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A guy takes a leak in a public bathroom. Looks to his left and sees the guy next to him has a donkey dong. Asks how he got it so big.  Guy says he rubs it down every day will lard.  Dude goes home and rubs it down every day......two months later he sees the same guy at the same bathroom.  Says hey man I did what you told me to do but it’s gotten smaller!   Buddy asks “ what did you use?”  Dude says “crisco”.  Buddy says “ oh man, don’t you know, crisco is shortening!”   

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On 5/13/2018 at 10:36 PM, Heretic said:

 

Gotta Love Frank

 

 

 

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

 

Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence and distance.

 

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

 

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.

 

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.

 

 

Love it.  

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Received this today, and had to share... The Three Kick Rule

 

An English lawyer went duck hunting in The Dales . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Yorkshire. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. 

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

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  • 4 weeks later...

A guy went up to his father saying:
"Dad, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.. Sandra is actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later ...
Son: Dad, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father: That's great son. Who is it?
Son: It's Angela, The other neighbor’s daughter.
Father: Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father”
Son, fainted...

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump, and Justin Trudeau all die and wind up in Hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the Devil
informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque..

Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the Devil informs him that the cost is
6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.

Finally Trudeau has his turn and calls Canada for 4 hours.
When he's finished, the Devil informs him that there would be
No Charge and to feel free to call Canada anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the Devil why Trudeau got to call
Canada for free.

The Devil replied, " Since Justin Trudeau became Prime Minister of
Canada, the country has gone to Hell, so it's a local call! "

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  • 3 weeks later...

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