Relationship Advice Needed

[Dazzle]

I've been in a really stable relationship for 4.5 years. Girlfriend is really similar to me personality wise. Chemistry is very strong. However, I can't seem to convince her to be more confident with herself, particularly with her looks.

 

I think she looks decent without her glasses but she otherwise doesn't put much effort into her looks, and by this, I don't mean it in a good way. She says she looks ugly but she doesn't change anything on her own to fix this, though I have assured her many times she looks cute. I did my part already and I'm getting annoyed.

 

I went into this relationship thinking I could help her be more confident. I love her personality. I admire her many good traits. But I don't like how she doesn't change the things she needs to be more confident. (I.e makeup). Nothing changes if you don't make changes. If you don't like your appearance so much, why not change it up? She also says she needs to lose weight but isn't doing anything to fix this.

 

I understand that I'll probably sound kinda shallow but I love her for our compatibility. We get along really really well. But I didn't like how she just close the door on stuff and leaving things as they are. In the meantime she just keeps complaining about her looks in pictures, but makes no changes to satisfy herself. It's kinda frustrating.

 

I sent her my first "drama" passive aggressive text message ever in our relationship. "sorry for bringing it up". Communication has been a strength of ours yet she doesn't seem to understand that I am getting frustrated.

 

Need some constructive feedback. I don't care if I get negative comments because I'll have to re-evaluate myself and this relationship if need be.

 

Edited July 16, 2020 by Dazzle

[Nucker 67]

Hmm, my first thought was: maybe she would appreciate a day at the spa, a thoughtful gift - a day to herself to be pampered. Or heck, maybe a day for the both of you. She'd probably feel good about herself afterwards, and appreciate you thinking about her. Putting pressure on her to be more confident may backfire. She might feel okay with herself, and then you tell her she needs to do this or that or whatever. Could hurt her confidence. Buy her flowers, write her a love letter (my wife loves this stuff. I don't get it, but I don't have to), a little romance might help her feel more attractive about herself.

[Dazzle]

Just now, NUCKER67 said:

Hmm, my first thought was: maybe she would appreciate a day at the spa, a thoughtful gift - a day to herself to be pampered. Or heck, maybe a day for the both of you. She'd probably feel good about herself afterwards, and appreciate you thinking about her. Putting pressure on her to be more confident may backfire. She might feel okay with herself, and then you tell her she needs to do this or that or whatever. Could hurt her confidence. Buy her flowers, write her a love letter (my wife loves this stuff. I don't get it, but I don't have to), a little romance might help her feel more attractive about herself.

Thank you very much. I'll give this a try.

[diesel_3]

That's tough, man. You can't want it or care about it more than that person, it will never work that way. She has to want it for herself..maybe makeup or the latest fashion doesn't interest her in the slightest and there is nothing you can do about that. It sounds like she is an awesome person, which sometimes is hard to find these days. Are YOU happy with who you are in the relationship? If you feel like you can't be YOU with somebody because you want something different from them, maybe you have to look at that?

[Silky mitts]

Nothing worse than a comfortable women in a relationship. She will maybe act on these changes once you level up harder in fear of losing you. Ex: Hit the gym hard, dress nicer. 

 

This has always worked for me in the past. 

[PhillipBlunt]

14 minutes ago, NUCKER67 said:

Hmm, my first thought was: maybe she would appreciate a day at the spa, a thoughtful gift - a day to herself to be pampered. Or heck, maybe a day for the both of you. She'd probably feel good about herself afterwards, and appreciate you thinking about her. Putting pressure on her to be more confident may backfire. She might feel okay with herself, and then you tell her she needs to do this or that or whatever. Could hurt her confidence. Buy her flowers, write her a love letter (my wife loves this stuff. I don't get it, but I don't have to), a little romance might help her feel more attractive about herself.

For sure. The positive reinforcement works. Good idea, Nucker67. I think a spa day at a hotel with a night at the hotel afterwards might be the trick. 
 

[Chicken.]

tough one. self-care is an attractive trait to me when people can take care of themselves and initiate change rather than bottling up frustrations and/or repeated complaining. she has to want to make the changes for herself or nothing will happen, there is a level of awareness that comes with that. everybody has different motivations and it seems like she is struggling to find hers. perhaps it is an early 20's identity forming phase but if you have been together for 4+ years what you see is what you get for the most part. 

Edited July 16, 2020 by Chicken.

[hoggers]

be the change you want to see in others

[Intoewsables]

Have you talked to her about this aside from the passive-aggressive text? If not, make it clear to her that this is something that's bothering you and that you're willing to help her in any way you can. Maybe she wants to improve herself but just needs some guidance to help her get there?

 

On the flip side, if she tells you that she just wants to wallow in self-pity, you can decide whether that's a deal-breaker for you.

