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I haven't told any other friends about this and it may be a while before I do. Need to get it off my chest and read any possible replies from you guys:  

 

I have a close friend who spends every summer with me and on Friday at the airport she asked during a very emotional goodbye if I'd consider marrying her so she could emigrate from her country to live here. She didn't want to go back home, she didn't want to leave me and our mutual friends, she considers BC her "real home" now, she considers my place home. So now I'm sitting here considering it ...

 

She's a really good friend, we get along incredibly well, we spend all day together for up to two months at a time and no ones been murdered yet, and I am not dead-set against her idea, but our relationship is platonic. I'm the one who "friend-zoned" her, so to speak, 5 years ago (yes that's a crappy looking thing to type but it is what it is, I'm not into having a romantic relationship with her). She said we'd still remain just friends if we do get married.

 

I'm still in a kind of daze. But I mean, we're grownups, mature people, I could do it for her and our friendship. But then there is that weird side to this ... the side which may sound cold or selfish but um, let's say we do get married (a platonic marriage) and I meet and fall for some other woman, then what? We'll have to get "amicably" divorced. I'll have to somehow bring that up with her soon in our conversations. How weird will that be ... And how weird will it be to be divorced?.. Any future girlfriend of mine would be hanging out with me and "my ex-wife" ... But then again, we're adults, life is so silly and things like this really shouldn't be a hang-up ...

 

Honestly I believe that if this was another friend of mine, the one who is a total "free spirit" and travels a lot I'd probably agree to it right away because it would be hilarious, me and her would laugh over the marriage and divorce forever. But with the friend mentioned above, well, it's a bit different, I think (but am not 100% positive) she may still have romantic feelings for me (I feel like I'm cutting her down behind her back here, that's not my intention), so it makes this a much more difficult decision. I know she has it in her to laugh off a divorce in time but would it secretly crush her as well? Am I being an egomaniac right now?.. It's all so strange. Can someone please make me a drink?

 

 

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57 minutes ago, Svengali said:

I haven't told any other friends about this and it may be a while before I do. Need to get it off my chest and read any possible replies from you guys:  

 

I have a close friend who spends every summer with me and on Friday at the airport she asked during a very emotional goodbye if I'd consider marrying her so she could emigrate from her country to live here. She didn't want to go back home, she didn't want to leave me and our mutual friends, she considers BC her "real home" now, she considers my place home. So now I'm sitting here considering it ...

 

She's a really good friend, we get along incredibly well, we spend all day together for up to two months at a time and no ones been murdered yet, and I am not dead-set against her idea, but our relationship is platonic. I'm the one who "friend-zoned" her, so to speak, 5 years ago (yes that's a crappy looking thing to type but it is what it is, I'm not into having a romantic relationship with her). She said we'd still remain just friends if we do get married.

 

I'm still in a kind of daze. But I mean, we're grownups, mature people, I could do it for her and our friendship. But then there is that weird side to this ... the side which may sound cold or selfish but um, let's say we do get married (a platonic marriage) and I meet and fall for some other woman, then what? We'll have to get "amicably" divorced. I'll have to somehow bring that up with her soon in our conversations. How weird will that be ... And how weird will it be to be divorced?.. Any future girlfriend of mine would be hanging out with me and "my ex-wife" ... But then again, we're adults, life is so silly and things like this really shouldn't be a hang-up ...

 

Honestly I believe that if this was another friend of mine, the one who is a total "free spirit" and travels a lot I'd probably agree to it right away because it would be hilarious, me and her would laugh over the marriage and divorce forever. But with the friend mentioned above, well, it's a bit different, I think (but am not 100% positive) she may still have romantic feelings for me (I feel like I'm cutting her down behind her back here, that's not my intention), so it makes this a much more difficult decision. I know she has it in her to laugh off a divorce in time but would it secretly crush her as well? Am I being an egomaniac right now?.. It's all so strange. Can someone please make me a drink?

 

 

I have a friend who did that - very different circumstances, but he sure spent a lot of time suffering over it and so did she.

From my point of view I would venture you’ll find some ugly consequences at some point in the journey.

And I would bet you’ll cause some unintended hurt to your friend as well.

Just my 2 cents with nothing to go on except the details you offered...but I wouldn’t do that to myself or my friend.

 

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1 hour ago, nzan said:

I have a friend who did that - very different circumstances, but he sure spent a lot of time suffering over it and so did she.

