Gia Allemand & Ryan Anderson: A Painful Story Of Suicide

[-DLC-]

I just stumbled across an article that I feel is so important, so heart wrenching and insightful, that it must be shared. I cried as I read it...I felt it to my very soul, as I have two people extremely close to me who have shared similar stories/struggles...thankfully, with different outcomes to date But it's always a work in progress and never really "goes away". It could have been me writing this story, had it not been for some amazing individuals and organizations who lit a light in a dark tunnel of despair. And the very courageous warriors who have fought these battles, stemming from eerily similar situations and triggers. I write this knowing how lucky I am they are still here and how difficult it is for them.

I can speak, firsthand, of having to drag a mattress in the dark to a living room floor in order to share nights of intense pain and suffering with someone sobbing in the fetal position, thrust into a dark hole like this. Not knowing how to help, but knowing I had to. Fearing that, if I didn't, I'd lose them. Waiting hours in ER...often, to have to wait weeks or months to get started in any form of treatment/help. People slip through the cracks during the wait...during the lengthy process of trying to weed through and determine what, exactly, is to be tackled. Needle in a haystack stuff as some strive for answers. For proper diagnosis and treatment. Painstakingly exhausting - both physically and mentally. And, often, met with uncertainty and unanswered questions. And, a stigma.

People who are devoted to work in mental health are under appreciated, under funded/staffed and exceptionally wonderful in the work they do. It's one of the most important jobs there is, but one of the most unsupported.

Reading this article has reminded me of how truly misunderstood suicide is...how "taboo" and stereotyped it can be. So many inappropriately feel that it's a "snap out of it deal" (as is reinforced in Gia/Ryan's story), but it's something so complex that it can't possibly have such a simple remedy. It doesn't. Even beginning to dig to the root of it and differentiating between things like bi-polar disorder and other ailments that are so closely related to one another is tedious.

People aren't wrong to feel and react to someone in the throes of depression and possible suicidal thoughts as they do, they're simply misinformed and uneducated (as I have been...I'm still no expert, but working toward a deeper understanding). When someone seems perfectly "healthy" on the outside, it's only natural to believe they can "decide" to be healthy on the inside too, that they can somehow control it. I was in that place, trying to offer advice, nutritional help and other things that seem like they should work (of course, a healthy lifestyle is part and parcel of any wellness plan, but it isn't a cure for mental disorders and depression).

If you could look beyond the forced smiles and "I'm ok's" to open them up on the inside - you'd see a mess. The brain, the heart, deep in the gut where they churn, it would become obvious. Deep wounds, scars and some short circuiting of crossed wires. Chemical imbalances and things that require medical attention, not tea and sunshine. It's a storm on the inside, and everything's saturated and cold so that "nice walk in the park" is with someone numb.

It's not obvious...someone going about their daily lives batting depression and other illness can get good at trying to put on a brave face, trying not to "burden" others. But, when they do reach out or give "clues", it's vitally important to recognize them.

In keeping Rick Rypien in mind, along with the wonderful work of Mind Check, I share this with you. It's a tough read...I followed Gia's story. She was likeable and easy to identify with...someone who seemingly had a lot going for her. But the surface stuff means nothing...when you strip away the layers, we're all just susceptible, vulnerable human beings on the inside and this serves to remind us. A harsh, painful reminder that even the beautiful, successful people have no immunity. It's getting glaringly apparent, as we see celebrities' stories played out in the tabloid world on a regular basis. Some are viewed as pathetic failures, as people who had it all but still blew it. But money/fame don't ward off mental illness, depression, or suicide, they just get them publicized and we should all learn something from them.

This also ties in to our recent "Athletes as role models" discussion here. Athletes are human beings, simply fortunate enough to have been gifted with athletic ability and talent. That doesn't take away from the fact that they hurt/bleed just like the rest of us.

Anyhow, let's keep this discussion going. It's a very important one. Grab your Kleenex. And I'm not proofreading (tldpr), so I may have to rethink/change some of my thoughts as presented. It's off the top of my head, as I felt deeply impacted by this story as I read it. As I always do when I learn the details of someone losing the struggle to go on.

After all, someone dies from cancer and it’s described heroically -- “a battle.” Suicide is viewed as selfish. “Anyone who knows Gia knows that selfish was the last thing she was,” Ryan says. “She would never want to cause anyone suffering. She just wanted to escape the pain.”

http://www.si.com/nba/2014/11/13/ryan-anderson-gia-allemand

[FramingDragon]

Thanks for this Deb. It's hard to talk about these things without coming off as self absorbed or self pitying.

