RonMexico Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 7 minutes ago, Jimmy McGill said: Its both. You need to be lucky to meet that soul mate and then stay committed to it once it happens. My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and we're still like goofy kids together, but we also carve the time out to keep things lively. That means saying no to a lot of things so it can just be us together. Many couples we know, maybe the majority come to think of it, have got lazy and let things lapse and there's a number of divorces or even worse just brutally distant "for the kids" relationships going on in our circles right now. Unfortunately it's having kids that really tests a relationship. Before having a kid, my wife and I were able to do whatever whenever. Take off for a weekend. Go camping. Go boozing. Watch games at the pub. Go to sporting events. Etc. Etc. Now with a little one roaming around, that freedom is gone and your previous life of fun times and experiences are put on the back burner. Many people are lucky to have grandparents nearby so as a couple you can feel some of that freedom again even if it is only for a night but without that support, it can be a real strain on your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smithers joe Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 i think, a lot of couples mistake infatuation for love. once the infatuation fades, so does their relationship. i agree that real love takes a lot of work. your taking two different people with different dreams, likes and dislikes. love comes later but you have to really like someone before you tackle love and life together. then there is a lot of give and take, joy and heartache, successes and failures. if you can't handle losing sometimes, then ride on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JM_ Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 26 minutes ago, RonMexico said: Unfortunately it's having kids that really tests a relationship. Before having a kid, my wife and I were able to do whatever whenever. Take off for a weekend. Go camping. Go boozing. Watch games at the pub. Go to sporting events. Etc. Etc. Now with a little one roaming around, that freedom is gone and your previous life of fun times and experiences are put on the back burner. Many people are lucky to have grandparents nearby so as a couple you can feel some of that freedom again even if it is only for a night but without that support, it can be a real strain on your relationship. thats true, the kids can make it tough for sure. Add in a home renovation and that can make things impossible for some couples. But there are ways to get some time back particularly when school starts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elvis15 Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 10 hours ago, Mainly Mattias said: Are you guys hopeless romantics that believe in destiny partners and soul mates? Or do you believe love is a choice people make and continue to make throughout their relationship? I am a romantic but believe love ends up being a choice continuously made. I have no faith in the longevity of relationships, marriage or no marriage. Look at it logically, to have one soul mate - a destiny - and think there's any kind of chance that that one person would live near you let alone run into you is astronomical. Even if you want to limit that to someone who would share the same social and moral values as you that's still a massive pool of people across a large portion of the world. Not to be a buzzkill either, as I feel love can be found with lots of people. Think of it as friends. You have some friends you hang out with who like certain things. Maybe you go play or watch sports with one group, and another group you check out new places to eat. Each friend brings something different to the table but they're still your friend. Apply that to love and we all know we've found lots of people attractive just to look at them, and it's logical to think that you could also love something about that person significantly enough to be in love. It's probably narrowed down a little from there due to practicality and mutual interest, but that's still a far greater chance than a one true love. And I don't agree with your last statement, Mattias. the problems we're seeing now with divorce rates and breakups is that people aren't honest with each other (and themselves) and really end up failing to communicate. Marriage in particular was for the longest time more about an arrangement than anything to do with love. It's still happens in many countries where other people decide who someone will marry, and since the time of people becoming farmers, land ownership and being able to hand down possessions like land became more important and marriage was necessary to create a bloodline of heirs. That's a whole other conversation on how monogamy became the norm (promoted by the church for the above reason, not because it was 'better') instead of non-monogamy in many societies, but the point is people fall into that idea and think they need a relationship and the white picket fence ideal to be happy and successful adults. Instead, relationships are more driven by love than ever and people don't continue to work on these things. You can have many loves in your life, of varying degrees. Some will be intense but short, others smouldering but long lasting, and some will be only in passing. Be open to any opportunity to find love when it comes, and then you can find out if you need to actually do anything about it. https://www.carsieblanton.com/blog/post/82149148832/casual-love Quote ... We have a mythology surrounding romantic love that says it’s a special, rare feeling, reserved for just a few people in your whole life. It says that love takes time to develop, and that the feelings you experience at the outset of a relationship are not love, but something else (“infatuation”, “a crush”, or my favorite, “twitterpation“ (see Bambi)). It also says that love is generally constant and reliable, and that falling in love is A MAJOR LIFE EVENT, about which SOMETHING MUST BE DONE! In summation, the plot of every romantic comedy: if you fall in love with somebody, you better go out and get ‘em - even if they’re already married and they don’t really like you and you’re their stepsister and you’re leaving for a six-year residency in Mongolia in the morning - because you’ll probably love them forever and you might not ever love