The Magic Yam -or- How The West Was Won
Once upon a time long, long ago in the distant future there lived a single celled organism named Ted. Ted was a part of a larger multicellular organism known as a human, whose name was Greg. Greg was a botanist, but more importantly he was an assassin ninja for the Australian Yakuza.
One day while out on a contract to violently muder the head caffeine injector at the pillow factory he got a call on his wristwatch cell phone/pez dispenser from his Yakuza boss Nigel the Nazi. Nigel had phoned to warn him the Yakuza was going to kill him due to Greg being a total badass and it scared the living s*** outta them. Naturally Greg was totally pissed aboot this and wanted to kill the crap outta all the Yakuza bosses. He thanked Nigel the Nazi for being such a nice and friendly guy and hung up his pez/watch/phone. He killed the pillow caffein injector even though he was going to be killing his bosses simply because he's a heartless bastard.
Being on the Svalbard island of Spitsbergen he had absolutely no way to get anywhere because Svalbard is a desolate frozen wasteland where nobody in their right mind would go anywhere near, however, the top secret pillow factory was located there due to it being a desolate frozen wasteland where nobody in their right mind would go anywhere near, so, in other words, the perfect place for a top secret pillow factory. Being a total badass killing machine, Greg swam to the mainland in -500ｰC water and ended up giving the water frostbite, hypothermia, dementia, syphilis, yellow fever and a child.
He washed up on the shores of the great Holy Lands of Russia. Delirious from all the LSD he dropped on the swim over he stumbled out of the water and broke the neck of a young woman who had come over to help. He then proceeded to slaughter the entire town without mercy and then he began to tear down every building in the town with nothing but his bare hands and his teeth. Now the Russian government didn't look too kindly on these barbaric acts of wanton slaughter and decimation so they put their most secret and deadly organisation on the task of finding and killing him: The Russian Society of Not-So-Nice People.
Now normally most people would drop dead of sheer terror at knowing that the R.S.N.S.N.P. is coming for them but Greg was 100% certified badass and welcomed the challenge so he marched to their headquarters, which, as luck would have it, was right next to the town he just seriously messed up. He walked right into the building and upon seeing his masculine manliness the R.S.N.S.N.P. immediately surrendered, but Greg was having none of that sissy crap so instead he challenged them to a hockey game, the entire staff of the R.S.N.S.N.P. (which, also as luck would have it, consisted of only twelve members who all just happened to play hockey) versus only him.
They agreed to the hockey match so Greg went outside and squatted in the centre of the town he brutally and needlessly massacred and took the manliest most muscly turd that ever graced this good earth. In it's wake it left behind a perfect indent of a hockey rink, a North American regulation sized rink by the way, not a sissy International sized one, Greg would have none of that. After hocking the biggest loogie he stared at it and using sheer badassness it froze into a solid sheet of rink ice complete with all the lines and faceoff circles and even the creases but no trapezoid, Greg would kill any man who even thought about that mind numbingly retarded rule.
After the rink was built and while the Russians got ready Greg went into a nearby forest and burnt it to the ground. He then proceeded to the next nearest forest and searched for the perfect tree and when he found it he fashioned a hockey stick from one of it's boughs. He then proceeded to burn the forest to the ground. Greg went back to the decimated ruins of the town and sifted through the ruins of the metal factory that, as luck would have it, was built three days before. He found three strips of steel and he bent and shaped them with his bare hands and then impaled them into his feet, he wore no helmet or any protection of any kind because he was a bonafide badass.
Thusly (with Greg playing all positions himself, even goalie) the hockey match began and by the end of the first the score was 90210 - 1 in Greg's favour (the only Russian goal scored was by Greg on himself, not out of pity for the Russians but because he was a badass that way) and the entire Russian team was laying on the ice, bloody and broken, clinging to life by a hair. Feeling no pity for his enemies he skated up to each one and laid an atomic deuce on each of their faces, pulled out his impaled skates and ate them and continued in his journey to deal with his traitorous Yakuza bosses...
So ends part one of our story, tune in next time for part two!
The Day After Tomorrow But Before Yesterday, Possibly Monday Or Maybe Thursday, But It Definitely Wasn't Friday Because I Like Pie.
Our Hero, after needlessly laying waste to a village full of innocent Russians and then decimating the deadliest military organisation the Russian government had at it's disposal, The Russian Society of Not-So-Nice People, began his journey south-east towards Australia and his Yakuza bosses.
After walking for two days on foot he made it to the Himalayan Mountains because he's such a badass time bends (over) for him. He couldn't go under them, he couldn't go around them, so he had to go over them. He started to climb the sheer rock wall that was before him, he required no climbing gear he simply whispered his name to the cliff and it chiseled a staircase out of itself out of respect and sheer terror. As he ascended the staircase he contemplated the meaning of life and death, space and time. Then everything went black, the worst kind of black, Pitch Black! Then the temporal shift in quantum dynamics began to realign with the molecular substructure of the medulla oblongata and, slowly, reality began to meld back together. And then the acid kicked in.
When Greg came to, he was in a small dimly lit room. A small man came into the room and saw Greg was awake and that pissed off Greg to no end so he pulled out his Bowie knife and looked over at the man and asked politely where he was. The old man told him he was in a Tibetan village. Upon hearing this information Greg flew into a blind rage, pulled out an axe and chopped the crap outta the old man.....s unsplit firewood. After he settled down a little the old man thanked him and told him how to get to Australia, but Greg snapped the old bastards neck for telling him what to do. Nobody tells Greg what to do. Nobody!
