Cheesy Joke Thread

[Heretic]

A farmer wants to know how many sheep he has in his field.

So he asks his border collie to go count them.

The dog runs into the field, counts then and runs back to the farmer.

The farmer asks "How many?"

The dog says "40."

The farmer is surprised, "How can there be 40? I'm sure I only bought 38."

 

 

 

 

The dog says "I rounded them up."

 

[ShakyWalton]

A wife was curious when she found an old negative in a drawer and had it made into a print. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband. When she showed him the photo, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!"

[ShakyWalton]

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's. He didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager. He didn't. I drank it. I thought that maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's. Nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realised he just didn't like to drink, I was so $&!#-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.

[Heretic]

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a supermarket.  

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.

She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process.  

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."   

The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."     

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"     

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.     

The   judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"    

 

 

 

The  husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole a can of  peas."

[JAY JAY]

A 4-Year Old Gets a Job
 
Here's a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
 
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
 
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
 
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
 
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
 
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
 
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
 
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the frackin'  drywall..."

[JAY JAY]

1960 Hits Renamed

 

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate

aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.

They include:

 

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

 

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

 

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

 

The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

 

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

 

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now

 

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

 

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

 

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair

 

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

 

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

 

Abba---
Denture Queen

 

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

 

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore

 

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

 

And Last, but NOT least:

 

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

 

[JAY JAY]

Bus Trip

 

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.  The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
 
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.  She decided to go up and investigate.
 
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
 
The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?  We're having a great time downstairs!'
 
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered, 'YEAH SURE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER'

[JAY JAY]

Cooter and Gomer.

 

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.

 

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

 

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

 

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

 

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say :
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

 

[Heretic]

THE DONALD’S FIRST DAY IN OFFICE
 
1. President Donald Trump and Vice President Marco  Rubio are sworn into office.
 
2. In a rare event on inauguration day, Congress 

convenes for an emergency meeting to repeal the
illegal and unconstitutional Socialist healthcare
farce known as Obamacare. The new Director of
Health and Social Services Dr. Ben Carson announces
that an independent group of healthcare management
professionals is hired to handle healthcare services
for poor and low income people. They are also
assigned the duty of eliminating Medicare and
Medicaid fraud. Government’s costs for public
healthcare are reduced by 90%. Healthcare
insurance premiums for working Americans are
reduced by 50%. The move saves billions of
taxpayer paid dollars. Healthcare service in
the U.S improves 100%.

3. Newly appointed Department of Homeland
Security Chief Ted Cruz announces the immediate
deployment of troops to the U.S. Mexico border
to control illegal immigration and the immediate
deportation of illegals with criminal records or
links to terrorist groups. New bio-encrypted Social
Security IDs are required by every American citizen.
Birthright is abolished. All immigration from countries
that represent a threat to the safety of American
citizens is terminated indefinitely. The move saves
American taxpayers billions of dollars. Several
prisons are closed.
 
4. Newly appointed Secretary of Business and
Economic Development Carly Fiorina eliminates
more than half of the Government agencies
operating under the Obama administration
saving taxpayers billions of dollars. Stocks rise 100%.
 
5. Newly appointed Director of Government
Finance Rand Paul announces the abolition of
the IRS and displays a copy of the new Federal
Tax Return form. It consists of one page. The
instructions consist of two pages. The Federal
Reserve is audited. The move saves American
Taxpayers billions of dollars and increases tax revenue.
 
6. Hillary Clinton is in prison, where she belongs.
Her cell is directly across from Jesse Jackson and
Al Sharpton who are serving time for "Hate
Crimes". She bitches at them constantly from
behind the bars of her cell in what some call cruel
and unusual punishment.
 
7. Bernie Sanders is in the nuthouse, where he
belongs. His room is directly across from Nancy
Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chris Matthews
and Al Franken. They meet for tea every day at
10 AM and discuss the success and benefits
of Communism and Socialism throughout the world.
They also wonder when the "Mothership" is going
to pick them up and return them to their home planets.
 
8. Windows 12 is released. It is designed for humans,
doesn’t try to satisfy the needs of every person on
the planet, doesn’t require a degree in Nuclear
Physics to operate and looks just like Windows 7
except it is easier to use.
 
9. Barack Obama flees the United States under
cover of darkness and returns to his homeland
of Kenya before his trial for treason begins. He
deplanes on a remote jungle airstrip. It was reported
that he was last seen wandering through the jungle
singing “Hakuna Matata” with a chimp named Commie.
 
10. Oscar Meyer announces the introduction of a
new cholesterol and fat free pepperoni that tastes
just like regular pepperoni.
 
11. Not to be outdone, Kraft Foods announces the
introduction of several varieties of cholesterol and
fat free cheeses that taste just like regular cheese.
 
12. A committee is not established to determine
what is causing global cooling. Billions of taxpayer
dollars are saved.
 
13. Dead people are no longer allowed to vote in
Chicago, a huge blow for the Democrat Party in the
State of Illinois.
 
And this my friends constitutes THE PERFECT DAY!

 

And this is just the FIRST DAY!!

