Mainly Mattias Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 I've had several moments of anger and hurt from people's actions wherein I've debated ways on how to deal with the situation: confront, forgive and move on, or walk away. I go by my gut on when to do any of the above and have walked away from several people.. A friend once commented that one should only do that if one doesn't value the relationship enough to try to save it. For the times I've walked away, I've considered the relationship irreparable and it had nothing to do with the value of the relationship. Have people had to make that decision for any friend, family or romantic relationships? Any regrets on the decision that you finally made? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Heffy Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 Done it to a formerly close friend who insisted on hurling N-bombs at our (black) cab driver one night when he was drunk, despite myself and a mutual friend repeatedly telling him it wasn't acceptable. Zero regrets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RRypien37 Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 I give people the benefit of the doubt once. Second time it's bye bye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coastal.view Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 i can and have too readily walked away from people and relationships at the time i felt pretty confident in those decisions but do realize with time and some maturity that there are always regrets when things break down both sides share some blame and the inability to more effectively communicate and resolve things is a failure all round for those involved no one comes out ahead or a better person as a result but i must say heffy\s post does warrant some respect and perhaps his message might alter that person's behaviour? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toews Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 When a relationship stops serving any need for you and becomes a chore to maintain then it's time to cut bait and walk away. There are too many wonderful people in the world that you can spend that time building a meaningful connection with than someone who adds nothing to your life. Sticking around due to some misguided sense of loyalty is simply not worth it, it will only cause you unnecessary grief and frustration. Suffice to say I have cut people out of my life and have felt nary a moment of regret. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoneypuckOverlord Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 depends on what they did. did they steal money from you? did you lose lots of money due to bad investment? did he stab your back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twilight Sparkle Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 It depends how close I am to the person. If im really close to them, on a personal level, like we know each others past, what we've been through (I seem to mostly surround myself with people who had similar experiences ive had) and I can take a moment and be like, nah they're better than this, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt once. If it happens again, I'm not playing games. I've been hurt and embarrassed too many times. Take care, bud If I don't know the person on that deep personal level, but we're pretty good friends I'll still cut bait and move on. I like to think I'm a good judge of people. My friend circle is really small so ive only had to be in this situation maybe three times in my lifetime My most recent incident, within tbe past year, I've let them back in to my life because they wanted to be there and they are working on their own demons and we've been friends since high school. I'll admit this was probably the first time where I really sat back and second guessed my decision because their original departure, she said some really horrible things to someone in our inner circle, when she was also affected by the things she was saying so said friend. We were all part of some ****ed up **** when we were younger, and more recent events within the past few years. When I made the call to let her back in I told her to talk to the other friend. I was expecting the other friend to say **** off but she forgave her for the things she said and things kinda just aren't the same anymore. I can see there are improvements with this friend but, I don't know. It's so weird. I feel it's going to be a long rebuilding phase to get back to where we once where. Apologies for the rant o.o If it were anyone else that's an easy no. Id say it depends on how close you are to the person and how forgivable you are. I'm more of those drop it and move on if I don't know you well enough. I'm a hard person to get to know because I have severe trust issues. I've been hurt and stepped on and sold out many times Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghostsof1915 Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Russ Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 8 hours ago, King Heffy said: Done it to a formerly close friend who insisted on hurling N-bombs at our (black) cab driver one night when he was drunk, despite myself and a mutual friend repeatedly telling him it wasn't acceptable. Zero regrets. Wow.... I probably would have clocked him one there if he was my buddy. 8 hours ago, Mainly Mattias said: I've had several moments of anger and hurt from people's actions wherein I've debated ways on how to deal with the situation: confront, forgive and move on, or walk away. I go by my gut on when to do any of the above and have walked away from several people.. A friend once commented that one should only do that if one doesn't value the relationship enough to try to save it. For the times I've walked away, I've considered the relationship irreparable and it had nothing to do with the value of the relationship. Have people had to make that decision for any friend, family or romantic relationships? Any regrets on the decision that you finally made? My rule of thumb is if theres ever a question between trying to repair or walk away would be "If I needed help desperately (ie. mental breakdown, etc.) if I called this person and said "I need your help now"" would they drop what they were doing and come see me ASAP or would they delay and slowly do things. If its the former, no matter how bad things had gotten, it is worth repairing, if its the latter I have walked away from more people than I could count. