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  • 3 weeks later...


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's

what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"


-Alan; The Hangover

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  • 1 month later...

Q: What did the psychiatrist say when a man walked in covered in only saran wrap?

A: I can clearly see your nuts!

Q: What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

A: Roberto

Q: Why did the elephant get kicked out of the pool?

A: They kept dropping their trunks!

Q: What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

A: A small medium at large!

:bigblush: This is fun.

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A dog goes to a newspaper to print an advertisement. He wants to sell one of his bones. The man at the paper asks what the dog wants the ad to say. "Woof woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof." the dog replies. "So, nine woofs?", the man asks, "You know, we charge a flat fee for the first 10 words. You could add another woof for no extra cost." The dog says, "But that wouldn't make any sense."

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Guest Gumballthechewy

A dyslexic walks into a bra...


Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.

"Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.

She said, "Rectum."

"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"


Tom the Angry Driver

Tom was driving down the road and he sees a guy hitchhiking up ahead and he thinks to himself: "I'm gonna run this guy over!" but as he gets closer he sees that the hitchhiker is a priest and he says to himself: "god will have my ass on a spit if I run this guy over..." so he stopped and picked him up, a little while later he sees another hitchhiker and he says to himself: "ok, this guy is gonna get it!" but he looks in his rear view and sees the priest and says to himself: "I can't with him in here, I'll just scare him a bit." so he swerves close but as he goes by he hears a loud thud and so he asks the priest: "what the hell was that!?" the priest said you: "missed him so I opened my door."


Sunday School

Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?" When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty! " shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Lucy didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Lucy a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted,

"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

Edited by Gumballthechewy
  • Upvote 4
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Guest Gumballthechewy

Psychiatric Hot line

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hot line. 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. 

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. 

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. 

Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press. 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. 

No one will answer

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