Jump to content
The Official Site of the Vancouver Canucks
Canucks Community

Cheesy Joke Thread

Rate this topic


Salter

Recommended Posts

On 7/7/2012 at 8:07 PM, Guest BuckFoston said:

My dad has this really bad one that he always tells.

 

"How do you separate men from boys in Greece...? With a crowbar!"

 

And you just stand there thinking, oh my god, father... did you really just say this.

it was a crowbar and a bucket of ice cubes when I

heard it

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR...

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.

 

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says," 168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious..So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Trudeau?”

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes  

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. 

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said ...

 
 

 

 
 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

.

 

.

 

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS." 

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...

Breaking News!!

 

Due to public outcry regarding waterboarding, the CIA has been searching for years for a suitable replacement technique.

 

Look out people, they are now subjecting people to dogboarding!

 

They hang you upside down and let a dog lick your face until you crack.

 

Hanging The Vamps GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman

 

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya go?"

"I won First Place !," said Snow White.

 

They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

"I won First Place , too," answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"

 

They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest - Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Who the hell is Justin Trudeau?" asked Pinocchio.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment

A Day in the Morgue

 

Three male bodies arrive at the morgue with big smiles frozen on their lifeless faces.

The coroner calls the detective to ask what happened to the men.

"First body: Frenchman. Age 60. Died of Congestive Heart Failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, said the detective.

"Second body: Scottish. Age 25. Won one thousand dollars on the slot machines and spent it all on Old Single Malt Scotch Whisky.  Died of acute alcohol poisoning. Hence going out with a smile."

The Coroner asked, "What about the third body, it’s badly burned but he still has a smile on his face?"

"Ah," said the detective, "This is the most unusual one:  Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada.  Age 45.  He was struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asked the Coroner. 

 

"He thought someone was taking his picture

  • Haha 2
  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...
On 9/7/2021 at 1:09 PM, Heretic said:

I'm going to stand outside.

 

 

 

So if anyone asks,

 

 

 

 

I am outstanding.

That sort of activity usually requires a lot of space, so I recommend doing it in a field, perhaps one which you have purchased.

 

                                                              regards,  G.

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
On 4/26/2021 at 1:22 PM, gurn said:

Where did Dr. Hook get his hook?

The second hand store.

 

Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail?

The retail store.

I believe I've previously posted the following:

 

Two pirate captains were having a drink before they were each to set sail for extended voyages in different parts of the seas. They agree to meet in a year's time to compare tales of their adventures...

 

The first captain arrives. He is dressed in all sorts of finery, silk, satin, jewels, high grade leather and furs, and with rare feathers for his hat. He is carrying a high quality sword at his side

 

The second captain arrives, looking terrible. His clothing is torn, dirty, and stained with his blood. He is missing his left leg (replaced with a peg leg), his right hand (replaced by an iron hook) and there's a patch over his right eye.

 

The first captain is shocked, and presses a mug of rum into his friend's hands. "What has happened to ye?" says the first captain.

 

The second captain replies, "Well, in the first week from when we left port, we set upon a large, fat merchant ship which was riding low in the water, so we knew there would be a great deal of treasure when we took her. Sadly, she had a good crew, and lots of cannon, and they fended us off. We were hit by a broadside, and a cannon ball took me leg off at the knee. Sore painful it were, sore painful... but I've got me this wooden leg mow, and it serves me well."

 

"And what about the hook?" asked the first captain.

 

The second captain replied, "A few months later, we were set upon by a man-o-war from the king's navy. We were fending off their boarding party, and I was fighting their first officer, a man who is very good with the sword. Just as we were making a break for open water, he took me hand off at the wrist. Sore painful it were, sore painful... but I have this iron hook now, and it serves me well."

 

The first captain then asked, "And what about the eye. How did you lose that?"

 

"Seagull $&!#," replied the second captain.

 

"Seagull $&!#?", asked the first captain.

 

"Aye, it was me first day with the new hook..."

 

                                                             regards,  G.

  • Haha 3
Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...