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2 hours ago, falcon45ca said:

Easy. Skip The Dishes

 

How come every time I skip the dishes, my neighbour ends up with broken windows...and his daughter's hymen has a hairline fracture?

It’s a long story but basically your skip the dishes driver is also a male porn star named Rick Dickulous. He has a rare medical condition where he believes that everything he does is actually a very specific porno video as follows:

 

Opening Scene -

 

The well endowed delivery driver unknowingly mixes up the address of his delivery. With a pizza box in hand and a throbbing erection in his pants, he rings the doorbell. The door is answered by an overweight middle aged man.

 

Rick Dickulous: Your pizza sir.

 

Man: I didn’t order a pizza.

 

Rick Dickulous looks visibly confused but his expression soon changes as a young blonde vixen walks down the stairs in daisy dukes and a white tank top tied in a knot, pushing up her perky breasts and exposing her perfectly tanned midsection.

 

Blonde: oh Daddy is Stacy here already?

 

Man: no dear just some meathead who thought we ordered a pizza.

 

Rick: Don’t worry sir if you don’t want it I will take this pizza, this piece a ass.

 

Rick points to the blonde daughter. 

 

Man: listen here you degenerate my daughter has bible study and chastity club meeting, if you don’t leave this instant...

 

Rick interrupts the man by shoving the pizza at him grabbing him, tossing him out of the house and locks the door. Then rick walks over to the daughter and grabs her by the waist and pulls her in close.

 

blonde: what kind of pizza was it? 

 

Rick: Hot. Italian. Sausage.

 

music starts playing ... bow chicka wow wow

 

Rick and the blonde start making out hard while the dad bangs at the door, rings the doorbell and then tries the windows. 

 

Scene ends with a facial.

 

 

Is fire alive?

Edited by Aladeen
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4 hours ago, bishopshodan said:

It consumes, it breathes, it spreads,

so...    nope. 

 

Found out some birds are coming for my soul. What's that worth on eBay?

 

It's fire. You can't burn for eternity without it.

 

$6.66 , *with free shipping

 

*

 

Do you ever wonder if the neighbours can smell your last fart?

 

Edited by luckylager
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1 hour ago, luckylager said:

It's fire. You can't burn for eternity without it.

 

$6.66 , *with free shipping

 

*

 

Do you ever wonder if the neighbours can smell your last fart?

 

I know they can, cuz' I did it into their open mouths while they lay sleeping. They woke up, horrified & vomiting, and I just laughed and laughed...best fart prank I ever did.

 

 

 

Does it hurt when you make an X-Files joke, and nobody knows what you're talking about?

 

 

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8 hours ago, drummerboy said:

Is it true that if you don’t use it, you lose it?  

Are you talking about your dingus? If so then yes I've also heard that. Make sure to exercise frequently.

 

What is the atomic mass of the amount of f***s I give?

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Care Bear stare by a landslide. God, it would be ugly. Literally Little Pony parts everywhere, smoldering piles of horsey flesh. The instantaneous and surprising destruction of 'the stare' will give onlookers severe mental distress. The lingering effects would last generations.

 

When I'm scared, why can't it be... fight and flight?

 

 

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15 minutes ago, bishopshodan said:

Care Bear stare by a landslide. God, it would be ugly. Literally Little Pony parts everywhere, smoldering piles of horsey flesh. The instantaneous and surprising destruction of 'the stare' will give onlookers severe mental distress. The lingering effects would last generations.

 

When I'm scared, why can't it be... fight and flight?

 

 

The combined reaction would be so intense that the problem would immediately disappear... And that's no fun, is it? 

 

Why hasn't my daddy come home yet? It's been 12 years :( 

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Just now, Stamkos said:

The combined reaction would be so intense that the problem would immediately disappear... And that's no fun, is it? 

 

Why hasn't my daddy come home yet? It's been 12 years :( 

Seven hobos abducted your father, and have him imprisoned on hobo train.

 

Can anybody hear when I get an erection?

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7 minutes ago, falcon45ca said:

Seven hobos abducted your father, and have him imprisoned on hobo train.

 

Can anybody hear when I get an erection?

Nope, but we can all see it. 

 

If every male got an erection while lying down at the same time, would the earth's rotation slow down from the added bulge?

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Cause its summer and we need some sort of entertainment before oct 2.  Then we can go back to complaining about which millionaire isn't worth his bucks and  pretending we know how to solve all the problems on the team.  

 

What would you give for a clean crisp drink of lucky lager?

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, Cpt.Clutch said:

Cause its summer and we need some sort of entertainment before oct 2.  Then we can go back to complaining about which millionaire isn't worth his bucks and  pretending we know how to solve all the problems on the team.  

 

What would you give for a clean crisp drink of lucky lager?

 

 

 

Words, like please and thank you, and right &^@#in' now.

 

 

How much would a hot tub full of lucky lager cost, tub included?

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