Cheesy Joke Thread

[JAY JAY]

Caution - Adult Joke

 

Alien Sex

 

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.

With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.

How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.

All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 

[JAY JAY]

1, 2, 3

 

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?"

 

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on."

 

The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked.

 

"I couldn't even get on the fracking bed"

[JAY JAY]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the

bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...

 

"You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket!

[JAY JAY]

Noise Complaint

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor."

"Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

 

[JAY JAY]

A Little Old Lady

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.

She proclaimed, "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join.

So the biker asked her, "You have a bike?"

The little old lady said, "Yea, that's my Harley over there," and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asked her, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady said "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asked, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

 

The little old lady said, "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[JAY JAY]

Caution - Adult Joke

 

Two In Silence

 

Two deaf people get married.

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

 

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

 

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

 

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

[ShakyWalton]

Caution - Adult Joke

 

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days". The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms". The druggist says "Well if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days". The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer". The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week".

[ShakyWalton]

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice.

The vet tells him that the parrot has too long of a beak to speak, but that he could file it down for $100. The parrot's owner thought that this was rather expensive. The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure. If he does not file enough, the bird still won't be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot. Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He enquires about the parrot. The man replies that his parrot is dead.

"Did you try to file his beak?" asked the vet. The man nods his head. "And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"

"No" replied the parrot's owner "he was dead when I took his head out of the vise".

[JAY JAY]

On 2016-06-09 at 9:58 AM, ShakyWalton said:

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice.

The vet tells him that the parrot has too long of a beak to speak, but that he could file it down for $100. The parrot's owner thought that this was rather expensive. The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure. If he does not file enough, the bird still won't be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water.

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot. Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He enquires about the parrot. The man replies that his parrot is dead.

"Did you try to file his beak?" asked the vet. The man nods his head. "And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"

"No" replied the parrot's owner "he was dead when I took his head out of the vise".

[JAY JAY]

Sex on the Sabbath

A man questions if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

 

He goes to a priest for his opinion on this question.

The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted

the Sabbath."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

 

He goes to a minister... a married man, experienced? for the answer.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply.

Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and

knowledge: a rabbi.

 

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

 

The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

[Heretic]

Long Live The Irish!

 

A group of American tourists entered a 300 year old pub in Cork, Ireland. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice:
"I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.
 
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. And no one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, 
"Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000.
"Grand" replied the Irishman. "So pour the pints and start the clock."

It was very close, but the last drop was consumed with 15 seconds to spare.  
"OK Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

Ruefully, the stunned American replied:
"I'll honour the bet, here's your money....
But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?"
"Well sir," replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went
to the pub across the road first to see if I could do it.”

[ShakyWalton]

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say..'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend

Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[ShakyWalton]

A couple of condom jokes....

 

A vet received a phone call very late one Saturday night. "Please come quick" a very agitated voice on the other end said. "My dog has swallowed a condom". "Is he in distress?" the vet asked". "You don't understand" the voice said. "My dog has swallowed a condom".

"Yes, but unless the thing has lodged in his throat it will probably pass through his system without harming the animal". "Please come quick" the voice went on undeterred. "The dog has swallowed a condom and my girlfriend is getting very distressed".

Eventually the vet gave in and promised that he would come round right away. He was just putting his coat on when the phone rang again. "About the dog that swallowed the condom" said the voice, it was a lot calmer now. "Panic over, we've found another one in the drawer".

 

 

Two kindergarteners were talking outside: one said "You won't believe what I saw on the patio yesterday... a condom!" The second kid asked "What's a 'patio'?"

[JAY JAY]

Paddy

 

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him
 
Paddy got sacked from a job as a bingo caller the other day.  
Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69
 
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy.

He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

[JAY JAY]

A Blonde

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
 
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
 
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[JAY JAY]

Sensitivity

 

Three men were working up on a cell phone tower in Alberta, Chad, Pete and Rob.

As they start their descent Chad slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

Rob says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Pilsner.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, Rob?"

"Chad's wife gave it to me," Rob replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Rob says.

"When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Chad's widow."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."

Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Pilsner you are."

Men are good at that sensitive stuff

[JAY JAY]

Beer

 

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.

 

[RWMc1]

What's orange and lies in the ditch?.................Wounded cheezie!

 

What's green and smells like pulled pork?..................Kermit's fingers.....(awkward pause).....Kermit's fingers.

 

AAHHHH, you don't know what's funny!

[RWMc1]

This one is for the lesbians.

 

A rough mean looking dog walks up to a bar. His right arm hangs a little awkwardly.

His gun is holstered on the left side He checks to make sure the gun slides out easily.

He bangs through the swinging doors and surveys the patrons as they gaze back nervously.

He walks up to the bar, orders a double shot of whiskey, and downs it in one gulp.

He stares down the patrons once again.

He turns to the bartender and says "I'm looking for the woman who shot my maw!!!"..........(awkward pause)............. ..................................."I'm looking for the woman who shot my maw."

 

AAAHHHHH, you don't know what's funny!

[JAY JAY]

A Good Night

 

I had one of the best and wildest nights of my life last night.

She was screaming "give it to me, give it to me now."

She was literally begging for it.

I've never experienced that much emotion and intensity before.

"I'm really wet, give it to me now", she screamed.

But no matter how much she begged and screamed,

 

I wasn't giving her my umbrella.