Edited July 16, 2020 by Intoewsables

[c00kies]

8 minutes ago, hoggers said:

be the change you want to see in others

I'm sure Dazzle could be a beautiful woman, but that's a big commitment on his side.

Edited July 16, 2020 by c00kies

[Warhippy]

Hey bud.

 

Lemme tell ya, I know the feeling.  My wife is beautiful.  Fit, tall lean and has incredible eyes.  But prior to me was never actually promoted as being such.  Her entire life before me was spent with parents who never praised her and one single boyfriend who treated her as an afterthought for a decade.  

 

It's taken me 14 years to get her to where she is now.  She frets about everything.  Acne scars (minor) shape, weight and more.  It took me 3 years in to our relationship for her to wear something that wasn't explicitly black.

 

If you love her, if you care.  Play the long game man.  Buy her some yoga pants just because you thought she'd enjoy lounging in them, pay for her hair to get done and suggest to her stylist in a note to do something moderately different but not drastic.  Find a photographer and pay for a couples session.  Take ENDLESS photos of her over a few months and post just some on your computer and keep a slideshow running, but make sure that slideshow doesn't show much of her.  She'll ask why 

 

If you're 4+ years in you're invested for a reason.  I've had moments where I was ready to walk out.  But every single time I realize how invested I was/am and it's beyond frustrating.  But if one of your biggest issues is how she views herself than you're lucky.  Because at days end, you see her as a queen and if she doesn't you can spend the rest of your life trying to prove it to her.

 

She'll recognize the hell out of that man.  I'm 14 years in and I'm still beyond thrilled with my human

[Toews]

You can never tell someone who they are, they just have to figure that out for themselves. Give her a gift that is a cosmetic product that isn't dirt cheap that you know she has used or will use and tell her how you feel. You can express to her the way you see her but don't expect her to change her opinion of herself based on your perspective. The things we say to ourselves, we reinforce over and over consciously and subconsciously over the period of months and years. That isn't going away with a single 'talk' so be patient. 

[c00kies]

1 hour ago, Warhippy said:

Hey bud.

 

Lemme tell ya, I know the feeling.  My wife is beautiful.  Fit, tall lean and has incredible eyes.  But prior to me was never actually promoted as being such.  Her entire life before me was spent with parents who never praised her and one single boyfriend who treated her as an afterthought for a decade.  

 

It's taken me 14 years to get her to where she is now.  She frets about everything.  Acne scars (minor) shape, weight and more.  It took me 3 years in to our relationship for her to wear something that wasn't explicitly black.

 

If you love her, if you care.  Play the long game man.  Buy her some yoga pants just because you thought she'd enjoy lounging in them, pay for her hair to get done and suggest to her stylist in a note to do something moderately different but not drastic.  Find a photographer and pay for a couples session.  Take ENDLESS photos of her over a few months and post just some on your computer and keep a slideshow running, but make sure that slideshow doesn't show much of her.  She'll ask why 

 

If you're 4+ years in you're invested for a reason.  I've had moments where I was ready to walk out.  But every single time I realize how invested I was/am and it's beyond frustrating.  But if one of your biggest issues is how she views herself than you're lucky.  Because at days end, you see her as a queen and if she doesn't you can spend the rest of your life trying to prove it to her.

 

She'll recognize the hell out of that man.  I'm 14 years in and I'm still beyond thrilled with my human

I'm going to piggyback off this.

 

I loved my ex, and yeah there were issues, but I wish I had never initially left.

 

I wanted to workout more and progress my career, but felt I didn't have the mental focus to do that and be with her, so I left.

 

Almost immediately I felt like it was a mistake, and realized I wanted to be with her, but I was stubborn and didn't want to go back right away.

 

Come January, I realized I wanted to marry her. Our connection, our love, how I felt with her, it was something I wanted forever...

 

But I waited too long, and now she has moved in with another guy and building her life with him.

 

I loved making her feel special, and wanted her to believe it as well.

 

I guess what I'm saying is the feelings you have with her, the connection and chemistry you have, it isn't worth giving up. If those feelings fade and no progress has been made, then sure it might be time to move on, but give it time and effort, and realize what is important to you.

[Warhippy]

4 minutes ago, c00kies said:

I'm going to piggyback off this.

 

I loved my ex, and yeah there were issues, but I wish I had never initially left.

 

I wanted to workout more and progress my career, but felt I didn't have the mental focus to do that and be with her, so I left.

 

Almost immediately I felt like it was a mistake, and realized I wanted to be with her, but I was stubborn and didn't want to go back right away.

 

Come January, I realized I wanted to marry her. Our connection, our love, how I felt with her, it was something I wanted forever...

 

But I waited too long, and now she has moved in with another guy and building her life with him.

 

I loved making her feel special, and wanted her to believe it as well.

 

I guess what I'm saying is the feelings you have with her, the connection and chemistry you have, it isn't worth giving up. If those feelings fade and no progress has been made, then sure it might be time to move on, but give it time and effort, and realize what is important to you.

