New iPhone series released

[ABNuck]

Before we get started I want to point out that this thread is parody...please iPhone users...don't take out a hit on me or anything (I swear iPhone users defend their phones like Oiler fans defend their team). So without much further ado, I present the newest and latest offerings from Apple:

 

FOR PRO ATHLETES EVERYWHERE:

We are very pleased to announce the all new iPeed.

Ever notice how you just can't find a clean sample from any of your team-mates anymore? Well now this new phone has a built in Tinder-type app that will let you search out the 5 closest persons to you who are currently providing a clean sample!

Comes with a MLB cover. Other major sports available. Sorry, no MLS. No need for it.

 

FOR SAFE CRACKERS AND CAR THIEVES:

The all new iPried.

Comes in a diamond encrusted case...for cutting glass...and to be seen tweeting at LA Kings games.

(Note: not to be confused with the new iPride which is distinctly for the "alternative lifestyle" folk...comes with a rainbow case...and a slightly different version of Tinder).

 

FOR GANGSTAS (AND POLICE) EVERYWHERE:

The new iPopped is now available in .357 and .44 Magnum versions. Now you can "pop a cap in homey's ass", take the proof-pic and forward it to your kingpin/precinct Captain all with the press of one button.

 

AND FOR ALL OF THE ABOVE'S LAWYERS:

The newest iPlead (or for Asian lawyers, the iPread).

Available with a briefcase cover complete with handle on the side.

Already preloaded with the most useful apps "BMW Finder" and "Testimony Scrubber".

 

FOR FARMERS (you know, the folks who grow stuff, not the insurance reps...unless of course they grow stuff...not THAT stuff...see the I-pot for THAT stuff):

The iPlod (or its throw-away version the iPlowed)

Available in John Deere green and yellow.

Comes with the new UBERBARN app. Whenever you need a barn raised, just use UBERBARN.

 

FOR THOSE HARDWORKING CARPENTERS OUT THERE:

The all-new Swiss designed iPlane comes complete with every tool you'll ever need at the jobsite! It even has a built-in iPhone charger!

 

AND FOR THE ARCHITECTS THAT DESIGN THE HOUSES FOR THE CARPENTERS:

The iPlan is just the phone. It's easily the largest phone we offer...WAY over-sized in fact. And the most expensive, WAY more than anyone would ever need. Downgrades are available but they are charged out as an extra.

 

FOR TEEN GIRLS:

Get ready girlfriends for the all new iPose...OMG, like, I know, right?!

It automatically adds "duck lips" to every selfie. No more straining your lip muscles...the App does it for you! Never again will you hear your mother's discouraging "your face is gonna stay like that if you don't stop"!

 

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS A SEPTIC TANK:

The newest iPood.

It comes with 2 components in the box...the phone and a floating signal that automatically alerts your preferred "honey wagon" or "stool bus" if you wish.

 

FOR OUR BOOZE HOUND BUDDIES EVERYWHERE:

The iProp. (note: this is NOT the Asian version of the iPlop).

Simply extend the titanium legs of the I-prop case, lean against it, and you're up for an all-nighter!

 

FOR PATIENTS SUFFERING FROM NARCOLEPSY:

The new iProne is a perfect gift.

It has a built-in 95db alarm that goes off every 15 seconds! At least you won't have to worry about turning down dinner invites from those annoying neighbours anymore! Or from anyone...for anything...ever again.

 

FOR THOSE DOWN ON THEIR LUCK:

The new iPawn is just the "ticket".

50% refundable. Each time you bring it back.

 

LET'S NOT FORGET OUR CHUBBY DRINKING BUDDY THE "EX-ATHLETE"

Especially for our middle-aged, overweight, balding ex-highschool athletes...the iPlayed. (not to be confused by our Asian friends for the new iPrayed phone for ministers...that phone comes with the Tinder Jr. App)

The iPlayed has a 500gb hard drive to store all the stories about the "big game", so all you have to do is sit down at the bar, hit play, and keep drinking!

 

AND FINALLY THE I-phone THAT TERRORISTS THE WORLD OVER HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR:

The iPlot (only available as a "burner")

It comes pre-installed with secret tracking software that cannot be disabled. So that Apple can turn the GPS data over to the FBI. But you didn't hear that from us.

[Outsiders]

Cool?

[Green Building]

iDroid

Samsung baby

[Fateless]

Feel like I heard these jokes five years ago.

[GLASSJAW]

was excited for a new iphone. lame.

[Lillooet_Hillbilly]

I still use my samsung rugby phone I bought years ago.  I smashed my leg on the edge of a steel table and it hit my phone so hard it put a big bruise the same shape. I've dropped it from 20 feet, ran it over with a truck full of firewood and a whole bunch of other stuff. 

When people ask why I don't have a smart phone that's the reason I'll never buy one

[Toni Zamboni]

 

[SaintPatrick33]

"smartphones", an oxymoron for the 21st century. Take selfies, engage in the butchering of the english language, and become addicted to idiotic "apps" like instagram, snapchat, in addition to distracted driving. 

 

Another example of the corruption of modern technology to promote selfishness and ego, and most of all stupidity. 

[elvis15]

Those are... terrible, just terrible.

[GLASSJAW]

23 minutes ago, SaintPatrick33 said:

"smartphones", an oxymoron for the 21st century. Take selfies, engage in the butchering of the english language, and become addicted to idiotic "apps" like instagram, snapchat, in addition to distracted driving. 

 

Another example of the corruption of modern technology to promote selfishness and ego, and most of all stupidity. 

lol

[Flume]

42 minutes ago, SaintPatrick33 said:

"smartphones", an oxymoron for the 21st century. Take selfies, engage in the butchering of the english language, and become addicted to idiotic "apps" like instagram, snapchat, in addition to distracted driving. 

 

Another example of the corruption of modern technology to promote selfishness and ego, and most of all stupidity. 

 

How did your retirement home get Internet access? 

[canuckspride]

2 hours ago, Lillooet_Hillbilly said:

I still use my samsung rugby phone I bought years ago.  I smashed my leg on the edge of a steel table and it hit my phone so hard it put a big bruise the same shape. I've dropped it from 20 feet, ran it over with a truck full of firewood and a whole bunch of other stuff. 

When people ask why I don't have a smart phone that's the reason I'll never buy one

I had that phone for a couple years and it is bomb proof. Still use it for traveling but now the plastic coverings on the ports have fallen off. I used to bang it on stuff just to show people it's toughness lol.

[Spotted Zebra]

I hope you copied and pasted that

[Tre Mac]

See all the pompous douchebag iphone users you offended?  For that alone you get a plus.

 

 

 

[ABNuck]

17 hours ago, Spotted Zebra said:

I hope you copied and pasted that

Sadly no. Had a weird day, a very weird day. 

 

 

[MikeyBoy44]

iChuckling

[Mathew Barzal]

You could make money posting these on Facebook.