, her lack of confidence in herself is a current problem, even if she is being completely honest with me. I feel right now that even though she trusts me I am unworthy of her trust because I am currently turned off by her low self-esteem. I can see the writing on the wall. No matter how much I try to make her happy, she'll never really be happy. I can't tell her how she should feel. She needs to feel that way and I, as a person, can only do so much. I can see it getting old. All I can do is be there for her, but I think waiting till November, as mentioned by others, is a bit too long just to "meet". A meet only takes like 5 mins but she's not comfortable with herself as she is. That bothers me, even though I say.. "take your time". That kind of mistrust is extremely hard to break. I'm not ready to settle down just yet. I'm looking for a serious relationship though. As many posters have pointed out, the longer it drags out, the harder it hits her. There's just no easy way of doing it. UGH. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr.DirtyDangles Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Her insisting on meeting a few months from now sets off warning signals for me personally. Some probable scenarios to think about: - She really is large and wants to loose some weight before you see her - She is playin' you to gain your trust and maybe some personal info for a scam , dont laugh has happened to me - She is seriously introverted and has problems being in public ? - She has been seriously hurt and is playing it super safe - She is the crazy future cat lady in your area o.O Either way it sounds like alot of trouble just to meet up. That being said it sounds like you have a connection and you just need say "Listen if you want what ever we have to grow then you need to test your boundaries and take a chance on us meeting. If not I dont think this can go much further." If she is not willing to meet you just have to move on. You dont have time to be an internet pal for the rest of your life mang ! As the overplayed saying goes there are plenty of fish in the sea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-DLC- Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 No but anyone reading your posts gets the immediate impression that you equate insecurity with immaturity and therefore the OP should run. People can be insecure and mature at the same time, and more importantly, a person can be secure AND immature altogether. It all depends if the sense of security is warranted. For example, a person who just got her place broken into would feel rather insecure for the justified reasons. As well as someone who got her heart cheated on and broken... situations that warrant insecurity. Doesn't mean immaturity at all. Furthermore, if someone who is secure for the wrong reasons, for example, having aced the midterm due to a lack of studying, and then going into the final confident of a good mark, isn't really mature either. The security isn't warranted. You for someone who passes quick judgment on the OP's story of the insecure girl is pretty arrogant isn't it? You have no knowledge of her background, no inkling of her emotional character, or even a glimpse of the events she has gone through. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. But "maturity" would have it that she would handle the situation differently and give some form of explanation that would warrant waiting. If she's taking the time to connect with someone, as seems to be the case, then along with that comes a bit of an obligation to be fair. If she has issues where she's been seriously impacted/hurt, then a sense of maturity would mean she'd wait before dipping her toe in the water again. If she isn't ready to catch the fish, don't cast the line out. I do like your message of patience and finding out all the details....but that ball's in her court. You can't play with people - bad experience in the past or not - and it's up to her to either wait (completely) until she's over whatever it is that's holding her back or be more honest about it. Anything less leans toward immaturity (and selfishness). It's obvious that immaturity comes into play, but that's not a bad thing as it only means there's likely room for growth here. The fact that it's been little over a week and she's already delving into some lengthy "I really care about you" discussions screams of immaturity. But there's also a real neediness coming through and indicates something more than just surface stuff. My point being that these two are obviously young and it's already a lot of work...this is a red flag. I speak from experience...in eventually marrying my "puppy love", there were signs of things to come that I ignored. But they're important ones and if you have the chance to step back and assess things, you can make the choice of whether it's worth committing the energy in making things work from the get to. They should just "work" and be a pleasant (not painful) experience, but it already isn't the case here. Something to consider for sure. I'm not saying abandon this because it's work...some things are worth fighting for and do turn out to be something special. But leveling with each other is really important from the start and she should really be more direct at this point about what really is holding her back. If it's her physical appearance, a few months likely won't fix the root of that problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-DLC- Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 And, in assuming that these are young people, this is far too deep. Go have fun in life should be the rule of the day....problems will carry you through adulthood so don't waste too much time trying to figure stuff out before then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharpshooter Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 No but anyone reading your posts gets the immediate impression that you equate insecurity with immaturity and therefore the OP should run. People can be insecure and mature at the same time, and more importantly, a person can be secure AND immature altogether. It all depends if the sense of security is warranted. For example, a person who just got her place broken into would feel rather insecure for the justified reasons. As well as someone who got her heart cheated on and broken... situations that warrant insecurity. Doesn't mean immaturity at all. Furthermore, if someone who is secure for the wrong reasons, for example, having aced the midterm due to a lack of studying, and then going into the final confident of a good mark, isn't really mature either. The security isn't warranted. You for someone who passes quick judgment on the OP's story of the insecure girl is pretty arrogant isn't it? You have no knowledge of her background, no inkling of her emotional character, or even a glimpse of the events she has gone through. