Cheesy Joke Thread

[JAY JAY]

Blonde at a Bus Stop

 

In the city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus.

She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

 

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

 

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

 

[Heretic]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[ShakyWalton]

Two salesmen are traveling in the country when their car breaks down. The only house around for miles was a large mansion. They knock on the door and a beautiful widow answers the door. Since it is early evening and the garage will not be opened until morning, she offers to let them spend the night in the guest bedrooms.

In the morning they call the tow truck and leave.

About three months later salesman number one opens a letter and can't believe what he reads. He goes to salesman number two and says "When we spent the night at the widow's mansion, did you sneak away into her bedroom in the middle of the night?" "Why, yes I did".

"And did you use my name?" "Why, yes how did you know?" "Well, it seems she died and left me her 5 million dollar estate!"

[Guest]

On April 6, 2016 at 10:19 AM, JAY JAY said:

Name That Restaurant

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very
highly..'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
 
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
 
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
 
'Do you mean a rose?'
 
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to
last night?

 

Hahahahahahaha

[nux4lyfe]

A man walks in to a bar..........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(That's the joke..He walked in to a bar.)

[Lillooet_Hillbilly]

Why did god give women yeast infections?

 

so they would know what it's like to live with an annoying..............

[Dral]

I miss the funny pics thread

[Heretic]

GOLF CART INCIDENT 

Many years ago, during my first marriage, I accidentally overturned my golf cart while on holiday in Spain.

 

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Chris, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

“Chris," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest for a few minutes and I'll help you get the cart upright later."

"That's really nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ...

I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative G&Ts, I thanked Elizabeth . "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really pissed off. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I think."

[JAY JAY]

Delivery

 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father, without the need for any physical connection.

He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

[Kragar]

What cheese is made backwards?

 

 

 

 

Edam

[JAY JAY]

A Scot's Logic

 

A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Doctor shouted to them, "I've  never seen such poor golf!"

The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen  minutes!"

The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."

The Priest said, "Here comes George the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

 

"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

George the green-keeper  replied, "Oh, yes.. That's a group of blind fire fighters.  

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to." The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.

 

Then the Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Doctor  said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."

The Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."

 

And the Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?

[ShakyWalton]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

"The balcony".......

[Kragar]

Where do mathematicians go on Sundays?

 

 

 

 

Anglican church.

[thejazz97]

A man goes to the doctor in the year 1813 with a broken hand

The doctor tells him his hand will heal fully.

The man asks "Once it's healed, will I be able to play the accordion?"

The doctor says "Yes, you'll be able to play the accordion."

The man says "That's incredible! It won't be invented for another 9 years!"

[ShakyWalton]

137 lemmings walk into a bar.

Ouch.
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[Guest]

There are 10 types of people. Those who can read binary and those who can't.

[jdatb]

21 hours ago, Stamkos said:

There are 10 types of people. Those who can read binary and those who can't.

There are three kinds of people. Those who can do math and those who can't

[Heretic]

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six  extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit ?"

 

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?

[JAY JAY]

Never Assume That Men Understand

 

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the
monitor whenever she touched her there..

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'

 

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

 

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

 

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

 

[JAY JAY]

Take Your Choice

 

Already Posted

Edited May 4, 2016 by JAY JAY