Relationship Advice Needed

[Patel Bure]

1) Never go into a relationship wanting to change someone.

 

2) Let your girlfriend know that you think she's beautiful and you're not just saying that because you are with her.   Give her indirect advice such as, "the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting the same result, and that sometimes to progress, we need to try different things to get different results."

 

All the best!

Edited July 16, 2020 by DarkIndianRises

[Tortorella's Rant]

MGTOW

Perks: you keep your money. you don't come to forums making posts like this. If the relation evolves into marriage, there's a solid chance she'll take half your $&!#. If you have kids, you'll be broke. Exhibit A: half of the adult population and most long term relationships and marriages since ever. 

[bishopshodan]

3 minutes ago, Tortorella's Rant said:

MGTOW

Perks: you keep your money. you don't come to forums making posts like this. If the relation evolves into marriage, there's a solid chance she'll take half your $&!#. If you have kids, you'll be broke. Exhibit A: half of the adult population and most long term relationships and marriages since ever. 

Whoa.

Didn't have a clue what you were talking about...

...googled.

 

I believe you haven't hung out with the right women.  Lots of fish in the sea as they say.

[Tortorella's Rant]

8 minutes ago, bishopshodan said:

Whoa.

Didn't have a clue what you were talking about...

...googled.

 

I believe you haven't hung out with the right women.  Lots of fish in the sea as they say.

I have. I mean there isn't anything wrong with being single. People are so fixated on "finding that special" someone. I really don't get it. Being single can suck; being in a crappy marriage or divorced sucks far more and that's only got about a 50% success rate, roughly. 

 

Edited July 16, 2020 by Tortorella's Rant

[bishopshodan]

2 minutes ago, Tortorella's Rant said:

I have. I mean there isn't anything wrong with being single. People are so fixated on "finding that special" someone. I really don't get it. Being single can suck; being in a crappy marriage or divorced sucks far more and that's only got about a 50% success rate, roughly. 

 

Nothing wrong at all with being single. I don't mind how anyone lives. Any relationship, any style of life, all that. As long as they are not hurting anyone else.

 

Some of the things I quickly read about the MGTOW beliefs though seem a bit INCEL-ish.. claiming feminism has destroyed society etc..

 

I would have never hung out with a girl that was cookie cutter, high maintenance, stereo typical but they are not the only ones out there. I also have never had a desire to breed, so it I feel lucky to find my partner. That said, if she was to leave me, I don't see myself marrying again. I don't get bored much and love being by myself. It's just that she still enriches my life in ways I never expected. It makes me hope I do the same for her life. 

[nux4lyfe]

4 hours ago, 6of1_halfdozenofother said:

Pro-tip: don't go into a relationship thinking you can change someone.

 

And I mean this in a good sort of way.  Regardless of how pure your intentions are, if someone doesn't want to change, they won't, and trying to convince them that "change is good" will only backfire on you.

 

Good luck.  Maybe you deserve better, but good that you're at least patient with the person you love.

This.

My ex drove me crazy to the point I had to break up with her. As hot as she was, it was just not worth it. First couple yrs were fine but damn she started playing games and tried to change me, Nope, Not having it.

[Nuxfanabroad]

28 minutes ago, Tortorella's Rant said:

MGTOW

Perks: you keep your money. you don't come to forums making posts like this. If the relation evolves into marriage, there's a solid chance she'll take half your $&!#. If you have kids, you'll be broke. Exhibit A: half of the adult population and most long term relationships and marriages since ever. 

There are a lot of great arguments supporting this philosophy. If I'd stayed in the west, think would prob be a MGTOW-monk.

 

Ultimately it seems the PTB(ruling elites) went the divide & conquer route, over a succession of decades. Both males & females were led to a nasty poisoned well. In all honesty, it was a large part of the reason I went to Asia in the mid 90's.

[Monty]

I don’t know, every relationship is different. Been married almost 17 years, each year better than the last. If you care about her and, more importantly, are just as crazy about her now more than ever, then just talk to her. Your love and kindness will/should be conveyed easily, then.

