have you ever,

[smithers joe]

On 11/14/2020 at 11:03 AM, bishopshodan said:

I procrastinated on moving back to the Island from Vancouver.

I had known I would move back and be close to my family, I wanted to be with my parents as they got older.

 

None of us could have known the tickle in dad's throat would turn out to be the early signs of ALS.

They predicted he had a year left when he got diagnosed and they were right. He died a few days after he and mum's 50th anniversary. I think he held on to make sure they got to that milestone.

 

In that last year I saw a big strong tough Brit turn into a skeleton of a man with a feeding tube that could barely move any more. I rode the ferries a lot that year and battled some internal stuff that I am still not over, I don't think I ever will. I regret not making the move sooner. Just mum and I were with him when he passed, It was a hard moment but I am grateful to be with them at that moment. 

 

 I'm here now, we've built a granny suite for mum.

I never told dad I loved him, I regret that too. Cause I did dad. 

i never knew my dad but met him once when i was 16 for 15 minutes. i wanted to hug him but he didn’t seem to think of me as anything else but a stranger. he disappeared after that and no one saw him again. my sister kept looking for him and eventually it was found that a john doe was found died in skid row in los angeles in 1961 was my dad. he had lived in the streets for 6 years. how lonely and degrading it must have been to finish your life with no one to love you or care about. i told deb this story once. i use to help homeless people here and one old native man especially. in my mind he became my father’s memory. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by smithers joe

[Boudrias]

To lighten the tone a tad I can tell a story about my father-in-law who I loved dearly. Dad was a Saskatchewan farmer who had the inner strength to chance moving his family to BC in 1954. This story was about farming with horses. His brother joined up in 1942 and Dad at 18 had to run the farm on his own. In '46 his brother returned and they farmed with horses for another year before buying a 28 HP tractor. Dad and brother had cobbled a hitch on their plow so as to be able to pull it behind their new tractor. So Dad was riding on the old seat of the plow so he could lift the plow up for corners. As they head home for lunch Bill is gearing the tractor up to hurry the process. Hungry I guess. So he hits a rock with the plow and Dad is thrown forward over Bill's head and lands on the run infront of the tractor. Bill hadn't seen him fly over and jumped off the tractor thinking he had ran Dad over with the plow. He is on his hands and knees screaming as he pushed dirt aside looking for Dad as Dad walked up behind him. All is well that ends well. The sad note is that with the tractor they could not keep their 10 draft horses and had to ship them out. To his dying day at 88 years old Dad could rattle off the names of all those horses and did so with a tear in his eye as he loved them so much. 

 

We often sat in the back yard and talked about farming. My family had come to Carmangay with 2 steam tractors in 1907 which amazed Dad. Farmers had done well during WW I and Dad's father decided to build a new farmhouse in Lipton, Sask. Well many might know the good times didn't last and drought hit in 1920. Dad referred to the house as the "white elephant". When Dad took the farm over in '45 he  said he went into the bank and told them to give him a payout figure on the mortgage or he was leaving the farm. The bank gave him a good enough deal that he stayed.  

[smithers joe]

yes on a lighter note, i’ll re-tell a story i told on here a couple of years ago. when i worked with mentally challenged adults, i took 5 of them to town to get hair cuts. the shop was very busy and one young girl was given to cut all my group’s hair. jim was the last to get his hair cut. the girl finish off by using the blow dryer on his hair. he said, is this the famous blow job, i’ve heard so much about? for 30 seconds you could hear a pin drop in that crowded shop. i uncomfortly i moved my crew out of there. out of the mouths of babes. 

Edited November 15, 2020 by smithers joe

[ThatPope]

 

[CBH1926]

Just now, kingofsurrey said:

Really have no idea why gyms in the lower mainland are allowed to be open.  Makes no sense.

 

I guess that is what happens when you have a  current BC government with ZERO  plan to limit covid in our province.   

TBH, gym is pretty much the last place I would go to during the pandemic.

Not sure why any of them are open period.

[Bad_BOI_pete]

7 hours ago, diesel_3 said:

I really appreciate threads like these.

Thanks everyone for sharing. I know this is a hockey message board, but it's really nice seeing the human side of things.

Ya, there may be a group of the 'edgy' internet trolls on every message board, but for the most part, this forum is made up of some really good people who have some amazing stories to tell. I don't really know any of you personally, but I would be lying if I didn't well up reading some of these stories, man. Life is tough and I think reading that other people also go through adversity and make it out on other side is very encouraging that we are a versatile and adaptive bunch (humans).

