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Hmm, my first thought was: maybe she would appreciate a day at the spa, a thoughtful gift - a day to herself to be pampered. Or heck, maybe a day for the both of you. She'd probably feel good about herself afterwards, and appreciate you thinking about her. Putting pressure on her to be more confident may backfire. She might feel okay with herself, and then you tell her she needs to do this or that or whatever. Could hurt her confidence. Buy her flowers, write her a love letter (my wife loves this stuff. I don't get it, but I don't have to), a little romance might help her feel more attractive about herself.

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Just now, NUCKER67 said:

Hmm, my first thought was: maybe she would appreciate a day at the spa, a thoughtful gift - a day to herself to be pampered. Or heck, maybe a day for the both of you. She'd probably feel good about herself afterwards, and appreciate you thinking about her. Putting pressure on her to be more confident may backfire. She might feel okay with herself, and then you tell her she needs to do this or that or whatever. Could hurt her confidence. Buy her flowers, write her a love letter (my wife loves this stuff. I don't get it, but I don't have to), a little romance might help her feel more attractive about herself.

Thank you very much. I'll give this a try.

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That's tough, man. You can't want it or care about it more than that person, it will never work that way. She has to want it for herself..maybe makeup or the latest fashion doesn't interest her in the slightest and there is nothing you can do about that. It sounds like she is an awesome person, which sometimes is hard to find these days. Are YOU happy with who you are in the relationship? If you feel like you can't be YOU with somebody because you want something different from them, maybe you have to look at that?

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Nothing worse than a comfortable women in a relationship. She will maybe act on these changes once you level up harder in fear of losing you. Ex: Hit the gym hard, dress nicer. 

 

This has always worked for me in the past. 

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14 minutes ago, NUCKER67 said:

Hmm, my first thought was: maybe she would appreciate a day at the spa, a thoughtful gift - a day to herself to be pampered. Or heck, maybe a day for the both of you. She'd probably feel good about herself afterwards, and appreciate you thinking about her. Putting pressure on her to be more confident may backfire. She might feel okay with herself, and then you tell her she needs to do this or that or whatever. Could hurt her confidence. Buy her flowers, write her a love letter (my wife loves this stuff. I don't get it, but I don't have to), a little romance might help her feel more attractive about herself.

For sure. The positive reinforcement works. Good idea, Nucker67. I think a spa day at a hotel with a night at the hotel afterwards might be the trick
 

monty python wink GIF

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tough one. self-care is an attractive trait to me when people can take care of themselves and initiate change rather than bottling up frustrations and/or repeated complaining. she has to want to make the changes for herself or nothing will happen, there is a level of awareness that comes with that. everybody has different motivations and it seems like she is struggling to find hers. perhaps it is an early 20's identity forming phase but if you have been together for 4+ years what you see is what you get for the most part. 

Edited by Chicken.
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Have you talked to her about this aside from the passive-aggressive text? If not, make it clear to her that this is something that's bothering you and that you're willing to help her in any way you can. Maybe she wants to improve herself but just needs some guidance to help her get there?

 

On the flip side, if she tells you that she just wants to wallow in self-pity, you can decide whether that's a deal-breaker for you.

Edited by Intoewsables
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You can never tell someone who they are, they just have to figure that out for themselves. Give her a gift that is a cosmetic product that isn't dirt cheap that you know she has used or will use and tell her how you feel. You can express to her the way you see her but don't expect her to change her opinion of herself based on your perspective. The things we say to ourselves, we reinforce over and over consciously and subconsciously over the period of months and years. That isn't going away with a single 'talk' so be patient. 

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1 hour ago, Warhippy said:

Hey bud.

 

Lemme tell ya, I know the feeling.  My wife is beautiful.  Fit, tall lean and has incredible eyes.  But prior to me was never actually promoted as being such.  Her entire life before me was spent with parents who never praised her and one single boyfriend who treated her as an afterthought for a decade.  

 

It's taken me 14 years to get her to where she is now.  She frets about everything.  Acne scars (minor) shape, weight and more.  It took me 3 years in to our relationship for her to wear something that wasn't explicitly black.