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Heffy Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 I think we'll all be able to give better advice if you post the picture. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertuzzi Babe Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 So you agree that I didn't equate the two wholly, but you still want to argue that I equated the two?? Again, they are linked, especially in this case. Telling someone you don't want to give a picture and meet for months, but that you really care for them is an immature position to take when you've started getting to know someone. And that position is taken because of her self-confessed insecurity. There's a mature way to deal with this insecurity. A) Either do something about your appearance before you go fishing for a boyfriend/relationship/spouse/etc or B ) Give a picture, recognize that you don't look your best in the pic and let the other person know you're in the process of a little 'self-improvement'. That's what a mature person would do. Telling someone that they 'really care about them' after getting to know them over the phone for a week or two, and then stating that you won't meet or send a pic for months, is completely an immature way of handling the situation.....and like Deb said, an act of selfishness. How selfish of her to make him put his life on hold till November or whenever, in order for her to send a simple picture or meet up because she needs the time for herself. See, this is where critical thinking skills are necessary. If someone starts off a 'relationship' with you, though it's laughable to call phone-dating a 'relationship', and starts making excuses about not wanting to meet you or send you a picture, then that's an instant warning sign. If alarm bells aren't going off in your head, then you're a dupe and a sucker and you deserve to be played. But again, I never said that insecurity was wholly connected to immaturity. If we take your two examples and parallel them to the situation at hand, then the equivalence would be if the girl in your first example, after getting burglarized, didn't buy a house alarm or protect her house from future break-ins but upon meeting a person she'd like to bring back to her place says that she can't let anyone into apartment for the next few months because she's not comfortable with the security of her apartment. A mature person, would have gotten new locks, an alarm, a new door, and taken other measures to protect her place from future break-ins, and not gone on with life with the decision to not allow anyone, let alone someone she 'really cares about' back to her place. That's mental and a completely immature response to a situation that warrants a mature one, as a more mature one is available. The same goes with the cheated on girl, and the student. You don't not get into future relationships or show up to take tests because you were cheated on and feel insecure or felt insecure about taking a test, which would have been somewhat equivalent to this current situation. That's not a mature response to insecurity, that's an immature one, because the mature one would be to be cautious of similar signs of cheating in future relationships, and preparing for future tests more adequately. Being ill-prepared for a test and feeling insecure about it, doesn't give you the right to post-pone taking the test, and not taking care of yourself doesn't give this girl the right to delay in reciprocating a picture or agreeing to meet in a timely manner. That's selfish and childish and therefore very immature. And that's not arrogance, that's called wisdom, which comes from experience, and it's one that many people learn as they navigate the dating world. Those who don't recognize those tell-tale signs are ignorant, and should they not take heed of the warnings or the signs, then they deserve to get played and have their time wasted. Like my high-school vice-principal always said to me, "Don't say you haven't been warned". That goes double to the OP. And I know enough of her character by how she handled this situation with the OP. I realize that you're a proponent of believing fairy tales, but this is real life, and in real life you learn to read the signals(eventually) before over-spending more emotional capital than is warranted. That's what your teen years are for, not your adulthood. One thing i've learned is that you can't change someone that you get into a relationship with....what you get is what you're going to get, for the most part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newsflash Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 If the shoe fits...... And the intent of your posted picture was clear as a bell, thanks, deliberately/overtly intended or not......evidenced by the fact that others got the exact same interpretation. So please, spare us the BS outrage at being outed.... by your own post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertuzzi Babe Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Others? As in nobody? Or do you count your BFF Sharpshooter jumping into defend you as getting the exact same interpretation? Because I've seen SS post before, and if he really thought I was being sexist, he would have been on me like white on rice. You haven't outed me at all. All I did was tell you to relax because I disagreed with your posts and you sounded very angry. It wasn't because you have ovaries. I think it is sexist that men can't tell a woman to shut up, if they disagree with their opinion, (you knowing more about women because you are a woman) without being labelled sexist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharpshooter Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 What if this girl has been treated very badly by getting royally burned previously through a getting-to-meet/know-you online? A picture was perhaps sent to a previous person she thought she trusted........it was photoshopped.....altered..........shared with god knows who.........the fallout was horrendous....... So she's getting her feet wet