 

Thank you for taking the time to share intimate parts of your lives. I have been lucky to have not lost anybody in my immediate family (Save for a Dad who chose booze over his kids -- Abandonment is it's own beast lol) but my mom has been going through health issues and it's a real wake up call. I'm 35 and my mom is 60, she developed this stomach bug that eats the inner lining of her stomach and in some cases, can later develop into stomach cancer. Her and my step-dad of 22 years just split up this year, he has his own demons which come from a very crazy upbringing (Low SES, abusive Dad, Mom died of Cancer, Dad committed suicide in their family home after setting it on fire...) and now is when I really feel I have to step up and help. She has a bit of property and a small place, but her home is heated by wood stove...all of their lawn maintenance tools, well...anything for that matter is complete junk, stuff always bought 2nd hand or you have to do some sort weird jerry-rigged way of starting a piece of equipment. My family doesn't talk about issues, we never have, we kind of find out in a weird way or almost through a joke as if we are still kids being protected from harmful information, it gets annoying, I wish we were told outright what was going on and how we can help. 

 

I have always felt like I am not a very good son. After my operational stress injury, I have lived in a hole for the last 10 years....these last couple of years I am slowly making my way back out and have been working towards bettering myself, but I still suck at the interpersonal stuff, especially with family. We never hugged or said 'I love you' much at all, we were a family that was just tried to survive, mom worked 3 jobs when my sister and I were younger, I was a bit of a handful when I was younger and didn't make it easy on Mom. I am now trying to make amends for not always being there. I just know that when the time comes, I want to be able to tell myself I did everything I could to help out, I always want to be there for my Mom especially if her health gets worse...that's what a good, able-body son SHOULD do, right? I have no problem chopping and stacking wood or mowing a lawn, but i'm almost afraid to start doing it for her. My Mom was always so strong, so tough, she intimidated men because she didn't take sh*t from anyone. Even when my Folks were still together, we weren't afraid of Dad, he was just a drunk puppy dog, harmless really. Mom was who were REALLY afraid of, she yelled, we got spanked (with the wooden/plastic spoons that would break over my arse, too!) I think i'm just so afraid of seeing her old and weak, it hurts.

 

I really don't know why I typed all of that out.

it's on your mind, it feels good to share your feelings with people. even a internet stranger. take care

 

[Bad_BOI_pete]

5 hours ago, smithers joe said:

yes on a lighter note, ill retell a story i told on here a couple of years ago. when i worked with mentally challenged adults, i took 5 of them to town to get hair cuts. the shop was very busy and one young girl was given to cut all my group’s hair. jim was the last to get his hair cut. the girl finish off by using the blow dryer on his hair. he said, is this the famous blow job, i’ve heard so much about? for 30 seconds you could hear a pin drop in that crowded shop. i uncomfortly moved my crew out of there. out of the mouths of babes. 

that happened? im dead

[Roger Neilsons Towel]

My wife had just given birth to our first son but had terrible side effects of the epidural. She couldn’t even sit upright without being in excruciating pain and crying. On top of that she was dealing with some pretty heavy postpartum. My grandfather, whom I was always incredibly close with was 90 years old and wanted to come visit us from Vancouver Island and hold our son. My wife was having such a hard time that I said it wasn’t a good time right now and that we would plan another visit. He died of a heart attack shortly after and never got to meet my son. When I got the phone call I threw down my phone and punched the wall so hard that I punched through both the drywall on my side of the room and through the drywall into the bathroom on the other side. I left the house with my wife calling after me and walked in the rain until I was soaking wet and crying uncontrollably and calling out Papa. I’ve never forgiven myself. I was just trying to do the best thing for my family but that thought doesn’t make it any easier and I don’t think it ever will. 

[Boudrias]

8 hours ago, Roger Neilsons Towel said:

My wife had just given birth to our first son but had terrible side effects of the epidural. She couldn’t even sit upright without being in excruciating pain and crying. On top of that she was dealing with some pretty heavy postpartum. My grandfather, whom I was always incredibly close with was 90 years old and wanted to come visit us from Vancouver Island and hold our son. My wife was having such a hard time that I said it wasn’t a good time right now and that we would plan another visit. He died of a heart attack shortly after and never got to meet my son. When I got the phone call I threw down my phone and punched the wall so hard that I punched through both the drywall on my side of the room and through the drywall into the bathroom on the other side. I left the house with my wife calling after me and walked in the rain until I was soaking wet and crying uncontrollably and calling out Papa. I’ve never forgiven myself. I was just trying to do the best thing for my family but that thought doesn’t make it any easier and I don’t think it ever will. 