[Tearloch7]

Beautiful perspective Deb .. thanks for sharing .. we 'live with depression' all around us, whether we realize it or not. The better we understand, the easier it is to reach out and try to make a difference when it matters.

[TOMapleLaughs]

Wasn't following the story, so here's more on it:

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/gia-allemand-mom-blames-bachelor-star-menstrual-cycle-suicide-article-1.1452221

Gia Allemands mom blames Bachelor stars suicide on menstrual cycle: She could not see clearly

Allemand hanged herself with a vacuum cleaner cord within two hours of her NBA boyfriend claiming he didn't love her anymore, according to cops.

The Bachelor beauty who took her own life with a vacuum cord last month suffered severe mood swings tied to her menstrual cycle, her mom told TV's Dr. Phil.

Grieving mom Donna Micheletti said in an interview broadcast Tuesday that daughter Gia Allemand's intense premenstrual syndrome clouded her thinking and likely contributed to her suicide.

"She was not depressed. Sometimes, when it was that time of the month, she would get insecure and go to a dark spot, and she'd feel like nobody cared," Micheletti said. "She just snowballed."

The New York mom said her daughter called her from New Orleans the night of the suicide bid and booked her a flight to come visit the next day.

"I'm not happy. I can't go on with this anymore," Allemand said during the half hour call, according to her mom.

"At that point, that day, with how she felt with her menstrual cycle, she could not see clearly," Micheletti said. "I was trying to talk to her, trying to be careful what I say. I didn't want to upset her more, and I was nervous."

She said Allemand's menstrual cycle was so powerful, it could change her demeanor "like night and day."

"It would come out of nowhere," Micheletti said, snapping her fingers. "All of a sudden something would click in there, and she would say, 'This isn't right. He doesn't love me. He's not this. He's not that.'"

The chilling details of Allemand's Aug. 12 suicide - which ended with doctors disconnecting her life support two days later were laid bare in a police report obtained by the Daily News.

According to New Orleans cops, Allemand hanged herself within two hours of her NBA boyfriend claiming he didn't love her anymore.

The Queens-bred bombshell left a suicide note on her dining room table that read, "Mom gets everything," and wrapped a vacuum cleaner cord around her neck.

One end of the cord was found tied to the handrail on the second floor of her apartment. The other end was still attached to the heavy vacuum found at the bottom of the stairs.

According to police, Allemand arrived back at her apartment around 6 p.m. that Monday after a lunch date and emotional fight with boyfriend Ryan Anderson, a power forward for the New Orleans Pelicans.

"Mr. Anderson stated they were arguing most of the time during their meal over her suspicions of (him) having been unfaithful," the report from the New Orleans Police Department said.

Anderson told police he took Allemand, 29, to a Walgreens drug store to purchase a few items including Nyquil cough syrup and then drove her back to her separate residence.

"Anderson stated before Ms. Allemand got out of his vehicle, she stated she loved him," the report said.

"I don't love you anymore," he replied, according to the report.

Allemand likely was on the phone with her helpless mother several states away when she caused the injury that left her brain dead.

"I heard her last breath," Micheletti told Dr. Phil, breaking down in tears. "I thought it was just mumbling. I couldn't understand her. It was incoherent. I didn't know what it was until after the fact."

The tragedy was discovered after Micheletti sent Anderson a frantic text around 7:28 p.m. asking him to check on her daughter.

Anderson arrived at Allemand's apartment 20 minutes later at 7:48 p.m., used his own key to enter and found the model "sitting" on the second step of the staircase, according to police.

She was unconscious with the cord wrapped around her neck.

"Mr. Anderson stated he frantically unwrapped the cord from Ms. Allemand's neck, and that she was not responsive," the report said. "He then began yelling for help."

Micheletti said Allemand had never threatened suicide before, but she knew something was terribly wrong when the phone went silent for about ten minutes and then disconnected.

"I'm going, 'Gina, Gina, wake up, don't go to sleep. I'll be there in 12 hours. Wake up.' And it was nothing there," Micheletti said. "That was it, it was over."

It's hard to draw conclusions from anything regarding a tragic suicide. Everyone asks "Why?" and there really are no clear answers. All one can do is show love and support for the person when they truly need it, I guess.

