Unbiased relationship advice please :(

[CanucksFan#21]

Hi my beloved Vancouver community! It's been a long time since I posted and I've been dreading making this post because it feels so real and it's been really tough for me. 

 

Firstly, some good news! I made a post a long time ago about losing weight and I'm happy to say I did lose 100 pounds! It didn't take 6 months though it actually took 2 full years lol. But hey I did it! Ok real reason for this post and prepare for a full life story. Read at your own risk, it's long, dramatic, and probably cringey, but I'm going to be fully transparent here: I invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship and I really tried my hardest to make it work. With that being said...

 

I've been dating / was dating now a girl for the past 5 or so years. We met online in a video game but we did our best to meet up IRL when we could. When the pandemic hit, it really screwed up our relationship. But we persevered. For simplicity let's say we started dating June 2017.  Fast forward to January 2022, she recently moved back to California for work and is back living with her parents again. I thought this would be fantastic. Easier to meet up. Before she lived in south Dakota so it was much farther. But now it's a (usually cheapish) 2 hour flight. But that didn't happen. Our relationship got worse and worse. It was actually better when she was farther away. She was afraid to introduce me to her parents, she hated living at home, she would tell me she's unhappy all the time and I'd ask her "what can I do to help??" And every time she'd say "nothing! I'm just very unhappy." On top of that, the video game that we played where we spent a lot of time together since there isn't really much else to do online together died off / we both lost interest in playing. So that one anchor we had was no longer relevant anymore. I got really into hiking so as a substitute, we would go on 15 min to 1 hour walks together everyday in a voice / video call so we could stay connected / interact. In the evenings, we would watch a netflix show, or just do our own thing. 

 

Fast forward to April 10th or so, I was always trusting towards our relationship and I never really feared for anything scandalous. I told her certain situations made me uncomfortable, and I'm not afraid to voice that and communicate to her, but that at the end of the day I trust her and she would always give her word that "I'm with you not someone else" and that was enough for me. I'm not a controlling type, but unfortunately, I do get jealous. Regardless, she said somebody from her practice (she does IRL sword fighting) asked if she wanted to get ramen together. I told her I feel uncomfortable with her going on essentially a "date" with another guy for dinner. She assured me just casual as friends, nothing would happen, she doesn't have any friends in the area, etc.. so I conceded and said "Okay, I'm still not comfortable but I'll trust you cause I want you to be happy." So after her dinner, she came home, told me about, but I was getting a weird vibe, and she said she found that guy "attractive". That made my heart REALLY sink because what could I do from so far away. so I asked a dumb question, "If I wasn't around could you see yourself dating him?" and she said "Yes," and then it was just awkward silence. We moved on though until finally judgement day of June 23rd.

 

June 23rd, she said she was going with some co-workers to a baseball game. Was a group of 5 of them so I said "yah sure have fun! I'm really happy you're meeting / becoming friends with more people" and truly I was. She was still really upset/moody/depressed like 90% of the time, but I just tried to stay strong. Of course I communicated that her mood was affecting me, but she avoids confrontation like the plague and she does this "I don't wanna talk about this" and then leaves for however long. Anyways, she went to this game and 10pm rolls around and she says she's on her way home. we ALWAYS talk before bed. We have for the entirety of our relationship. 11pm nothing. 12am nothing. 1am nothing. 2am I'm extremely worried (she takes the train home), 3am I get a message from her saying we need to talk.

 

She said she cheated on me. She kissed one of her co-workers after the baseball game. My entire world literally doing 360's actually destroyed. All I could think "5-6 years gone." but I was a fool and said "I want to make this work. You were honest and told me about it. You could have lied and said nothing. If you still want this relationship to work, I'll try to forgive you. I think distance is the reason for 99.9% of our problems and we're close to resolving the distance." (we've talked about moving in, her coming to Canada, me going to USA etc..) but she said "I can't. I'm just unhappy."