I think as you get older you start to realize the real currency of life is time. How many times did I drive past my Grandma's house without stopping. She died at 82 which seems young these days but she died in her sleep at home. That was a blessing.  

[smithers joe]

we often hold hurt and pain inside us for years. but how good does it feel to let go the hurt by speaking it out loud? we could even help others by lending our ears to their hurts.

[smithers joe]

10 hours ago, Roger Neilsons Towel said:

My wife had just given birth to our first son but had terrible side effects of the epidural. She couldn’t even sit upright without being in excruciating pain and crying. On top of that she was dealing with some pretty heavy postpartum. My grandfather, whom I was always incredibly close with was 90 years old and wanted to come visit us from Vancouver Island and hold our son. My wife was having such a hard time that I said it wasn’t a good time right now and that we would plan another visit. He died of a heart attack shortly after and never got to meet my son. When I got the phone call I threw down my phone and punched the wall so hard that I punched through both the drywall on my side of the room and through the drywall into the bathroom on the other side. I left the house with my wife calling after me and walked in the rain until I was soaking wet and crying uncontrollably and calling out Papa. I’ve never forgiven myself. I was just trying to do the best thing for my family but that thought doesn’t make it any easier and I don’t think it ever will. 

how is your wife now? how are you now? please forgive yourself.

[smithers joe]

when i worked with young offenders, we had them fill out question airs before they left. we wanted to know if we had helped them at all. one of the questions we asked was, was the staff helpful? this one young man had came to us with so much hate for adults and for all those in authority,  wrote that i was like his grandfather. i thought, i’m even old enough to be his grandfather. in another part of the report, he said, his grandfather was the most important person in his life. grampa’s are so important in our lives. i never knew mine, but did get to meet a grandmother, 2 weeks before she died. they lived in lac la biche alberta. actually she was in edmonton before she passed.

i’m a grampa now but don’t know how important i am in my grandson’s life. i hope i am he is 26 now.

Edited November 15, 2020 by smithers joe

[-DLC-]

13 hours ago, Roger Neilsons Towel said:

My wife had just given birth to our first son but had terrible side effects of the epidural. She couldn’t even sit upright without being in excruciating pain and crying. On top of that she was dealing with some pretty heavy postpartum. My grandfather, whom I was always incredibly close with was 90 years old and wanted to come visit us from Vancouver Island and hold our son. My wife was having such a hard time that I said it wasn’t a good time right now and that we would plan another visit. He died of a heart attack shortly after and never got to meet my son. When I got the phone call I threw down my phone and punched the wall so hard that I punched through both the drywall on my side of the room and through the drywall into the bathroom on the other side. I left the house with my wife calling after me and walked in the rain until I was soaking wet and crying uncontrollably and calling out Papa. I’ve never forgiven myself. I was just trying to do the best thing for my family but that thought doesn’t make it any easier and I don’t think it ever will. 

I understand this regret/pain.

 

At least yours was for "good reason" and in consideration of both your wife and your grandfather (as you likely thought it wouldn't be a great visit considering the situation).

 

My Grandmother had cancer and on a list of "Things To Do Today" that I kept, she was noted at about #11.  After things like:  "buy new dish towels".  What I didn't realize was that pancreatic was fast and furious.  I was on number 4 when she died.  I kept that list to remind me NEVER EVER to put loved ones anywhere but the top of the list.  It changed my perspective and priorities.  But I truly regret that I didn't put her there, at the top.  

 

She lived very close to me...there was no excuse.  We, too, were very close and she died in her early seventies...I just wasn't ready.  But should have been.

 

Go easy on yourself...your intentions were not selfish, as mine were at the time.  I was just too busy with meaningless stuff.  I've forgiven myself, but you just can't go back and change it.  Moving forward, I made sure I did  (in her honour).

[-DLC-]

9 hours ago, smithers joe said:

when i worked with young offenders, we had them fill out question airs before they left. we wanted to know if we had helped them at all. one of the questions we asked was, was the staff helpful? this one young man had came to us with so much hate for adults and for all those in authority,  wrote that i was like his grandfather. i thought, i’m even old enough to be his grandfather. in another part of the report, he said, his grandfather was the most important person in his life. grampa’s are so important in our lives. i never knew mine, but did get to meet a grandmother, 2 weeks before she died. they lived in lac la biche alberta. actually she was in edmonton before she passed.

i’m a grampa now but don’t know how important i am in my grandson’s life. i hope i am he is 26 now.

Grandchildren in their 20's often are getting settled as adults in life but the driving force is often the Grandparents, even if they get too busy to show it (as my story was...it wasn't I didn't really love her and find her important...I was just....busy).