[Mr. Ambien]

Wasn't following the story, so here's more on it:

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/gia-allemand-mom-blames-bachelor-star-menstrual-cycle-suicide-article-1.1452221

It's hard to draw conclusions from anything regarding a tragic suicide. Everyone asks "Why?" and there really are no clear answers. All one can do is show love and support for the person when they truly need it, I guess.

Not everyone, but of course these people would be asking "why?", she left a three letter note saying "mom gets everything". At least there are people considerate enough when they leave their loved ones behind like this, they actually explain why and help them cope+get closure. If someone wants to go out the selfish way, they get a lack of empathy from me. I think it's only fair.

[otherwise]

Deb, what you wrote as well as that article are both very well written. I idenfied with parts of both stories and now I'm in tears writing this. I hope that more people can begin to feel less stigmatized by metal health problems, that society doesn't judge that person as being selfish or weak or make harsh comments about mental health or suicide. It shows a lack of understanding and compassion from people who do make those comments. You wouldn't make [rude] comments about someone with cancer, why is it ok to for mental health?

[FramingDragon]

If someone wants to go out the selfish way, they get a lack of empathy from me. I think it's only fair.

?

What is the selfish way?

[Mr. Ambien]

?

What is the selfish way?

Leaving cryptic notes, not giving any explanation why to people that actually care. Plus that note, that's a pretty crapty thing to do, if you ask me.

If my own father actually pulled this, I'd absolutely hate the guy. Thankfully, despite suffering from ambiguous "mental ailments", he found the consideration to tell his loved ones why he's leaving the world. Although, it was rather damning to my step-mother.

[elvis15]

Leaving cryptic notes, not giving any explanation why to people that actually care. Plus that note, that's a pretty crapty thing to do, if you ask me.

If my own father actually pulled this, I'd absolutely hate the guy. Thankfully, despite suffering from ambiguous "mental ailments", he found the consideration to tell his loved ones why he's leaving the world. Although, it was rather damning to my step-mother.

Because people who are suffering from depression and can't find a way to improve their mental health and get support somehow have all the answers and are just choosing not to share it with the people they love and are leaving behind!?!

If they could describe it, quantify it, understand it, they would be in a far better mental state and much less likely to be attempting suicide.

[TOMapleLaughs]

Leaving cryptic notes, not giving any explanation why to people that actually care. Plus that note, that's a pretty crapty thing to do, if you ask me.

If my own father actually pulled this, I'd absolutely hate the guy. Thankfully, despite suffering from ambiguous "mental ailments", he found the consideration to tell his loved ones why he's leaving the world. Although, it was rather damning to my step-mother.

I used to think that suicide was the most selfish thing you could do, regardless of whatever note you left behind. But I guess there comes a point where you just have to understand that they're not being selfish at all in their time of tremendous suffering.

You don't tell a dying cancer victim, "Hey! You're being selfish!" No, not exactly the same situation, but in this case I don't think she was in the right frame of mind to care what others thought about her passing. I guess the tragic climax of some ongoing personal battles with nobody around to tell her she's not alone.

I think the question, "Why?" is going to be there for everyone. Even if the person describes their situation leading to the suicide, then the question becomes "Then why not get help?" It's all just tragic and sad.

[viking mama]

Yes, Deb ...that was a very powerful read, indeed.

I have had suicides touch my life, also. A track & field teammate of mine committed suicide after assaulting his sister. The son of a relative in the prime of life also committed suicide amid the pressures of supposedly falling short of expectations & his insatiable need to be perfect. These boys needed sanctuaries. They needed open ears & hearts to receive them & listen to their worries & to counsel with them. They needed to hear that NO one is perfect! We were put upon this earth to make mistakes,..sometimes repeatedly,..but over-time & thru sharing our experiences with others,...we are generally expected to learn from them. What do we learn? Most importantly, we learn how to relate to others better.... how to share & empathize with one another's plights, fears & burdens. Camaraderie in causes can be a very powerful force for good,...or evil... in the world. Choosing which side you will ally yourself with... is the 'real' question. One rarely lives in solitude. Life asks one to choose a path. Step-away from the dark-side, people! Prepare instead to provide others with a safe sanctuary & provide them with love... & in turn with hope. When one has hope,..all things are possible & bearable.