 

It’s important to remember that we all adjust and make changes differently than the next, especially in areas that we are particularly weak in. Even after talking, being realistic and keep perspective that a change to her will first start mentally. The smallest change and changes will likely be unnoticeable to you. At that point, your “job” is to love and support her in no matter how she approaches that journey, at her pace. And that pace could take months or years to begin, or may never begin, and that’s her choice. You have to decide if that’s really a deal breaker. If it is, well, I don’t know. Bigger issues at play, I guess.

Edited July 16, 2020 by Monty

[Down by the River]

20 minutes ago, Monty said:

I don’t know, every relationship is different. Been married almost 17 years, each year better than the last. If you’re care about her and, more importantly, are just as crazy about her now more than ever, then just talk to her. Your love and kindness will/should be conveyed easily, then.

 

It’s important to remember that we all adjust and make changes differently than the next, especially in areas that we are particularly weak in. Even after talking, being realistic and keep perspective that a change to her will first start mentally. The smallest change and changes will likely be unnoticeable to you. At that point, your “job” is to love and support her in no matter how she approaches that journey, at her pace. And that pace could take months or years to begin, or may never begin, and that’s he choice. You have to decide if that’s really a deal breaker. If it is, well, I don’t know. Bigger issues at play, I guess.

This. Sometimes you have to be okay with a relationship failing if you believe that there is something that you need that your partner won't change. Recognizing that it is not going to work and dealing with the fallout of that might be an easier and healthier path than trying to spend effort changing a person that does not want to change. 

[stawns]

5 hours ago, Dazzle said:

I've been in a really stable relationship for 4.5 years. Girlfriend is really similar to me personality wise. Chemistry is very strong. However, I can't seem to convince her to be more confident with herself, particularly with her looks.

 

I think she looks decent without her glasses but she otherwise doesn't put much effort into her looks, and by this, I don't mean it in a good way. She says she looks ugly but she doesn't change anything on her own to fix this, though I have assured her many times she looks cute. I did my part already and I'm getting annoyed.

 

I went into this relationship thinking I could help her be more confident. I love her personality. I admire her many good traits. But I don't like how she doesn't change the things she needs to be more confident. (I.e makeup). Nothing changes if you don't make changes. If you don't like your appearance so much, why not change it up? She also says she needs to lose weight but isn't doing anything to fix this.

 

I understand that I'll probably sound kinda shallow but I love her for our compatibility. We get along really really well. But I didn't like how she just close the door on stuff and leaving things as they are. In the meantime she just keeps complaining about her looks in pictures, but makes no changes to satisfy herself. It's kinda frustrating.

 

I sent her my first "drama" passive aggressive text message ever in our relationship. "sorry for bringing it up". Communication has been a strength of ours yet she doesn't seem to understand that I am getting frustrated.

 

Need some constructive feedback. I don't care if I get negative comments because I'll have to re-evaluate myself and this relationship if need be.

 

my experience is that you can't change people, they have to change themselves.  You just have to accept who she is, and support that, or move on if it doesn't feel right.  Neither option makes you any worse of a person.

[stawns]

1 hour ago, DarkIndianRises said:

1) Never go into a relationship wanting to change someone.

 

2) Let your girlfriend know that you think she's beautiful and you're not just saying that because you are with her.   Give her indirect advice such as, "the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again expecting the same result, and that sometimes to progress, we need to try different things to get different results."

 

All the best!

yup............it'sdeeply nfair to place that kind of pressure on a partner, imo.  You either love the person for who they are or you don't...........nothing is worse for a relationship than viewing the other party as a "project"

[Gurn]

3 hours ago, Warhippy said:

There ya be man.  I always hated the idea of letting go.  In 14 years I have managed every year to bring my wife more and more out of her shell.  She is currently wandering around in shorty shorts and a bikini top a call with work.  10 years ago that would have never EVER happened.  She started loving herself more because I never stopped loving her or ever loved her less.

 

This is my now 39 year old person.  And I'd still to this day do anything fr her attention or to make her feel better about herself, life and more without blinking

 

She has beautiful eyes.

