Cheesy Joke Thread

[D.B Cooper]

Two sausages are frying in a pan.

One sausage says 'man, it's hot in here!'

The other says 'holy shit! A talking sausage!'

Edited October 22, 2014 by drummerboy

[The Magician]

Two sausages are frying in a pan.

One sausage says 'man, it's hot in here!'

The other says 'holy crap! A talking sausage!'

w0t?

[Heretic]

Mouse balls and mouse ball inspector

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was an actual memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral
problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be
attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the
mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

"Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

[Snake Doctor]

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

“Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!”

“Well,” the boss said, “that explains one ear, but what about the other?”
“They called back!”

[Time Lord]

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father,but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

Dear son,' said the father,I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

Dearest father,' the son started,I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

Father,' the son said,You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-'

And then he died.

Edited October 24, 2014 by Time Lord

[Heretic]

An Irish Ghost Story

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody
behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car
Hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the
hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it..
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!!!!

[riffraff]

Whadya call a dear with no eyes?

No I dear.

Whadya call a dear with no legs and no eyes?

Still no I dear.

Whadya call a dear with no genitalia, legs or eyes?

Still no fucking I dear.

[Dazzle]

On the internet...

Men are men. Women are men. Children are the FBI.

[Dral]

On the internet...

Men are men. Women are men. Children are the FBI.

Personal motto or did you get busted?

[Dazzle]

Personal motto or did you get busted?

Part of my release condition is to write that out every so often.

[Jester13]

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're so popular that they're making headlines.

Do you know what Bruce Lee likes to drink? Wataaaaaa!

[Heretic]

The old man

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

'And how many have you caught today?'

'You're the eighth.

[Aladeen]

What did the hot dog say when he won the race?

I'm the Weiner!

[Heretic]

THE MORALITY OF DISHONESTY

Robbers entered a bank in a small town.

One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you."

Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.

(This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.)

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please

behave accordingly."

(This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.)

While running from the bank, the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished

elementary school), "Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole."

The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from

the bank."

(This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.)

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant, "Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen." "Wait,", said the accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part of today's robbery."

(This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.)

The following day, it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $3 million. The robbers then counted the money, but they

found only $1 million so they started to grumble.

"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking? Maybe its better to learn

how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."

(This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.)

Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

[Heretic]

What did the hot dog say when he won the race?

I'm the Weiner!

Saw this on the weekend on a T-Shirt:

[Phil_314]

I like most of these cheesy jokes.

Most of them are just so gouda.

[MikeyBoy44]

I like most of these cheesy jokes.

Most of them are just so gouda.

/thread

[Heretic]

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh", said the TV presenter." This is a very rare set of dogs produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers - taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?? "

"Sticks " said Paddy.

[Hidden Panda]

Rick walked into a barber shop and asked "how long until I can get a trim?" "About an hour" says the barber. And Rick sprinted off...

A week later, Rick walked into the barber shop and asked "how long until i can get a trim?" "About 2 hours" says the barber. And Rick jogs off..

The day after that, Rick walked into the barber shop and asked "how long till i can get a trim" "just for you pal, 3 hours seen as though you've never came back after asking.." "Fair enough" says Rick, and he saunters off..

Infuriated, the barber asks his friend Nate to follow Rick, and see where he goes every time..

30 minutes later, Nate returns and it looks like he's trying to hold back a laugh. "Where does he go?" asks the barber.

"He goes to your house mate"

Edited December 11, 2014 by Hidden Panda

[Heretic]

Cows

A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him 'What happened to you?

Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked

over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!'

‘I don’t remember much after that...