Cheesy Joke Thread

[Heretic]

Where are your glasses?

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?, I replied.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business

I e-mailed her and told her that I had just joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are a senior citizen, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and said, "Good grief, where are your glasses?!!! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

[Guest Gumballthechewy]

I always love your jokes Heretic.

Here's one, my mom told me this one...

One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He replied, 'no ma'am.' She said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents.'

As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ***.

Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, 'This is going to be my report.'

The next day at school the teacher says, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He says, 'sure do.' So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. 'Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the others ***.' The teacher says, 'Rectum.' Johnny said, 'Rectum? Hell, it damn near killed 'em.'

[Heretic]

Therapy for seniors

Hints on how to Liven Up Your Idle Hours...to maintain a healthy level of insanity!

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of the ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[Grapefruits]

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender goes "hey, you have a steering wheel in your pants" Pirate goes "arrrr, its driving me nuts"

[Heretic]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been

Able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the

Far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a

Boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat .......and....

Nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .

"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across

The lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,

"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were

All born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya idiot!

[triangulate]

Today when I ordered a drink the bartender asked if I wanted ice with that.

I said yes, but gimme some of that fresh ice, not that frozen stuff!

[tortorellatheboss]

Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

[Heretic]

An Australian electrician (Royalty of all Trades) dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the electrician sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm an electrician - the Royalty of all Trades??"

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"

The electrician is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up your time sheets."

[Phil_314]

Why don't tennis players get married?

Because love means nothing to them

Why do bird societies not like golfers?

They keep shooting birdies and eagles.

[Green Building]

[Heretic]

What goes up a hill with 3 legs?

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one

over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely

declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask

you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only

$5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will

pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he

agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the

Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out

a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill

with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.

After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the

$500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior

up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes

down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes

back to sleep.

Don't mess with seniors!

[Guest Gumballthechewy]

Ha ha! That's hilarious!

[Wilbur]

Billy and his parents are driving home from the city. They're travelling down a rural road when Billy sees a cow grazing in a field.

"Look Mommy a moo moo, a moo moo!" Billy exclaims.

"Now Billy, you're 4 years old you can use the grown up word for that, it's a cow." Billy's mom states.

Further up the road the car has to stop at railroad crossing.

Billy gets excited again and says "Look Mommy! A choo choo!

"Billy, you now better. Use your grown up words. That's a train." Billy's mom explains.

Upon returning home Billy retired to his room. He was silent for so long Billy's mom had to peek inside only to find him quietly looking at a book.

"Billy what book are you reading?" Billy's mom asked.

"Winnie the sh!t" Billy replied.

[Down by the River]

What kind of beer does the Easter Bunny prefer?

Anything hoppy

[Horvat]

Has anybody else been to that restaurant on the moon? They have great food but no atmosphere

[TheMohammadman]

Plants don't move.

I don't know why this makes me laugh.

[Heretic]

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze… Whereupon he asks the drunk, ‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’

‘Yes I am’ replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, ‘Brother have you found Jesus?’

The drunk replies, ‘No, I haven’t.’ The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time… He pulls him out of the water and asks again, ‘Have you found Jesus, my brother?’

The drunk again answers, ‘No, I have not found Jesus.’

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, ‘For the love of God, have you found Jesus?’

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’

[GoaltenderInterference]

What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination?

Hand eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Heretic]

The Dress

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Need's ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Poor bugger never even heard the gunshot.

[Wilbur]

3 men are being chased by the police on foot. One is a Canucks fan, another is a Red Wings fan, the other is a Leafs fan. The men, in desperation, turn a corner only to come up to a dead end. The only possible cover are 3 potato sacks.

The police, in hot pursuit, turn the same corner and find the 3 lumpy potato sacks. Thinking they'd been had, a policeman kicks the sack hiding the Canucks fan.

"MEOW"

"Dang, it's just a couple of cats, oh well" says one policeman, who then kicks the sack hiding the Red Wings fan.

"WOOF, WOOF!"

"Bah, this one just has dogs."

The policeman then gives one last kick to the sack hiding the Leafs fan.

"PO-TA-TOES"

The Canucks fan, the Red Wings fan, and the Leafs fan were then quickly arrested.