[the grinder]

7 hours ago, Dazzle said:

I've been in a really stable relationship for 4.5 years. Girlfriend is really similar to me personality wise. Chemistry is very strong. However, I can't seem to convince her to be more confident with herself, particularly with her looks.

 

I think she looks decent without her glasses but she otherwise doesn't put much effort into her looks, and by this, I don't mean it in a good way. She says she looks ugly but she doesn't change anything on her own to fix this, though I have assured her many times she looks cute. I did my part already and I'm getting annoyed.

 

I went into this relationship thinking I could help her be more confident. I love her personality. I admire her many good traits. But I don't like how she doesn't change the things she needs to be more confident. (I.e makeup). Nothing changes if you don't make changes. If you don't like your appearance so much, why not change it up? She also says she needs to lose weight but isn't doing anything to fix this.

 

I understand that I'll probably sound kinda shallow but I love her for our compatibility. We get along really really well. But I didn't like how she just close the door on stuff and leaving things as they are. In the meantime she just keeps complaining about her looks in pictures, but makes no changes to satisfy herself. It's kinda frustrating.

 

I sent her my first "drama" passive aggressive text message ever in our relationship. "sorry for bringing it up". Communication has been a strength of ours yet she doesn't seem to understand that I am getting frustrated.

 

Need some constructive feedback. I don't care if I get negative comments because I'll have to re-evaluate myself and this relationship if need be.

 

well first thing you, say see looks decent without glasses  and is cute  , then you wonder why she doesn't put in any effort in , women can pick up on that vibe   buddy you need to say she is beautiful not cute ,  take her out to get her nails done and hair done , take her shopping , take her to a spa  , she wants to lose weight go for a walk with her  , go to the gym together , go for a bike ride.  Maybe she is dropping hints she wants your support to do these things with you , but then again you said you have done your part , what did you do? just tell her to change her looks ,because that not gonna help her confidence . be supportive and do something nice for her ,,  

[Dazzle]

40 minutes ago, the grinder said:

well first thing you, say see looks decent without glasses  and is cute  , then you wonder why she doesn't put in any effort in , women can pick up on that vibe   buddy you need to say she is beautiful not cute ,  take her out to get her nails done and hair done , take her shopping , take her to a spa  , she wants to lose weight go for a walk with her  , go to the gym together , go for a bike ride.  Maybe she is dropping hints she wants your support to do these things with you , but then again you said you have done your part , what did you do? just tell her to change her looks ,because that not gonna help her confidence . be supportive and do something nice for her ,,  

That's not really how things are going down.

 

I have told her that she's beautiful and cute and pretty. When I lock eyes with her, I just wanna kiss her especially because I know she loves me.

 

I've offered to do something fun with her as a partner, but she's always making excuses. And it doesn't look like she has real interest in doing them, even with me. She's not really dieting either, but she keeps telling me over and over about losing weight.

 

I've told her that I think she can try something new. Maybe I will have to just take her to the salon and go "just have fun with some makeup - it's on me"? I don't think she'd like it to be honest. Even when she's with herself, she's not a makeup person. Furthermore, I've also told her that I would like her to be confident and that I'll always support her. She'll take my words but I don't feel like she is using me to get confident. Sigh.

 

Maybe after reading these comments, I'll try to stay with her and keep her happy. She makes me happy too, so it's not a one-way street. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not pleased with her words and no action.

[Russ]

10 hours ago, Dazzle said:

I've been in a really stable relationship for 4.5 years. Girlfriend is really similar to me personality wise. Chemistry is very strong. However, I can't seem to convince her to be more confident with herself, particularly with her looks.

 

I think she looks decent without her glasses but she otherwise doesn't put much effort into her looks, and by this, I don't mean it in a good way. She says she looks ugly but she doesn't change anything on her own to fix this, though I have assured her many times she looks cute. I did my part already and I'm getting annoyed.

 

I went into this relationship thinking I could help her be more confident. I love her personality. I admire her many good traits. But I don't like how she doesn't change the things she needs to be more confident. (I.e makeup). Nothing changes if you don't make changes. If you don't like your appearance so much, why not change it up? She also says she needs to lose weight but isn't doing anything to fix this.