anyone else. We are so enamored with this idea that we tend to round some feelings up to love (when you first met the person you later married), and others down to not-love (your weekend fling with a Spanish dancer). The thing is, those experiences feel remarkably similar from the inside. ... Imagine if you could say to a casual partner, “I love you. It’s no big deal. It doesn’t mean you’re The One, or even one of the ones. It doesn’t mean you have to love me back. It doesn’t mean we have to date, or marry, or even cuddle. It doesn’t mean we have to part ways dramatically in a flurry of tears and broken dishes. It doesn’t mean I’ll love you until I die, or that I’ll still love you next year, or tomorrow.” Then later, perhaps over brunch, you could tackle the question of whether there’s anything to do about it. All of the aforementioned - dating, marriage, cuddling, etc - are options, and there are an infinite number of other options (Skee ball, sailing around the world, double suicide). These are all things you can now choose or not choose, as two conscious, adult human beings. The important distinction is that none of them is implied just by saying the word “love”. ... There are advantages to separating the wacky, butterflies-in-the-gut, unpredictable feeling of “love” from the ideally rational, cool-headed decisions and agreements of “commitment”. For one: love is just not a good enough reason to commit to somebody (trust me, I’ve tried). You need a few other ingredients: mutuality, compatibility, and availability, for starters. More at the link, but that's a philosophy I live my life by, and it's worth a read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nucker 67 Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 I was living in Winnipeg in 2002 and wanted to quit smoking. I joined a quit smoking site for support/distraction. This site has thousands of members all over the world, sometimes you get to sort of know people or make cyber friends, and chat/mail etc. Well, I met a woman from New West that day, and we have been happily married for 9 years (and no longer smoke cigs). I certainly wasn't trying to hook up with anyone, I just wanted to quit smoking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AppleJack Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 35 minutes ago, RonMexico said: Unfortunately it's having kids that really tests a relationship. Before having a kid, my wife and I were able to do whatever w9henever. Take off for a weekend. Go camping. Go boozing. Watch games at the pub. Go to sporting events. Etc. Etc. Now with a little one roaming around, that freedom is gone and your previous life of fun times and experiences are put on the back burner. Many people are lucky to have grandparents nearby so as a couple you can feel some of that freedom again even if it is only for a night but without that support, it can be a real strain on your relationship. Try having those kids taken from you, voided from existance, never to exist outside of your woam. Try living with the reality that your child(ren) are dead, gone and you may never be able to have another one. Then we can talk about how 'having kids is a strain on a relationship'. Honestly if couples who have overcome the worse fate can throw at them can stay together I fail to see how losing 'party time' due to having kids is such a strain. To many people take havng a family for granted, they dont realize just how damn lucky they are. Yes Having a family is hard, its expensive and you do make life style changes but given the alternative having a family is worth it. Given a choice I rather have our son alive then 'freedom'. Which leads to the question at hand is love fate or choice? At the end of the day you make a choice to stay and work on your relationship, you work through the hard times, you become stronger because of the hard times. Its you and your partner against the world. Maybe that choice is made because of fate maybe its not. All I know is that if you really love someone and belong with them then life(and love) will find a way. Since losing our son life has not been easy, there were times where I wished I died along side him The despair you feel from such a loss is really something you cant put into words and you can all to often stay trapped in it, in a endless cycle. But there is joy and you are able to love while carying this around and yes it puts a strain on everything but you come to a cross roads and you make a decison to love and fight for your relationship. To work for something that is real and lasting because you put the effort in, because you put your partner first, because you make a choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riffraff Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 19 minutes ago, AppleJack said: Try having those kids taken from you, voided from existance, never to exist outside of your woam. Try living with the reality that your child(ren) are dead, gone and you may never be able to have another one. Then we can talk about how 'having kids is a strain on a relationship'. Honestly if couples who have overcome the worse fate can throw at them can stay together I fail to see how losing 'party time' due to having kids is such a strain. To many people take havng a family for granted, they dont realize just how damn lucky they are. Yes Having a family is hard, its expensive and you do make life style changes but given the alternative having a family is worth it. Given a choice I rather have our son alive then 'freedom'. Which leads to the question at hand is love fate or choice? At the end of the day you make a choice to stay and work on your relationship, you work through the hard times, you become stronger because of the hard times. Its you and your partner against the world. Maybe that choice is made because of fate maybe its not. All I know is that if you really love someone and belong with them then life(and love) will find a way. Since losing our son life has not been easy, there were times where I wished I died along side him The despair you feel from such a loss is really something you cant put into words and you can all to often stay trapped in it, in a endless cycle. But there is joy and you are able to love while carying this around and yes it puts a strain on everything but you come to a cross roads and you make a decison to love and fight for your relationship. To work for something that is real and lasting because you put the effort in, because