CanucksFan#21
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Posts posted by CanucksFan#21
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2 hours ago, D.B Cooper said:
To be blunt about it, it sounds like she has wanted out for a long time, then made a move she thought would make you end it.
She has moved on and so should you.
I promise you will get over it.
You can do a lot better than someone in a different country.
Lots of girls around.
Take your experience and move forward with your life.I think this is honestly spot on even if it hurts to hear tbh. I think she was just burnt out from the online relationship. I'M BURNT OUT from online. It absolutely sucks... Thank you everyone for all the support. I truly appreciate it and the advice.
I have a question though like I said I've decided yeah it's time to cut ties. MAYBE in the future you know one day different circumstance / time there's that 0.0000000001% chance something happens. But I'm curious like what is the logic of not reaching out one last time instead of just essentially ghosting. Why is it always, "Cut ties. don't talk to her. move on"
I'm not trying to sound naïve or ignorant it's just what's the harm in saying like, "Hey I've decided I can't be just your friend. Having you on my social media is hard for me and it's not healthy. I need to remove you and move on. You always have a special place. Best of luck blahblah."
Then I get closure, she gets closure. I don't owe her anything, and even though she did cheat she owes me nothing, but at least then I said my piece, she can respond to it how she wants and then I don't have those regrets?
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Yeah a lot of what of what everyone has said is to cut ties. I knew I'd have to do that eventually, it's just I'm struggling to do it. She was my best friend before being my significant other. I don't want to to just "ghost" her. I think "Ghosting" is probably the WORST thing anybody could possibly do to somebody on a human level.
I should note I've never wished for anything malicious to befall her or said anything hurtful to her. I told her the day we broke up, "I truly hope you find somebody that can make you happy in ways that I couldn't. I'll never forget the time we spent together, and I will never speak of you in a malicious or purposefully hurtful way. I'll always remember our time together fondly and you were so special to me. I hope that you find happiness and I wish you nothing but the best. You helped me become a better person..." etc.... I swear on on my life I never said anything hurtful or cruel. It's just not me as a person. But we started talking a bit after that to "Try" and be friends until here we are now.
I want to find some final words to say to her, but I don't know if it's too dramatic. I don't even know what a girl would prefer.
Does she just want me to disappear and wake up seeing I've vanished? Is it better I say nothing?
Does she want me to speak to her?
Does she DESERVE a final farewell?
Do I give her a chance to respond? "Hi I'm leaving but I'll keep our chat open til Sunday if you have any last words" like I'm terrible at this stuff. It's... something I never thought would happen.
I don't blame her for wanting to break up. It takes 2 to tango, I just wish it went about differently you know? I have enough self-respect to know I'll move on I'm just struggling with this weird state of limbo.
I truly wish her the best and happiness. I don't think she did what she did to purposefully hurt me. I think she was lonely, and made a bad decision and lost a partner, and a friend over it. I'm not gonna be that guy that goes out of my way to make her life miserable I just can't do that to somebody and I don't think she or anybody would even deserve that. There's all these mind games that people tell me to play. "Don't talk to her she'll talk to you. Make her wait. It'll drive her crazy" blahblah it just feels like high-school drama. I just want to move on but like a few of you wonderful people said today, "make peace and move on."
I'm really struggling with the "making peace" part cause I just don't know how to cut ties without feeling like I'm making the biggest mistake in history
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3 hours ago, Sophomore Jinx said:
Why do you think so little of yourself that you are trying to hang on to something that just ain't there? Dude, you are worth so much more! Focus on yourself, move forward and never look back.
Thank you man. I was on a hike after work/writing this and when I read this I wanted to reply but it literally brought tears to my eyes reading it. No joke. Hearing it from friends is nice, but knowing people read my sob story and still took the time to say a kind word means a lot.
3 hours ago, AV. said:Writing this all out might be all I needed just the closure of getting out in writing - I don't know. I'm not afraid I'll never find somebody else. I have a great, secure job, I'm educated with a University background, I'm in fantastic shape now, my family is close to me, I have great friends, I CAN COOK, but this relationship messed me up.
Seems you have your answer in this little excerpt. You have too much to give up and think too little of.