Greg was fed up with walking and decided that the best way to get to Australia was to fly so he headed for the nearest airport and horrifically and quite brutally murdered everyone there. He boarded the plane straight up because pre-boarding is for p*****, and what the hell is pre-boarding? Doesn't adding the prefix "pre" to a word make it mean before making pre-boarding to mean to get on before you get on? This confused Greg greatly and he decided to hunt down the stupid bastard who coined that retarded word. As luck would have it (Greg is extremely lucky as you have guessed by now, the reason being because luck knows better...) that moron lived in Australia so Greg hopped on the back of an albino Siberian fighting rhino and that damn thing sprouted wings and flew to Australia so fast because that b**** could sense the sheer badass-terone emanating from Greg's loins and knew if he didn't defy the very laws of nature and physics bad, baaad things would happen to his colon.
When Greg finally arrived in Australia he dismounted his albino Siberian fighting rhino and ate it, whole. He found that guy he was looking for from earlier, you know who I'm talking about! Anyways, Greg busted down this douche bag's door and there he was, sitting there, waiting for him. "Hello sir. So, you have come to kill me?" Greg looked long and hard at the man. "I bet you're wondering how I knew you'd come?" Asked the man. Greg continued to look long and hard at the man. "Well, I knew the word pre-board was incredibly stupid when I thought it up and I figured it was only a matter of time before someone came to kill me because of it." Said the man. Greg just continued to look long and hard at the man. "Umm... Are you awake?" The man asked. Greg simply continued to look long and hard at the man. "Okaaaaaay... I'm going to-" But before he could finish his sentence Greg took his flaming croquet mallet and smote the man upon his head over and over until his brains where a part of the decor.
Next, Greg set his sights on Brisbane, home of the Australian Yakuza...
Thusly here ends part two of our magical tale of wonder and intrigue, thou must surely tune in next time for part three!
Грег убивает больше людей
Greg looked towards the east and wondered why the sun was setting, but then he realised he was looking west and that made him angry so he took a crap right then and there. After laying the best crap ever, Greg headed towards Brisbane but luckily that other guy lived in Brisbane so Greg was already in Brisbane.
Greg went to the Yakuza headquarters with the intent to murder and what not. He remembered that there was a convenient air duct on the roof that only he knew about, but he was to much of a manly badass killing machine to pussyfoot (not a bad word by the way) around with sneaking and all that jazz so he kicked down the front door, and that's when the acid kicked in... Again.
There were body parts and guts flying left and right, there was blood spraying everywhere. There was so much blood spraying into Greg's eyes that he could barely see the drug induced hallucinations anymore. After murdering everything that was moving and a few things that weren't, Greg realised he was in an orphanage not the Yakuza headquarters, so he set the building on fire and jumped out a window and crashed through the roof of the real Yakuza headquarters.
When Greg awoke he was tied to a tree in the basement of the Yakuza headquarters. I'll just let that sentence sink in for a second. Ok, so he awoke, tied to a tree, then some dill weed walked in with some nasty looking tools and stuff. "So, you into S&M too?" Greg asked. "Uhhh... I don't know how to respond to that." Replied the man. "You can respond by grabbing those nipple clamps and that shiny smooth rod looking thing." Said Greg. "Uh, I gotta go..." Said the man and he turned around and left. "Good!" Greg thought to himself, "now I have some time to get free." And using his sheer badassitude he shattered the chains that were holding him to the tree, then he burnt down the tree. When he tried to leave the door was locked so he stared at it and it opened. He slaughtered his way through to the Bosses room and opened the door.
He stepped into the room and the door shut behind him, there were the Bosses, all sitting around a table. "So," said Big Boss Mokounga, "You are here at last." Greg laughed. "You are here to kill us then?" Big Boss Mokounga asked. Greg laughed again. "Are you just going to laugh every time we ask you a question?" Big Boss Mokounga asked. Greg laughed again. "Very well," sighed Big Boss Mokounga, "Kill him." Greg laughed again. "Ok, I'm getting pretty-" Big Boss Mokounga started but Greg cut him off, I mean he literally cut him off and by him I mean his head. All the other Bosses tried to run but, one by one, Greg killed them. Super Gunga Boss Ogopogo was the last, as Greg planned, he walked up to him, looked him straight in his eyes and asked, "Why?" Super Gunga Boss Ogopogo just laughed and spat some blood in Greg's face so Greg killed him, then brought him back to life and asked again, "Why?" "How the hell?..." Super Gunga Boss Ogopogo asked. "Why?" Asked Greg, "Why did you want me killed! I always did everything you asked, no questions!" "Because!" Super Gunga Boss Ogopogo said, "You are such a badass we figured you wouldn't need us anymore and would just kill us!" Greg thought for a moment, "Hmm, you're right." And then he killed him again then took a dump right on his chest, then he burnt down the Yakuza headquarters and then he proceeded to burn down Brisbane.
And so our hero Greg toppled the mighty Australian Yakuza. To this day he travels the land, recklessly murdering innocents and dropping deuces wherever he pleases. Burning down forests and cities without thought or care.
May God have mercy on us all.
Edited by Gumballthechewy, 11 February 2013 - 01:05 PM.