This Devils Workday Posted November 25, 2008 Author Share Posted November 25, 2008 May: now i've been very, very insistent with the office - i don't want to find some look-at-me two door Italian supercar with 250mph speedo, a 250,000 pound price tag or any of that sort of rubbish. i want to drive something more like, well to be honest...some...oh chicken. <sees the Pagani Zonda F> surely not. well since the choice is testing this, or the Panda, i suppose it had better be this. May: the acceleration is so brutal, i think my eyes have moved round the side of my head like a pigeon. May: I think I know what to do at this point...POWERRRRRRR! May: there is one number that dwarfs all of these and it's the F roadster's price: 825,000 pounds. Top Gear bringing you credit crunch news on the hour. May: the entire shell is made out of carbon fiber, naked carbon fiber. which makes you look a bit of an idiot, frankly, but it does mean it's very strong. May (spinning out in the Zonda): can you cut that bit out? May: and that means of course, handing it over to our tame racing driver. some say, he has a stripey top just like mine. May: now the office say they have another car for me to try around the track but that i shouldn't worry because it's only a VW. <Veyron approaches!> funny. despite weighing over half a tonne more, the Veyron mullered the Zonda. that is the power of power. Clarkson: he is useless...useless May: you know what the problem is? it's my hair. 'cause when you go through a corner it goes in my face. as soon as i put that white helmet on, i found everything was absolutely fine. Clarkson: i think what it was is that you stepped out of the Panda into the Zonda, which is like weaning a baby off breast milk and straight onto port. Hammond: i can't believe he got to drive that Zonda, it is my all-time favourite supercar. Clarkson: you could have driven it. you had choice - drive the Zonda or sell fish for a northern supermarket. Hammond: the Zonda's got some pantomime to it. the Bugatti is too controlled, it's like sitting in a physics lesson. Clarkson: were you watching that drag race? did you see what the physics lesson did to your pantomime dame? it annihilated it. Clarkson: why is it called a Tepee, that fascinates me. the Americans are going to come and steal it and let you build a casino where it used to be. Hammond: jeremy, those slippers. are they a bet? Clarkson: course they're a bet. May: oh, big news! Clarkson: is it the Dacia Sanderro!? May: no, it's the European Car of the Year 2008, the replacement for the Vauxhall Vectra. Ladies and Gentlemen. the Vauxhall...Insignia! Clarkson: you had to look that up there, didn't you? i was in that for three days for a show we were doing and i thought it was a Renault. i do remember one thing about it, it had very hard seats. Hammond: ah, actually, you can't criticise those because a German panel of seat experts. Clarkson: i'm sorry, a what? Hammond: there's a German panel of seat experts.. Clarkson: and i've invited them all to your house for Christmas. Clarkson: can anyone think of one thing in the world which is better hard than soft? Hammond: that's quite awkward there Jeremy. audience member: ice. Hammond: he got us out of it. Clarkson: i thought it was a stupid idea. 750 miles on a tank. that's 750 miles of careful driving. that's not a race - that's my idea of hell. May: that's my idea of heaven. anyway.. Clarkson: i'd rather go to Blackpool in one of those horrible eco Volkswagen Blue Motion things. Richard then arrived in a Polo Blue Motion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This Devils Workday Posted November 25, 2008 Author Share Posted November 25, 2008 Clarkson: if it's an eco car, why have they put that on it? Clarkson: that has the be the dullest start to any Top Gear race ever. in fact, any race in history. Hammond: there was only one man in Europe looking forward to 750 miles of mental arithmetic. May: 60 miles per gallon, my average so far over 5.1 miles has gone up to 50.. Clarkson: you may have noticed there, that i was wearing a high visibility jacket. good reason for this, it's because the French recently and very quietly introduced a law saying you've got to have one of these in your car at all times. maybe we should introduce a law saying you've got to have onions in the boot of the car, don't announce it, and just fine every French who arrives in Dover without any. Clarkson: that meant i could spend my time wondering which of my colleagues would be best suited to switching on Blackpool's fairy lights. think about it - Danny La Rue, Ken Dodd, Cannon, Ball, Hammond. it has a ring. Hammond gets cut off by a Chopin bus in France..heh, Chopin Clarkson: despite being in France, i even powered up the Radio. <twerpy French music plays> May (with Radiohead's Jigsaw Falling Into Place playing in the background): frankly, it didn't look like any one of us would be turning on the lights that night. one two, one two. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from BBC2's Top Gear...please welcome, nobody. May: meanwhile, many miles to the north, the people of Blackpool were waking up to their big day, unaware that us three wouldn't be there. however, having known all along that this was a possibility, the show's producers had sent backup. Clarkson: The only problem was boredom and that was made worse by a phone call from James May: well i've just done a bit more mental calculations looking at the statistics of the car. Clarkson: for the one viewer we have left who isn't watching Midsomer Murders Clarkson: in Blackpool though, our man on the ground wasn't bored at all May (with a hint of Murray Walker): it's neck and neck, ladies and gentlemen! Still struggling with the French language May: what a miserable cow (i think that's what he said) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This Devils Workday Posted November 25, 2008 Author Share Posted November 25, 2008 Lamborghini Estoque (Es-toe-kay, not S-Toque ) May: in Blackpool, people were starting to arrive for the celebrations and our man on the ground was preparing by having an afternoon nap. Hammond: are you at the side of the road yet? Clarkson: no. stupid thing is still working. i'm 15 minutes from home! i can smell my bed! Hammond, i'm so close! Stop, stop now. Cough! cough! Die! Die now! Stig hits the jackpot Clarkson: that's what i'm stuck in. people slowing down to look at a caravan. rightly so, i mean i'd want to slow down and look at an overturned caravan; there's nothing funnier. Clarkson: with the Stig baffled by human food, and with 30 minutes to go before the big switch on, i was agonizing over mounting a charge on Hammond. Hammond: all of that, and then The Stig stole my big moment Clarkson: some say, he has no understanding of queuing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShootOut4 Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 touche. updated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armada Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 May: in Blackpool, people were starting to arrive for the celebrations and our man on the ground was preparing by having an afternoon nap. Clarkson: that's what i'm stuck in. people slowing down to look at a caravan. rightly so, i mean i'd want to slow down and look at an overturned caravan; there's nothing funnier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This Devils Workday Posted November 26, 2008 Author Share Posted November 26, 2008 Hahaha... especially since you always post a detailed guide of the whole episode anyways Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
triangulate Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 i saw more emotion from mikka haikkonen in his interveiw with james, then all his years racing f1!!!! bing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This Devils Workday Posted November 26, 2008 Author Share Posted November 26, 2008 i saw more emotion from mikka haikkonen in his interveiw with james, then all his years racing f1!!!! bing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShootOut4 Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 i was a bit surprised since it's usually you who sees it before me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This Devils Workday Posted November 26, 2008 Author Share Posted November 26, 2008 I guess we can blame the time difference on that. You miss them?! Gee... how old are you?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShootOut4 Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Ah man... I hate the cool wall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShootOut4 Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Carbon-kaze! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armada Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 you know how Clarkson does a movie every year, i think Stig should do one. i miss silent movies lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This Devils Workday Posted December 1, 2008 Author Share Posted December 1, 2008 speaking of Clarkson's movies and the stig, I just watched Clarkson:Thriller, his new movie, it was hilariously great, especially the stig once again, if you saw last years Super Car Showdown Clarkson blew up the stig, which stig survived Anyways (spoiler), Clarkson wanted to make a diesel engine faster, so he fitted the Merc with a couple dynamite sticks, but he would need a driver, stig appears out of a jet, and Clarson says " Now he isn't very pleased about this because in the last dvd, a car i turbo charged blew up while he was in the driving seat, so he made me promise this time it wouldn't, so lets see how a dynamited Merc will do in a quarter mile" Boom car blows up, later... stig gets out, rubs his shoulder off, nothing happened to him:P later again, stig would have to be behind the wheel of a F430, when clarkson says " he isn't too happy with me" Where the stig bumps into him, hilarious "Some say he is very angry with me that I blew him up" oh and then later later... the ending of it, he's talking about the most thrilling car (the Mercedes CLK black) So... he says " There's one thing that the stig likes more then chasing sheep" (Clip of the stig chasing sheep) ... check it out its hilarious, great movie, sorry if it doesn't make sense I was a little excited The stig chasing sheep ahaha http://video.aol.com/video-detail/the-stig...s-dvd/785572190 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This Devils Workday Posted December 2, 2008 Author Share Posted December 2, 2008 Stig Intro: some say, that one of his eyes is a