[Dral]

21 hours ago, Heretic said:

THE DONALD’S FIRST DAY IN OFFICE
 
1. President Donald Trump and Vice President Marco  Rubio are sworn into office.
 
2. In a rare event on inauguration day, Congress 

 

convenes for an emergency meeting to repeal the
illegal and unconstitutional Socialist healthcare
farce known as Obamacare. The new Director of
Health and Social Services Dr. Ben Carson announces
that an independent group of healthcare management
professionals is hired to handle healthcare services
for poor and low income people. They are also
assigned the duty of eliminating Medicare and
Medicaid fraud. Government’s costs for public
healthcare are reduced by 90%. Healthcare
insurance premiums for working Americans are
reduced by 50%. The move saves billions of
taxpayer paid dollars. Healthcare service in
the U.S improves 100%.

3. Newly appointed Department of Homeland
Security Chief Ted Cruz announces the immediate
deployment of troops to the U.S. Mexico border
to control illegal immigration and the immediate
deportation of illegals with criminal records or
links to terrorist groups. New bio-encrypted Social
Security IDs are required by every American citizen.
Birthright is abolished. All immigration from countries
that represent a threat to the safety of American
citizens is terminated indefinitely. The move saves
American taxpayers billions of dollars. Several
prisons are closed.
 
4. Newly appointed Secretary of Business and
Economic Development Carly Fiorina eliminates
more than half of the Government agencies
operating under the Obama administration
saving taxpayers billions of dollars. Stocks rise 100%.
 
5. Newly appointed Director of Government
Finance Rand Paul announces the abolition of
the IRS and displays a copy of the new Federal
Tax Return form. It consists of one page. The
instructions consist of two pages. The Federal
Reserve is audited. The move saves American
Taxpayers billions of dollars and increases tax revenue.
 
6. Hillary Clinton is in prison, where she belongs.
Her cell is directly across from Jesse Jackson and
Al Sharpton who are serving time for "Hate
Crimes". She bitches at them constantly from
behind the bars of her cell in what some call cruel
and unusual punishment.
 
7. Bernie Sanders is in the nuthouse, where he
belongs. His room is directly across from Nancy
Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chris Matthews
and Al Franken. They meet for tea every day at
10 AM and discuss the success and benefits
of Communism and Socialism throughout the world.
They also wonder when the "Mothership" is going
to pick them up and return them to their home planets.
 
8. Windows 12 is released. It is designed for humans,
doesn’t try to satisfy the needs of every person on
the planet, doesn’t require a degree in Nuclear
Physics to operate and looks just like Windows 7
except it is easier to use.
 
9. Barack Obama flees the United States under
cover of darkness and returns to his homeland
of Kenya before his trial for treason begins. He
deplanes on a remote jungle airstrip. It was reported
that he was last seen wandering through the jungle
singing “Hakuna Matata” with a chimp named Commie.
 
10. Oscar Meyer announces the introduction of a
new cholesterol and fat free pepperoni that tastes
just like regular pepperoni.
 
11. Not to be outdone, Kraft Foods announces the
introduction of several varieties of cholesterol and
fat free cheeses that taste just like regular cheese.
 
12. A committee is not established to determine
what is causing global cooling. Billions of taxpayer
dollars are saved.
 
13. Dead people are no longer allowed to vote in
Chicago, a huge blow for the Democrat Party in the
State of Illinois.
 
And this my friends constitutes THE PERFECT DAY!

 

 

 

And this is just the FIRST DAY!!

 

 

So was this posted somewhere by someone who believed all this or something?

[JAY JAY]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico

arguing about which country had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge

and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican
woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely
'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he
could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican
woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable'
tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able
to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican
woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree,
yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both
came to the same conclusion. Apparently, Tiger
Woods was right, when he said, 'The further you are from home
the harder your pecker gets’!!!

[JAY JAY]

Wrong Approach

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,

"You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.

I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house,

I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet,

jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say,

'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

[JAY JAY]

Golf Massage

 

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward

a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch,

fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes,"

he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,

and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[falcon45ca]

What do you call Silence of the Lambs in New Foundland?

 

Shut up Ewes!

[JAY JAY]

Crowded in Heaven

 

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

 

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man.

"I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

 

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

 

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator ..."

 

[JAY JAY]

Paddy is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. 

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
 
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.
 
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
 
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.
 
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.  Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
 
Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?"

 

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You’re kidding — you mean it can whistle, too?”

[JAY JAY]

The Dress

 

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Need's ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Poor bugger never even heard the gunshot.

[JAY JAY]

The Magic Mirror

 

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror.

If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted.
However, if one tells a lie then with a  "POOF"  you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

 

So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says,

"I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."

  "POOF"  The mirror swallows her.

 

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says,
"I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."

"POOF"  The mirror swallows her.

 

Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says,

"I think. . . ."

 

"POOF"

 

[JAY JAY]

A Koala, a Lizard and a Joint

 

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala!  What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.

Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

 

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Fuuuuuuck, dude...How much water did you drink!?'

 

[Twilight Sparkle]

wut do you call an asteroid thats made out of beef. a meateor!