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Poem I Wrote


Peaches

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I had to write a poem for english class about an ecosystem of my choice (I chose the forest). We had to include human impact, an animal of our choice, how to save it and an abiotic and/or biotic element.

Just wanted your thoughts on it and how to improve it (don't be too hard on me :) ).

Oh yeah, and it had too go by the structure of "if you're not from..."

(Abiotic)

If you're not from the forest, you don't know trees

You can't know trees

How they sway peacefully in the autumn winds

How they stand tall above the forest grounds

Or the despair when seeing them fall to the ground

If you're not from the forest, you don't know trees

(Human Impact)

If you're not from the forest you don't know fear

You can't know fear

Watching your home fall to the ground

Or having to watch your back knowing someone is out to hunt you

All for their enjoyment

If you're not from the forest you don't know fear

(Animal)

If you're not from the forest you don't know deer

You can't know deer

How they harmlessly wander around

Searching for food and avoiding being eaten

Or how they frantically run away at the site of humans

If you're not from the forest you don't know deer

(Conserve)

If you're not from the forest you don't know gratefulness

You can't know gratefulness

When you finally see someone trying to re-create your habitat

Or when someone actually follows fire guidelines

Or when somebody stands up for your home

If you're not from the forest you don't know gratefulness

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I think you jacked the premise from that book about the prairies in saskatchewan... It's called If you don't know the prairies...

"if you don't know the prairies you don't know me

you can't know me...."

otherwise its an ok poem

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My only suggestion would be to possibly try moving the stanzas around in order to have a little bit of a rhyme scheme. You already have 'fear' and 'deer' so those two work well together. The last stanza with the word 'gratefulness' just doesn't work, for me (just my honest opinion:). A large part of poetry is the music/sound/rhythm of the poem and gratefulness doesn't flow as nicely as, say, a one syllable word like the other end rhymes. Considering that, if you were to go with a rhyme scheme, trees is what you would have to find a word to rhyme with, maybe try 'ease.' The trees are at ease when a little expertise is used by some humans to prevent man made disease. Know what I'm saying?!

Good work:)

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The repetition of "ground" in two consecutive lines disrupts the flow of the first stanza in my opinion. You also use a variation of "____ falls to the ground" in the second stanza. Maybe try to mix it up a bit?

Also, I wouldn't listen to people who are telling you to shoehorn in rhymes. It almost always sounds contrived, especially if the poem wasn't written to rhyme in the first place.

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I agree with Kodos, the double use of grounds in the first stanza jumped out at me, otherwise I think it's a pretty good poem, granted I'm no poem expert. Again, like Kobos said don't worry about rhyming, it's not a rap song. Sounds good though!

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For what it's worth...

When I mentioned about a rhyme scheme I by no means meant a rhyme such as the make-shift one that I posted. That rhyme was merely a way to insinuate how the same sort of message could be delivered but with a different sounding word. The trees are grateful that some people try to save them, compared with the trees being at ease because some people are trying to save them. Same message, different words. As I said, poetry is very much about the sound of the poem, and IMHO a three syllable word such as gratefulness doesn't work as well as a one syllable one. Reason being: the last word of the first and sixth lines in each stanza are repeated, and in the first three stanzas those words are one syllable, thus, the structure of the poem--because this poem does have some--would be more consistent and in the end would flow and sound a little better.

A little tip with poetry is to read the poem out loud to yourself. You will be surprised at what you might learn about the poem when you get to hear it spoken. Cheers.

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(Abiotic)

If you're not from the forest, you don't know trees Baseless assumption

You can't know trees Baseless assumption

How they sway peacefully in the autumn winds Baseless assumption

How they stand tall above the forest grounds It's because they're competing for light.

Or the despair when seeing them fall to the ground Baseless assumption

If you're not from the forest, you don't know trees Baseless assumption

(Human Impact)

If you're not from the forest you don't know fear Baseless assumption

You can't know fear Baseless assumption

Watching your home fall to the ground Too soon after tornadoes in Oklahoma

Or having to watch your back knowing someone is out to hunt you Try fapping with the door unlocked.

All for their enjoyment In a way, yes--but in a more accurate way, it was for my enjoyment.

If you're not from the forest you don't know fear Baseless assumption

(Animal)

If you're not from the forest you don't know deer Baseless assumption

You can't know deer Baseless assumption

How they harmlessly wander around They are responsible for more hunter deaths than any animal.

Searching for food and avoiding being eaten And killing humans.

Or how they frantically run away at the site of humans Please.

If you're not from the forest you don't know deer I don't want to.

(Conserve)

If you're not from the forest you don't know gratefulness You would think I would be happy I even have access to internet porn.

You can't know gratefulness I don't know why I left the door unlocked.

When you finally see someone trying to re-create your habitat I don't know why I didn't expect anyone to come in.

Or when someone actually follows fire guidelines I don't know why I didn't stop.

Or when somebody stands up for your home I don't know why I looked my parents straight in the eyes and finished.

If you're not from the forest you don't know gratefulness All I know is I can't go back. The forest is my home now.

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