I know I deserve to be flamed for this. Give me your hard honest opinions/thoughts. I can take it here.

[Rey]

monogamy isn't your thing is it?

[Dellins]

Is it wrong? Technically no; you had a mutual break up.

Why do I think you feel bad about it? You feel you're leading the first girl on because:

• Even though you had that mutual break up you know she still has feelings for you and you still hold her as a close friend, add those two up and it's a fair bit of weight on you.

• Because of that, getting with girl #2 maybe makes you feel like you are 'neglecting' girl #1's affection for you.

Advice? This one's tough but what I can say for sure is, before continuing with #2, you should have a heart-to-heart with #1 to see where you guys are at. Work out a course of action from what you gather there.

[etsen3]

If people love each other, Character and personality matters little because people can act differently. The true self with only be revealed when two people start living together.

[almo89]

Well you broke up with the first girl, so your free to do anything you want. I think you should go out and have all the fun first. If you get back together with your first girl now, you'll be thinking what if you went for the second girl. Get all the fun out of your system before settling for "the one" or else you'll regret it.

[Mainly Mattias]

meh. people are disappointing themselves and others everywhere in the world.

but if we didn't have weak and easily tempted people, we'd have long term monogamous relationships... that may or may not be happy anyway. we'd also have people who'd spend money more wisely and make well informed decisions. there'd be a lack of corporate profits from consumerism, so, really, it's in the world's best interest for people to have the yolo/self-gratification/follow your feelings mindset.

hmph. time to post in dee's gear grinding thread.

sorry, dazzle. as for your situation, you and #1 are not together. however, #1 will be disappointed even if she knows you're technically not together. feeling remorse means you're not scum so cheer up. you're all still young (presumably) and not expected to know what you want and are allowed to live life as you think it should be lived. only time will reveal the actions which are considered 'mistakes'. whether those are forgiven depends on the people affected.

[-DLC-]

You're not together and so not exclusive. You're a man, embrace it, you're allowed to have both if you want. Just keep it a secret its not big deal man. I disagree with having to tell her, if shes not your GF then you are under zero obligation to tell her anything. Do you think alpha males run around worrying about messing things up? No, they do what they really want. So do what you want.

I'm removing your last line (inappropriate).

And I disagree. Just because "you're not together" doesn't mean you're not dealing with another human being with feelings. There may not be an obligation, but decency and respect come into play...she deserves to know and make her own decisions based on knowing the deal. She may be hanging onto hope that there will be a reconciliation and this could change things for her. Cake and eat it too drags her along for the ride, but she may not want to when she's aware of what's going on.

Don't feel bad - it happens. But be honest and shed some of the guilt in letting Girl #1 decide how she wants to respond to this. The fact that she still has feelings for you doesn't mean you have to stay with her and, eventually, she'll have to get over those feelings anyhow if you do pursue someone else. You have to go with what you want, not what someone else wants. But don't keep girl one hanging around to "save" her feelings because you'll crush her in the end if the relationship with girl 2 progresses.

I should add that I was in this situation once (similar) only reversed. Guy one for me was "the" guy...we were together on/off when he took off for England. I met another guy and he warned me that his previous g/f left him for another guy and it crushed him, so to tread carefully. We went along fine for a year or two then guy #1 returned and immediately pursued me. He showed up at my work and said he wanted to take me for lunch...seemed innocent enough. But he broke down and said he wanted me back..that being away showed him that he really missed me in his life, blah, blah. I didn't really know what to do and was trying to figure it out, so went out with him a couple of times. He insisted that I tell guy 2...but I didn't want to break his heart. Knew what he'd already been through - he was a super nice guy. But my heart was really with Guy #1.

Had the exact same guilt and what the hell do I do now predicament. But broke it to guy 2 and, obviously, he reacted badly. It was really hard seeing him crumble and it actually made me feel sick. But I wouldn't have been fair to him to stay with him - guy 1 returning showed me that I still really wanted him in my life and settling for guy 2 to save his feelings would have shortchanged all of us. Tried to move on from guy #1, but we were destined to be together (got married 8 years later).

Stuff happens...we can't control how we feel or if we're attracted to someone. But, out of fairness to girl 1, you should tell her. You aren't obligated to her, but it's the decent thing to do if you're going to continue with girl 2.

[j3ff]

I'm removing your last line (inappropriate).

And I disagree. Just because "you're not together" doesn't mean you're not dealing with another human being with feelings. There may not be an obligation, but decency and respect come into play...she deserves to know and make her own decisions based on knowing the deal. She may be hanging onto hope that there will be a reconciliation and this could change things for her. Cake and eat it too drags her along for the ride, but she may not want to when she's aware of what's going on.

Don't feel bad - it happens. But be honest and shed some of the guilt in letting Girl #1 decide how she wants to respond to this. The fact that she still has feelings for you doesn't mean you have to stay with her and, eventually, she'll have to get over those feelings anyhow if you do pursue someone else. You have to go with what you want, not what someone else wants. But don't keep girl one hanging around to "save" her feelings because you'll crush her in the end if the relationship with girl 2 progresses.

[Intoewsables]

Idk, pretty tough situation your in....eventually, both girls will have to find out but I'd say tell girl #2 first just because you've known her for a less period of time so it'll make it easier, and than tell girl #1 afterwards you've talked with girl #2. My 2 cents....hope it turns out well for you.