 

She said she still wanted to be friends.. I told her I don't think I can be your friend. You started as my friend, and all I see you as now is a romantic interest. I can't be that dude that's happy the one I love is with somebody else. Week went by, we talked about how our relationship wasn't the right circumstance/time and maybe we'd try again in the future. I said I'd try to be her friend, but I can't promise I'll reach out / talk much. She understood. We talked on and off for a bit, but it was really never the same. I feel like she was being REALLY unfair. She told me that she still wanted to watch Amazon's new Lord of the Rings series together cause we're huge nerds. I told her I don't think I'm going to. I want to watch it with somebody else (I did cause I wanted to try and move on.) She told me "I know it shouldn't but that makes me really jealous / angry. That's something we used to do together." 

 

So I told her OK that will be the last series I watch with you then because I promised you way back that we would. Well to this day, she hasn't messaged me since August 26th. I brushed her off a few times so it's probably my fault or maybe she did just move on while I'm struggling. 

 

There's a lot more to this entire life saga, but now you all have some context. If you want to flame me for being dumb you can I'm not offended. I doubt the internet is the best place to go for this, and tbh I'm not wealthy enough to afford a professional, but I don't think any professional can truly replace real world experience from others that may or may not have had situations similar to this whether it's online dating, being cheated on, cheating on somebody, or what course of action do I do now. 

 

Currently as it stands, I want to reach out and say something / attempt to rekindle. I truly think distance is what killed us. Whenever I visited her, it was great. We'd laugh, we'd have fun, intimate, etc.. but when she moved back in with her parents? She was totally different. Not to mention, all her friends after meeting me ONE TIME, kept trying to convince her that "it will never work. I don't think you 2 are compatible, etc..." so it's frustrating because I feel like there was a lot of outside forces at play that I had no influence over.

 

Do I reach out? Do I cut ties (remove her as friend from things like discord, whatsapp, etc..)? Do I just keep ignoring her and wait for a response that might not ever come? Don't want to sound like a broken record, but this has been a really hard time for me. Like 98% of the community was so supportive over the weight-loss post and I truly love you all for it. Honestly, even if you just read this entire blog to the end thank you. I know other's people drama is probably silly to some. Writing this all out might be all I needed just the closure of getting out in writing - I don't know. I'm not afraid I'll never find somebody else. I have a great, secure job, I'm educated with a University background, I'm in fantastic shape now, my family is close to me, I have great friends, I CAN COOK, but this relationship messed me up. I'm generally a really positive person so this is extremely difficult to write out a 30-minute depressing blob that it's literally making my eyes sore lol. Probably just onions nearby. 

 

Anyways, any advice truly appreciative - regardless of how brutally honest or sugar coated it is. Thank you for reading, and I hope nobody has to go through this feeling cause it actually sucks.

[Sophomore Jinx]

Why do you think so little of yourself that you are trying to hang on to something that just ain't there? Dude, you are worth so much more! Focus on yourself, move forward and never look back.

[AV.]

Writing this all out might be all I needed just the closure of getting out in writing - I don't know. I'm not afraid I'll never find somebody else. I have a great, secure job, I'm educated with a University background, I'm in fantastic shape now, my family is close to me, I have great friends, I CAN COOK, but this relationship messed me up.

Seems you have your answer in this little excerpt.  You have too much to give up and think too little of.

Of course, easier said than done, but I think deep down you know it's time to meet somebody else and embark on something new.

Make peace with the past and look forward.

[DJSkingz]

I think the best thing you can do is move on. Turn the page to a new chapter in your life. It won't be easy but it's going to be the best thing for you.

[Shekky]

I would take the time and space to think about how you feel and see where it goes from there.

[c00kies]

Focus on yourself and cut ties. Hell, you don't even have to say goodbye.

 

Maybe it's something years later that you go back to, but definitely move on and focus on yourself. Meet new people, do new things, and just try to live life. 

 

Time helps with healing, so please be patient with yourself.

[JM_]

First off, those years aren't "gone" you grew as a person and had a relationship that ran its course. Sometimes that happens at 3 weeks, sometimes 5 years, sometimes 30 years. 

 

Second, the other folks here have it right, look after yourself and move on. 

 

Third, take the high road going forward. 