In this article - Ryan Anderson said this about attending a women’s shelter in Sacramento. He found the experience surreal:

"Seven women who’d been through hell -- ­abusive relationships, prostitution, living on the streets -- surrounded him and prayed for him. “If [Gia’s suicide] hadn’t happened to me, I’d walk into that room and I don’t relate to any of them, and they sure as heck don’t want to hear from me,” he says. “But now I have a story to tell.”

Many of us didn't ask for the scars that tell the stories of our lives.,..but these scars or experiences have been some our most intimate teachers. Openess & courage can turn a personal weakness into one of our greatest strengths. Convince the afflicted to turn-away from their darker-sides....or at least strive to do so, knowing that it may not always be easy,..but it will be worth it! They must believe that their own painful testimonies when given freely will be of tremendous help to others ..but secrecy leaves the possible power in such an offering,..completely inert.

The stigma placed upon those who battle & brave mental-health issues needs to be re-evaluated,.... & with a far more compassionate eye. Hollywood is making great strides in this area & I think the populace will follow suit,...eventually.

Keep up the good work - Deb! Solutions might take years of personal experimentation with all sorts of treatment options,... but all of this talk about it ain't cheap at all...it's an invaluable contribution to the cause.

[Mr. Ambien]

Because people who are suffering from depression and can't find a way to improve their mental health and get support somehow have all the answers and are just choosing not to share it with the people they love and are leaving behind!?!

If they could describe it, quantify it, understand it, they would be in a far better mental state and much less likely to be attempting suicide.

So the only choices are "mom gets everything", and "have all the answers". Awesomesauce.

I used to think that suicide was the most selfish thing you could do, regardless of whatever note you left behind. But I guess there comes a point where you just have to understand that they're not being selfish at all in their time of tremendous suffering.

You don't tell a dying cancer victim, "Hey! You're being selfish!" No, not exactly the same situation, but in this case I don't think she was in the right frame of mind to care what others thought about her passing. I guess the tragic climax of some ongoing personal battles with nobody around to tell her she's not alone.

I think the question, "Why?" is going to be there for everyone. Even if the person describes their situation leading to the suicide, then the question becomes "Then why not get help?" It's all just tragic and sad.

The explanation is for family and people the person cares about to get closure, not as a plea for help. Someone who commits suicide has already made the decision, the best they can do is, for an extremely short moment prior to the eternal permanence of death and lack of suffering henceforth, be considerate of the people who they love or care about, so the other people don't need to needlessly suffer and agonize. Of course, that's not even tackling the note that was written, which was a terribly crappy thing to do. I don't feel badly for this woman, I feel bad for the guy who had to endure this, and the family. All we can do is care for family members and friends, we can't protect people from losing battles within their own head. The Earth spins on anyways, which I think is the best mindset toward the kind of people who leave without a care for anyone else.

[TOMapleLaughs]

So the only choices are "mom gets everything", and "have all the answers". Awesomesauce.

The explanation is for family and people the person cares about to get closure, not as a plea for help. Someone who commits suicide has already made the decision, the best they can do is, for an extremely short moment prior to the eternal permanence of death and lack of suffering henceforth, be considerate of the people who they love or care about, so the other people don't need to needlessly suffer and agonize. Of course, that's not even tackling the note that was written, which was a terribly crappy thing to do. I don't feel badly for this woman, I feel bad for the guy who had to endure this, and the family. All we can do is care for family members and friends, we can't protect people from losing battles within their own head.

Having gone through some suicidal thoughts myself, years ago, I think that these people are not beyond saving. I think that people in this age bracket, around 27, in her case, 30, are the most likely to suicide in this emotional rejection scenario. I feel that most aren't beyond saving at all, and just need to manage to 'get over the hump', so to speak. But of course each has their own level of suffering at the time. And this is a different case than a carefully-planned, well thought-out suicide.

btw If you don't know what it was like for her at the time, then you cannot call her selfish. What good is that anyway? Morbidly mocking the tombstone of a young woman, kinda.

[RonMexico]

You wouldn't make [rude] comments about someone with cancer, why is it ok to for mental health?

When someone tells you they have cancer, the funeral is already being planned. When someone tells you they are bipolar or depressed, you slap them on the back and say something nice like cheer up it's not that bad! Essentially no one takes you seriously so it's easier to make light of it.

[-SN-]

The explanation is for family and people the person cares about to get closure, not as a plea for help. Someone who commits suicide has already made the decision, the best they can do is, for an extremely short moment prior to the eternal permanence of death and lack of suffering henceforth, be considerate of the people who they love or care about, so the other people don't need to needlessly suffer and agonize.

