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1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.

Respect my authoritah!!!

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on government time.

why not? it´s always good have a "spare soul"...

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

but Allah and Buda can contradict the rest of your orders...

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance” while on duty.

everybody have your own "gay moment" or "jackass moment" at least once. like when I decided do skateboarding inside the airport. wasn´t a great idea...

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.

but you can ask them if they´ve been drinking beer/wisky/vodka...

26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!”

don´t forget the "we also kicked your ass in Word War 1" and divided your country in 2 after the second kick...

28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

come on! it´s super funny see their faces trying to kill you after the caos you caused...

36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over)

you have Mexico right? so...

the force is strong in you! maybe it´s your Jedi or Sith side trying to reveal to you your destiny...

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

under mine there´s at least 30 playboys magazines and a old computer monitor...

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as “Mom”.

since I was educated with military discipline I called my mom as "yes madam horray!"

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

add Red Bull and wisky and you will "travel" for a loooooong time...

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

try the Japanese ones. there´s only "go" and "not go" button...

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable

Lie as much as you can and it will become a true thing...

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

I did that at least 5 times with my friends. planning to do the 6th time sooner...

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

planning to rule the galaxy Lord Sith?

172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.

bring him/her to a strip club and the problem is solved!

96. “Redneck Zombies” is not a military training aid.

Redneck Zombies? man that would be a scaring problem...

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

Challenge accepted

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

Challenge accepted 2

Porn earns money today and sometimes we need film some "open scenes"...

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

Challenge accepted 3.

I built some sort of robot with 10 VW Beetles, well, was a giant pile of cr@% but was something...

192. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”

When your Captain/Commander is a moron/douchebag/idiot you can say this or you can response "Really? How many years you took to find this hein Genius?"

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I thought of a couple additions to this list

-I am not authorized to drive an 18 wheeler

- I may not commandeer vehicles to recreate a scene from a movie

- Being an MP does not give me the authority to declare anyone legally dead

- I may not replace my unit insignia with patches proclaiming myself a pork eating crusader

- I may not trade any part of my uniform for beer

- “.50 caliber machineguns, M1A1 Abrams tanks, destroyers, Chinese hookers, and small guys named Bob to take care of our vehicles” cannot be purchased on the OPTAR. One must route a special request chit first.

- The point of raking dirt in front of the HQ building is to teach you the error of your ways- not to create a zen

rock garden.

-Scorpions should never be sources of gambling, regardless of how cool it is when you trap two in an M-60 ammo can and let them fight it out to the death UFC style.

-Combining blanks and cleaning rods in the M16A2 rifle is not an acceptable means of acquiring “meat for the tribe.” It

should be noted it’s a bitch unpinning a squirrel from a tree and you NEVER get your cleaning rod back.

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Guest Gumballthechewy

Don't even have to open it, just tell the company you won't give it back to them unless they fork over 2 million in ransom.

Ha ha! That's great!

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I'd just take the whole thing home and figure it out from there.

D28402.jpg

and a stack of these

large.jpg

Don't even have to open it, just tell the company you won't give it back to them unless they fork over 2 million in ransom.

Anyone else want to form a crime syndicate ?

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