MattJVD Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 (edited) 1 hour ago, Sean Monahan said: That’s a good point. When I was still working full time I was just as busy as her, if not more so, but I typically handle stress pretty well. I don’t think she’s a person that does. We get along great in so many ways that I think we’ll sort it out. It’s still new and we’re trying to figure each other out to some extent. It’s just gut wrenching in the mean time. Hey man, good luck on the job search! I hope you find something full time soon. Everyone is going to have different needs and wants in how they show affection/love to their partner, none of them are wrong**, just matters of compatibility. If visiting her and bringing her lunch twice per week is a little to much for her, as longs as it doesn't bother you to stick to once a week or less, that's fine. She may feel it looks to her co-workers like she can't take care of herself, or doesn't like it looking like she can't go 9 hours without seeing her man. Whatever it is, it's not a wrong thing for her to feel and ask of you. And as long as what she is asking to do is something you're comfortable with, it's not a compatibly issue either. On the plus side, this sounds like a girl who is really into the relationship. When you've only been official for a month, it's way easier to just leave than it is to actually talk about an issue and try to resolve it. So if she is talking about the issues that's a good sign. If you're really into the relationship and want it to work too; say with the most up-beat tone possible. "okay, sorry about that, I didn't realize that bothered you." "is once a week okay?" Also you mentioned you liked taking care of her, tell her that! Ask if she would prefer that happened more when it was one on one, or outside of her work. I hope this helps man, I get where both of you are coming from. I love my fiance like crazy, but I have a kinda resourceful, stern, and fair image at work and it would feel weird to show her affection and eat lunch together in that setting. **(I say none, but of course there are some harmful people out there) Edited October 9, 2018 by MattJVD 1 Link to comment
Shift-4 Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 12 hours ago, Sean Monahan said: Girlfriends are f***in hard. In some aspects I almost think marriage would be easier. There’s certainty to it. Not that I think you can kick your feet up and stop trying to foster growth in the relationship, but it’s just there. I’m in a new relationship, started dating in July and put the formal title of boyfriend/girlfriend on it in early September, and I find it painful at times. I think it’s really a combination of two things- I’m naturally a high anxiety person with a penchant for thinking the worst (something I’ve improved on greatly in recent years) and I got laid off from my job a month ago (working for a smaller city, jobs are quite seasonal for new folk like me). It’s just a bad combo. I feel like a bum, like I have no purpose. I tried to fill that void by doing some nice things for my girlfriend like dropping her off lunch I’d made for her or a coffee. I did this maybe twice a week. Then she told me it’s too much, she likes being independent, and stuff like this is a big part of the reason why she was hesitant to get into a relationship in the first place. I totally get it because I think I’d feel the same way if the roles were reversed. I know this apparent clinginess is a bad look for anybody but I just can’t help it- not necessarily the clingy part, but the caretaking part. I like doing it. I do it for my friends, my family, my dogs, etc. It brings me joy. She told me this last night. We went on a little group date today with her friends. Between what she told me, my car getting hit-and-runned last night while parked, and housetraining troubles with my puppy I’ve just been in a crap mood all day. I don’t think what’s she told me is a deathwish for the relationship at all. I think we just have different “love languages” and ways of expressing ourselves and we’ll sort that out in time. I’m just trying to make sense of it. Are you familiar with the 5 love languages? Sounds like 'acts of service' might be important to you. You and her should take the quiz. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/ At the very least it gives a good discussion for the two of you. At best it shows the relationship is important to you and that you want to improve communication. In this case the communication is from what you do instead of what you say. 1 Link to comment
Salacious Crumb Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 15 hours ago, luckylager said: I hope you did gross stuff to her toothbrush Yeah her toothbrush. Sure. Toothbrush. 1 Link to comment
Salacious Crumb Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 5 hours ago, Sean Monahan said: That’s a good point. When I was still working full time I was just as busy as her, if not more so, but I typically handle stress pretty well. I don’t think she’s a person that does. We get along great in so many ways that I think we’ll sort it out. It’s still new and we’re trying to figure each other out to some extent. It’s just gut wrenching in the mean time. All the best on this relationship SM. The best advice I could give my younger self when it comes to dating is don’t be afraid to ask the pretty girl out would be #1 and 2 would be don’t be afraid to have a dick but don’t be a dick. The ladies want us to be manly without being tone-deaf to their signals. You are clearly a giver and givers attract takers more often than they attract other givers. Don’t sell yourself short amigo, perhaps this is or isn’t your true partner. 1 Link to comment
