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A friend came out of the closet


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#1 Mainly Mattias

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 02:46 PM

After a couple of years of depression, disastrous online dating, therapy and meds, a friend broke the news that he discovered that he was gay.

I thought he was joking and thankfully didn't laugh but god knows what kind of look was on my face when I realized he was trying to tell me the truth.

How the hell do you get to be middle aged and not know which team you play for?!

Then I thought, am I gay? I'm not having luck on the dating front and I dabble with depressive tendencies. I imagined myself frenching another and then went :sadno:

..not that there's anything wrong with that.

It's a whole different world though once you have gay friends who really trust you to talk freely. :blink:
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#2 :D

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 03:03 PM

Is he actually gay or does he think that shaking things up like this might fix the other things that are going wrong for him?
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#3 Peace Bond

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 03:05 PM

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After a couple of years of depression, disastrous online dating, therapy and meds, a friend broke the news that he discovered that he was gay.

I thought he was joking and thankfully didn't laugh but god knows what kind of look was on my face when I realized he was trying to tell me the truth.

How the hell do you get to be middle aged and not know which team you play for?!

Then I thought, am I gay? I'm not having luck on the dating front and I dabble with depressive tendencies. I imagined myself frenching another and then went :sadno:

..not that there's anything wrong with that.

It's a whole different world though once you have gay friends who really trust you to talk freely. :blink:


It probably wasn't until now that he felt comfortable telling anyone. You should feel good that he confided in you.
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#4 GodzillaDeuce

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 03:07 PM

how old exactly is your friend?
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well I'm sorry that gd is soo perfect


#5 Tystick

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 03:16 PM

Just be there for him and tell him it's OK.
He spoke to YOU about something very vulnerable to him, and the thought of telling anyone about his sexuality was most likely extremely hard to conquer, so don't start doing something stupid like make fun of him or tell your other buddies without his consent.
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#6 debluvscanucks

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 03:22 PM

I think he likely knew he was gay, but may have tried to conform to society and fight it vs accept it. There may be stigmas within his family/circle that he's picked up on that's prevented him from just going forward.

A true friend will appreciate that someone has trusted in them to confide about something very personal and, likely, difficult. Sure, it can catch you off guard but shouldn't change anything, except that he can now likely relax and be himself.
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#7 Mainly Mattias

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 03:24 PM

Is he actually gay or does he think that shaking things up like this might fix the other things that are going wrong for him?

That's what I thought too. I thought he might have been 'trying it out' as he found acceptance and welcoming in a relationship but the relationship has recently ended and he hasn't wavered.

how old exactly is your friend?

mid thirties..
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“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think you've lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.” ― Asha Tyson

#8 Mainly Mattias

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 03:31 PM

I appreciate the posts all. Regardless of how much I'm all for going with the flow, things are different now. How can I provide opinion on these guys that message him? "Is he cute?" "Uhh.. yeah.."
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“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think you've lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.” ― Asha Tyson

#9 Scottish⑦Canuck

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 03:37 PM

I appreciate the posts all. Regardless of how much I'm all for going with the flow, things are different now. How can I provide opinion on these guys that message him? "Is he cute?" "Uhh.. yeah.."


Just tell him that you can't really give an answer because you yourself aren't attracted to other men. Why is he bothering to ask you that if you're not gay?
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#10 flapjacks

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 03:42 PM

Coincidentally a friend told me recently as well. He's been pretty open towards friends, but this was the first I've really known. Doesn't really change anything though. And if it bothers you that he's becoming more open about some stuff, just let him know. I'm sure he'll understand.

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#11 Sharpshooter

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 03:54 PM

Some people seem to come to grips with their sexual orientation sooner, some later. Only advice i'd suggest MM is that you treat like a friend and be there for him as you've always been. Nothing really changes between you two, right?

And, i suppose 'better late than never' may apply to his realization and acceptance of his own nature. Ignorance is not bliss, though I suspect he may have known earlier and may have struggled with it and perhaps even repressed it.

Anyways, good for him, and good for you for sticking with him in a time when he's going to need as many friends and as much support as possible.
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#12 theminister

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 03:59 PM

I'm happy for your friend.


Things should start looking up for him now.
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#13 Mainly Mattias

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 04:52 PM

I was quite worried for awhile but, yes, he is doing much better after his announcement. More like his old irreverent bordering rude self.

And to rebob and SC, making people uncomfortable and putting them on the spot is part of my friend's humour. Part of how I got my thicker skin and blunt tongue IRL. When he wasn't doing that, was when I knew he wasn't feeling well. Normally I give back as good as I got but now I don't know what's too far.

Being supportive means listening and learning all the lingo but it's all new and uncharted territory for me. Fascinating but a mite uncomfortable.. baths, bears.. oh my!

I remember when he used to make fun of gay guys in high school..
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“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think you've lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.” ― Asha Tyson

#14 Scottish⑦Canuck

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 04:57 PM

I was quite worried for awhile but, yes, he is doing much better after his announcement. More like his old irreverent bordering rude self.

And to rebob and SC, making people uncomfortable and putting them on the spot is part of my friend's humour. Part of how I got my thicker skin and blunt tongue IRL. When he wasn't doing that, was when I knew he wasn't feeling well. Normally I give back as good as I got but now I don't know what's too far.

Being supportive means listening and learning all the lingo but it's all new and uncharted territory for me. Fascinating but a mite uncomfortable.. baths, bears.. oh my!

I remember when he used to make fun of gay guys in high school..


Just relax and be yourself. It's the same guy that you've been friends with for years, so treat him like that guy. He's not going to suddenly change now that he's come out. If you think you might be going too far, then don't say it. If you do, he'll probably let you know and that'll be that.

One of my best friends growing up came out a few years ago. I was shocked at first, but there's been no real difference in the friendship or the way I view him.

Edited by Scottish⑦Canuck, 30 September 2012 - 05:03 PM.

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#15 starfish6000

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 05:25 PM

I didn't come out until I was 28. I knew I was gay since I was a teenager, but it took me a while to come to terms with it.

I never did have a lot of friends, but I had a few very good friends. Telling them was the scariest thing I have ever done.

I agree with the above sentiment. Just be yourself. If the two of you usually trade barbs, continue to do so. My friends and I do that, and it made me happy they continued to keep treating me the same way.

As for him asking your opinion on guys, I still give my straight friends opinions on women. I have a saying, I'm gay not blind. I can tell you if a women is good looking or not. You can do the same thing with guys, yeah you may not want to hit that, but you can tell him is crazy for wanting to. ::D
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#16 Mainly Mattias

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 06:03 PM

Thank you for sharing, everyone.

sf6000, =). That helps.
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“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think you've lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.” ― Asha Tyson

#17 Jai604

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 08:58 PM

Yeah, I don't have much else to add that others haven't said, but the truth is the best thing you can do is just be the same friend you've always been.

Some things are really difficult for people to come to grips with because while they are "out there" socially, it's a whole other story admitting to them to people you know. There's still stigma attached to things like homosexuality, or mental illness, and it takes a lot of courage to talk to someone about it.

If you're one of the first people he told, you should be honoured that he thinks that highly of you, and you are that important to him as a friend.
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#18 Lancaster

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Posted 30 September 2012 - 09:03 PM

Here's one way of looking at things.... he will be an amazing wingman, lol.
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