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Ole on the Road

 

A road crew supervisor in Minnesota hired Ole to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji. The supervisor was skeptical about hiring him since Ole didn't have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and he told the supervisor that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so.


He explained to Ole that his work for the day would be to complete 2 miles of center line on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started. At the end of the day the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Ole that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress.


On the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Ole would pick up the pace again.


On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole completed painting only 1 mile of road. Ole was called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem.


"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Ole?"


"Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a smart man like you vould figger it out fer yourself.

 

Every day I get farder and farder avay from da paint can.

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The Golf Fence

 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

 

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.Thanks for telling me officer."

 

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

 

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know!. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'


 "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"


" Not everybody pays."

 

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1 hour ago, JAY JAY said:

The Golf Fence

 

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

 

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.Thanks for telling me officer."

 

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

 

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know!. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'


 "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"


" Not everybody pays."

 

:lol:

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis:ph34r:

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Age Perks

 

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

 

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12.You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

 

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

 
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

 

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Newfie Sports


Two Newfies walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.


George and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, George shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.'

 

Moment's later; Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

George watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

 

George is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head.

 

First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Bren and his fook'n hengliding!'

 

'Fook dat, lads.

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Dolly and the Queen


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.  The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and  I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
 
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.  The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.  Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
 
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about ?  I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in !   Would you explain that to me ?'

 

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a pair no matter how big they are.

 

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AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

 

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

 

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

 

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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The Blonde and the Ventriloquist

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK
jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes.

 

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?


What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?

 

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large...all in the name of humour."

 

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,

 

"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!" 

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Only a Farm Kid

 

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.


A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.  A boy, about 9, opened the door. 

 

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

 

"No, they went to town."

 

"How about your brother, Howard?  Is he here?"

 

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

 

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

 

Then the boy said, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

 

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. 

 

It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

 

 

The boy thought for a moment...  "You would have to talk to Dad about that. 

 

I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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Senior Drivers No Longer Need Driver's Licenses
 
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front  lawn.
  
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
  
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
  
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. 
 
"I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
  
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?" 
  
That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
  
I told him 'yes' and handed it to him.  He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying,
 
'You won't need this anymore'.  
 
So I thanked him and left!"
    
        
        


    


 
 

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor "Can I help you?" The man said "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

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The Jigsaw Puzzle

 

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

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3 Blonde Jokes

 

Blonde 1

 A blond  has become dreadfully overweight. She goes to the doctor and he decides to put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you'll probably be 5 pounds lighter."

The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she lost 20 pounds.

"That's amazing!" Said the doctor, "and you followed my instructions?"

The blond nodds, tiredly. "I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" Asked her doctor.

"No, silly, from the skipping!"

 

Blonde 2

A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms.

The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed his new flight attendant was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't get out of my room!"

“You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

 

Blonde 3
A manager walks by his blonde secretary's desk when he notices she is crying her eyes out. Concerned for her well being, he asked her gently: "What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my aunt had passed away.”

The boss, feeling very sorry for her, suggests to the young girl. “Why don’t you take a day, go home and rest. We're not very busy, so just take this time for yourself.

The blonde very calmly replies “No, I’d be better off here. It's good to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything just let me know.”

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, “What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?”

“No”, exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that HER aunt died too!”

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Broccoli Casserole
 
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.


The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
 
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
 
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!'

A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
 
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she sh!ts on you!'

 

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Get Jiggy With It

 

A young lad from Glovertown , Newfoundland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has foolishly squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.

They actually have a program here in St. John's that could teach our dog "Jiggy" how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says, 'How do I get Jiggy in that program?'

'Just send him in here with $1200,' the young lad says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog "Jiggy" and $1200.

 

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.

The young lad calls home. 'So how's Jiggy doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.

They've had such good results with talking they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?!' exclaims his father, 'No kidding! How do we get our Jiggy in that program?'

'Just send $2300. I'll get him in the class for sure.'

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's my Jiggy? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the young lad says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jiggy was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Toronto Star. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead working at the grocery store?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

 

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Muahahahahahahaaa!

 

Lipstick in school - Aussie style

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip-prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

 

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip-prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip-prints on the mirror.

 

There are teachers ...... and then there are educators

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A retiree and his aged wife started having problems in remembering, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the wife got up from her chair and her retired husband asks "Where are you going?" She replies "To the kitchen". He asks "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" She replies "Sure". He then asks "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" She says "No, I can remember that".

He then says "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that". She says "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries".

He replies "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down". With irritation in her voice, she says "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that!"

She then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes she returns from the kitchen and hands him a plate of bacon and eggs. He stares at the plate for a moment and says "You forgot my toast!"

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1 hour ago, ShakyWalton said:

A retiree and his aged wife started having problems in remembering, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the wife got up from her chair and her retired husband asks "Where are you going?" She replies "To the kitchen". He asks "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" She replies "Sure". He then asks "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" She says "No, I can remember that".

He then says "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that". She says "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries".

He replies "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down". With irritation in her voice, she says "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that!"

She then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes she returns from the kitchen and hands him a plate of bacon and eggs. He stares at the plate for a moment and says "You forgot my toast!"

:lol:::D  Good one, Centurion.

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