[GLASSJAW]

I've discussed this a lot, and I think 99/100 people will go for the more attractive person. That 1/100 knows what he is worth. So what if you have a GF or BF. Once, someone hotter comes along, you'll want her/him. It's just the way life is and that the majority of marriages don't work out.

Who cares about personality. Anyone can have a good personality when they want. Pick the one that you are thinking about right now, and can't stop thinking about, because if you are thinking about this second girl, clearly you've forgotten the first one. Otherwise, you wouldn't have continued with the second girl.

[KFBR392]

Judging from a lot of what you've said in this thread, you probably don't deserve girl 1.

Let her free, go with girl 2 and hope for the best.

[pimpcurtly]

You got to take it easy on yourself OP. It's not like you and girl 1 have been married for ten years. You are only human and stuff is going to happen in life....as our fav GM likes to say "it's all part of the process."

[GLASSJAW]

Rey, you think marriages generally don't work because of disney movies?

Marriages don't work because people change. Because of stress. Because of money. Because one person has a stunted developmental stage, and the other doesn't. Or people become abusive (either to themselves, or to their partner), or because, as you seem to endorse, they see a younger piece of meat and act on their instincts rather than conduct themselves as a civilized and respectful person

Attractive women (and men--i suppose--if you're into that sort of thing) will _always_ exist. You will never "have" the best looking one. EVERRRRRRR.

And what makes this terrible is that the mind often wants what it wants, and that's something else. Grass is always greener, blah blah. If you aren't okay with NOT having them all, then you don't really have any business being in a relationship, or you should be upfront with it. You need to suppress those urges, IMO. If you're committed, be committed. If you aren't committed, then no big deal. Be in one of those disgusting 'open marriages' (no offense to you disgusting people out there reading this)

"Love," in its brain-tingling, joy-inducing, comfort-bringing glory is not at all overrated. But saying "I love you" to someone you happen to be shacking up with simply because you're shacking up with them, on the other hand, is overrated and it's dumb.

I also disagree with Rey saying "who cares about personality. Anyone can have a good one"

I find it EXTREMELY difficult to find people who are a good blend of the traits I like. I see pretty women all over the street. Jokes fly over their head, they have nothing interesting to say, gossip too much, lack sensitivity and proper intellect and charm. How many clever women do you know? If you know a lot, it's a representation of how boring you are, not how good your crowd is.

However, that's just me. Some people, most people, are so boring and middle-of-the-road that they can find gold anywhere they look.

Dazzle, I think the obvious answer is NEITHER WOMAN IS RIGHT FOR YOU

The first woman lacks the sex appeal and physical attraction. That part is important.

The second one seems to lack the matronly--if not motherly--traits of the first.

For most guys, these things are both extremely important. Don't go for one or the other, search for one that has both.

Good luck. Despite what Rey said, these types are few and far between. Have some fun if you want, but don't drag someone else's life into the emotional mud because you're too afraid to be honest with someone.

[CIA]

You're in the perfect situation. One makes regular food and the other makes yummy cakes. Of course you can't have cake all the time. But it's okay once in a while to keep life exciting.

Point being you need them both. Don't tell one about the other. Full enjoyment yaar.

[-DLC-]

I've discussed this a lot, and I think 99/100 people will go for the more attractive person. That 1/100 knows what he is worth. So what if you have a GF or BF. Once, someone hotter comes along, you'll want her/him. It's just the way life is and that the majority of marriages don't work out.

Who cares about personality. Anyone can have a good personality when they want. Pick the one that you are thinking about right now, and can't stop thinking about, because if you are thinking about this second girl, clearly you've forgotten the first one. Otherwise, you wouldn't have continued with the second girl.

Who cares about personality?

Those hot girls are great but if they don't have a personality and their conversation begins and ends with "I love my purple shoes" you'll quickly wish you had a spoon to gouge your eyes out with. For it'll be less painful and more entertaining.

Please, stay in the shallow end because if you dive into the deep end you'll likely bump your head on the bottom and never be the same. Which may not be a bad thing in learning of your view on relationships.

[Xbox]

It's not cheating if you're broken up. I don't think it's guilt you feel, I think it's love for the first girl. It seems that you can't imagine life without her. What you did wasn't cheating because you weren't together, but it was a wake up call.

I'd only tell her if you got back together. If you're just friends, she doesn't need to know these details. She sounds like a great girl though.

Best of luck!

[DhillonCanuck]

If I were you, I would go with the one you love but at the same time think about 10 years from now which one of them will you be happy with and will care for you. IDK

[Harbinger]

This is what I tell everyone especially young attractive women. Marry for money first, then marry again later for love. Eventually you'll lose your looks and if you aren't set by then your life will be difficult for the rest of your life.

[Riviera82]

What dont you like about girl #1 OP? She sounds terrific and you two apparently "hook up" now and again, therefore you must find her reasonably attractive.

My 2 cents would be for you to imagine which one you feel you'd have the most difficulty living without. That should be the girl you go with and once the decision is made then do not look back.

[EmployeeoftheMonth]

Yeah, except I'm a jerk and I think that dating isn't like marriage. I can't commit to her, just yet. Anyhow, we are technically broken up, but I still feel like there's more to us.

[Rey]

Who cares about personality?

Those hot girls are great but if they don't have a personality and their conversation begins and ends with "I love my purple shoes" you'll quickly wish you had a spoon to gouge your eyes out with. For it'll be less painful and more entertaining.

Please, stay in the shallow end because if you dive into the deep end you'll likely bump your head on the bottom and never be the same. Which may not be a bad thing in learning of your view on relationships.