Sean Monahan Posted October 9, 2018 Share Posted October 9, 2018 12 minutes ago, Salacious Crumb said: You are clearly a giver and givers attract takers more often than they attract other givers. Don’t sell yourself short amigo, perhaps this is or isn’t your true partner Maybe not, it's way too soon to say, but I don't think this is a deal breaker at this point. We have a ton of fun together, share a lot of ideas and goals, fit in well with each other's families. I just think we have different ways of expressing ourselves but I think it's something we can sort out. 1 Link to comment
Sean Monahan Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 Sorry to open up more here everybody but it’s sorta cathartic in a way. Barely talked to the girlfriend today. She texted me at night commenting on the silence and I explained that I’d been down in the dumps since unemployment. Told her I wasn’t trying to justify it or make an excuse. Simply said that’s the way it had been but I would stop. She sent me a long text, the gist of which was that my energy and just been dragging her down and she was frustrated with me. Said she wasn’t sure if she could deal with it and we needed to talk about it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep much (as if I will anyway) so I asked if she could talk quickly on the phone. Back story here: by nature, we’re both quite independent people. Prior to meeting her I was really focused on my career and financial goals as was she. I was content to just be alone working on that and she was the same. But I met her and I dug her independence and she dug mine and it worked. It was probably the thing we found most attractive about each other- that we didn’t need each other, we just wanted each other. Our lives were enhanced that way. Thinking about it all day today and I realized that what really changed this past month was me. I had kinda devolved back into what I was a few years ago, which is exactly what I never wanted to be again and what she didn’t want to have anything to do with. I wasn’t really doing anything about accomplishing my goals even with the free time afforded to me by unemployment. I’d done minimal school work, no volunteering, wasn’t proactive enough with my puppy, etc. I made her a focal point of my life rather than the terrific supplement that she was, and by doing that I had made myself more of a burden than an enhancement to her. I explained all this to her and apologized. I’d feel like an absolute jackass if I let this selfish, immature, shortsighted behaviour be the reason we didn’t work and I told her that. She’s gonna continue to take her space this week (due to our schedules and probably necessity too) and think about it. I’m throwing myself back into the things that made me me a few months ago and hoping for the best. I may be single by this time next week or I may be the luckiest SOB I know. Fingers crossed. End rant there. Sorry guys. 4 Link to comment
Putgolzin Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 4 hours ago, Sean Monahan said: Sorry to open up more here everybody but it’s sorta cathartic in a way. Barely talked to the girlfriend today. She texted me at night commenting on the silence and I explained that I’d been down in the dumps since unemployment. Told her I wasn’t trying to justify it or make an excuse. Simply said that’s the way it had been but I would stop. She sent me a long text, the gist of which was that my energy and just been dragging her down and she was frustrated with me. Said she wasn’t sure if she could deal with it and we needed to talk about it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep much (as if I will anyway) so I asked if she could talk quickly on the phone. Back story here: by nature, we’re both quite independent people. Prior to meeting her I was really focused on my career and financial goals as was she. I was content to just be alone working on that and she was the same. But I met her and I dug her independence and she dug mine and it worked. It was probably the thing we found most attractive about each other- that we didn’t need each other, we just wanted each other. Our lives were enhanced that way. Thinking about it all day today and I realized that what really changed this past month was me. I had kinda devolved back into what I was a few years ago, which is exactly what I never wanted to be again and what she didn’t want to have anything to do with. I wasn’t really doing anything about accomplishing my goals even with the free time afforded to me by unemployment. I’d done minimal school work, no volunteering, wasn’t proactive enough with my puppy, etc. I made her a focal point of my life rather than the terrific supplement that she was, and by doing that I had made myself more of a burden than an enhancement to her. I explained all this to her and apologized. I’d feel like an absolute jackass if I let this selfish, immature, shortsighted behaviour be the reason we didn’t work and I told her that. She’s gonna continue to take her space this week (due to our schedules and probably necessity too) and think about it. I’m throwing myself back into the things that made me me a few months ago and hoping for the best. I may be single by this time next week or I may be the luckiest SOB I know. Fingers crossed. End rant there. Sorry guys. Sounds like you're doing everything right. You're being attentive, reflective and assertive while still being very humble. Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants (simultaneously commenting on the space you've given her while responding in frustration and continuing to take space). Sounds like she must be smoking hot, because from this vantage point she's the one getting the long end of the stick here. Link to comment