Of course, easier said than done, but I think deep down you know it's time to meet somebody else and embark on something new.
Make peace with the past and look forward.This is what I'm struggling with. The final goodbye. I'm not trying to say "MY RELATIONSHIP IS MORE SPECIAL THAN ANYBODY ELSES. U DON'T UNDERSTAND." I know for a fact it's not. It was mostly online. But she was my partner. Even goin to the grocery store together we'd have a fun time / laughs.
2 hours ago, c00kies said:Focus on yourself and cut ties. Hell, you don't even have to say goodbye.
Maybe it's something years later that you go back to, but definitely move on and focus on yourself. Meet new people, do new things, and just try to live life.
Time helps with healing, so please be patient with yourself.
This kind of ties into the other posts - how do I cut ties? It's been over a month now and we haven't spoken. Maybe I'll summarize in a new post.
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Hi my beloved Vancouver community! It's been a long time since I posted and I've been dreading making this post because it feels so real and it's been really tough for me.Firstly, some good news! I made a post a long time ago about losing weight and I'm happy to say I did lose 100 pounds! It didn't take 6 months though it actually took 2 full years lol. But hey I did it! Ok real reason for this post and prepare for a full life story. Read at your own risk, it's long, dramatic, and probably cringey, but I'm going to be fully transparent here: I invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship and I really tried my hardest to make it work. With that being said...I've been dating / was dating now a girl for the past 5 or so years. We met online in a video game but we did our best to meet up IRL when we could. When the pandemic hit, it really screwed up our relationship. But we persevered. For simplicity let's say we started dating June 2017. Fast forward to January 2022, she recently moved back to California for work and is back living with her parents again. I thought this would be fantastic. Easier to meet up. Before she lived in south Dakota so it was much farther. But now it's a (usually cheapish) 2 hour flight. But that didn't happen. Our relationship got worse and worse. It was actually better when she was farther away. She was afraid to introduce me to her parents, she hated living at home, she would tell me she's unhappy all the time and I'd ask her "what can I do to help??" And every time she'd say "nothing! I'm just very unhappy." On top of that, the video game that we played where we spent a lot of time together since there isn't really much else to do online together died off / we both lost interest in playing. So that one anchor we had was no longer relevant anymore. I got really into hiking so as a substitute, we would go on 15 min to 1 hour walks together everyday in a voice / video call so we could stay connected / interact. In the evenings, we would watch a netflix show, or just do our own thing.Fast forward to April 10th or so, I was always trusting towards our relationship and I never really feared for anything scandalous. I told her certain situations made me uncomfortable, and I'm not afraid to voice that and communicate to her, but that at the end of the day I trust her and she would always give her word that "I'm with you not someone else" and that was enough for me. I'm not a controlling type, but unfortunately, I do get jealous. Regardless, she said somebody from her practice (she does IRL sword fighting) asked if she wanted to get ramen together. I told her I feel uncomfortable with her going on essentially a "date" with another guy for dinner. She assured me just casual as friends, nothing would happen, she doesn't have any friends in the area, etc.. so I conceded and said "Okay, I'm still not comfortable but I'll trust you cause I want you to be happy." So after her dinner, she came home, told me about, but I was getting a weird vibe, and she said she found that guy "attractive". That made my heart REALLY sink because what could I do from so far away. so I asked a dumb question, "If I wasn't around could you see yourself dating him?" and she said "Yes," and then it was just awkward silence. We moved on though until finally judgement day of June 23rd.June 23rd, she said she was going with some co-workers to a baseball game. Was a group of 5 of them so I said "yah sure have fun! I'm really happy you're meeting / becoming friends with more people" and truly I was. She was still really upset/moody/depressed like 90% of the time, but I just tried to stay strong. Of course I communicated that her mood was affecting me, but she avoids confrontation like the plague and she does this "I don't wanna talk about this" and then leaves for however long. Anyways, she went to this game and 10pm rolls around and she says she's on her way home. we ALWAYS talk before bed. We have for the entirety of our relationship. 11pm nothing. 12am nothing. 1am nothing. 