 

I understand that I'll probably sound kinda shallow but I love her for our compatibility. We get along really really well. But I didn't like how she just close the door on stuff and leaving things as they are. In the meantime she just keeps complaining about her looks in pictures, but makes no changes to satisfy herself. It's kinda frustrating.

 

I sent her my first "drama" passive aggressive text message ever in our relationship. "sorry for bringing it up". Communication has been a strength of ours yet she doesn't seem to understand that I am getting frustrated.

 

Need some constructive feedback. I don't care if I get negative comments because I'll have to re-evaluate myself and this relationship if need be.

 

Story of every womans life.  You say they are beautiful and they say "oh your just saying that because you love me".  Wife asks why I don't say much anymore, I tell her I just get in trouble if I say the right or wrong thing some how lol.  Just get married, then she won't care as much hopefully, women judge themselves WAY to much, its one reason I was hoping to have a couple boys (ended up with 1 boy, 1 girl) just because there is so much pressure on women these days to look amazing in every photo, etc. when really they do look great normally but not up to their own standards unless they spend hours on makeup to doll themselves up and look picture perfect.  Its a weird idea that marketing and social media has gotten in their heads.

[kingofsurrey]

2 hours ago, Dazzle said:

That's not really how things are going down.

 

I have told her that she's beautiful and cute and pretty. When I lock eyes with her, I just wanna kiss her especially because I know she loves me.

 

I've offered to do something fun with her as a partner, but she's always making excuses. And it doesn't look like she has real interest in doing them, even with me. She's not really dieting either, but she keeps telling me over and over about losing weight.

 

I've told her that I think she can try something new. Maybe I will have to just take her to the salon and go "just have fun with some makeup - it's on me"? I don't think she'd like it to be honest. Even when she's with herself, she's not a makeup person. Furthermore, I've also told her that I would like her to be confident and that I'll always support her. She'll take my words but I don't feel like she is using me to get confident. Sigh.

 

Maybe after reading these comments, I'll try to stay with her and keep her happy. She makes me happy too, so it's not a one-way street. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not pleased with her words and no action.

Relationships are all about compromise.  If you can't compromise your wants/needs in appreciation for her positives.... 

Then time to move on.

 

You will never find the perfect partner though. Just ask yourself do you find her core values and beliefs match with you...

Then if you love her , you will look past any small deficiencies you see. You know you are not Perfect either.....

[Lancaster]

I was in a similar relationship before.  It sounds shallow, but some guys like to have an arm-candy.... and there's nothing wrong with that.  My ex used to never dressed nice.... and it was disappointing that whenever we go out, I see other girls all dolled up for their partner.  

It's not always about just looked.... when you go out of your way to look your best, you're spending effort towards your partner.  Whether it's dressing up, working out, or just cooking a fancy dinner... it's the effort and thought that counts.  My ex never did that for the entire 4-5 years we dated.  Eventually I just broke up with her.  

Afterwards, we both realized that we were just content with each other.... just too afraid to lose what we have.  We weren't really ecstatic with each other (aside from when we first started going out).

 

Now... I've a girl that's fashionable, albeit not into the fashion I would prefer her to wear.  But that's where you have to meet half way.  Most girls would dress up... but they have to have a good reason for it.  Going to the mall and grocery shopping isn't going to cut it.  Weddings, fancy dinner + symphony, parties, etc.... outings where dressing up is required.  Be sure if you're looking your finest too.  Don't expect her to dress up in make up, high heel boots and a bodycon dress while you're wearing cargo shorts and wrinkled Ed Hardy shirt from the mid-2000's.  

 

If that still doesn't work... you might just need to cut your losses and move on.  Chances are this will be a sticking point going forwards, so either one of you two has to change.... or it just won't work.  

