aeromotacanucks Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 this is a funny text I made to a friend about the city where I came from. Manaus. located in the middle of the jungle... he laughted so much that he suggested me to publish somewhere... well. here we go --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MANAUS 1ST of all please ignore all the concepts you have about a normal and organized city because Manaus isn´t that type of city and here´s why… The place where the city of Manaus is located today was home of 2 tribes, the “Manaos” and the “Manauaras” meaning that even before being a city Manaus already had a weird name. then the Portuguese explorers came exploring the Amazon River, saw the place, saw the indians and slaved all of them and them the mess begun… Since Portuguese loved indian and weird names they kept the “Mana” and added the “us” forming “Manaus” and the caos on earth started since that day… Just like any city located in the jungle Manaus is basically composed by a bunch of people who drive without obeying any laws of traffic or common sense because for them drive carefully is a “gay thing to do” so they simply behave like real men and drive like there´s no tomorrow and considering the way they drive in Manaus I honestly think that there´s actually no tomorrow indeed… Drive in Manaus is the unique feeling of a Russian roullete with all the bullets in because in Manaus it´s 500% sure that you will get in trouble mainly because in Manaus nobody ever heared the word “brake” on their lives and “driving carefully” is a distant thing from another planet in a far away galaxy. In Manaus you basically press the “&^@# it” button and drive like a drug drunk maniac with a gun on your head. Anything less than 80km/h will put you in trouble especially because that bus behind you is coming at 150km/h so watch out! Also a good Manaurara (people from Manaus) use the horn for every single reason. Are you happy? Horn. Are you sad? Horn. Do you want solve a problem? Horn. Are you bored? Horn. You have a new girlfriend? Horn. This result in the amazing “Horn Orchestra” where you see 2 million of people in Manaus using the horn at the same time at different speeds creating a unique music that looks like a bunch of cars farting at once at the same time. It´s unique, the smell of gasoline and Etanol mixed with a noise that will make you wish be dead… Like extreme sports? Adventure? Manaus is also for you! Ride a bus in Manaus is the closest thing you can get from God without die because the “drivers” of these buses basically don´t give a damm about your life, they drive their big machines like a Formula-1 car but forget that the bus weights 40 tons so each turn at 100km/h make you poor bastard/passenger feel a G force very similar to a fighter jet. A 30min ride in a bus in Manaus and you can be certified by NASA to ride a rocket to Mars… The most impressive thing about Manaus is that rains a lot and the reason is when you have the biggest river on the planet right there you will have a lot of rain. So rains a lot in Manaus, rain so much that the floods are equaly huge and frequent and so Manaus is like Venice but with a deadly heat from the jungle 50 meters away. It´s amazing how everything in Manaus is perfectly designed to kill humans very easily and that just show that we have to preserve the nature because humans aren´t prepared for that caos… Manaus is terribly hot and humid. The “winter” in Manaus is basically a 42C at 6AM and goes around all day long when “cool” to 35C at 10PM/22:00 until 6AM when again you have 42C. During the summer it´s amazing. Amazing how fast you can get killed due to the extreme heat of 50C at 13:00/1PM and stays there until 22:00/10PM when it “cools” to 42C until 5AM when you have again 50C. The humidity is always around 95 to 100% because it´s the jungle so you sweat like a Buffalo all the time and feel your body asking for mercy because you´re burning from inside. You take a shower and 5min later you have a massive dehydration meaning that you are always drinking liquids and you have to take 6 to 7 showers a day if you want survive inside this hell… Basically imagine yourself inside the earth´s core. It´s basically the weather of Manaus… Walk in Manaus if for tought people. Not only because you will die due to the extreme heat but also because an insect in Manaus is as big as a book, a single mosquito in Manaus can pass you diseases that even future civilizations will have trouble to discover… Also because the “drivers” in Manaus don´t give a dam about your life, a pedestrian to them is like “meh. Kill one there´s a lot more to be killed” so if you´re crazy enough to walk in Manaus make peace with your good because you will need for sure… The center/downtown of Manaus is the ultimate proof that the Armageddon is real because the city wasn´t properly planned when built so everything in Manaus is done by the conventional “let´s build where there´s space” wisdom creating a big maze inside the area. If you like challenges