Making new friends as an adult

[-DLC-]

On 11/24/2018 at 8:55 AM, Scottish⑦Canuck said:

There are times where I'm conscious of the fact that I'm worrying more about what other people are thinking rather than enjoying myself though, and sometimes I wonder if that comes across in conversation. Ideally I'd like to be more confident and relaxed in social situations, but easier said than done.

As usual, I've done the tldr edition.  In a nutshell:   Just be you and don't concentrate on "making" friends....just "do you" and then see what develops.  Because you don't want friends who don't accept you for you anyhow..  That will help you relax out there.  You seem like a very decent person so...just have fun and live life.

Now the Encylopedia Britannica edition:

 

I don't think this is a bad thing unless it consumes you and your efforts and persists.  Self awareness is important, especially, when meeting people in the initial stages.  More of a feeling out period than a full on reveal.  I think we all could use a bit more of this quality.  To not come on too strong and be ... a bit reserved and observant.  It can be tense because, well, people can be judgemental.  But that's their deal, not ours...I've learned to put that in the forefront.  Not everyone will like or accept us, but that's ok.

 

But you nailed it for me.  I, too, have these feelings but have just grown to understand that it's as important for us to worry about how those people make us feel...not just how they feel about us.    I'm learning that the "right" friends/people for me will quickly be exposed as such because they'll MAKE me feel comfortable.  Those feelings tend to subside when that happens....so it's a clue.  If I'm feeling uncomfortable, maybe it's just not the right group for me.  And I don't invest a whole lot of time overthinking that..to each his/her own.  We're not suited to everyone, or they to us.

 

I think you're normal and most experience this...I know I do.  But what I'm developing is that sense of boundaries and letting go of some of the people pleasing that was my MO from the past to more of a what do I want/need from this?  Selfish but, if kept in check, more honest than anything.  If people accept that, great.  If not...see ya later.  No hard feelings.  

 

I honestly often know and gravitate toward people who interest me fairly quickly.   Just tap in to your inner voice when you're out there and let it guide you in who would make for a good friend for you.  Some weeding out often needs to happen.  Sounds rather arrogant, but it's about streamlining the process as you get older...don't want to invest time and energy in a quantity over quality way.

 

"A" good, solid friend is often more fulfilling than a bunch of friends who you have to work at.

Sorry for the usual Deb spiel...a great topic and I thank you for posting it.  Had me thinking.  (Am currently going through some ridiculously juvenile false friend stuff so the timing is probably perfect as I think out loud).   Which has me conclude that:  sometimes adults complicate things too much.  As kids, we just go out and have fun.  Some adults are out there trying to prove something.  Some have issues that they'll try to transfer to others or expectations that don't line up with our own.  Some are controlling (that's a huge deal I'm experiencing lately...that it has to be "their" terms as they try to change who I am).   Some put on a false front and it does take a bit to see around that.  Accept people as they are then decide if they're for you or not.

[milk and honey]

For me it was Church, Soccer, workout clubs in town and ya basically how I found my friends once I moved to a new city.

 

Just gotta go out and do stuff sooner or later you will meet someone.

 

other hand you can walk around with a mirror and pretend your best friend  is the person in the mirror ;))))))))

 

[BPA]

My co-worker moved to Vancouver.   She's into running, hiking, snow boarding,  and biking.   She has no problem making friends.

 

Probably cuz she's hot.

 

[JM_]

7 minutes ago, BPA said:

My co-worker moved to Vancouver.   She's into running, hiking, snow boarding,  and biking.   She has no problem making friends.

 

Probably cuz she's hot.

 

but thats the key to meeting people in Vancouver - you have to join activity groups. Being hot probably helps too. 

[Scottish⑦Canuck]

On 11/25/2018 at 5:51 PM, debluvscanucks said:

As usual, I've done the tldr edition.  In a nutshell:   Just be you and don't concentrate on "making" friends....just "do you" and then see what develops.  Because you don't want friends who don't accept you for you anyhow..  That will help you relax out there.  You seem like a very decent person so...just have fun and live life.

Now the Encylopedia Britannica edition:

 

I don't think this is a bad thing unless it consumes you and your efforts and persists.  Self awareness is important, especially, when meeting people in the initial stages.  More of a feeling out period than a full on reveal.  I think we all could use a bit more of this quality.  To not come on too strong and be ... a bit reserved and observant.  It can be tense because, well, people can be judgemental.  But that's their deal, not ours...I've learned to put that in the forefront.  Not everyone will like or accept us, but that's ok.

 

But you nailed it for me.  I, too, have these feelings but have just grown to understand that it's as important for us to worry about how those people make us feel...not just how they feel about us.    I'm learning that the "right" friends/people for me will quickly be exposed as such because they'll MAKE me feel comfortable.  Those feelings tend to subside when that happens....so it's a clue.  If I'm feeling uncomfortable, maybe it's just not the right group for me.  And I don't invest a whole lot of time overthinking that..to each his/her own.  We're not suited to everyone, or they to us.

