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Getting over relationships


Art Vandelay

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Things change with the passage of time. Things that you might have thought were deal-breakers then may not be such a big deal now and she may feel the same. In your position, I might try to re-establish contact from a perspective like this: I've been thinking a lot lately about our previous relationship and can't help but recall the good times that strengthened our relationship. I'd like to find out if we still have that capacity to make each other happy. If I'm off-base, tell me and I'll move forward on my own, but if you are at all curious to see if we still have something we can build on, I'd sure like to try to rebuild what we once had. It may turn out that we really have no future, but what if we did?

 

Honest expression of what you feel and why would be the best approach imho. 

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12 minutes ago, nzan said:

Oh yeah? Sweet! What firm do you work with?

My claim to fame is if you go to Houzz and look up "Architects and Building Designers" for Toronto, my little company BLDG Workshop is the top listing.

My education isn't in architecture (business/hospitality and some drafting/engineering) so I haven't  worked for anyone in that field. I call myself an architect mainly

because of Seinfeld (as a joke) but not sure that's technically what I do because usually we build "things" rather than buildings.

 

I run a business with my brother, he is a Mason/carpenter. I'm the brains, and he is the brawn. We do mainly private jobs. Biggest thing we have built was a backyard for a mansion in Qualicum beach. Had a huge river rock kitchen with patio, a new building by the pool, with a custom hot tub. A bunch of smaller things too inside the house and around. It was quite the project. 6 months to complete.

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Guess I am in the minority, but my advice would be to focus on moving on rather than trying to rekindle the relationship or getting back in touch with her in an attempt to be let down and get "closure". I think therapy is the right idea, especially since this longing seemingly came out of the blue and appears to cause you real distress.

I have seen this type of scenario play out a couple times in my life, and it never worked out when the two parties tried it over again. I can't guarantee this would happen to you (and in fact wish that it wouldn't), but in my anecdotal experience the couples broke up because their relationship was broken, and giving it the college try years later just prolonged the suffering.

My high school bf and I broke up in college, and he tried to reach out to me years later (not so much to try getting back together, per se, but to see how I was doing and apologize for past misdeeds). I was actually very insulted. If he wasn't interested in working hard to make things work at first (he broke up with me), why should he be worthy of my time now that I've got my life together and he only just now realizes what he let go? The nerve. Try looking at it from her side too.

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I agree  cram. If you you aren't worthy at your worst, they don't deserve you at your best. People have ups and downs in their lives and if they dont have faith in you or see your potential when you are figuring it all out, they're opportunists unwilling to suffer with you to create a mutually benefitial future.

 

Though if it was mutual, then just send her an old fashioned written letter and lay it out on the line.

 

If she isnt interested, you tried, move on.

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It's a guy thing.  

 

I remember reading/hearing some report about how girls can actually get over their previous relationship.  How they spend a lot of time wallowing and talking about it and so on.... so they can fully heal after a breakup.  

Guys... we never talk about breakups, at least not at the extent that girls do.  All feelings are bottled up inside for the appearance of masculinity.  Thus any lingering feeling, especially heartbreaks, will fester on pretty much forever, never going away.  

 

I got rejected by a girl 10 years ago and I also got into a very very platonic relationship by another chick (language barrier was too much and timing wasn't right)..... yet sometimes my thoughts drift to them.  I'm already happily married and with kids coming.... but still I also think about the would have's and could have's with those two that "got away".  

 

My recommendation.... find a very good girl buddy (non-romantic) that you can talk to.  Helps a lot.  

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14 minutes ago, Cramarossa said:

Guess I am in the minority, but my advice would be to focus on moving on rather than trying to rekindle the relationship or getting back in touch with her in an attempt to be let down and get "closure". I think therapy is the right idea, especially since this longing seemingly came out of the blue and appears to cause you real distress.

I have seen this type of scenario play out a couple times in my life, and it never worked out when the two parties tried it over again. I can't guarantee this would happen to you (and in fact wish that it wouldn't), but in my anecdotal experience the couples broke up because their relationship was broken, and giving it the college try years later just prolonged the suffering.

My high school bf and I broke up in college, and he tried to reach out to me years later (not so much to try getting back together, per se, but to see how I was doing and apologize for past misdeeds). I was actually very insulted. If he wasn't interested in working hard to make things work at first (he broke up with me), why should he be worthy of my time now that I've got my life together and he only just now realizes what he let go? The nerve. Try looking at it from her side too.

That's a tough view, ThrustyCram. Might be right, but we're only human, & everyone's workin on their own timelines. Hard to say...

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15 minutes ago, Cramarossa said:

I have seen this type of scenario play out a couple times in my life, and it never worked out when the two parties tried it over again. I can't guarantee this would happen to you (and in fact wish that it wouldn't), but in my anecdotal experience the couples broke up because their relationship was broken, and giving it the college try years later just prolonged the suffering.

What happened to others, what happened to you, has zero influence on what would happen in Art's case. What has happened in the past, to entirely different people, is not a predictor of what will happen in the future to different people. Like, zero. I don't know why you think it would.

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4 minutes ago, Lancaster said:

It's a guy thing.  

