Cheesy Joke Thread

[Master Mind]

I accidentally put my wallet in the freezer last night.

 

Which turned out well because I needed some cold hard cash.

[Mrwipeout]

I once joined a dating site for arsonists.....They sent me a lot of matches...

[Heretic]

Wonderful story about sacrifice and savings

 

Essentially, it is about the basics of how to succeed in this dynamic life we live in.

Work hard, save your money, invest it wisely and don’t foolishly purchase what you don’t need… and you too can be a successful millionaire.

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walked to the corner for a shoeshine. He sat in an armchair, examined the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffed his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asked the CEO, “What do you think about the situation in the stock market?”

The businessman answered arrogantly, “Why are you so interested in that topic?”

The shoe guy replied, “I have millions in your bank and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”

“What’s your name?” asked the executive.

“John H. Smith,” was the reply.

The CEO arrived at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Service Department,

“Do we have a client named John H. Smith?

We certainly do,” answered the Manager. “He is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account.”

The astonished executive came out, approached the shoe shiner, and said, “Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our Board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I’m sure we could learn something from your life’s experience.”

At the board meeting, the CEO introduced him to the Board Members. “We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn from him.”

Mr. Smith began his story, “I came to this country 50 years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money and I also sold them and continued in business.

“When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing. I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

 

“Then, six months ago, my sister, who ran a whorehouse in Chicago, passed away and left me 12 million dollars.”

[Citizen Erased]

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 
 

Ten tickles.