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riffraff Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 I only have so much energy. if someone is a sponge and drains me I shut em down like terminator X Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JM_ Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 10 hours ago, Mainly Mattias said: Have people had to make that decision for any friend, family or romantic relationships? Any regrets on the decision that you finally made? yes, and no regrets. You can forgive and also walk away if its something abusive, or just don't put yourself in a position to be harmed or annoyed by the person. Forgiveness is the best route tho, once you do it you don't have to expend any more energy or time thinking about them. Cutting people off takes ongoing work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heretic Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 You need to forgive. Holding grudges is not good for anyone. My wife was telling me about her great aunts just the other day. They were sisters and farmers. When they were young adults (twenties) one their sons were playing with matches in one of their barns and it burned down. They each blamed the other and never spoke to one another again - even when on their death beds at 89 years of age... Another example is 2 ladies that used to be friends and over what I think is a silly incident (husband of one parked his truck in front of one of the barn doors at the IPE here and proceeded to unload lumber for a display and refused to move his truck until he was finished) - that was 10 years ago - and they still don't like each other. To me, that's just sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shift-4 Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 Pistols at dawn is the only acceptable solution. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rob_Zepp Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 11 hours ago, Mainly Mattias said: confront, forgive and move on always - it is cleaner, you will sleep better and even if people want to hold whatever they hold against you, forgiveness is a powerful tool that rids you of all kinds of negative emotions. Life is short - there are a**hol** everywhere, why let them dictate your blood pressure and enjoyment of your life? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kloubek Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 I think it doesn't depend on a particular action, but instead to look deeper at the person's character. Does the action dictate the character of the person or was it just a mistake? If the character of the person is unsavory then that isn't the kind of person you want to surround yourself with. If it was a mistake, then perhaps a second chance is in order. Holding grudges and ill feelings helps nobody (especially yourself) so it really needs to be a decision made without emotions but instead using logic and reason. I had a best friend since high school and he had some issues but I remained friends with him until such time as he completely left me high and dry. I realized that such actions were in his me-first character and decided I no longer wanted anything to do with a friend I couldn't depend on. Ultimately he apologized so I don't really hold ill feelings, but I had no interest in rekindling our friendship. It was a decision made by understanding his character rather than what he actually did to me. That's my advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King Heffy Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 2 hours ago, Russ said: Wow.... I probably would have clocked him one there if he was my buddy. Wanted to but just told the cab driver if he'd like to take matters into his own hands, no one would have a problem with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smithers joe Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 i know it is hard but, i like the old indian prayer. great spirit, don't let me judge others until, i've walked a mile in their moccasins. i don't like burning bridges. maybe, someday things will look different. they may come and ask for forgiveness, forgiving someone or being forgiven by someone can be powerful medicine. i wish, i could get forgiveness from some people, not with us anymore. the other adage is, when you point your finger at someone, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
c00kies Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 4 hours ago, Twilight Sparkle said: It depends how close I am to the person. If im really close to them, on a personal level, like we know each others past, what we've been through (I seem to mostly surround myself with people who had similar experiences ive had) and I can take a moment and be like, nah they're better than this, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt once. If it happens again, I'm not playing games. I've been hurt and embarrassed too many times. Take care, bud If I don't know the person on that deep personal level, but we're pretty good friends I'll still cut bait and move on. I like to think I'm a good judge of people. My friend circle is really small so ive only had to be in this situation maybe three times in my lifetime My most recent incident, within tbe past year, I've let them back in to my life because they wanted to be there and they are working on their own demons and we've been friends since high school. I'll admit this was probably the first time where I really sat back and second guessed my decision because their original departure, she said some really horrible things to someone in our inner circle, when she was also affected by the things she was saying so said friend. We were all part of some ****ed up **** when we were younger, and more recent events within the past few years. When I made the call to let her back in I told her to talk to the other friend. I was expecting the other friend to say **** off but she forgave her for the things she said and things kinda just aren't the same anymore. I can see there are improvements with this friend but, I don't know. It's so weird. I feel it's going to be a long rebuilding phase to get back to where we once where. Apologies for the rant o.o If it were anyone else that's an easy no. Id say it depends on how close you are to the person and how forgivable you are. I'm more of those drop it and move on if I don't know you well enough. I'm a hard person to get to know because I have severe trust issues. I've been hurt and stepped on and sold out many times I'm looking to get back with an ex as friends because we were best friends before we even dated and I really miss her. I haven't made the plunge yet, but I'm hoping she'll reconsider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RonMexico Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 4 minutes ago, c00kies said: I'm looking to get back with an ex as friends because we were best friends before we even dated and I really miss her. I haven't made the plunge yet, but I'm hoping she'll reconsider. I wouldn't do this unless you want future misery. Future lady friends will always find a relationship with a former ex to be a problem. And don't all you birds coming running saying you are the exception to the rule; you aren't. Jealousy is a natural, unavoidable trait especially when you are spending time with former lovers. You will never be able to do anything with this ex without getting the third degree. At some point, if you are serious about a new lady in your life, you will ultimately be forced to choose one over the other. So give up on the ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redhdlois Posted September 4, 2018 Share Posted September 4, 2018 Not sure what the issue(s) were, but sometimes people tend to blame the other person for taking advantage of them, etc. when what needs to happen is developing better boundaries and limits. It's easy to blame the other person, but there's two people involved in the situation. Not saying this is what's going on with you, but I've seen this time and time again...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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