2am I'm extremely worried (she takes the train home), 3am I get a message from her saying we need to talk.She said she cheated on me. She kissed one of her co-workers after the baseball game. My entire world literally doing 360's actually destroyed. All I could think "5-6 years gone." but I was a fool and said "I want to make this work. You were honest and told me about it. You could have lied and said nothing. If you still want this relationship to work, I'll try to forgive you. I think distance is the reason for 99.9% of our problems and we're close to resolving the distance." (we've talked about moving in, her coming to Canada, me going to USA etc..) but she said "I can't. I'm just unhappy."She said she still wanted to be friends.. I told her I don't think I can be your friend. You started as my friend, and all I see you as now is a romantic interest. I can't be that dude that's happy the one I love is with somebody else. Week went by, we talked about how our relationship wasn't the right circumstance/time and maybe we'd try again in the future. I said I'd try to be her friend, but I can't promise I'll reach out / talk much. She understood. We talked on and off for a bit, but it was really never the same. I feel like she was being REALLY unfair. She told me that she still wanted to watch Amazon's new Lord of the Rings series together cause we're huge nerds. I told her I don't think I'm going to. I want to watch it with somebody else (I did cause I wanted to try and move on.) She told me "I know it shouldn't but that makes me really jealous / angry. That's something we used to do together."So I told her OK that will be the last series I watch with you then because I promised you way back that we would. Well to this day, she hasn't messaged me since August 26th. I brushed her off a few times so it's probably my fault or maybe she did just move on while I'm struggling.There's a lot more to this entire life saga, but now you all have some context. If you want to flame me for being dumb you can I'm not offended. I doubt the internet is the best place to go for this, and tbh I'm not wealthy enough to afford a professional, but I don't think any professional can truly replace real world experience from others that may or may not have had situations similar to this whether it's online dating, being cheated on, cheating on somebody, or what course of action do I do now.Currently as it stands, I want to reach out and say something / attempt to rekindle. I truly think distance is what killed us. Whenever I visited her, it was great. We'd laugh, we'd have fun, intimate, etc.. but when she moved back in with her parents? She was totally different. Not to mention, all her friends after meeting me ONE TIME, kept trying to convince her that "it will never work. I don't think you 2 are compatible, etc..." so it's frustrating because I feel like there was a lot of outside forces at play that I had no influence over.Do I reach out? Do I cut ties (remove her as friend from things like discord, whatsapp, etc..)? Do I just keep ignoring her and wait for a response that might not ever come? Don't want to sound like a broken record, but this has been a really hard time for me. Like 98% of the community was so supportive over the weight-loss post and I truly love you all for it. Honestly, even if you just read this entire blog to the end thank you. I know other's people drama is probably silly to some. Writing this all out might be all I needed just the closure of getting out in writing - I don't know. I'm not afraid I'll never find somebody else. I have a great, secure job, I'm educated with a University background, I'm in fantastic shape now, my family is close to me, I have great friends, I CAN COOK, but this relationship messed me up. I'm generally a really positive person so this is extremely difficult to write out a 30-minute depressing blob that it's literally making my eyes sore lol. Probably just onions nearby.Anyways, any advice truly appreciative - regardless of how brutally honest or sugar coated it is. Thank you for reading, and I hope nobody has to go through this feeling cause it actually sucks.-
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1 minute ago, kingofsurrey said:
Yes , weight loss is probaby 75-80 percent done through healthy eating / caloric intake. It may be uncomfortable for a few days.... but then your body gets used to it and it is much easier....
You got this.... You will be adding 10 years to your life........
Look at me in my flyers jersey..... i think i may need to follow you on this journey....
I highly encourage anybody to do it. You gotta give up a bit to get the results I think. Like I LOVE playing video games late at night with some buddies but I'm giving that up and they all understand that my bedtime is now 1030-11 and they're cool with it. They all want me to be healthy and I want to be able to keep up with them and get back into my smaller clothes.
Also, @Stamkos I've heard that it's actually better to go more often even if it's for less intense workouts as opposed to going less but more intense workouts. Basically, it's better to go for 30minutes then to not go at all if that makes any sense.
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Hello,
I fully expect to get some poked and jabbed at but I'm going to risk posting anyways so come at me anyways!