you put your partner first, because you make a choice. What you are saying is true and what Ron Mexico said is also true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monty Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 59 minutes ago, RonMexico said: Unfortunately it's having kids that really tests a relationship. Before having a kid, my wife and I were able to do whatever whenever. Take off for a weekend. Go camping. Go boozing. Watch games at the pub. Go to sporting events. Etc. Etc. Now with a little one roaming around, that freedom is gone and your previous life of fun times and experiences are put on the back burner. Many people are lucky to have grandparents nearby so as a couple you can feel some of that freedom again even if it is only for a night but without that support, it can be a real strain on your relationship. Absolutely. Our daughter is almost 2. We love her to bits and have an absolute ball with her. But we don’t take the time to go out just the two of us, and that’s in large part because my mom and her entire family live out in BC, while we live in Manitoba. And while we love our life and our community, not having family nearby makes taking time for the two of us nearly impossible. We do get a sitter once in a while, but the 2-3 hours every two months isn’t enough for either of us. But that’s life and we’re very fortunate to have the time we do have. Majority of people in the world live with a lot less than we have (both time and ‘stuff’), and what we have together is certainly enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Am.Ironman Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 9 hours ago, Heretic said: It's fate, divine intervention, whatever you want to call it. The events that led to me meeting my wife are just too incredible not to be. Care to share? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.I.A.H.N Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 My co-worker asked me one day....."How is your day going?" I said " Friggin Lousy!" He said "Compared to who?" I think that is a good life lessen, and wish I had know of it earlier in my life....I use it a lot, when I don't get my way, or the wife's not in the mood, or the car doesn't start So, after 3 failed relationships, and 1 good one......here are my takeaways (Both partner have to live by these rules) 1. Relationships are work...…………..yes, you have to work at it, and not give up (both sides have to believe this) 2. Communication is essential...……..talk about your problems, dreams, and fears (learn to compromise) 3. Positive events are essential...……take time for a walk together, go for a holiday together (alone), have a snow ball fight, play together! 4. Share...………………………………Share house chores as much as possible, divide disposable money equally, share kid responsibilities 5. Laughter...…………………………...make sure you can laugh together, at yourself and at one another, tell jokes, watch comedy, find humor in life together 6. Intimacy/touch...…………………….yes, sex, but not sex.....touch is intimate......a rub of a shoulder, a hug, a kiss for no reason, a dance with no music 7. Say "I love you"...…………………...that is right! Say it once or twice a day, with meaning and sincerity 8. Support...…………………………….we don't all have bad days together, be there for your partner and remember...……………………….actions speak louder than words!,,,...,Just don't talk about it, do it! I am sure there are other things that can be added, but I have found when I go back to these, my wife and I level out and get on track......it is easy to forget these things during life's busy days......it is extremely easy to loose it during difficult times. And remember that life is never 50/50 and don't expect it...strive to give 100% and accept less Some day's my 100% is really 20%...…...Remember, both partners have to live by the same rules! I think most successful relationships use these rules...and that is love...….fate is only what brought us together! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AppleJack Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 24 minutes ago, riffraff said: What you are saying is true and what Ron Mexico said is also true. I work with children and I know how much of your life and time they can consume. So I am not saying this without some knowledge about what its a like to be around children all the time. If you dont put the work into your relationship it will be strained regardless of having kids or not. Sure you may have to make more sacrifices in regards to 'freedom/partying' when your kids are young but it still possible. You just need to Find other ways to support eachother and maintain your romantic relationship instead of partying like you did before you had kids. Alot of families I work for often have monthly date nights, they hire a sitter for the evening or get family to watch the kids.There are options. You just need to put the work in, sure its harder with a family then when you are single but you had a family with this person for a reason,cherish that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.I.A.H.N Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 31 minutes ago, Monty said: Absolutely. Our daughter is almost 2. We love her to bits and have an absolute ball with her. But we don’t take the time to go out just the two of us, and that’s in large part because my mom and her entire family live out in BC, while we live in Manitoba. And while we love our life and our community, not having family nearby makes taking time for the two of us nearly impossible. We do get a sitter once in a while, but the 2-3 hours every two months isn’t enough for either of us. But that’s life and we’re very fortunate to have the time we do have. Majority of people in the world live with a lot less than we have (both time and ‘stuff’), and what we have together is certainly enough. "FN" rights Monty, "FN" rights! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twilight Sparkle Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 2 hours ago, Tre Mac said: But the worst thing is: that Me, Fatty, Sideburns Lady, and the mutants over at Table 9, will never ever find a way to better the situation, because apparently we have nothing to offer the opposite sex. Now let's cut this stupid cake cause I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. Remember alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-DLC- Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 1 hour ago, Cramarossa said: Definitely a choice. The older I get the more I feel like navigating relationships/marriage is just a huge costs/benefits analysis and at any given time you're just trying to make the best decision for yourself and your (emotional, spiritual, financial) security. I have been very jaded as of late, I'll admit, but I just don't believe much in romantic love anymore. Love's not enough anyway. There's more to a relationship than that. Right there with you, Cram. Jaded and not interested in the process that leads there. Walls up that Trump would envy. I fell, hard, when I was very young (14). Puppy love...all the girls were giddy when he was around. I dove in with both feet....he still talks about how I approached him (versus giggling and sitting back). Asked him out, and so it began.... Off and on throughout our teens. He was a bit of a bad boy and lived on the edge. Drove a fast car. Motorcycle. We'd skip school and go hang out...my Dad caught on and was livid. So, when we eventually were to marry, there was resistance from my family but they knew there was no changing my mind. We'd already moved out together. Life was great at first...although he wasn't always nice to me, he'd show remorse and seemed sincere that he'd try harder. But it got worse, not better. And, as I got older and had kids, we grew in totally different directions. He had a lot of single friends who partied, hard. I wanted to focus more on family. It was romantic...very Romeo and Juliet (love the song by Dire Straits). However, it was also crushing and devastating when our inevitable break up happened. Rocked my world, but was better for all of us that way ... mostly, the kids. SO JADED. Because I also went through a whole bunch of turmoil at that time (cancer, floods, ,etc., etc.), when I finally could take time to breathe, I did. I got very selfish with my time...it was for me and my kids. No one would interfere in that. Funny, we've come full circle (after he ditched his crazy ass gf) and are the best of friends. The marriage of our son just had him very reminiscent and emotional ... he expresses regret over how things unfolded and would go back in time .... but I never will. It's better that we are friends and I can't imagine going back to having someone share my life. Again, that selfish part where I protect what I so truly value. It's lonely, but once you've been burned it's hard to stand too near fires. I run in the other direction. Choices for sure. I choose not to ever be hurt again, which would only change with something very organic and not forced. Would NEVER do dating sites, etc. (barf). Something "set out". If I bumped into someone that caught my eye and we clicked, it would be different. But I don't ever "look" for someone. Never ever. I believed in fate and thought we were destined to be together forever. He was the one and only for me. And, when that didn't pan out as planned, it sort of blew that whole idea out of the water. Nope...it's a myth. Work hard at considering the other person's feelings. Be all in for them, not just you. I have no regrets. Some people never have the kind of love we had. However, sometimes what you want when you're young changes over time and so do the dynamics. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zombieksa Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 12 hours ago, Mainly Mattias said: Are you guys hopeless romantics that believe in destiny partners and soul mates? Or do you believe love is a choice people make and continue to make throughout their relationship? I am a romantic but believe love ends up being a choice continuously made. I have no faith in the longevity of relationships, marriage or no marriage. I used to be a hopeless romantic but I couldn't begin to tell you how it is formed as I am clearly no expert. The love of my life is getting married in 3 days and it isn't to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-DLC- Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 2 minutes ago, zombieksa said: I used to be a hopeless romantic but I couldn't begin to tell you how it is formed as I am clearly no expert. The love of my life is getting married in 3 days and it isn't to me. I want a tears emoji for this. Been there...when my ex did move on, it crushed me. You will get through this..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zombieksa Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 Just now, debluvscanucks said: I want a tears emoji for this. Been there...when my ex did move on, it crushed me. You will get through this..... 8 years together and this weekend is less than 3 years from the split. I know I will be okay eventually but I am not just yet, this week has been quite trying. She got engaged 6 something like 8 months after we split. So I guess my answer to the question asked originally is I think love can be a choice. At the very least for some people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shift-4 Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 5 minutes ago, zombieksa said: I used to be a hopeless romantic but I couldn't begin to tell you how it is formed as I am clearly no expert. The love of my life is getting married in 3 days and it isn't to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zombieksa Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 1 minute ago, Shift-4 said: Haha, that was pretty much me and my best bud when he found out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-DLC- Posted July 11, 2018 Share Posted July 11, 2018 4 minutes ago, zombieksa said: 8 years together and this weekend is less than 3 years from the split. I know I will be okay eventually but I am not just yet, this week has been quite trying. She got engaged 6 something like 8 months after we split. So I guess my answer to the question asked originally is I think love can be a choice. At the very least for some people. Totally get it. There's very much a pit in the stomach gut punch when someone just gets over things when we're not yet there. I remember the first time I heard my ex's gf in the background on the phone. It was very "real" then and any thoughts I may have been having of a reconciliation at the time dissipated right there and then. Time really does heal all wounds thought, trust me....took me a very long time, but the healing is complete now and I never thought it would be. Hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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