From my point of view I would venture you’ll find some ugly consequences at some point in the journey.

And I would bet you’ll cause some unintended hurt to your friend as well.

Just my 2 cents with nothing to go on except the details you offered...but I wouldn’t do that to myself or my friend.

 

Can I ask about your friend's experience? What happened there? I'm very interested.

 

(and yeah you're right about unintentionally hurting her, it's very likely to happen at some point in this situation ... which ever direction I take)

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7 hours ago, Svengali said:

Can I ask about your friend's experience? What happened there? I'm very interested.

 

(and yeah you're right about unintentionally hurting her, it's very likely to happen at some point in this situation ... which ever direction I take)

I don’t know, I think sometimes when there’s two crappy options in front of you that’s all you can see. I would look for a third option where you can accomplish what you want without putting your lives in jeopardy.

Even a sham marriage creates mountains of emotional and legal issues that will take years to untangle.

In the case of my buddy it was more of a classic dupe. They didn’t know each other as well as they thought they did and got married so she could come to Canada. They tried to make it work (which is the major difference between them and you) but it ended almost as quick as it started. Her life in Canada was horrible cause she now had no support of any kind (relationally emotionally or financially) except bugging him all the time with increasingly frantic cries for help. He couldn’t get on with his life for years trying to help her from a place of compassion but also guilt. 

Im sure your friend is a super decent person (unlike my buddy’s ex) but I wouldn’t wish that all on anyone.

Edited by nzan
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13 hours ago, nzan said:

I don’t know, I think sometimes when there’s two crappy options in front of you that’s all you can see. I would look for a third option where you can accomplish what you want without putting your lives in jeopardy.

Even a sham marriage creates mountains of emotional and legal issues that will take years to untangle.

In the case of my buddy it was more of a classic dupe. They didn’t know each other as well as they thought they did and got married so she could come to Canada. They tried to make it work (which is the major difference between them and you) but it ended almost as quick as it started. Her life in Canada was horrible cause she now had no support of any kind (relationally emotionally or financially) except bugging him all the time with increasingly frantic cries for help. He couldn’t get on with his life for years trying to help her from a place of compassion but also guilt. 

Im sure your friend is a super decent person (unlike my buddy’s ex) but I wouldn’t wish that all on anyone.

That's awful what happened to your buddy. I hope he's totally free of that nightmare by now. (and hopefully she's in a better place as well)

 

I have to admit reading those words of yours, "lives in jeopardy" and "mountains of legal issues" is a little terrifying (insert nervous chuckle) and I'm also totally delaying all of the inevitable tedious googling I need to do on emigration and bureaucracy and red tape ... Third option indeed.

 

But I can also say with some relief after reading your buddy's story that my friend is very self-reliant, owns her own home which she bought with money she earned through years of working. She has mentioned to me several times over the years that the daydream is to sell her house (it's a first world country that she lives in, she's not trying to escape from anything) and use that money to buy a place near me in BC. But Friday was of course the first time marriage ever came up.

 

And yes she is a super decent person. This is the first time she's ever really stressed me out. As she said in her email to me after the flight: "sorry for the massive bombshell I dropped on you". But the bomb still exists, and that's a mighty big mozzaball just hanging out there.

 

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@Svengali

It sounds like you aren't terribly comfortable with it.  Obviously it's a huge decision and I think the reasons you bring up for not being comfortable are legitimate (Personally, I think I'd feel too weird doing something like this for reasons similar to your concerns).  I'd continue to have conversations about your concerns starting with your friend and then looking for advice among other friends.  Maybe that'll ease your concerns or maybe it'll solidify them.  Either way, you can at least say it was a thoughtful, well-reasoned decision.

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58 minutes ago, Svengali said:

That's awful what happened to your buddy. I hope he's totally free of that nightmare by now. (and hopefully she's in a better place as well)

 

I have to admit reading those words of yours, "lives in jeopardy" and "mountains of legal issues" is a little terrifying (insert nervous chuckle) and I'm also totally delaying all of the inevitable tedious googling I need to do on emigration and bureaucracy and red tape ... Third option indeed.

 

But I can also say with some relief after reading your buddy's story that my friend is very self-reliant, owns her own home which she bought with money she earned through years of working. She has mentioned to me several times over the years that the daydream is to sell her house (it's a first world country that she lives in, she's not trying to escape from anything) and use that money to buy a place near me in BC. But Friday was of course the first time marriage ever came up.