 

If you love her, if you care.  Play the long game man.  Buy her some yoga pants just because you thought she'd enjoy lounging in them, pay for her hair to get done and suggest to her stylist in a note to do something moderately different but not drastic.  Find a photographer and pay for a couples session.  Take ENDLESS photos of her over a few months and post just some on your computer and keep a slideshow running, but make sure that slideshow doesn't show much of her.  She'll ask why 

 

If you're 4+ years in you're invested for a reason.  I've had moments where I was ready to walk out.  But every single time I realize how invested I was/am and it's beyond frustrating.  But if one of your biggest issues is how she views herself than you're lucky.  Because at days end, you see her as a queen and if she doesn't you can spend the rest of your life trying to prove it to her.

 

She'll recognize the hell out of that man.  I'm 14 years in and I'm still beyond thrilled with my human

I'm going to piggyback off this.

 

I loved my ex, and yeah there were issues, but I wish I had never initially left.

 

I wanted to workout more and progress my career, but felt I didn't have the mental focus to do that and be with her, so I left.

 

Almost immediately I felt like it was a mistake, and realized I wanted to be with her, but I was stubborn and didn't want to go back right away.

 

Come January, I realized I wanted to marry her. Our connection, our love, how I felt with her, it was something I wanted forever...

 

But I waited too long, and now she has moved in with another guy and building her life with him.

 

I loved making her feel special, and wanted her to believe it as well.

 

I guess what I'm saying is the feelings you have with her, the connection and chemistry you have, it isn't worth giving up. If those feelings fade and no progress has been made, then sure it might be time to move on, but give it time and effort, and realize what is important to you.

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I can't help other than say as the years pass looks will matter less and less.

She needs to love herself as she is. You should too.

 

My wife is stunning. For real. She turns 50 in a month and could pass for early 30's. She's Iran / German ...thin, olive skin, no wrinkles, sharp features.

 

When we met I was a strapping young lad, I was in her 'league'. Although I keep myself in shape and I am 4 years younger.... I 'm getting wrinkles, my hair is going white and I am receding, So, for me the shoe is on the other foot due to good old father time.

 

We're best friends and still deeply in love. We've been together for 23yrs and I look forward to getting old with her.

If your post has taught me anything, I will make sure not to reduce myself, hate on myself around her. I owe it to her to love myself so that I can love her with all of me. 

Edited by bishopshodan
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Props to the gents above who've made it work long-term.

All I could add is a piece of advice that I heard before, when it comes to girls don't frame the changes that you want to see as a challenge (e.g. some people say "why don't we _____?" e.g. hit the gym, shop for new clothes, etc.) since they have a way of internalizing it and projecting a flaw on themselves.  As such the guy way of communicating often leads to arguments and pent up anger from them.

Also agreed that it's tough when they don't want to change, and I learned it kinda the hard way -- met this girl online, we dated a couple times.  First time she showed up we went for an activity so I was thinking "it makes sense why she's dressed in athleisure, esp. in Vancouver".  Second time we met up for dinner, she was wearing basically the same, and she even mentioned how she wanted to have a super-casual dress code (e.g. sweats) if we got to getting married.  I thought she was joking but she was not.  After that dinner, she said she didn't feel it for me (maybe because of my surprise to her opinions, though I saw some other flags in her) but honestly I was glad it didn't work out. 

OP, while you may think it's shallow and you want to love them for who they are, it's only natural to see your s/o as an extension of yourself and if you don't appreciate the lack of effort that they put in, you'll either disdain them for not trying and have arguments or probably have a long road ahead since you wouldn't be attracted to them physically because after all love is skin-deep.

Edited by Phil_314
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Missus & I hit 25 yr anny in Oct..she still looks dynamite to me. I'd like to share wisdom on this jackpot, but I may's well write a bestseller on how to pick the lucky numbers!

 Sometimes you have to stop caring about everything, & just let it roll. I guess a sense of humour is nice..but can also get one killed.

 

& yeah, think one has to be comfortable in their own skin..or go full-on, Buffalo Bill!

 

Now excuse me as I run off to check yesterday's LOTTO numbers...

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