 

BTW that cooking thing is a gem, throw your current energy into improving that. Its how I landed my Italian wife 

[King Heffy]

Just remove all means of contact and enjoy living your life without her.  Future you will thank you.

[Phil_314]

OP, echoing what some others have said, it sounds like you've come very far (in shape, great job, education, relationships around you e.g. family/ friends).  I also never believed in long distance relationships so good on you for making it work for that period, but I'm confident that if you put yourself out there in person (not sure how comfortable you are IRL) you'd have at least some success.  

P.S. if you need to discuss further feel free to message, I'm getting over a recent split too, so we can motivate each other to keep getting better and over it.  We got this.

[Phil_314]

1 hour ago, JM_ said:

First off, those years aren't "gone" you grew as a person and had a relationship that ran its course. Sometimes that happens at 3 weeks, sometimes 5 years, sometimes 30 years. 

 

Second, the other folks here have it right, look after yourself and move on. 

 

Third, take the high road going forward. 

 

BTW that cooking thing is a gem, throw your current energy into improving that. Its how I landed my Italian wife 

1000% agreed with all of the bolded.  To take it a step further (and speaking to myself too), as good as it may have been, it's best to learn how to not linger in memories after it ran its course.  Thank them for who they were for you in your past, but seeing how they moved on (as she did in OP's post) remember the present is a gift and let's make the most of it.  

[CanucksFan#21]

3 hours ago, Sophomore Jinx said:

Why do you think so little of yourself that you are trying to hang on to something that just ain't there? Dude, you are worth so much more! Focus on yourself, move forward and never look back.

 

Thank you man. I was on a hike after work/writing this and when I read this I wanted to reply but it literally brought tears to my eyes reading it. No joke. Hearing it from friends is nice, but knowing people read my sob story and still took the time to say a kind word means a lot. 

3 hours ago, AV. said:

Writing this all out might be all I needed just the closure of getting out in writing - I don't know. I'm not afraid I'll never find somebody else. I have a great, secure job, I'm educated with a University background, I'm in fantastic shape now, my family is close to me, I have great friends, I CAN COOK, but this relationship messed me up.

Seems you have your answer in this little excerpt.  You have too much to give up and think too little of.

Of course, easier said than done, but I think deep down you know it's time to meet somebody else and embark on something new.

Make peace with the past and look forward.

This is what I'm struggling with. The final goodbye. I'm not trying to say "MY RELATIONSHIP IS MORE SPECIAL THAN ANYBODY ELSES. U DON'T UNDERSTAND." I know for a fact it's not. It was mostly online. But she was my partner. Even goin to the grocery store together we'd have a fun time / laughs. 

2 hours ago, c00kies said:

Focus on yourself and cut ties. Hell, you don't even have to say goodbye.

 

Maybe it's something years later that you go back to, but definitely move on and focus on yourself. Meet new people, do new things, and just try to live life. 

 

Time helps with healing, so please be patient with yourself.

This kind of ties into the other posts - how do I cut ties? It's been over a month now and we haven't spoken. Maybe I'll summarize in a new post.

[nuckin_futz]

9 minutes ago, CanucksFan#21 said:

Thank you man. I was on a hike after work/writing this and when I read this I wanted to reply but it literally brought tears to my eyes reading it. No joke. Hearing it from friends is nice, but knowing people read my sob story and still took the time to say a kind word means a lot. 

This is what I'm struggling with. The final goodbye. I'm not trying to say "MY RELATIONSHIP IS MORE SPECIAL THAN ANYBODY ELSES. U DON'T UNDERSTAND." I know for a fact it's not. It was mostly online. But she was my partner. Even goin to the grocery store together we'd have a fun time / laughs. 

This kind of ties into the other posts - how do I cut ties? It's been over a month now and we haven't spoken. Maybe I'll summarize in a new post.

Block her number and block on all social media so you don't even see it.

Edited October 4, 2022 by nuckin_futz

[Sophomore Jinx]

14 minutes ago, CanucksFan#21 said:

Thank you man. I was on a hike after work/writing this and when I read this I wanted to reply but it literally brought tears to my eyes reading it. No joke. Hearing it from friends is nice, but knowing people read my sob story and still took the time to say a kind word means a lot. 