Shift-4 Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 @Sean Monahan I got your back. We have all been there in some form. I could be the one sharing a story one day. 1 Link to comment
Sean Monahan Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 17 minutes ago, Shift-4 said: @Sean Monahan I got your back. We have all been there in some form. I could be the one sharing a story one day. It’s a tough pill to swallow man. I used to have issues with depression for years but a few years ago I had an epiphany of sorts and changed my life. Really came to understand that I was the only one with the power to change myself, not any doctor or medication, and I started doing the things that made me the guy she started to fall for some years later. Then I started slipping back into some of that old behaviour unknowingly. I feel like an idiot. 1 Link to comment
Gurn Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 41 minutes ago, Sean Monahan said: I feel like an idiot. Don't. Just feel human. 1 Link to comment
Shift-4 Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 4 minutes ago, gurn said: Don't. Just feel human. But humans are generally idiots. I see it all the time. 2 Link to comment
diesel_3 Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 I don't find Letterkenny funny, at all. Link to comment
MattJVD Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 8 hours ago, Sean Monahan said: Sorry to open up more here everybody but it’s sorta cathartic in a way. Barely talked to the girlfriend today. She texted me at night commenting on the silence and I explained that I’d been down in the dumps since unemployment. Told her I wasn’t trying to justify it or make an excuse. Simply said that’s the way it had been but I would stop. She sent me a long text, the gist of which was that my energy and just been dragging her down and she was frustrated with me. Said she wasn’t sure if she could deal with it and we needed to talk about it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep much (as if I will anyway) so I asked if she could talk quickly on the phone. Back story here: by nature, we’re both quite independent people. Prior to meeting her I was really focused on my career and financial goals as was she. I was content to just be alone working on that and she was the same. But I met her and I dug her independence and she dug mine and it worked. It was probably the thing we found most attractive about each other- that we didn’t need each other, we just wanted each other. Our lives were enhanced that way. Thinking about it all day today and I realized that what really changed this past month was me. I had kinda devolved back into what I was a few years ago, which is exactly what I never wanted to be again and what she didn’t want to have anything to do with. I wasn’t really doing anything about accomplishing my goals even with the free time afforded to me by unemployment. I’d done minimal school work, no volunteering, wasn’t proactive enough with my puppy, etc. I made her a focal point of my life rather than the terrific supplement that she was, and by doing that I had made myself more of a burden than an enhancement to her. I explained all this to her and apologized. I’d feel like an absolute jackass if I let this selfish, immature, shortsighted behaviour be the reason we didn’t work and I told her that. She’s gonna continue to take her space this week (due to our schedules and probably necessity too) and think about it. I’m throwing myself back into the things that made me me a few months ago and hoping for the best. I may be single by this time next week or I may be the luckiest SOB I know. Fingers crossed. End rant there. Sorry guys. Way to go, Sean. No need to apologize to us. I hope things work out for you man! 1 Link to comment
Gurn Posted October 10, 2018 Share Posted October 10, 2018 27 minutes ago, Shift-4 said: But humans are generally idiots. I see it all the time. Get rid of your mirrors? 1 Link to comment
Putgolzin Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 12 hours ago, 112 said: I shot the Sheriff. Self-defense? Link to comment
Master 112 Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 3 minutes ago, nzan said: Self-defense? I swear it was. 2 1 Link to comment
Tre Mac Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 On 10/10/2018 at 9:31 AM, diesel_3 said: I don't find Letterkenny funny, at all. Haven't watched but judging from the commercials I don't think I'd find it funny either. 1 1 Link to comment
JM_ Posted October 11, 2018 Share Posted October 11, 2018 On 2018-10-10 at 9:31 AM, diesel_3 said: I don't find Letterkenny funny, at all. you gotta be from back east. I find it hilarious most of the time. Link to comment
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