 

My daughter's boyfriend has grown very close to my Dad and Dad calls him his Grandson.  Is so proud of him.  What I didn't know but just learned is that this lovely b/f of my girl never knew his Grandparents, who died before he was born.  It's become a very special bond between he and Dad.

 

That kid that you mentored likely got so much out of that relationship with you (too).  Not everyone takes the time to develop those when opportunity presents itself...would be a better world if we did.

[Bad_BOI_pete]

1 hour ago, debluvscanucks said:

I understand this regret/pain.

 

At least yours was for "good reason" and in consideration of both your wife and your grandfather (as you likely thought it wouldn't be a great visit considering the situation).

 

My Grandmother had cancer and on a list of "Things To Do Today" that I kept, she was noted at about #11.  After things like:  "buy new dish towels".  What I didn't realize was that pancreatic was fast and furious.  I was on number 4 when she died.  I kept that list to remind me NEVER EVER to put loved ones anywhere but the top of the list.  It changed my perspective and priorities.  But I truly regret that I didn't put her there, at the top.  

 

She lived very close to me...there was no excuse.  We, too, were very close and she died in her early seventies...I just wasn't ready.  But should have been.

 

Go easy on yourself...your intentions were not selfish, as mine were at the time.  I was just too busy with meaningless stuff.  I've forgiven myself, but you just can't go back and change it.  Moving forward, I made sure I did  (in her honour).

it's great that you had the courage to admit the mistake, and now have changed your thought process. That quality really is what seperates the good from the great.

 

PS your story about your grandmother was kind of similar to mine with my mom's death. I could have gone to the hospital that night, but after a 12 hour day of shovelling snow i was rather weary. I was planning on seeing her when i found out. But after checking the bus routes it was going to be another 1.5 hours of travel, somehow I changed my mind. 

 

Since then my sister and I have been helping out my step father alot. He's actually in a really bad state right now, and due to his severe rheumatoid arthritis and his alcholic coping mechanisms is not taking care of himself or the acreage. i dont mind helping, which is a good thing because he really needs it right now.

[Roger Neilsons Towel]

8 hours ago, smithers joe said:

how is your wife now? how are you now? please forgive yourself.

She recovered from the side effects completely after a couple procedures, but it took a few months. We have since had Twins and now have 3 healthy children and are a happy family of 5.
 

I am very grateful for all of the blessings we have in life but some mental burdens are hard to let go of. 

[smithers joe]

1 hour ago, Roger Neilsons Towel said:

She recovered from the side effects completely after a couple procedures, but it took a few months. We have since had Twins and now have 3 healthy children and are a happy family of 5.
 

I am very grateful for all of the blessings we have in life but some mental burdens are hard to let go of. 

let add my prayers for continued healing  in all your  lives.

[CaptKirk888]

I have read all of this thread and I can say that you are all strong humans. I think sometimes we get wrapped up in life and forget that everyone has their struggles, but we need to forgive ourselves for our short comings and mistakes because we are human. 

I told you how I lost my first wife to cancer at 35, she died in my arms in our home with our family surrounding us. She was a beautiful bright light in this world, she was always thinking about everyone else even though her life was ending. She told me that she didn't want me to be alone and unhappy, that it was OK to carry on and meet someone else.

As she lay in my arms that Oct. 4th morning I told her everything would be ok, we would carry on and always love her, she took her last breath right after I said that. Such an angel in life and after. 

Love to all of you. You are all good in your hearts, of that I have no doubt.

[Roger Neilsons Towel]

1 hour ago, smithers joe said:

let add my prayers for continued healing  in all your  lives.

Thank you Joe, and mine with you. 

[Roger Neilsons Towel]

1 hour ago, CaptKirk888 said:

I have read all of this thread and I can say that you are all strong humans. I think sometimes we get wrapped up in life and forget that everyone has their struggles, but we need to forgive ourselves for our short comings and mistakes because we are human. 

I told you how I lost my first wife to cancer at 35, she died in my arms in our home with our family surrounding us. She was a beautiful bright light in this world, she was always thinking about everyone else even though her life was ending. She told me that she didn't want me to be alone and unhappy, that it was OK to carry on and meet someone else.

As she lay in my arms that Oct. 4th morning I told her everything would be ok, we would carry on and always love her, she took her last breath right after I said that. Such an angel in life and after. 

Love to all of you. You are all good in your hearts, of that I have no doubt.

I couldn’t help but tear up reading that. My wife is 34. I can’t even imagine. My sincere condolences to you. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you all the best in health, happiness, and strength.