You got this; I promise you. You don't need to worry needlessly about "how to cut ties", just do it, cut and dry. It's hard, but you deserve to be happy, everyone does, but you will not grow as a person by trying to hang on to something that is negative and detrimental to your emotional well-being.... you will grow, when you let go, and realize that what SEEMS like calamity and despair, are really just moments for you to grow as a person, a person with value and worth.

 

Again, I promise you! I've had my heart broken more times than Tiger Williams' nose, and with the benefit of hindsight, every one of them were necessary, and purposeful.

 

Now, go look in the mirror and tell the person staring back at you, "You are awesome". I'm cheering for you 

Edited October 4, 2022 by Sophomore Jinx

[CanucksFan#21]

Yeah a lot of what of what everyone has said is to cut ties. I knew I'd have to do that eventually, it's just I'm struggling to do it. She was my best friend before being my significant other. I don't want to to just "ghost" her. I think "Ghosting" is probably the WORST thing anybody could possibly do to somebody on a human level.

 

I should note I've never wished for anything malicious to befall her or said anything hurtful to her. I told her the day we broke up, "I truly hope you find somebody that can make you happy in ways that I couldn't. I'll never forget the time we spent together, and I will never speak of you in a malicious or purposefully hurtful way. I'll always remember our time together fondly and you were so special to me. I hope that you find happiness and I wish you nothing but the best. You helped me become a better person..." etc.... I swear on on my life I never said anything hurtful or cruel. It's just not me as a person. But we started talking a bit after that to "Try" and be friends until here we are now.

 

I want to find some final words to say to her, but  I don't know if it's too dramatic. I don't even know what a girl would prefer.

Does she just want me to disappear and wake up seeing I've vanished? Is it better I say nothing? 

Does she want me to speak to her?

Does she DESERVE a final farewell?

Do I give her a chance to respond? "Hi I'm leaving but I'll keep our chat open til Sunday if you have any last words" like I'm terrible at this stuff. It's... something I never thought would happen. 

 

I don't blame her for wanting to break up. It takes 2 to tango, I just wish it went about differently you know? I have enough self-respect to know I'll move on I'm just struggling with this weird state of limbo.

 

I truly wish her the best and happiness. I don't think she did what she did to purposefully hurt me. I think she was lonely, and made a bad decision and lost a partner, and a friend over it. I'm not gonna be that guy that goes out of my way to make her life miserable I just can't do that to somebody and I don't think she or anybody would even deserve that. There's all these mind games that people tell me to play. "Don't talk to her she'll talk to you. Make her wait. It'll drive her crazy" blahblah it just feels like high-school drama. I just want to move on but like a few of you wonderful people said today, "make peace and move on."

 

I'm really struggling with the "making peace" part cause I just don't know how to cut ties without feeling like I'm making the biggest mistake in history . 

[babych]

I'll reiterate what most on here are saying. You don't owe each other anything. Like you said, it's been a month and she hasn't messaged you either.

 

Time to cut ties and move on. You had something special but it's over. Trust me, you will find all that (and more) again.

 

Give yourself some time. DON'T REACH OUT TO HER.

 

Be good to yourself, you deserve it.

[Sophomore Jinx]

1 hour ago, CanucksFan#21 said:

Yeah a lot of what of what everyone has said is to cut ties. I knew I'd have to do that eventually, it's just I'm struggling to do it. She was my best friend before being my significant other. I don't want to to just "ghost" her. I think "Ghosting" is probably the WORST thing anybody could possibly do to somebody on a human level.

 

I should note I've never wished for anything malicious to befall her or said anything hurtful to her. I told her the day we broke up, "I truly hope you find somebody that can make you happy in ways that I couldn't. I'll never forget the time we spent together, and I will never speak of you in a malicious or purposefully hurtful way. I'll always remember our time together fondly and you were so special to me. I hope that you find happiness and I wish you nothing but the best. You helped me become a better person..." etc.... I swear on on my life I never said anything hurtful or cruel. It's just not me as a person. But we started talking a bit after that to "Try" and be friends until here we are now.

