RWMc1 Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 (edited) Edited July 6, 2020 by RWMc1 Link to comment
Gurn Posted August 2, 2020 Share Posted August 2, 2020 On Friday I called The National Council On The Status Of Women, asked to speak to the man in charge; boy did they get pissed. Link to comment
Brock A Leg Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 What do you get when Batman and Robin get run over by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon Link to comment
Gurn Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 I've spent the last 3 years looking for my ex- wife's killer, so far no takers. 1 Link to comment
chon derry Posted September 5, 2020 Share Posted September 5, 2020 2 hours ago, gurn said: I've spent the last 3 years looking for my ex- wife's killer, so far no takers. 1 Link to comment
Gollumpus Posted October 24, 2020 Share Posted October 24, 2020 (edited) Henrik: "Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana... I don't get it, Danny." Daniel: ..................................... regards, G. Edited October 24, 2020 by Gollumpus 1 Link to comment
Gollumpus Posted November 1, 2020 Share Posted November 1, 2020 (edited) Do you know how to keep someone in suspense...? regards, G. Edited November 1, 2020 by Gollumpus 1 Link to comment
Heretic Posted November 1, 2020 Share Posted November 1, 2020 A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake. The owner of the farm shouted: "Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars. The silence was deafening. Suddenly, a man jumped into the water. He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed. The owner announced: "We have a winner!!!". After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room. The man tells his wife: "I did not jump in myself ... Someone pushed me !!!" His wife smiled and said coldly: "It was me!" Moral of the story: "Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push" Link to comment
DarthMelvin Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 Why don't they play poker in the jungle? Spoiler To many CHEETAHS Link to comment
Heretic Posted December 5, 2020 Share Posted December 5, 2020 One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs. No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean.." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course too?" 1 2 Link to comment
Gollumpus Posted December 6, 2020 Share Posted December 6, 2020 So, this guy retired, and he decided to book a cruise to the Caribbean, As this was his first time going on a cruise, and not knowing what to expect, he decided to go with a real cut rate organization. After he made the arrangements, and paid, the travel agent said, "Come this way," and led the man into a back room which was dark, and then the lights went out... The man woke up chained to a bench with a large oar in front of him. As he was gathering his wits a slave driver came by and started whipping him, and stopped only when the man started to pull on the oar. After a few hours, the man asked a guy chained up beside him, "Hey, do we get to play shuffleboard on this cruise?" The other man said, "Well, we didn't on last year's cruise." regards, G. Link to comment
Kragar Posted December 30, 2020 Share Posted December 30, 2020 Homer Simpson's favorite toy as a child? Spoiler Play-D'oh! Homer Simpson's favorite soda? Spoiler Mountain D'ew! Homer Simpson's favorite Mexican food (hint: also his favorite band)? Spoiler Menud'oh! Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream? Spoiler cookie d'oh! ok, I'll stop now. 2 Link to comment
Kragar Posted March 5, 2021 Share Posted March 5, 2021 Did you know that Vietnamese restaurants aren't doing well in Britain. While they do get occasional customers, diners especially avoid those places when they get busy... Spoiler as they take offense at the "Pho Queue" sign Link to comment
Master Mind Posted March 25, 2021 Share Posted March 25, 2021 My wife asked why the bottle of wine we opened yesterday is already half empty. I told her because she's a pessimist. 2 Link to comment
Heretic Posted April 20, 2021 Share Posted April 20, 2021 A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You, O.K.?" she asks. "Yes!" he replies. "You can go and play with the other kids, you know," she offers. "It's best I stay here." he says. "Why's that, sweetie?" asks the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie!" 3 Link to comment
Heretic Posted April 22, 2021 Share Posted April 22, 2021 Three contractors are bidding to repair a fence at the Parliament Buildings One is from Montreal, another is from Winnipeg and the third is from Vancouver. All three go with a public works official to examine the fence. The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil ."Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me. The Winnipeg contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." The Montreal contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$27,000." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure" The Montreal contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Winnipeg to repair the fence.” "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how Government contracts work. 3 Link to comment
Gurn Posted April 26, 2021 Share Posted April 26, 2021 Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space. Man goes to his doctor "Doc you have to help me, I'm addicted to twitter". Doc says " Sorry, I don't follow you......" 3 Link to comment
Master Mind Posted April 26, 2021 Share Posted April 26, 2021 The world champion tongue twister just got arrested. I hear they'll give him a really tough sentence. 1 Link to comment
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