There ya be man.  I always hated the idea of letting go.  In 14 years I have managed every year to bring my wife more and more out of her shell.  She is currently wandering around in shorty shorts and a bikini top a call with work.  10 years ago that would have never EVER happened.  She started loving herself more because I never stopped loving her or ever loved her less.

 

This is my now 39 year old person.  And I'd still to this day do anything fr her attention or to make her feel better about herself, life and more without blinking

 

[bishopshodan]

I can't help other than say as the years pass looks will matter less and less.

She needs to love herself as she is. You should too.

 

My wife is stunning. For real. She turns 50 in a month and could pass for early 30's. She's Iran / German ...thin, olive skin, no wrinkles, sharp features.

 

When we met I was a strapping young lad, I was in her 'league'. Although I keep myself in shape and I am 4 years younger.... I 'm getting wrinkles, my hair is going white and I am receding, So, for me the shoe is on the other foot due to good old father time.

 

We're best friends and still deeply in love. We've been together for 23yrs and I look forward to getting old with her.

If your post has taught me anything, I will make sure not to reduce myself, hate on myself around her. I owe it to her to love myself so that I can love her with all of me. 

Edited July 16, 2020 by bishopshodan

[-DLC-]

4 hours ago, Dazzle said:

I went into this relationship thinking I could help her be more confident.

This is glaring to me.  Haven't read any responses...just stopped dead in my tracks on this point.

 

You can't help her....she needs to help her and it may take more than changing her appearance.  Often times, confidence isn't about "looks" it's about feelings.  Some we're programmed with that stick from early on & some that society puts out there and has us questioning ourselves and our worth based on that bar being set there, rather unrealistically.  She needs to look at the before photo shop pictures to see that most people have flaws and need "work".  

 

And maybe she really doesn't want help or to change, but is gauging your reaction to that.  To see how YOU feel about her deep down.  

 

Then again, some people need constant reassurance and it's draining.  It's usually pretty deeply rooted and goes way beyond the surface stuff and "appearances".  And if it is solely appearance based, probably has been deeply engrained by now.  Not an easy "fix" and would likely require professional help.

 

I feel all you can do is love her "as is".  Not an idea of what she "could" be.   Support her because if you feel the need to "fix her"...is that "love"?  Or is that feeding something more about you and wanting to conquer this?  Not meaning to sound critical or cruel...just in the form of a question.

[Phil_314]

Props to the gents above who've made it work long-term.

All I could add is a piece of advice that I heard before, when it comes to girls don't frame the changes that you want to see as a challenge (e.g. some people say "why don't we _____?" e.g. hit the gym, shop for new clothes, etc.) since they have a way of internalizing it and projecting a flaw on themselves.  As such the guy way of communicating often leads to arguments and pent up anger from them.

Also agreed that it's tough when they don't want to change, and I learned it kinda the hard way -- met this girl online, we dated a couple times.  First time she showed up we went for an activity so I was thinking "it makes sense why she's dressed in athleisure, esp. in Vancouver".  Second time we met up for dinner, she was wearing basically the same, and she even mentioned how she wanted to have a super-casual dress code (e.g. sweats) if we got to getting married.  I thought she was joking but she was not.  After that dinner, she said she didn't feel it for me (maybe because of my surprise to her opinions, though I saw some other flags in her) but honestly I was glad it didn't work out. 

OP, while you may think it's shallow and you want to love them for who they are, it's only natural to see your s/o as an extension of yourself and if you don't appreciate the lack of effort that they put in, you'll either disdain them for not trying and have arguments or probably have a long road ahead since you wouldn't be attracted to them physically because after all love is skin-deep.

Edited July 16, 2020 by Phil_314

[Angry Goose]

@Dazzle Both of you should watch the Queer Eye on Netflix.  Use it as a vehicle to talk and open things up.  I find it to be such an inspiring and uplifting show.  Who knows, maybe it opens up some doors conversation wise.

[Nuxfanabroad]

Missus & I hit 25 yr anny in Oct..she still looks dynamite to me. I'd like to share wisdom on this jackpot, but I may's well write a bestseller on how to pick the lucky numbers!

 Sometimes you have to stop caring about everything, & just let it roll. I guess a sense of humour is nice..but can also get one killed.

 

& yeah, think one has to be comfortable in their own skin..or go full-on, Buffalo Bill!

 

Now excuse me as I run off to check yesterday's LOTTO numbers...

[bishopshodan]

Since reading this thread , old Public Enemy lines popped up in my head. I think of these now and again. 

 

If you don't love yourself you can't love nobody
If you don't know yourself, then you nobody

 

Kinda harsh, and it often doesn't happen overnight but something I think is important to strive for in ones life. Truly understanding who you are and what you want out of this limited time we all have.