Recently, I went on a hike and just couldn't keep up with my friend who was with me and it was just pretty eye opening. I used to always be able to do hikes/sports/exercise pretty easily but this just completely destroyed me. So when I got back home I decided to go to the gym and weigh in and really surprised that I was 340 pounds
. For being 29 and still having some of my "youth" years, I really want to change my lifestyle. Luckily I'm really tall at 6'3 so my weight is somewhat well proportioned but still it's just making me really unhappy. I want to give myself a somewhat reasonable goal so I'm making some major adjustments I just wanted some advice/criticism on what you guys think.
-Changing my eating habits to include much more vegetables as opposed to the processed type foods
-Setting a fairly consistent "bedtime". I don't want to be awake any later then say 10:30pm to 11pm and waking up now daily at 5am so I can go to the gym really early.
-Gym 5-7 days a week.
-Weighing in once a week to make sure that I'm on track with my weight loss.
I'm hoping to lose around 100 pounds in 6 months, but I don't know if that's an realistic goal or not. Was wondering if anybody else has had an extreme weight loss goal and achieved it and what sort of side effects will I experience? I've heard I could have saggy skin but I don't know if I'm young enough that I can recover from that.
Anyways, looking forward to some responses! Sorry for the life story but I'm feeling pretty motivated and excited to start a new chapter.
EDIT: Thank's so much you guys. This might sound cheesy and I know that this forum is a small minority but having the support of your city really means a lot. Not just doing it for me anymore. Thank you Vancouver and I'll do my best and I hope maybe I encouraged some other people too.
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Unbiased relationship advice please :(
in Off-Topic General
Posted · Edited by CanucksFan#21
Yeah this is fair. I think part of me WANTS to because I promised I'd never just ghost her but it seems more and more like that's what I'm going to end up doing. I think ultimately what you said is just the politer way of saying, "u love her more than she loves u" type of thing.
I don't know. When she told me what she did, she sounded really torn over it. She's not somebody who's ever gone back on their word, but I think ur right she did want to move on. I don't think she wanted to move on with that other person - but she wanted to move on from being 'Online'
Exactly what I've been doing. TBH even if I had the chance to date a superstar, I'd probably turn it down. Working on myself (finishing up the last bit of weight loss, my career, my new friends. YOU MEET SO MANY new people when ur single holy crap.)
This is really nice to hear. I try to be. I think I do come off immature, but I'm just a deep thinker. I don't like to make rash decisions even if they're logical. I was trained in University to essentially explore every outcome / every possibility so it's hard to have a black and white view of the world, when everyday I see the full spectrum + I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't...
You've said nothing but wonderful, supportive, and constructive things. You're an inspiration at least to me. I really appreciate it. From your first message after reading my long sob story you did make me emotional. It's hard when I was ready to leave my country to live in the USA for this girl to know that it's over now. I don't get the time back. Sure I grew, learned, etc...but we were genuinely happy when we were together, miserable apart. It's tough to essentially start over from the beginning again.
Very well said and I enjoy reading your thoughts. You structure your sentences very clearly, and you get the point across. I appreciate that you do notice what I was trying to do is just that: A nice final gesture. A farewell to not my ex, but an old friend I once knew. Somebody that could potentially hold a special place for a very long time. It's not a plea of desperation or a cry for attention - to be frank I don't like attention. It took me a long time of writing>deleting>writing>deleting to finally posting this on here. I was afraid of the reactions. I was afraid people would just bully her, or say like some of my other IRL friends, "Oh it's just online. It's not even real. Those are fake emotions."
Felt real to me. I don't like ending things on a negative note. I'd rather be the bigger person and say my farewells respectfully yet here we are, LITERALLY everyone telling me: "NO DONT MESSAGE HER."
You're not mean, you're constructive. Honesty is honesty and I prefer that over being sugar coated. I feel like I'm mature, but I'm definitely more of an emotional person vs logical person. I don't like burning bridges, and I tend to get caught up in the moment. I don't think things were perfect, but I was under the impression we both didn't want to throw away 5-6 years of our life - especially not that way. Personally, I think she didn't know what she wanted + was afraid of what her family+friends thought of it. Dating a Canadian she met online via video game. Not the most romantic story.