teste. and that he was turned down for I Am a Celebrity because people have heard of him. Clarkson: we start with something strange. last year, you couldn't buy a BMW unless you were a gallus domesticus. but then, all of a sudden, people with huge watches, stupid oakley sunglasses, people who tailgate you on motorways suddenly started to buy Audi's instead. no idea why; don't really care because, what this means is normal people with normal watches can now buy for the first time ever, what if we're honest, has always been the best sports saloon of them all. The M3. Clarkson: that BMW must be exciting, look what it's done to his hair! May: let me make sure i've got this right - cocks are now driving Audi's. Clarkson: yes. i had one right up my chuff this morning <audience laughs> May: so what do you have to be to drive a lexus? Clarkson: a dork. May: so to drive an AMG Mercedes, you'd have to be an arse, a big arse. a big, tall, slightly fat arse. Clarkson: you're being Captain Horrid. May: yes i am. Clarkson: so we've got a Top Gear Top Tip: if you are an employer and you take someone on who has a Lexus, he'll be late for work and he'll be a dork when he gets there. Hammond: unless of course you employ someone with an AMG Mercedes in which case they'll arrive at work in a cloud of smoke and then they'll be an arse when they get there. <Jeremy approaches> speaking of which.. Clarkson (on the Lexus SC 430...and who seems to have been reading my emails! ): it's like getting every travel brochure, choosing your summer holidays next year, 180 countries you could go to and saying, "yes, Germany!". not Mauritius, Dortmund is where i want to go. May: the thing is about the Infiniti, that is actually just a Nissan with a posh name. it's a bit like people who buy a perfectly normal house in the middle of the road, number 22 but then give it a name. Clarkson: a friend of mine did that, in the midlands somewhere, i think it was Litchfield. and he was 22 acacia avenue or whatever it was and he called it Sea View. Clarkson: the Cayenne looks like a 911 that's been reversed into a shed. and now they're doing a four-door car, called the Panamera which sounds like a hat. <May starts coughing> Hammond: are you alright? Clarkson: is it this? has this made you feel sick? <May has another coughing fit> Clarkson to audience member: are you a nurse? can you come and kill him? have you got anything in your bag which is lethal? audience member: i just need a syringe and some water. Hammond: all she needs is a syringe and some water someone, is she a nurse or a ninja? Clarkson: i went on the internet this week.. Hammond: i thought you'd stop doing that? Clarkson: no no no, this is a clip that i found. a man in a range rover, pause it there. now James, what do you suppose happens next? May: uh, well it's icy so he's going to crash into the post. Hammond: no, he'll skid into the wheely bin there. Clarkson: play the rest of the tape, let's see who's right... Clarkson: there must be a simpler solution to not crashing. and i think i've come up with it. just imagine, if you had on the front of your car, a magnet, with the north pole facing out. so you come along, head-on accident...<red car moves backwards>...you could never have a head-on crash. actually i think this is one of those windy-up cars alright so i won't even cheat, ready? Clarkson: have i just solved road safety, apart from the big cliff? May: technically you're right about that Clarkson: backing from Captain Maths! May: no, but, the only drawback on full-sized cars is that you would need extremely, i mean extremely large magnets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This Devils Workday Posted December 2, 2008 Author Share Posted December 2, 2008 Hammond: you haven't thought this through. look there's a car parked at the traffic lights waiting, you'll come up behind at the other end of his magnet - that's his north pole - and you have a crash because you'll have south to north. bang! you'll have a crash. Clarkson: aha! the man here, doesn't look bright, he's just pointed out that you'll be driving along, screw and nail doonk-doonk-doonk on the front and you'd never get a puncture. Hammond: along with the manhole covers and signposts! and the railings and traffic lights! and dogs with metal collars on! and skips! Clarkson: you are just nitpicking. i will admit that there are one or two things i have to address. May: well, the laws of physics for one. Hammond: the crucible of excellence: motorsport. for anything on four wheels, this is the white heat of the anvil of the speaHammondead of evolution. our testing ground is here - Lyddon Hills circuit in Kent. a place often described as the Monza of southern England, by people who have never been to Monza. it is a challenging mix of hairpins and fast sweepers, tarmac and loose gravel, much like central London in fact. Hammond: thinking about it we have missed one thing out on this test - cyclists. we should have had bicycles on this circuit, peHammondaps being pedalled by bus drivers. common everyday scene on London streets..? star in a reasonably priced car... Kevin McCloud: i think what you should do is combine the two male obsessions, and get a V8 to power a power-shower. Clarkson: a power shower? male obsession is internet pornography isn't