 

I remember reading/hearing some report about how girls can actually get over their previous relationship.  How they spend a lot of time wallowing and talking about it and so on.... so they can fully heal after a breakup.  

Guys... we never talk about breakups, at least not at the extent that girls do.  All feelings are bottled up inside for the appearance of masculinity.  Thus any lingering feeling, especially heartbreaks, will fester on pretty much forever, never going away.  

 

I got rejected by a girl 10 years ago and I also got into a very very platonic relationship by another chick (language barrier was too much and timing wasn't right)..... yet sometimes my thoughts drift to them.  I'm already happily married and with kids coming.... but still I also think about the would have's and could have's with those two that "got away".  

 

My recommendation.... find a very good girl buddy (non-romantic) that you can talk to.  Helps a lot.  

This is true. I've been that buddy to a few guy friends and they've all told me that it's helped them. :)

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You mentioned you got along great and parted amicably and on good terms. Why not send her an e-mail to say "hello"? Some time has passed, so who knows where she is in life. She will either love hearing from you, or not. Her response will either give you closure or present something exciting and "new".

 

My only advice is: don't spend the rest of your life wondering.

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I haven't experienced what you have so I cannot relate at all but I will give my 2 cents. IMO going backwards and pursuing a failed relationship is not worth the time. If it failed once then there is a good chance it will fail again. I am going to say what you are feeling might simply be nostalgia. This girl might have been the best relationship you had but that could just as easily mean that the relationships that followed were not very good in comparison. Try and figure out exactly why you broke up and everything that made the relationship untenable. Try and look at things objectively and not through rose tinted glasses. If you find that those issues are now reconcilable then you can start thinking about getting back in touch. My recommendation as always in these cases is to look forward and move on. There are plenty of good women out there, who you can start fresh with and avoid all the past baggage. Reject any notion that there is one individual that is perfectly compatible with you because it is false. 

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Hard to know offer too much advice without more details but it sounds like you still want her and she could be "the one". Especially since you mentioned dating other people and didn't have any kind of similar emotions from those relationships. Either way, good luck bud. 

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32 minutes ago, Curmudgeon said:

What happened to others, what happened to you, has zero influence on what would happen in Art's case. What has happened in the past, to entirely different people, is not a predictor of what will happen in the future to different people. Like, zero. I don't know why you think it would.

I didn't say it would happen to him.

 

I, like everyone else, am giving advice based upon my experience and worldview. I had a feeling my perspective wouldn't be very much appreciated since it flies in the face of the lovey-dovey "it might still all work out" sentiment everyone else is shilling, but I maintain that having both perspectives will help Art make the best decision for himself.

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45 minutes ago, NUCKER67 said:

You mentioned you got along great and parted amicably and on good terms. Why not send her an e-mail to say "hello"? Some time has passed, so who knows where she is in life. She will either love hearing from you, or not. Her response will either give you closure or present something exciting and "new".

 

My only advice is: don't spend the rest of your life wondering.

This. I've heard of situations that work out after years, and situations that don't. You can't really base your situation off others results because every individual is unique and everyone grows up differently.

 

Good luck with whatever decision you choose :)

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1 hour ago, Cramarossa said:

Guess I am in the minority, but my advice would be to focus on moving on rather than trying to rekindle the relationship or getting back in touch with her in an attempt to be let down and get "closure". I think therapy is the right idea, especially since this longing seemingly came out of the blue and appears to cause you real distress.

I have seen this type of scenario play out a couple times in my life, and it never worked out when the two parties tried it over again. I can't guarantee this would happen to you (and in fact wish that it wouldn't), but in my anecdotal experience the couples broke up because their relationship was broken, and giving it the college try years later just prolonged the suffering.

My high school bf and I broke up in college, and he tried to reach out to me years later (not so much to try getting back together, per se, but to see how I was doing and apologize for past misdeeds). I was actually very insulted. If he wasn't interested in working hard to make things work at first (he broke up with me), why should he be worthy of my time now that I've got my life together and he only just now realizes what he let go? The nerve. Try looking at it from her side too.

 

This. I may be in the minority here along with you, but I've never seen a relationship last after breaking up before unless it's a very unhealthy one. I myself recently had a break up with a guy who I thought was the one, I felt comfortable in everything we did, my anxiety about my perceived imperfections disappeared, but then he said he still had feelings for his ex and isn't ready for a relationship. He's also very young and hasn't been able to have those emotional conversations (our break up was the most emotions he's ever talked about apparently). He wanted to just be friends and see where it goes, but that's not fair to me as I know my true feelings.

 

I'm still trying to get over him, but I know if I try to go back that I will just prolong the process of being able to move on from him. Break ups happen for one reason or another and 95% of the time even though you may not think or feel it at the time they happen for a reason. My advice is same as Cramarossa's: get some counseling, talk to a couple friends you trust (this whole not being emotional to be masculine is a bs stereotype that is really hurting our society, if you want to cry do it, you want to yell do it. Holding emotions in only destroys you, it's healthy to release your feelings) and try putting your energy towards a goal that you've always wanted, but never done or a hobby you'd like to try. Having your focus elsewhere helps a lot. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide @Art Vandelay, but that's my opinion. Good luck to you my friend.

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