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Final Thoughts: I don't wanna keep dragging all of you fine people through my drama aha. You all gave me plenty of thoughts and I think it's best for my sake + everyone else's sanity that this be my last reply so I don't keep going in circles. I've read EVERY line people have said and yet I still have this hesitation. Maybe if you could REALLY hold my hand through this more than you have. I know for a fact this is probably frustrating to read, and 90% of u probably wanna strangle me and the other 10% probably think I'm writing the next soap opera for CTV or something. Even if you end up just rehashing or repeating what you or others have said, I would appreciate the comments.
If I could make a selfish request, I do like hearing the real-life stories if they're not too painful / depressing of how people handled a bad break up. I guess it helps me not feel so alone??
REGARDLESS, I still don't know what to do. I can't come to a decision. My mind just races from one day: "block and deleting her," to "Hmm.. But maybe we could be friends...." to "Meh I don't care I'll just let her reach out if she wants to. Not worth the effort to even block her." to "Should I tell her I do miss her still and just see what she says?" to everything else in between. I've been in 3 "serious" relationships before, but this one felt like THE ONE. I know people fall in and out of love everyday, and I know I'll meet somebody else someday. I've even had some girls ask me if I wanted to go for coffee or go for a walk or something like that. This is definitely my "Grief" overshadowing my other qualities for sure, but I just can't help but feel deep down that if I do say "screw this chick I'm out. Permanently. Burning the bridge." it's just something I MIGHT regret.
Before we stopped talking we had a long convo about where we would go in the future. We agreed if distance wasn't a factor it would've worked. Maybe in the future something works, maybe it doesn't. I don't think I was bad to her to the point where she wanted out cause of me. In fact I know I wasn't. I feel like I treated her well. Gave her space when she needed it, but also communicated what I need out of the relationship to be happy. I never pressured her into anything and I would tell her if I thought she was wrong even if it landed me in hot water. I'm not saying I was perfect. I got jealous, but I wasn't belligerent or toxic. Passive aggressive (one word answers) cause I was hurting but after we talked, we were always stronger. I don't think any couple can claim they're "perfectly content and never fought. 100% bliss all the time" I'll call you a liar to your face. We just had what I feel like were normal couple fights. I'll be 100% honest.
I think why I struggle is because if this damn pandemic never happened + we weren't long distance then we would have worked. When we were together, it was great. Apart, we missed each other. We used to go on PoGo (pokemon go) dates and it was actually hella fun. We'd go on hikes, minigolf, picnics, shopping, read together, netflix, movies, for dinner, cook together, even when we wanted nothing to do with each other for a few hours at least if she needed company or I needed company we were 1 room away.
So anyways, tl;dr the reason I'm struggling with cutting ties is because now I am financially stable, flexible job, taking care of myself, etc... and moving was just the last step and we were so close. So maybe I'm just coping / trying to rationalize it to keep her in my life that none of this would have happened if she was in say Bellingham (just across the border) vs California.
Thank you again everyone you've been fantastic. I genuinely think a lot of you do care about me and I don't care if it sounds cheesy I've been around these forums a long time and I've seen and had first hand experience how supportive you can all be and I can truly say I'm very lucky to live where I do live even if I lose half my paycheck to tax and other things each month. I'm going to think long and hard and even though to put it bluntly you're all strangers LOL, I think most of you do want what's best for me, and maybe to some extent what's best for her. I don't think she's a bad or awful person I just think she was lonely, depressed, and made a very bad decision. I'll continue looking after myself that much I promise you, and unfortunately, even after reading everything I still know what I should do, just not ready to pull the trigger. So any final/closing/well wishes/ur a moron that you all want to leave me I would appreciate it. Sorry for the long read, wish all a happy/safe halloween! Looking forward to reading the final replies and yeah.
I am very humbled to have had so many opinions and voices come out to support me. I know a lot of text gets lost in context, but I do feel better, and it's selfish of me to say it but I'm glad I stole some of everyone's time for my own benefit. Lastly, regardless if it's with this girl by some miracle, or a future prospect in Canuck lingo, I WILL make somebody very happy as soon as I've healed / rdy to move on. Thank you everyone again. I love you you all.