it? don't know how you could have a V8-powered porn connection? Kevin McCloud: maybe you could and maybe that would deliver everything everybody's ever dreamed of. Cool Wall... Clarkson: this is the new Scirocco. now basically underneath, it's a Golf GTI, you pay 100 pounds more and for that you get a bit less practicality and that's a good thing. because who here married their wife because she was easy to wipe down? Clarkson: has anybody here got an Alfa? so there's two people, obviously all the others are in a cloud of steam on the A3. <to audience member> what's yours? audience member #1: it's a sportwagon, 156. Clarkson: excellent. and you didn't buy a BMW because? audience member #1: because i wanted an Alfa. Clarkson: because you see, he wasn't a gallus domesticus. <to another audience member> and who else had an alfa audience member #2: i have to say, i'm his son and yes he has. Clarkson: he is a gallus domesticus? what do you drive? audience member #2: uh, i don't. at the moment. i'm learning. Clarkson: clearasil will help by the way. <to young woman> do you find him attracive? woman: i came with him. Hammond: is everybody all together? woman: he brought me here. Clarkson: what the hell accent's that? woman: American. Clarkson: you're American? you can't be, you're nowhere near fat enough! <pause> American? welcome. welcome to the free world, you'll like it here. it's nice to have the colonies here. Clarkson: this is called a Mito, because it was design in Miland and built in Torino, Turin. well i'm thinking, what if they design it in Twickenham and built it in Attercliff? (umbrella!) Clarkson: this is a Morgan Aero Max and i have a question. what kind of monumental moron would spend a hundred thousand pounds on a car as catastrophically ugly as that. Richard Hammond! when you say old fashioned, i got into yours the other day, couldn't help noticing there was a wooden beam running down the roof. Hammond: yes it does have a beam ceiling Clarkson: right, and when you open up the handbook, does it go, hear ye! hear ye! what do we think of this car: woman #1: uncool man: cool. i like it. Hammond: correct. well done sir, stand up to him. he's a big oaf, just keep going. Clarkson to woman #1: would you be inclined to sleep with this man if he had that car. woman #1: no Clarkson to woman #2: would you sleep with him? woman #2: i have to. Clarkson: we know, people who like cars are quite dreary. when you go to a dinner party, and you sit down next to somebody, and you go 'are you interested in cars?' you can see them moving away. it's like a club; car bores. you can drive this (Volvo V70 estate) and pretend you're not interested in cars. Hammond: this is a box for carrying your airbags around in. it's driven by men with beige trousers who have a problem stopping when they have finished weeing. it's like turning up on Bondi beach with a life jacket already on. Clarkson: who is the worst-dressed man in the world? Hammond: our studio director Bryan Clarkson: well he goes to work in a faux seal skin and you go, Bryan, that's rubbish. and he goes yeah, but it's Dolce and Chanel or whatever they're called, as though that's an excuse. this, it has no badge, it's just a blue turtleneck jumper. Hammond: no that has no badge just like it has no genitals. Clarkson: you're wearing Volvo shoes! Hammond: no i'm not! they're RM Williams. they're just boots. Clarkson: they're Australian Volvo's. a little bit of heel at the back. you can tell a lot about a man's car from his shoes. Hammond: what are they then if they're not Volvo ones? Clarkson: they're Lancias. they don't go through puddles. Clarkson: Oh my God! what kind of an idiot..hello James May: <camp smile> Clarkson: this year, a motoring icon is celebrating it's 40th birthday? May: Richard Hammond? Clarkson: no he's 38. same as he was last year. and the year before. mind you, it's his birthday next week, isn't it? May: it is actually. then he'll be 38. Hammond: James, this is from the future; you're from 1948. Hammond: that is a carbon fiber bog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This Devils Workday Posted December 2, 2008 Author Share Posted December 2, 2008 it's the Kriegsmarine! do i see Dönitz? May: how much is that worth by the way? Hammond: 200,000 pounds May (gesturing to the boat): 1 and a quarter million Hammond: chav! May: move your scrap off the harbour May: gee, that's much better than a Max Mosley party Clarkson: man, you were green. May: no that was just the camera; i was black and blue. Hammond: mercifully, my doe-eyed dribbling was then cut short. no-no-no-no-no! where's Waldo, Top Gear style Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Stig Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 Some say... Well hello everyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
otherwise Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 Some say... Well hello everyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armada Posted December 3, 2008 Share Posted December 3, 2008 THAT'S WHAT I SAID WHEN I FIRST SEEN HIM!!! ^^^^ Stig Intro: some say, that one of his eyes is a teste. and that he was turned down for I Am a Celebrity because people have heard of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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