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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.

As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped.

The driver got out, came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.

She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.

Edited by ShakyWalton
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A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and sure enough ends up in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows though its 3AM!

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!?" He says "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her".

"Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

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Lifesavers
 
 
An elementary school teacher was teaching her class on the subject of taste.
 
She handed out lifesavers to the children to see if they could identify the taste by the colour.

 

The very young children began to identify the flavors by their colour:
 
 
Red.........................Cherry

Yellow..................Lemon

Green..................Lime

Orange...............Orange
 
 
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
 
None of the children could identify the taste.
 
 
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue.
 
 
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
 
 
 

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled,
 
 
 
'Oh my God! They're ass holes!'
 
 
The teacher had to leave the room!
 

 

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A man receives the following text message from his neighbour. "I'm so sorry, Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess that I've been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you! I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it will not happen again. If you want, I will pay you for services.. The man, mad with rage, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead. A few moments later, a second text came in. "Damn auto correct! I meant for your 'wifi' not your 'WIFE'".

Edited by ShakyWalton
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George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max, the bald man who had cleaned him out. As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said sarcastically "Your head feels just like my wife's arse". Max put a hand to his head and said "By crikey, mate. You're right. It does!"

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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said "What a beautiful baby". The mother said "Why, thank you, Johnnie" Johnnie said "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?" "Yes" the mother replied "We are so thankful, the doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.''

"That's great" said Little Johnnie "'coz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses!"

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A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?" The farmer replied "No, I didn't knowd that". The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said "To Memphis". The cop said "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis". So the farmer promised he would. Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis". And to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun that I'm taking him to the circus!"

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A Saskatchewan farmer and his wife, on their way back home in January, are at an airport in Arizona awaiting their flight. 
They were dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens . all ready to head home to the Canadian winter.

An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress. 
The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they are from?"

He replies, "How would I know?" 
She counters, "You could go and ask them." 
He says, "I do not really care. You want to know, you go and ask them."

She decides to do just that and walks over to the couple and asks, 
"Excuse me. Looking at the way you are dressed, I wondered . where you are from?"

The Canadian farmer replies, " Saskatoon, Saskatchewan".

The woman returns to her husband, who asks, "So, where are they from?"

 

 

She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English

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We had a power cut at home this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad and my new home theatre setup all shut down. Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like quite a nice person.

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At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank Heavens!" he cries out in relief... "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this" he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens, man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

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A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."

The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster... faster... BUMPBUMPBUMP.

He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man.

The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.

With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything... all he can find is a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin...

Suddenly... the coffin stops.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied "No" and the duck said "Good! Got any grapes?"

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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?   

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don' t have one? 

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that. 

Officer: Why not? 

Older Woman: I stole this car. 

Officer: Stole it? 

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk

if you want to see 


The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car

and calls for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 

Officer 2: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir? 

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

 

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license

The woman digs into her handbag, pulls out a clutch purse and

hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license.

He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me

you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. 


Don't Mess With Old Ladies
.

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On 4/6/2016 at 2:36 PM, Heretic said:

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

 

On 11/11/2016 at 9:35 AM, ShakyWalton said:

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied "No" and the duck said "Good! Got any grapes?"

 

:P

 

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A newspaper editor offered a reward for people who phoned in with news stories. The editor received a call from someone saying that a truck had lost its brakes on a hill and, after picking up great speed, had crashed into and demolished a house. "I'm not interested" he said. "That sort of thing happens all the time. It's not news". "I know what you mean and I thought you might feel that way but you'll probably be more interested..." said the caller "when I tell you that it was your house".

Edited by ShakyWalton
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  • 2 weeks later...

What Is a 710?

 

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage.

A blonde came in and asked for a seven hundred & ten.

 
We all looked at each other. Another customer asked, 'What's a seven hundred & ten?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.

I've lost it and need a new one.
I don't know exactly what it is, but this piece had always been there.'

 
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
 
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked,

'Is there a 710 on this car?'.

 
She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.'

 

The mechanic fainted

.


 

 

 
If you're not sure what a 710 is...........

 


 

Scroll down


 


 

                                    

                             keep scrolling


 


 


 


R U ready?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


710.jpg


 

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Frank and Dianne were in a local shopping center just before Christmas. Dianne suddenly noticed that Frank was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Dianne asked, "Frank, where are you? You know that we have lots to do."
Frank said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you." Little tears started to flow down Dianne's cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to that."

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