[Justdean10]

Female here, if she isn't into make up then I wouldn't recommend taking her to go buy some or things like that. I'm not a make up wearer myself, but on the occasion that I do and people are like "Wow, you look so pretty today" is almost more of a confidence breaker than maker because you're saying the person has to put in effort to look beautiful. I'm a confident girl so I'm not really sure the best way to get her to feel comfortable with her appearance. Maybe just little things, have her as your phone screen saver. Tell her you want a new picture every week to put on your phone to have, and make sure to always comment on said photo. I'm pretty easy to compliment though, so I'm not sure the best way to go about it. 
 

[Jester13]

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this, but get her to see a professional about this, and you possibly see that person with her. There are always deeper reasons why an extreme lack of confidence is present, and nothing is likely to change unless she learns why she feels the way that she does. 

 

My wife and I both saw people early on for different, and the same, reasons, and we get better and better every gdang day. You know the saying how you can't love another until you love yourself? Well, how can you truly love yourself if you don't know yourself first?

 

We'll be 13 years married this September. 

[Sharpshooter]

3 hours ago, Dazzle said:

That's not really how things are going down.

 

I have told her that she's beautiful and cute and pretty. When I lock eyes with her, I just wanna kiss her especially because I know she loves me.

 

I've offered to do something fun with her as a partner, but she's always making excuses. And it doesn't look like she has real interest in doing them, even with me. She's not really dieting either, but she keeps telling me over and over about losing weight.

 

I've told her that I think she can try something new. Maybe I will have to just take her to the salon and go "just have fun with some makeup - it's on me"? I don't think she'd like it to be honest. Even when she's with herself, she's not a makeup person. Furthermore, I've also told her that I would like her to be confident and that I'll always support her. She'll take my words but I don't feel like she is using me to get confident. Sigh.

 

Maybe after reading these comments, I'll try to stay with her and keep her happy. She makes me happy too, so it's not a one-way street. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not pleased with her words and no action.

My advice is two-fold. 
 

1) Be honest and upfront. Tell her exactly what you’re thinking/feeling and don’t mince words. Be direct but be a gentleman. That may be tough to do but it’s necessary to have an honest response/reaction. 
 

2) Be prepared to walk away. Think about this one though. If you love her as much as you say you do then you have to ask yourself if her current self is ‘good enough’. If she has no plans in changing then the response itself is a clear indication that she’s not going to. Walk away. If you don’t you may start feeling resentment later on which will only produce toxicity within you because she didn’t make the effort even after you raised the issue, and then it may manifest as toxicity within the relationship; by you or by her. 
 

Sometimes when you’re young, the decision to move on is the hardest thing to do, but ultimately the best thing to do for yourself and your future. 

 

27 minutes ago, Justdean10 said:

Female here, if she isn't into make up then I wouldn't recommend taking her to go buy some or things like that. I'm not a make up wearer myself, but on the occasion that I do and people are like "Wow, you look so pretty today" is almost more of a confidence breaker than maker because you're saying the person has to put in effort to look beautiful. I'm a confident girl so I'm not really sure the best way to get her to feel comfortable with her appearance. Maybe just little things, have her as your phone screen saver. Tell her you want a new picture every week to put on your phone to have, and make sure to always comment on said photo. I'm pretty easy to compliment though, so I'm not sure the best way to go about it. 
 

An effort ought to be made for your partner. Not making an effort can be interpreted as they’re not worth making an effort for.

 

I don’t know how you could ever think people complimenting you could make you less confident. If that’s the case then you may have self confidence issues, which is normal, but not healthy. 
 

24 minutes ago, Jester13 said:

I'm surprised no one has mentioned this, but get her to see a professional about this, and you possibly see that person with her. There are always deeper reasons why an extreme lack of confidence is present, and nothing is likely to change unless she learns why she feels the way that she does. 

 

My wife and I both saw people early on for different, and the same, reasons, and we get better and better every gdang day. You know the saying how you can't love another until you love yourself? Well, how can you truly love yourself if you don't know yourself first?

 

We'll be 13 years married this September. 

Marriage or couples counselling is the best idea at the best of times in a relationship and even more urgent and necessary at the worst of times. 
 

There’s never anything to be ashamed about in going to see a counsellor. They’re not there no blame anyone or break people up. You’re smarter and stronger as a couple if you see one.