Cheesy Joke Thread

[JAY JAY]

Advice

 

A young wanna-be stud is vacationing alone in Hawaii.

He hits the beach, hoping to meet some young ladies.

Much to his surprise, they all seem to be drawn to an old guy a little further down the shoreline.

Our friend goes back to the hotel, hoping for better luck that night in a night-club.

 

So he goes to the club, and he sees the same old man, surrounded by beautiful women.

He pulls the old guy aside, and asked, " man, what's your secret?"

The old man replies, " I saw you on the beach today and I felt sorry for you.

So I'll give you a tip. Try putting a pair of socks down your trunks."

 

The young man is thankful for the advice, and can't wait for the next day to try his luck again.

So, the next morning he goes out to the beach again, with a clean pair of socks neatly tucked into his trunks.

But the girls only smile at him and move on.

He then sees the old man again, completely surrounded, of course, by beautiful women.

That night, he finds the old man again, and asks for more help.

The wise old man responds with another fine tip.

 

"Next time son, put the socks in the FRONT! of your trunks."

 

[JAY JAY]

Caution: Adult Joke

 

Wheelchair Fun

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor dear was several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her eccentric behavior, and some of them even joined in the fun.

One day Ethel was speeding along one of the corridors when a man stepped out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched: "Stop!" he said firmly. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she handed to him with a big smile.

"OK," he said, and off she went again.

Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she found another man standing in the corridor in front of her. "Stop!" he said firmly, "Have you got a valid registration for that vehicle, madam?"

Ethel dug into her handbag again and came up with a well-used beer coaster, which she presented for inspection.

She was sent on her way once more.

Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her.

He was stark naked, and holding a sizable erection in one hand.

 

"Oh, no," cried Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

 

[JAY JAY]

Deaf

 

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?"

The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing.

Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question.

If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again.

Keep repeating this until she answers.

That way we can see how bad the problem is."

The man goes home, sees his wife and says, "Hi honey, what's for dinner?"

He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

He repeats this several times, until he's standing right next to her.

 

Finally, she answers, "For the tenth time, I said we're having Pot Roast!"

 

[JAY JAY]

The Honeymoon

 

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms.

The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door.

It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.

Luanne is set to goes to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action.

And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times.

I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once.

You're a great lover, Morris!"

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says...

 

"WHAT?...You mean I was here already?!"

 

[ShakyWalton]

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pyjamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up".

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologises for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas...?"

His wife smiles and says "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box".

[RWMc1]

Not mine, but the king of cheesy jokes.

 

Edited June 24, 2016 by RWMc1

[Lillooet_Hillbilly]

On 23/06/2016 at 10:41 AM, ShakyWalton said:

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pyjamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up".

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologises for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks "Did you have a good trip, dear?" The man replies "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas...?"

His wife smiles and says "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box".

I've heard way to many stories like this about hunting and forgetting to take their gun

[JAY JAY]

Golf Challenge

 

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon.

He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

 

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly.

He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

 

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot.

There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said,

"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

 

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

 

 

[Twilight Sparkle]

so a  man is gonna have sex with a sexy lady friend, and he pulls out a frog

 

the sexy lady friend s asks, hay wuts the gfrog for

 

the guy wa about to speak but the frog cuts him off and says, i'm ribbited for your pleasure

 

 

[ShakyWalton]

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely.

Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?" The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly.

She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness" the flight attendant says "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly". "I'm not afraid of flying" says the man sobbing loudly "I'm trying to give up drinking".

[JAY JAY]

Captain Smithers

 

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office.

His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head - a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

 

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games.

I have researched the history of.............................."

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file.

 

Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go frack herself."

 

[JAY JAY]

10 Inch Bic

 

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke.

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.

He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.

Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"

The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie" The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"

Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"

"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants

The man says " I want a Million Bucks "

The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head.

The guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't He?"

 

The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

[ShakyWalton]

The guy who owned the Odeon Cinema Group has died. His funeral is next Friday at 2.10, 4.20 and 8.40.

[ShakyWalton]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. T their next appointment the doctor said to Morris "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied "Just doing what you said Doc - Get a hot mamma and be cheerful". The doctor said "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur, be careful!"

[TimberWolf]

On 7/5/2016 at 8:14 AM, JAY JAY said:

10 Inch Bic

 

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke.

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.

He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.

Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"

The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie" The first man asks "Can I make a wish?"

Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"

"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants

The man says " I want a Million Bucks "

The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head.

The guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't He?"

 

The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

 

Heard that one but it was a guy with a tiny piano player who didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist 

[Salacious Crumb]

How do you track Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prince.

[Tortorella's Rant]

Just bought condoms and the cashier asked if l needed a bag.

Told him, "no, she's not that ugly."

[LaBamba]

If you don't follow @anijokeapple on Twitter. I suggest you do. She is a blast. 

 

home is where u can look ugly & enjoy it

 

the thicker ur thighs are the more snacks you can lay on your lap

 

"Your storage is full" thanks Apple, I'll just go delete some photos of my friends and family but at least I'll always have the stocks app

 

my favorite part of the day is when i get to go to bed

 

I have to plug my phone in so much throughout the day, I basically have a landline again.

 

"ur gonna hate yourself in the morning if u stay up late" 

 

jokes on u im gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what

 

guy: talk dirty to me

me: the ocean is filled with plastic and sewage and the coral reef will be dead in 20 years because of the filth

 

whoever thinks money doesn't buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account

 

i wish laying in bed all day made me rich

 

taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up? in thirty minutes? in 2 hours? in 7 years?? no one can be sure

 

im naturally funny cause my whole life is a joke

 

so tired of looking in my wallet and not finding $10,000

 

my morning routine includes 10 minutes of sitting on my bed and thinking about how tired i am

 

if u insult me i will probably agree

 

i dont understand why people need to do drugs or party in order to have fun, have you tried mac n cheese

 

Comic genius 

Edited July 11, 2016 by LaBamba

[Salacious Crumb]

If you saw 3 potatoes standing on a corner how would you know which one was the prostitue? The one that says i da ho.

[Tre Mac]

My ex has more baggage than YVR in December.