go the the central area of Manaus. It´s a ton of fun be lost there and I assure you that it will happen… The people from Manaus (myself included) are unique. We speak so fast that only we can understand each other. It´s amazing, you need a decoder to understand what the hell we´re talking and you need to pay attention on every word we speak or you will get confused… Don´t forget the food! Just like any city in the jungle everything in Manaus can be eated. From frogs to Turtles and even bugs. Manauaras probably have the stomach made of titanium because no matter what we eat we don´t feel sick. We love that purple thing called Açaí that contains 30.000 calories in a 500ml cup and we drink it like water because Açai contains a lot of energy… Fine BUT if you´re not prepared Açaí basically means you will have the worst diarrhea of your life, it will be so strong that you will beg for death. It always happens with people without preparation… But don´t worry aside all these deadly things trying to kill you all the time you can actually have a lot of fun there seeing the jungle, the river and the nature… By saying “nature” it´s basically everything in and around Manaus. What people from Manaus call “garden” the rest of the world call it “jungle”. Amazing how Manauaras think it´s normal have a 6 meters long turtle or crocodile as pets and monkeys living inside apartments like dogs, they consider super normal have a hawk inside their homes because it´s the jungle but Manaus is a industrial city located in the middle of the jungle and this makes you feel how wrong the human-nature interaction is by allowing the men create this inferno in the middle of another inferno called “Amazonic rainforest”… It´s amazing. If you can survive 1 week in Manaus without going totally crazy or die you can work for the FBI or become a warrior because Manaus will test EVERY SINGLE SENSE FROM YOUR BODY AND SOUL. It´s a city for the family. Because as a family all of you can team up to survive on that caos on earth. Sure you will see a lot of nature, eat a lot of things that you never imagined you could eat and burn every single part from your body at 1PM with 52C outside… So this is why the family is important in Manaus because it´s always good to know who will save your life when you have a 4th degree skin burn… Now that you´re totally scared I will just tell you this… It´s PRECISELY real. Manaus is awesome. If you like see new things and feel the jungle and caos that´s your place. But be prepared because Manaus is so confusing that you will need special training before you go there… But heck is my city. I Love that inferno… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nucklehead Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 All I got out of that was this Quote You have a new girlfriend? Horn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hairy Kneel Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 I thought it was the Phillipines for a second. but it sounds hot and humid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RUPERTKBD Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 I saw a special on LN Network about the insects of the Manaus area. There were a lot of them.... The spiders and scorpions hiding in the jungle produce were especially terrifying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buddhahoodlum Posted August 21, 2016 Share Posted August 21, 2016 Sounds nice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aeromotacanucks Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 3 hours ago, RUPERTKBD said: I saw a special on LN Network about the insects of the Manaus area. There were a lot of them.... The spiders and scorpions hiding in the jungle produce were especially terrifying. actually altought Manaus has 2.5 million of habitants living there and being a big industrial city it´s still the jungle around the city and it´s very, very normal find crocodiles invading houses. the bugs are huge and you really have to take care of it and they like human blood and human skin. it´s kinda hard precise how but Manaus is actually a very agressive city in terms of enviroment... all the time I see Canadians they´re melting due to the killing heat because they want carry huge bags when YOU SHOULDN´T. Manaus is a big city so if you need something go to a store and buy what you need. carry a big bag is waste of energy and will kill you faster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aeromotacanucks Posted August 21, 2016 Author Share Posted August 21, 2016 presenting the opposite of Manaus... Curitiba... THE LIVING WAY IN CURITIBA Specialy designed to be the most “son of a bitch” in terms of city. Where all the concept of “common sense” goes to the space. Actually the city is organized and the people are pretty much very polite considering that the population in Curitiba are composed by 90% of Polish, Italian, Russians, Germanies and Japaneses while the other 10% are composd by Brazilians who love suffer in the cold… The cold in Curitiba is the