 

And yes she is a super decent person. This is the first time she's ever really stressed me out. As she said in her email to me after the flight: "sorry for the massive bombshell I dropped on you". But the bomb still exists, and that's a mighty big mozzaball just hanging out there.

 

 

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I confess ~

 

When I was little, all the way in high school, I thought when people spelled - grey, they were referring to a light grey.  And when people spelled - gray, they were referring to a darker gray.  Then one day I realized it was based on preference, that people were really not referring to a darker shade when spelling - gray, that it was grey or gray overall.

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I lost a friend today. We both come from rough backgrounds, share suicidal thoughts/ideation and have made attempts. Over the past few weeks and earlier in the day, she expressed wishes to end her life and asked me to examine bridges and rooftops with her as prospective locations for jumping. Then, she asked me to walk with her to a bridge, and I agreed as I thought it would be safer than if she went alone. I asked her if she was simply going to inspect the bridge or if she was intending to jump, and she issued me a playful shrug.

 

After a bit, I made the decision to contact police, dialing 911 and explaining to the operator the situation. They came and spoke with her through her partner who was translating (my (former) friend is mute) and after a short dialogue decided not to take her in. She then sent me rude messages on Discord, which was our main platform for communication, saying that I'm a '$&!# human being' and deserving of 10,000 times the pain I caused her.

 

I'm fine with my choice to speak to the police authorities on a logical and rational level, but this hurts deeply on an emotional one.

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On ‎2018‎-‎09‎-‎10 at 6:42 PM, Svengali said:

I haven't told any other friends about this and it may be a while before I do. Need to get it off my chest and read any possible replies from you guys:  

Be very careful, if you do marry this lady, then divorce her to marry a lady you do love  and then that relationship sours into a "true" divorce the newest ex may report your previous marriage as a sham. I'm not sure what the repercussions of immigration fraud are but...…...

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On 9/10/2018 at 6:42 PM, Svengali said:

I haven't told any other friends about this and it may be a while before I do. Need to get it off my chest and read any possible replies from you guys:  

 

I have a close friend who spends every summer with me and on Friday at the airport she asked during a very emotional goodbye if I'd consider marrying her so she could emigrate from her country to live here. She didn't want to go back home, she didn't want to leave me and our mutual friends, she considers BC her "real home" now, she considers my place home. So now I'm sitting here considering it ...

 

She's a really good friend, we get along incredibly well, we spend all day together for up to two months at a time and no ones been murdered yet, and I am not dead-set against her idea, but our relationship is platonic. I'm the one who "friend-zoned" her, so to speak, 5 years ago (yes that's a crappy looking thing to type but it is what it is, I'm not into having a romantic relationship with her). She said we'd still remain just friends if we do get married.

 

I'm still in a kind of daze. But I mean, we're grownups, mature people, I could do it for her and our friendship. But then there is that weird side to this ... the side which may sound cold or selfish but um, let's say we do get married (a platonic marriage) and I meet and fall for some other woman, then what? We'll have to get "amicably" divorced. I'll have to somehow bring that up with her soon in our conversations. How weird will that be ... And how weird will it be to be divorced?.. Any future girlfriend of mine would be hanging out with me and "my ex-wife" ... But then again, we're adults, life is so silly and things like this really shouldn't be a hang-up ...

 

Honestly I believe that if this was another friend of mine, the one who is a total "free spirit" and travels a lot I'd probably agree to it right away because it would be hilarious, me and her would laugh over the marriage and divorce forever. But with the friend mentioned above, well, it's a bit different, I think (but am not 100% positive) she may still have romantic feelings for me (I feel like I'm cutting her down behind her back here, that's not my intention), so it makes this a much more difficult decision. I know she has it in her to laugh off a divorce in time but would it secretly crush her as well? Am I being an egomaniac right now?.. It's all so strange. Can someone please make me a drink?

 

 

couple things to consider:

 

You will be intensely interviewed by immigration officers who have seen it all, multiple times. if you're up for that then I suppose thats step 1 but its not going to be easy. You will be interviewed separately as well. 

 

Any assets you acquire while married will be split. May be fine at the beginning but if things get sour that could become an issue for you later e.g., if you get into the housing market while married and she decides to want 1/2. 

 

 

Edited by Jimmy McGill
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