again....cautiously..........very cautiously? Is she to be punished for that? Lord knows. if she had disclosed all that may have happened previously, you'd all be accusing her of being high maintenance and a basket case and to run for the hills. How is that fair? All I'm saying is that there may be a host of reasons why this girl hadn't sent a picture after a mere 9 frickin' days and yet people are rushing to judgement and psychoanalyzing her motives to be controlling and underhanded. It's all conjecture.....just tried to provide a little insight is all. ********************************** Generally speaking...... It is the guy on the other end's decision as to whether he wants to wait around but I think a number of you are (possibly) painting this girl with ulterior motives and control issues that may not be the truth at all. I understand that it's much easier to do that..........I mean God forbid that upon seeing your picture some woman didn't jump into her car and immediately drive to your house and fall on her knees on your front steps to fellate you as soon as you opened the door ....... Yeah, sounds pretty damned stupid, doesn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharpshooter Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Others? As in nobody? Or do you count your BFF Sharpshooter jumping into defend you as getting the exact same interpretation? Because I've seen SS post before, and if he really thought I was being sexist, he would have been on me like white on rice. You haven't outed me at all. All I did was tell you to relax because I disagreed with your posts and you sounded very angry. It wasn't because you have ovaries. I think it is sexist that men can't tell a woman to shut up, if they disagree with their opinion, (you knowing more about women because you are a woman) without being labelled sexist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai604 Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Let me just preface this by saying I've never tried the online dating thing (nor do I intend on doing so). Most guys have met and/or dated a girl like this. From personal experience, I can tell you that walking down this path is a surefire way to a lot of pain. It's honest, and it sucks, but sometimes people just have to figure crap out on their own before they can let others in. That's the truth. This girl doesn't sound like she's ready to have a man in her life. She needs to work on loving herself first. You can't love someone else when you can't even love yourself. You can be there for her, and maybe eventually you will even meet her, but what then? If you do meet, there are 3 scenarios that can occur: 1) You meet and she is nothing like what you imagined and you damage her self esteem even more. (Most likely scenario) 2) You meet and you end up dating, but her emotional and psychological issues prevent her from ever truly trusting you or letting you in, and you fight and fight to make things work and at the end, both of you suffer an incredible amount of emotional duress. (Highly likely) 3) You meet and everything is great and everything works out. (Highly unlikely) Like others have said, I wouldn't do it simply from past experience. Those emotional issues she has are deep-rooted and will take years of self-discovery to work out. You may think you can be the gentle, caring hand to help her find herself and trust, but the reality is that most of the time, that's not what happens. People like her tend to leave a train-wreck of broken relationships in their wake. They may eventually find happiness and trust someone, but do you want to be one of the wreckages along the way? In addition, attraction has to be more than just mental/emotional. You have to be physically attracted too. Don't, for a second, think you're above it and are immune to it. We're all human. For a relationship to really work, you have to be attracted in every way. Physically, mentally, perhaps spiritually (if you're into that), and have similar interests and goals. If you're missing one of the those aspects in your relationship, it won't work. TL;DR, basically, if you like, you can keep her as a friend or continue talking to her, but for your own sake, I would continue talking to other people and play the field. Perhaps in time she'll figure things out and then maybe you can try, but I would avoid starting a relationship with her right now. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bertuzzi Babe Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Let me just preface this by saying I've never tried the online dating thing (nor do I intend on doing so). Most guys have met and/or dated a girl like this. From personal experience, I can tell you that walking down this path is a surefire way to a lot of pain. It's honest, and it sucks, but sometimes people just have to figure crap out on their own before they can let others in. That's the truth. This girl doesn't sound like she's ready to have a man in her life. She needs to work on loving herself first. You can't love someone else when you can't even love yourself. You can be there for her, and maybe eventually you will even meet her, but what then? If you do meet, there are 3 scenarios that can occur: 1) You meet and she is nothing like what you imagined and you damage her self esteem even more. (Most likely scenario) 2) You meet and you end up dating, but her emotional and psychological issues prevent her from ever truly trusting you or letting you in, and you fight and fight to make things work and at the end, both of you suffer an incredible amount of emotional duress. (Highly likely) 3) You meet and everything is great and everything works out. (Highly unlikely) Like others have said, I wouldn't do it simply from past experience. Those emotional issues she has are deep-rooted and will take years of self-discovery to work out. You may think you can be the gentle, caring hand to help her find herself and trust, but the reality is that most of the time, that's not what happens. People like her tend to leave a train-wreck of broken relationships in their wake. They may eventually find happiness and trust someone, but do you want to be one of the wreckages along the way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newsflash Posted September 2, 2012 Share Posted September 2, 2012 Well, actually it was agreement from others via PMs but knock yourself out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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