Sometimes when committing suicide, people aren't thinking rationally. You're framing this in the mind of a rational, sane, emotionless person. People who commit suicide often have emotional or mental issues. Often, lengthy notes are made, but sometimes sitting down for half an hour and inking a goodbye just isn't thought of.

Within the mental turmoil of choosing whether or not to seriously end your life, writing pretty notes often takes a backseat.

I don't feel badly for this woman, I feel bad for the guy who had to endure this, and the family.

Why can't you feel bad for everyone? There's no need to pick sides here.

All we can do is care for family members and friends, we can't protect people from losing battles within their own head.

We can protect people from losing battles in their head by removing the social stigma regarding depression and mental illness, creating a more inviting and open environment for people to combat their problems. Many people keep the battle in their head for fear of being stigmatized by people like you.

The Earth spins on anyways, which I think is the best mindset toward the kind of people who leave without a care for anyone else.

Often people who commit or attempt suicide genuinely think their act is a form of caring for someone else. I understand where you're coming from, as it's tough to put yourself in the shoes of someone who's thinking like that. Maybe try though.

[Gurn]

Not everyone, but of course these people would be asking "why?", she left a three letter note saying "mom gets everything". At least there are people considerate enough when they leave their loved ones behind like this, they actually explain why and help them cope+get closure. If someone wants to go out the selfish way, they get a lack of empathy from me. I think it's only fair.

Well for the first time on this board I'm putting a poster on my ignore list. Self centered, smug, condescending know it all (bunch of words/names that would get me banned).

[otherwise]

When someone tells you they have cancer, the funeral is already being planned. When someone tells you they are bipolar or depressed, you slap them on the back and say something nice like cheer up it's not that bad! Essentially no one takes you seriously so it's easier to make light of it.

no lots of people get cancer and they survive, just like lots of people have mental health problems (and suicide attempts) and survive. In both cases the medication can take its own toll on a person. As well saying "cheer up" is like saying "get well soon" it's not just a bad mood or a bad cold, they are both pretty serious.

[Jägermeister]

btw If you don't know what it was like for her at the time, then you cannot call her selfish.

Pretty much this.

[Mr. Ambien]

Sometimes when committing suicide, people aren't thinking rationally. You're framing this in the mind of a rational, sane, emotionless person. People who commit suicide often have emotional or mental issues. Often, lengthy notes are made, but sometimes sitting down for half an hour and inking a goodbye just isn't thought of.

Within the mental turmoil of choosing whether or not to seriously end your life, writing pretty notes often takes a backseat.

Why can't you feel bad for everyone? There's no need to pick sides here.

We can protect people from losing battles in their head by removing the social stigma regarding depression and mental illness, creating a more inviting and open environment for people to combat their problems. Many people keep the battle in their head for fear of being stigmatized by people like you.

Often people who commit or attempt suicide genuinely think their act is a form of caring for someone else. I understand where you're coming from, as it's tough to put yourself in the shoes of someone who's thinking like that. Maybe try though.

There is no need to pick sides, but the way she acted, I felt compelled to. As someone who considered suicide himself, I know the feeling of it, minus going through with it. I also especially understand the side of having to live through someone else killing themselves that you care about. Of course, a note doesn't require a half hour, ten hours, or, hell, since we're exaggerating, ten thousand hours. I think your rationality is going out the window too. In the time it took to write that letter, she could have explained why, even three words. Of course, if someone is pissed off and likely begrudging when they kill themselves, which it gives credence to given the other stuff that went on in that relationship, they might be more inclined to write the letter she did. Rather than vocalizing platitudes that cater to people who can't handle differing opinions (and trying to wedge them out of a discussion), sometimes people wish to actually analyze things, and come to their own conclusions, which, unsurprisingly, has been poo-poo'd off as "generalizing", or that my opinion somehow "stigmatizes" them. Only today would the exercise of an opinion be considered so dictatorial.

Well for the first time on this board I'm putting a poster on my ignore list. Self centered, smug, condescending know it all (bunch of words/names that would get me banned).

Ok bye.

[stawns]

sad.......one of my 13 year old students took his own life three weeks ago. It's hard for the people left behind and I wish people that do it would just take two mins to take a breath and think before doing it, because I think that's all it would take to let the feeling pass.