Cheesy Joke Thread

[ShakyWalton]

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it... mainly because it was a so-so job.

Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I then attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout centre, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

 

[riffraff]

[kylecanuck]

How do you get an elephant into a safeway bag?

 

 

you take the S out of safe, and the F out of way....

Edited July 24, 2016 by kylecanuck

[Salacious Crumb]

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a hooker with diarrhea? One shucks between fits and one...

[Guest]

On July 24, 2016 at 0:53 PM, kylecanuck said:

How do you get an elephant into a safeway bag?

 

 

you take the S out of safe, and the F out of way....

There is no F in way

 

There is no effin' way.

 

I absolutely love this joke!

[Salacious Crumb]

What does 80 year old pussy taste like? ...depends

[kylecanuck]

On July 26, 2016 at 9:23 PM, Stamkos said:

There is no F in way

 

There is no effin' way.

 

I absolutely love this joke!

 

 

Im here all night 

[TNucks1]

why did the mexican man push his wife off a bridge,  TEQUILA.

[ShakyWalton]

A couple from a circus goes to an adoption agency, but social workers have doubts about their suitability. They produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed a fulltime tutor who'll teach the child all the subjects.

There are then doubts expressed about the child's healthy upbringing. "Our full-time nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet" they reply.

The social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were hoping to adopt. "It doesn't really matter" they say "so long as he fits nicely into the cannon".

[Salacious Crumb]

What do you call a blonde with a brain? 

 

golden retriever

[Lillooet_Hillbilly]

what did the hat say to the scarf?

you can hang around i'll go on a head

[ShakyWalton]

A man went into the pet shop I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder he said.

I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled.

I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay said the customer. I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible. I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine said the pet shop owner. I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it. Sorry said the customer I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off.

[Heretic]

Irish hole diggers

 

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"

[JAY JAY]

Bob, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde.

The woman knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.

'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

 

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

[JAY JAY]

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

 

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

[JAY JAY]

Lorrie and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.

That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

 

'Just take two,' his Mother replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

[JAY JAY]

Tickle Me Elmo Toys

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

 

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

 

 

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[JAY JAY]

Terrorist

 

Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed a terrorist slip from the quayside and fall into the water.

 

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying.

If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.

 

Being a responsible Canadian citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.

 

It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded.

 

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

[JAY JAY]

A day without sunshine is like night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

 

[RWMc1]

Sorry about this. This is not a joke, rather it is a complaint against the disposable lighter industry. They destroyed an entire line of jokes with malice and no remorse.

Before these lighters, when anyone wanted to light a smoke of any kind, people would ask "Do you have a match?". Now they ask "Do you have a light?". No more joke setups.

 

People would ask "Do you have a match?" we would answer "Yeah, my fart your breath." or "My butt your face." Then people started using more colourful answers like "Your teeth my toenails" and it went on and on. Now no set up no joke.