 

I think you're normal and most experience this...I know I do.  But what I'm developing is that sense of boundaries and letting go of some of the people pleasing that was my MO from the past to more of a what do I want/need from this?  Selfish but, if kept in check, more honest than anything.  If people accept that, great.  If not...see ya later.  No hard feelings.  

 

I honestly often know and gravitate toward people who interest me fairly quickly.   Just tap in to your inner voice when you're out there and let it guide you in who would make for a good friend for you.  Some weeding out often needs to happen.  Sounds rather arrogant, but it's about streamlining the process as you get older...don't want to invest time and energy in a quantity over quality way.

 

"A" good, solid friend is often more fulfilling than a bunch of friends who you have to work at.

Sorry for the usual Deb spiel...a great topic and I thank you for posting it.  Had me thinking.  (Am currently going through some ridiculously juvenile false friend stuff so the timing is probably perfect as I think out loud).   Which has me conclude that:  sometimes adults complicate things too much.  As kids, we just go out and have fun.  Some adults are out there trying to prove something.  Some have issues that they'll try to transfer to others or expectations that don't line up with our own.  Some are controlling (that's a huge deal I'm experiencing lately...that it has to be "their" terms as they try to change who I am).   Some put on a false front and it does take a bit to see around that.  Accept people as they are then decide if they're for you or not.

Wow, excellent post. Especially that last bit. Thanks for taking the time to write it.

[RonMexico]

On ‎11‎/‎23‎/‎2018 at 7:53 PM, Jaku said:

Got kids? Honestly the only way I have friends right now is because we meet couples at play group and pre school.

Pretty much.

 

I had to move to a new job in a new city 2 years ago and my wife was 8 months pregnant with our first kid who arrived a week later. It's really tough to get out there and meet people when I work all day and want to spend time with my kid and wife. I would love to have a few closer friends but it will have to wait a few more years while the kid (and her sibling who is coming in May) grows up and gets into activities. I'm happy enough as is though and as a family we keep fairly busy and have a lot of friends from the Lower Mainland come visit us here so it fills the void for me for now.

[189lb enforcers?]

One of the best ways to meet people when you’re middle-aged is to either volunteer at certain events and clubs or to take classes, like for cooking or whatever you might be interested in.

 

Lots of people use these for the basic opportunity of meeting other bored souls. Putting yourself in these situations is the key. Remember Jim Carey’s The Yes Man, or whatever it was called? Like that. Meh, what do I know, we all have our own struggles. 

 

Take up a sport like Tennis or team sports, if you have that kind of time, which I doubt many of us do anymore. Shame that. 

 

I tend to meet people at my kids’ sports which has rewarded me with some quality acquaintances, more than it has friends though.   

 

As an aside, IMO, social Media platforms have programmed so many of us to be isolated and watchful of, the other. I think that the more people unplug, the more frequent and easier these interactions are for meeting other normal, free-thinkers out there. 

[The Beagle had landed]

On 11/23/2018 at 2:49 PM, Scottish⑦Canuck said:

Fairly self-explanatory title - New city, new job... how the hell do you do it? 

I'm all for meeting new people, but the idea of trying to befriend someone because you want friends isn't healthy and could lead to toxic relationships.  Friendships are forged through shared experiences and common interests and like many posters stated, being apart of varying communities helps.  Sports, religious beliefs, volunteer work and personal hobbies are great ways to accomodate that.

 

Where have you moved to if you dont mind me asking?

 

[Scottish⑦Canuck]

6 hours ago, The Beagle had landed said:

I'm all for meeting new people, but the idea of trying to befriend someone because you want friends isn't healthy and could lead to toxic relationships.  Friendships are forged through shared experiences and common interests and like many posters stated, being apart of varying communities helps.  Sports, religious beliefs, volunteer work and personal hobbies are great ways to accomodate that.

 

Where have you moved to if you dont mind me asking?

 

I'm not out there on the street desperately trying to befriend everyone I talk to  I made the topic as it seems like it's a lot more difficult to form friendships after you're done with college and are in to day to day working life. I don't want to give the impression that I'm sitting at home desperately wishing I had a friend haha. I have friends, just none in this city. 

 

Edinburgh. 

[aGENT]

13 hours ago, Scottish⑦Canuck said:

I'm not out there on the street desperately trying to befriend everyone I talk to  I made the topic as it seems like it's a lot more difficult to form friendships after you're done with college and are in to day to day working life. I don't want to give the impression that I'm sitting at home desperately wishing I had a friend haha. I have friends, just none in this city. 

 

Edinburgh. 

Wait until you add kids. 

 

Ain't nobody got time for that!

 

 

[JM_]

13 hours ago, Scottish⑦Canuck said:

I'm not out there on the street desperately trying to befriend everyone I talk to  I made the topic as it seems like it's a lot more difficult to form friendships after you're done with college and are in to day to day working life. I don't want to give the impression that I'm sitting at home desperately wishing I had a friend haha. I have friends, just none in this city. 

 

Edinburgh. 

I don't know what its like there, but when I moved to Vancouver - a notoriously aloof city when you first get here - two things helped me meet people quickly. Taking a photography class (you can always find someone to have a beer with after class and also go on photography outings) and a hiking group. Activities are the best way to meet people imo. 