real version of “when the hell freeze” and not only because Curitiba is the coldest largest city in Brazil and got a very nice nickname of “Refrigerator town” but also because the weather here can change from a sunny 30C in the morning to a blasting 5C 3 hours later and end the day with a very dense fog and raining. It´s basically the punishment of God in form of weather… Wanna leave your house? Better get with you an umbrella, boots, jackets, sunblock and a sandal. You will need all this in one day OR not since the weather CAN or CANNOT change during the day meaning tht you´re always carrying an extra 5kg of clothes when you leave your home since you never know how the hell the weather here will be 30min later… Also be prepared for the most selfish type of people on earth… People from Curitiba think they´re always right and never wrong. It´s always YOUR fault not theirs. If they hit your house with a truck that´s YOUR fault that your house was there. Doesn´t matter if the driver was drunk and if the truck was damaged before. It´s always YOUR fault not theirs… Basically means that you´re always walking and driving blaming other people for absolutely no reason. You blame then because it´s the way of Curitiba. If you wanna live here get use to be selfish and blame people even when it´s clearly your fault. Drivers in Curitiba are the perfect definition of “Son of a #$&” and that´s the 1st thing you say after you start driving here. Since people in Curitiba have a “built in” arrogance they drive like they´re kings of France. They don´t use signals when they want turn, drive slow during dry weather and even more slow during the rain. But when you try overtake them they step on the gas and don´t let you pass because it´s THEIR road not yours so move away and let me drive at 40km/h when the speed limit is 60km/h but I will drive at 200km/h if you try pass me… Bus drivers in Curitiba bring a new concept of “mother&^@#ers” because since they drive big things they have an even bigger ego meaning that your life means nothing to them. If you´re inside the us you are totally 300% safe, if you´re outside the bus all I can tell you is that “may God have mercy from your soul” People from Curitiba hate loud music because they can´t listen their own ego with loud sounds, everybody here has the ego of Donald Trump and this makes living in Curitiba a real challenge… The football teams here are basically composed by Polish and Italian immigrants meaning they speak a language that NOBODY besides them can understand but since they all suck anyway nobody cares too much… Curitiba has a lot of attractions. 70% of them are related with Italian, Polish, Germany, Japanese and Russian food. The other 30% is composed by weird trees, confusing buildings that look like bunkers make by some gay artists and the challenge of seeing your body try adapt itself to the huge variation in temperature during the day… Important to mention that people from Curitiba don´t talk with strangers meaning you can unify North with South Korea but cannot talk with a person from Curitiba easily. Curitibanos (people from Curitiba) don´t like that thing called “human interaction” and that means that any contact here is basically started by body language and eye contact. It´s like trying stop a bomb from explode. You have to guess and see what happens. In 80% of the times you´re screwed so get used… And the Ego. Geez the go… Curitibanos think they live in another planet. Curitiba is the ultimate achievement of a distant civilization and they and only THEY are the choosen ones. Imagine an American with a bigger ego. Welcome to Curitiba… But don´t worry. You will might or might not arrive here since the international airport has a short runway for a high elevated city (900 meters above sea level) so it means it´s always fogged and raining meaning that every landing and take-off in Curitiba is the unique sensation of operating on an air carrier with a 160 seat airplane. You will have the adventure of your life even without leaving the airport… So next time you complain “my city is weird” imagine this city… Yes. As a Good Curitibano YOU are always RIGHT and I´m always WRONG… Get the stuff faster… also get the jacket faster too. is getting cold again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PistolPete13 Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 The traffic in Rio is almost as bad. Manaus sounds pretty cool because at least you can drink Antartica and Skol all day long to beat the heat. The women are hot too. Curitiba, sound pretty meh. I was racing to the airport once in Rio and I saw a bus on fire on the freeway. I don't think that traffic even slowed down a little bit. It was pretty surreal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhillipBlunt Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Awesome write-ups of the two cities, aeromotacanucks. I thoroughly enjoyed reading about them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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