 

I want to find some final words to say to her, but  I don't know if it's too dramatic. I don't even know what a girl would prefer.

Does she just want me to disappear and wake up seeing I've vanished? Is it better I say nothing? 

Does she want me to speak to her?

Does she DESERVE a final farewell?

Do I give her a chance to respond? "Hi I'm leaving but I'll keep our chat open til Sunday if you have any last words" like I'm terrible at this stuff. It's... something I never thought would happen. 

 

I don't blame her for wanting to break up. It takes 2 to tango, I just wish it went about differently you know? I have enough self-respect to know I'll move on I'm just struggling with this weird state of limbo.

 

I truly wish her the best and happiness. I don't think she did what she did to purposefully hurt me. I think she was lonely, and made a bad decision and lost a partner, and a friend over it. I'm not gonna be that guy that goes out of my way to make her life miserable I just can't do that to somebody and I don't think she or anybody would even deserve that. There's all these mind games that people tell me to play. "Don't talk to her she'll talk to you. Make her wait. It'll drive her crazy" blahblah it just feels like high-school drama. I just want to move on but like a few of you wonderful people said today, "make peace and move on."

 

I'm really struggling with the "making peace" part cause I just don't know how to cut ties without feeling like I'm making the biggest mistake in history . 

Bolded:

Nope

Nope

Nope

 

Move forward, release her cut and dry, you got this. It hurts bad, yes, but the crazy thing about pain is it is INFINITE in its nature, it'll hang around as long as you allow it to.

 

Pain will only go away when you allow yourself the (deserved) chance to heal, so begin healing.

 

YOU GOT THIS 

Edited October 4, 2022 by Sophomore Jinx

[D.B Cooper]

To be blunt about it, it sounds like she has wanted out for a long time, then made a move she thought would make you end it.   
 

She has moved on and so should you.  
I promise you will get over it. 

You can do a lot better than someone in a different country.   
Lots of girls around.  
Take your experience and move forward with your life.  

[KristoffWixenschon]

Writing everything down is a super helpful process, good for you! Thank you for sharing. That was probably hard to do and it also probably felt good to organize your thoughts. 

 

After a couple of particularly hard break ups, I found that writing helped a lot. Everything I wanted to say to that person: the good things, the hurt things, everything - went into a journal. At first I would write every day. Eventually it was every few days, then weekly, then almost never. I wrote until I didnt need the journal anymore. 

I re-read it a few months later and then ceremoniously burnt it to let it all go. It felt good to realize I wasnt carrying those feelings anymore. 

 

Whatever your grieving process is, she cant be part of it. I agree with the others who say to discontinue contact while you process. 

[Sharpshooter]

 She’s a cunt. 
 

You’re not. 
 

Stop gaming for awhile. Do something new with your life. Start a new habit. 

 

Fill the void in your heart by volunteering in service of others in the meantime. 
 

Your hurt will go away when you receive the appreciation of others that you gave your time and effort to. 
 

Thinking of the past or past relationships is just picking at personal scabs. If you don’t stop picking at them, then how can they heal? 
 

Move on with something that means something. Let the scab heal. You may always carry the scar, but at least it won’t make you bleed any further. 

Get help from a counsellor. That’s the most important thing. Loss, however it’s shape or form is still a loss. You can’t deal with it by yourself. 
 

Seek out counsellors that work pro-bono (free) or through Colleges/Universities or through social community programs, which again, usually are free.
 

It’s ok to feel like shit now. It won’t last forever.  

 

[D-Money]

5 hours ago, CanucksFan#21 said:

She was still really upset/moody/depressed like 90% of the time, but I just tried to stay strong. Of course I communicated that her mood was affecting me, but she avoids confrontation like the plague and she does this "I don't wanna talk about this" and then leaves for however long.

(This is going to sound cold, but I think it’s for the best.)
 

Dude, just based on the quote above I’d be telling you to cut and run. Sounds just miserable. Why would you want that in your life?

But she did it for you, you can take the high road and move on. It may not feel like a win now, but in a few months revisit this and I bet you’ll realize it.