Relationship Advice Needed

[peaches5]

10 hours ago, Dazzle said:

Ok, big guy. I've told her many times about boosting her confidence and/or having her focus on herself. I got a little frustrated so I went the passive aggressive route, but I'm not proud of it. I ask on the internet purely to get an honest answer. I don't want to ask this on Facebook or something. I don't want the drama.

 

You went into a relationship and had a goal to change that person. Those are your own words. She hasn't changed. You're getting annoyed that she isn't listening to you and keeps complaining. Maybe she is just the type of person who likes to complain. Maybe she is one of those women who sees a woman on TV with a great body and sits there eating a tub of ice cream complaining. You don't want drama because you're 4.5 years into this relationship, you should have had this conversation in the first year, and you know this is going to be a big fight. You should have asked her direct questions why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? Stop complaining and do something.. You should have been direct with her. If you were and she scoffed them off then you have your answer. If you say hey let's go to the gym and she says no.. You have your answer. This is no longer about her at that point and about you. You need to decide if you want to be with someone who is going to complain and make no effort to change. That is who she is. 

 

 

[lmm]

I would swear that Dazzle  started the same topic a year ago, and even said that he was passive/agressive then too

i am having a deja vu about this topic

[Justdean10]

On 7/17/2020 at 6:42 PM, Phil_314 said:

It makes enough sense with regards to not wanting to dress up, basically don't do to others what you wouldn't want done to you (e.g. if a guy doesn't like to dress formal don't make him, that's like my dad).

Curious about the part of "wow you look really pretty today" being a confidence breaker, would you rather people not say anything?  Or just smile and give you a little more attention?  Since as guys I feel in this case there's no winning either (tell her she looks good, she gets upset because guys only notice the effort; not say anything and the girl may thing "wow he doesn't pay me any attention").

Also, wouldn't that last approach (as effective as it sounds) also mean that you would need to dress up, and thus go through the "vicious" compliment cycle? 
Haha P.S. as a man I'm trying to learn here, don't shoot me.

But if she only gets complimented on the times she wears make up, it's like saying she only looks nice when she wears make up. A person should look beautiful because of how you feel about them and the way they make you feel, where only complimenting her on the times she puts on make up, is solely basing her beauty on her appearance. Women are difficult, I agree and probably a lot of women feel differently than me. If she is one of those women who wears make up daily and what not, then sure tell her she looks pretty today.. but if she wears make up like once a month or something and that's the only time you tell her she looks good, I'm not sure how that is suppose to make her feel good. 

[Phil_314]

3 hours ago, Justdean10 said:

But if she only gets complimented on the times she wears make up, it's like saying she only looks nice when she wears make up. A person should look beautiful because of how you feel about them and the way they make you feel, where only complimenting her on the times she puts on make up, is solely basing her beauty on her appearance.

Women are difficult, I agree and probably a lot of women feel differently than me. If she is one of those women who wears make up daily and what not, then sure tell her she looks pretty today.. but if she wears make up like once a month or something and that's the only time you tell her she looks good, I'm not sure how that is suppose to make her feel good. 

Re: paragraph 1, I read that you're saying that, for you at least it's 

- compliment looks even when she's not wearing makeup so as to establish the baseline that you think she looks beautiful in general 
- and also on her personality/ who she is so you show that you value her holistically/ in her entirety

If that's the points then I would say that's helpful in their contexts.  On the other extreme, I hope most women wouldn't think that all the compliments are too much if we guys started to notice them even in the ordinary, because with this approach I could see the old saying "familiarity breeds contempt" becoming true.  If the praise starts coming they may also think you're flattering or their baseline of expectations might also change (e.g. they may think "oh this again" and think you're pedestalizing them)... such a delicate balance to strike 
 

[Justdean10]

23 hours ago, Phil_314 said:

Re: paragraph 1, I read that you're saying that, for you at least it's 

- compliment looks even when she's not wearing makeup so as to establish the baseline that you think she looks beautiful in general 
- and also on her personality/ who she is so you show that you value her holistically/ in her entirety

If that's the points then I would say that's helpful in their contexts.  On the other extreme, I hope most women wouldn't think that all the compliments are too much if we guys started to notice them even in the ordinary, because with this approach I could see the old saying "familiarity breeds contempt" becoming true.  If the praise starts coming they may also think you're flattering or their baseline of expectations might also change (e.g. they may think "oh this again" and think you're pedestalizing them)... such a delicate balance to strike 
 

I would say that sums up the points

haha definitely a delicate balance. So I think it's about finding what works for the girl you're with too, and what works for you. For me, if I think the compliment is genuine, please compliment me every two seconds if you want haha Women are confusing. I'm gay, so I am aware of the struggles of finding the sweet spot of giving compliments and not over doing it but I really think for the most part, long as it's genuine, compliments are always nice. 

[Phil_314]

1 hour ago, Justdean10 said:

I would say that sums up the points

haha definitely a delicate balance. So I think it's about finding what works for the girl you're with too, and what works for you. For me, if I think the compliment is genuine, please compliment me every two seconds if you want haha Women are confusing. I'm gay, so I am aware of the struggles of finding the sweet spot of giving compliments and not over doing it but I really think for the most part, long as it's genuine, compliments are always nice. 

haha always beneficial to hear a girl's $0.02 in matters like this or on clothing choices lol.

Edited July 22, 2020 by Phil_314

[filthycanuck]

On 7/19/2020 at 9:14 AM, peaches5 said:

You went into a relationship and had a goal to change that person. Those are your own words. She hasn't changed. You're getting annoyed that she isn't listening to you and keeps complaining. Maybe she is just the type of person who likes to complain. Maybe she is one of those women who sees a woman on TV with a great body and sits there eating a tub of ice cream complaining. You don't want drama because you're 4.5 years into this relationship, you should have had this conversation in the first year, and you know this is going to be a big fight. You should have asked her direct questions why don't you do this? Why don't you do that? Stop complaining and do something.. You should have been direct with her. If you were and she scoffed them off then you have your answer. If you say hey let's go to the gym and she says no.. You have your answer. This is no longer about her at that point and about you. You need to decide if you want to be with someone who is going to complain and make no effort to change. That is who she is. 

 

 

Better to be single and wishing that you're married, than being married and wishing you're single