[The Beagle had landed]

15 hours ago, Scottish⑦Canuck said:

I'm not out there on the street desperately trying to befriend everyone I talk to  I made the topic as it seems like it's a lot more difficult to form friendships after you're done with college and are in to day to day working life. I don't want to give the impression that I'm sitting at home desperately wishing I had a friend haha. I have friends, just none in this city. 

 

Edinburgh. 

I didn't mean for it to come across that way.

 

As an adult I've found myself making acquaintances rather then friends.  I will always have my old school friends, but the idea of trying to make other meaningful friendships just doesn't interest me.  I find it harder to form meaningful bonds as an adult when there's so little time in life to actually do that.  

 

Not trying to discourage you from your goal, but maybe trying to let it happen naturally is the best course of action.  Just be yourself and do what interests you and you'll attract like minded people.

[-DLC-]

2 hours ago, aGENT said:

Wait until you add kids. 

 

Ain't nobody got time for that!

 

 

Your "friends" suddenly are all under 3' tall....

[Shift-4]

2 hours ago, aGENT said:

Wait until you add kids. 

 

Ain't nobody got time for that!

 

 

Wait until your kids are all grown up and moved out!

Then you realize you forgot how to make friends!

[PhillipBlunt]

A tried and true method for me is whenever I go to a new place, I head out on the town sans pantaloons. I immediately shake the hand of the first person who approaches me.

 

Works like a charm.

[Scottish⑦Canuck]

28 minutes ago, The Beagle had landed said:

I didn't mean for it to come across that way.

 

As an adult I've found myself making acquaintances rather then friends.  I will always have my old school friends, but the idea of trying to make other meaningful friendships just doesn't interest me.  I find it harder to form meaningful bonds as an adult when there's so little time in life to actually do that.  

 

Not trying to discourage you from your goal, but maybe trying to let it happen naturally is the best course of action.  Just be yourself and do what interests you and you'll attract like minded people.

Yeah, I know you didn't  Thanks

 

"Let it happen naturally" is probably a nice way to sum it up.

[aGENT]

 

23 minutes ago, Shift-4 said:

Wait until your kids are all grown up and moved out!

Then you realize you forgot how to make friends!

Well I haven't forgotten yet, just no time and too damn tired! 

 

40 minutes ago, The Beagle had landed said:

As an adult I've found myself making acquaintances rather then friends.  I will always have my old school friends, but the idea of trying to make other meaningful friendships just doesn't interest me.  I find it harder to form meaningful bonds as an adult when there's so little time in life to actually do that.  

 

Amen.

 

Well if it makes you feel any better @Scottish⑦Canuck, it could be worse.

 

My best man from my wedding Peter-panned his way off to Neverland about 5 years ago, haven't heard from him since. Then my best friend from high school died last year. Another moved to Scotland about 15 years ago and yet another to Calgary a few years back (both of whom I keep in contact with but...)

 

I've got one other truly good friend left locally and let's just say we're in very different life places (aforementioned kids) and understandably have drifted apart and don't see each other often anymore.

 

Got lots of 'acquaintances' but with the lack of time, it's hard to form the type of bonds you did when you were making most of your 'best friends' in youth.

 

[Scottish⑦Canuck]

1 minute ago, aGENT said:

 

Well I haven't forgotten yet, just no time and too damn tired! 

 

 

Amen.

 

Well if it makes you feel any better @Scottish⑦Canuck, it could be worse.

 

My best man from my wedding Peter-panned his way off to Neverland about 5 years ago, haven't heard from him since. Then my best friend from high school died last year. Another moved to Scotland about 15 years ago and yet another to Calgary a few years back (both of whom I keep in contact with but...)

 

I've got one other truly good friend left locally and let's just say we're in very different life places (aforementioned kids) and understandably have drifted apart and don't see each other often anymore.

 

Got lots of 'acquaintances' but with the lack of time, it's hard to form the type of bonds you did when you were making most of your 'best friends'.

 

Yeah, it's strange how much things can change in a relatively short space of time. I've been guilty of not keeping in touch with close friends from high school in particular, but then I also tell myself that it's a 2 way thing and I wasn't hearing anything from their end either. I went to my best friend from school's 21st a few years back and felt totally out of place. And that was only 4 years after moving away. Distance is definitely something that gets in the way, even if it doesn't initially seem significant.

 

Sorry to hear about your best friend. That sucks.

 

Also, who moves from Canada to Scotland?  Crazy people.

[Shift-4]

I said good morning to my new neighbour this morning for the  first time in 4 weeks. Friendship struck?

[Psylocke]

The most recent friendships I've made were from work (we no longer work together though). 

 

I also find that it's harder to maintain friendships as I get older. In high school, you see your friends everyday - same classes or eat lunch together, hang out after school and on weekends. Now, everyone has different schedules and other obligations.

 

Also, it takes two to make a friendship. You don't always click with everyone you meet. 

 

But sounds like an exciting time for you. Good luck!